Hello. I am very new to all of this. I just recently discovered my husband of 16 years has been CDing, and this is my first time ever using a computer forum of any kind. I am really unsure of how to deal with his CDing, but I do know that I adore him, and will go to any lengths to understand. I have been doing a lot of reading, but it feels very much like I am researching a specimen. Every article I have read has made me feel more and more guilt. I was really hoping to get the opportunity to talk and learn from other SO's and CDers.
Thank you,
Janice
Trying to understand
Moderator: DonnaT
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Hi Janice,
First do NOT feel guilty, it is not something that you have caused or done.
You are probably going to see quite a few responses here. I guess I will just start with the bottom line and say, how you accept, reject or ignore this is going to be strictly up to you. We here on this forum can offer "explanations," insight, interpretations, scientific evidence and even excuses, but you will be the ultimate determiner as to how you decide to handle this.
The first question that 99.9% of SO/GG's ask is "are you gay?" Well since most all crossdressers are married, heterosexuals, NO most of us are not gay!
The second question (from those GG's astute enough to have some understanding of this) "are you going to transition?" (i.e., have a sex change) and the answer in "most" cases is, "no!"
The third "area" that comes into play (assuming you accept the first two responses) is that something extremely critical to your relationship has been withheld from you! A secret, if you will. You were not aware if this, it was kept from you and now you feel hurt and wonder if other things have been withheld as well.
The key is, assuming that you want to keep your relationship/marriage is communication. You two have to talk about it!!!! If you think you can change it, two things. It is not going away! It can be suppressed or repressed or even ignored, but it is part of who we are. There is more than adequate scientific evidence to support that, so what you end up with is probably a tense, unhappy spouse who may continue to cross dress, hoping he does not get caught again or he will remain very unhappy (as for some it is an outlet to relieve tension or just a need to be fulfilled).
If you cannot accept it I am afraid that there is nothing we here can do for you, to be blunt.
If you do accept it (even to some degree) you are basically in control and through talking you can set the limits as to the when, where, what, how much, how often and hopefully you can find common ground. But you have to talk about it. Sometimes counselling helps and if you go that route it is imperative that you find a counselor that is adept at dealing with "us," and knows something about us and family unity in these situations..
I have said enough and I am sure several of our sorority will also offer suggestions, so read and hopefully find a path that you both can follow.
Virginia
First do NOT feel guilty, it is not something that you have caused or done.
You are probably going to see quite a few responses here. I guess I will just start with the bottom line and say, how you accept, reject or ignore this is going to be strictly up to you. We here on this forum can offer "explanations," insight, interpretations, scientific evidence and even excuses, but you will be the ultimate determiner as to how you decide to handle this.
The first question that 99.9% of SO/GG's ask is "are you gay?" Well since most all crossdressers are married, heterosexuals, NO most of us are not gay!
The second question (from those GG's astute enough to have some understanding of this) "are you going to transition?" (i.e., have a sex change) and the answer in "most" cases is, "no!"
The third "area" that comes into play (assuming you accept the first two responses) is that something extremely critical to your relationship has been withheld from you! A secret, if you will. You were not aware if this, it was kept from you and now you feel hurt and wonder if other things have been withheld as well.
The key is, assuming that you want to keep your relationship/marriage is communication. You two have to talk about it!!!! If you think you can change it, two things. It is not going away! It can be suppressed or repressed or even ignored, but it is part of who we are. There is more than adequate scientific evidence to support that, so what you end up with is probably a tense, unhappy spouse who may continue to cross dress, hoping he does not get caught again or he will remain very unhappy (as for some it is an outlet to relieve tension or just a need to be fulfilled).
If you cannot accept it I am afraid that there is nothing we here can do for you, to be blunt.
If you do accept it (even to some degree) you are basically in control and through talking you can set the limits as to the when, where, what, how much, how often and hopefully you can find common ground. But you have to talk about it. Sometimes counselling helps and if you go that route it is imperative that you find a counselor that is adept at dealing with "us," and knows something about us and family unity in these situations..
I have said enough and I am sure several of our sorority will also offer suggestions, so read and hopefully find a path that you both can follow.
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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Carol Ann
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3296
- Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2003 7:23 am
- Location: Southeast Missouri
Hi Janice,
First and for most welcome to a wonderful forum and a very understanding group of people both crossdresser and GG ( real women).
Oh yes we have both here who will try as best as there hearts to help you understand and try to deal with it as best you can.
Join the group in this forum " A place for significant others", It's for just the wifes or girlfriends to talk without any of us guys able to see or talk about. Lot's and lot's of friendly people there and just for you to ask all and any question you have or things you don't understand. Trust me sweetheart
Now I will tell you this as it was something my wife of 45 years said, "you are still the man I married no matter the cloths you are wearing".
I will also tell you she let's me dress to my hearts content as long as I dress as a proper lady of my age, sometime a hard thing to do
So once again
and fear not, 
First and for most welcome to a wonderful forum and a very understanding group of people both crossdresser and GG ( real women).
Oh yes we have both here who will try as best as there hearts to help you understand and try to deal with it as best you can.
Join the group in this forum " A place for significant others", It's for just the wifes or girlfriends to talk without any of us guys able to see or talk about. Lot's and lot's of friendly people there and just for you to ask all and any question you have or things you don't understand. Trust me sweetheart
Now I will tell you this as it was something my wife of 45 years said, "you are still the man I married no matter the cloths you are wearing".
I will also tell you she let's me dress to my hearts content as long as I dress as a proper lady of my age, sometime a hard thing to do
So once again
and fear not, -
Janice SO
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:15 pm
thank you
Thank you very much for welcoming me.
My husband and I have been trying really hard to talk..(nearly all night for 3 nights). On one hand it is rough going, in that, we are both being very careful and speaking in a lot of euphemisms (I am terrified to say something that will hurt or shame him. God, the look on his face when he had to tell me will haunt me forever.)
On the other hand, we have both broken down in howling laughter over how inept we are with this subject. I always thought we had excellent communication skills, and I wish those skills were more easily applied to this.
Apparently some of my reactions have been a little foolish. For instance, my hubby pointed out to me that I have worn nail polish, extra make up, and done a ton of primping ever since I found out...all things that I NEVER do..lol Think I might have a long, long way to go in even recognizing my own feelings, let alone his.
Again, thank you for the welcome.
Janice SO
My husband and I have been trying really hard to talk..(nearly all night for 3 nights). On one hand it is rough going, in that, we are both being very careful and speaking in a lot of euphemisms (I am terrified to say something that will hurt or shame him. God, the look on his face when he had to tell me will haunt me forever.)
On the other hand, we have both broken down in howling laughter over how inept we are with this subject. I always thought we had excellent communication skills, and I wish those skills were more easily applied to this.
Apparently some of my reactions have been a little foolish. For instance, my hubby pointed out to me that I have worn nail polish, extra make up, and done a ton of primping ever since I found out...all things that I NEVER do..lol Think I might have a long, long way to go in even recognizing my own feelings, let alone his.
Again, thank you for the welcome.
Janice SO
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Susan
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 1439
- Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2006 5:58 am
- Location: Liverpool, UK
- Contact:
Hello Janice
I echo everything Virginia says. Being a CD takes up a small but important part of my life. First and foremost I am a father of two, husband and breadwinner. We are approaching our 24th wedding anniversary despite me telling my then girlfriend (Now my wife) before we married. That was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done and all it achieved for me was a very reluctant tolerance. I feel Susan has made me a better person. I have never cheated or attacked my wife, I love her dearly despite her being blinkered on this subject. I wish she could see that Susan is an extra side of me that could, just possibly, add something to our marriage.
Alas, Susan lives in isolation at home but I do have a place I try and get to once a month. I am sure my wife sees me as a drag artist (She has refused in no uncertain terms to even look at my pictures) but all I want to to is to present as a stylish and elegant woman.
Do you find this strange? Its perfectly acceptable for females to wear whatever they want to, what's so wrong about the other half of the human race wanting to do the same?
I had better shut up here, I have gone on long enough. I hope you make friends here, my sisters here are a very special and friendly bunch. Please ask your questions, we are very happy to answer them.
Best wishes to you both
I echo everything Virginia says. Being a CD takes up a small but important part of my life. First and foremost I am a father of two, husband and breadwinner. We are approaching our 24th wedding anniversary despite me telling my then girlfriend (Now my wife) before we married. That was possibly the hardest thing I have ever done and all it achieved for me was a very reluctant tolerance. I feel Susan has made me a better person. I have never cheated or attacked my wife, I love her dearly despite her being blinkered on this subject. I wish she could see that Susan is an extra side of me that could, just possibly, add something to our marriage.
Alas, Susan lives in isolation at home but I do have a place I try and get to once a month. I am sure my wife sees me as a drag artist (She has refused in no uncertain terms to even look at my pictures) but all I want to to is to present as a stylish and elegant woman.
Do you find this strange? Its perfectly acceptable for females to wear whatever they want to, what's so wrong about the other half of the human race wanting to do the same?
I had better shut up here, I have gone on long enough. I hope you make friends here, my sisters here are a very special and friendly bunch. Please ask your questions, we are very happy to answer them.
Best wishes to you both
Susan
I know some things.
I know some things.
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 5419
- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
Hi, Janice, and welcome to the Forum!
Well, my Virginia said it very well, and I do agree with what she wrote. All I can add is that I have the best of both worlds . . . a he-man when I need him to be that, and the best girlfriend I could ever have, too!
Keep the lines of communication open, and talk with (not 'to') each other. Compromise if you must, but remember that compromise is always a two-way street with give-and-take being equal from both parties. Don't set any hard-and-fast 'rules' or issue (or give in to) any "ultimatums", you'll just be setting yourself up for failure. Keep an open mind, and remember why you fell in love with your hubby . . . I'm sure if you look back on your relationship, you'll have found bits and pieces of "her" in him but you just didn't realize it at the time. Most importantly, remember our motto here: Baby steps, honey; baby steps!!
I've already given you access to the GG-only sections, so read through the archives there, too. You'll find a wealth of information and if you don't, then don't hesitate to ask!
- SL
Well, my Virginia said it very well, and I do agree with what she wrote. All I can add is that I have the best of both worlds . . . a he-man when I need him to be that, and the best girlfriend I could ever have, too!
Keep the lines of communication open, and talk with (not 'to') each other. Compromise if you must, but remember that compromise is always a two-way street with give-and-take being equal from both parties. Don't set any hard-and-fast 'rules' or issue (or give in to) any "ultimatums", you'll just be setting yourself up for failure. Keep an open mind, and remember why you fell in love with your hubby . . . I'm sure if you look back on your relationship, you'll have found bits and pieces of "her" in him but you just didn't realize it at the time. Most importantly, remember our motto here: Baby steps, honey; baby steps!!
I've already given you access to the GG-only sections, so read through the archives there, too. You'll find a wealth of information and if you don't, then don't hesitate to ask!
- SL
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
-
Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
KimberlyS
- Site Administrator
- Posts: 3341
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:01 pm
- Location: North Central USA, SD
Janice Welcome to you and your husband to the forum. The two of you sound like you are well down the path of working on this as you are both talking about it. Keep it up and it will take some time.
kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt
kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt
Site Administrator
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
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London
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 43
- Joined: Fri Oct 02, 2009 11:54 am
- Location: Ontario, Canada
Hi Janice
I only recently rediscovered my enjoyment of cross-dressing. Actually my partner (a G.G.) dared me to try on her undies (expecting me to say no) and well it snowballed from there and what was amazing is that she actually thinks I look sexy in women's lingerie. Anyway, I say re-discovered, because I tried it when I was a teen and then forgot about it for 40 years. It is a small but exciting part of our life and we have both agreed that it should never go beyond what we are both comfortable with but that we both love it being a part of our life together.
The only jealousy El has expressed (only in humour) is that she wants my long skinny legs.
Now I have never gone out dressed and in fact until recently never tried to dress in anything but lingerie. Recently, we joined a group called Xpressions in Toronto (we are Crazy Canucks from the Great White North) and we are going to the Christmas Gala with me dressed in a little Black dress, 4 inch heels and full makeup and wig. It's exciting but very scary. (PS I'm 6'2" in flats - that make me a real Amazon in stilettos)
I think of myself (and did, even before finding out I was a CD) that I am 75% male and 25% female in that I love being a man but in many way have thoughts that are more closely linked to women. I think that I am really just a well rounded person.
It could be that you hubby, in having a strong feminine side (expressed partially through his dressing), is going to show you more and more of his well-roundedness.
Boy I am long-winded.
It sounds like you have gotten off to a really good start with 3 days of laughing and crying. You have already realized that he is still the man you love and that you can communicate. Both are the most important things in any relationship.
I wish you both the best of luck in your continuing journey of discovery. You are in for a great new adventure.
I only recently rediscovered my enjoyment of cross-dressing. Actually my partner (a G.G.) dared me to try on her undies (expecting me to say no) and well it snowballed from there and what was amazing is that she actually thinks I look sexy in women's lingerie. Anyway, I say re-discovered, because I tried it when I was a teen and then forgot about it for 40 years. It is a small but exciting part of our life and we have both agreed that it should never go beyond what we are both comfortable with but that we both love it being a part of our life together.
The only jealousy El has expressed (only in humour) is that she wants my long skinny legs.
Now I have never gone out dressed and in fact until recently never tried to dress in anything but lingerie. Recently, we joined a group called Xpressions in Toronto (we are Crazy Canucks from the Great White North) and we are going to the Christmas Gala with me dressed in a little Black dress, 4 inch heels and full makeup and wig. It's exciting but very scary. (PS I'm 6'2" in flats - that make me a real Amazon in stilettos)
I think of myself (and did, even before finding out I was a CD) that I am 75% male and 25% female in that I love being a man but in many way have thoughts that are more closely linked to women. I think that I am really just a well rounded person.
It could be that you hubby, in having a strong feminine side (expressed partially through his dressing), is going to show you more and more of his well-roundedness.
Boy I am long-winded.
It sounds like you have gotten off to a really good start with 3 days of laughing and crying. You have already realized that he is still the man you love and that you can communicate. Both are the most important things in any relationship.
I wish you both the best of luck in your continuing journey of discovery. You are in for a great new adventure.
London
<< my inner girl is out out and struttin' about >>
<< my inner girl is out out and struttin' about >>
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Zeta
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 33
- Joined: Sun May 18, 2008 7:34 pm
- Location: Ontario, Canada
Hi Janice
I do hope things work out for you and your husband.
I am 73 years old (we've been married 43 years), and although I enjoyed crossdressing before I married, didn't indulge (except for panties) until I retired ten years ago. For me it's mainly a sensual experience.
My wife is accepting, passes on any of her lingerie I like since we both lost weight, makes and embroiders panties for me.
I only dress at home, and not to pass; just for the sensual feel of it. I do wear women's jeans and other unobvious clothes away from home.
For a few years, crosdressing added a frison to our sex-life, but not so much now.
I do hope things work out for you and your husband.
I am 73 years old (we've been married 43 years), and although I enjoyed crossdressing before I married, didn't indulge (except for panties) until I retired ten years ago. For me it's mainly a sensual experience.
My wife is accepting, passes on any of her lingerie I like since we both lost weight, makes and embroiders panties for me.
I only dress at home, and not to pass; just for the sensual feel of it. I do wear women's jeans and other unobvious clothes away from home.
For a few years, crosdressing added a frison to our sex-life, but not so much now.
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Michelle Miller
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 556
- Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:34 pm
- Location: Bristol, Virginia
- Contact:
Just as the other folks have touched on, the most important thing you can do right now is be there for your husband. Try to understand that this was a part of him for a LONG time. It doesn't make him any less of a whole person, or any different.
Now, with that said, closet CD'ers, in my opinion, are usually scared of the repercussions of a loved one finding out about it. It's usually not about hiding for the 'thrill of undercover' spy game stuff. There's a lot of conflict going on in most of our heads, the 'what if?' if you will. That, combined with the fear of losing their loved ones is the gist of it. It's not about going off to 'play pervert' behind the wife's back, at least it's not for a great majority of us.
Sit down and talk with him, open up, and let him know that you really want to understand his point of view about the situation. If he apologizes for hiding it from you, if you really love him, just accept it, sincerely. Take it as understanding more of what makes him tick, and in turn, understanding how much deeper your husband is because of it. Learn from it, and try to be a wife we'd all love to have, one that's just as there for their spouse as the other is.
With that said, welcome to the forum.
Now, with that said, closet CD'ers, in my opinion, are usually scared of the repercussions of a loved one finding out about it. It's usually not about hiding for the 'thrill of undercover' spy game stuff. There's a lot of conflict going on in most of our heads, the 'what if?' if you will. That, combined with the fear of losing their loved ones is the gist of it. It's not about going off to 'play pervert' behind the wife's back, at least it's not for a great majority of us.
Sit down and talk with him, open up, and let him know that you really want to understand his point of view about the situation. If he apologizes for hiding it from you, if you really love him, just accept it, sincerely. Take it as understanding more of what makes him tick, and in turn, understanding how much deeper your husband is because of it. Learn from it, and try to be a wife we'd all love to have, one that's just as there for their spouse as the other is.
With that said, welcome to the forum.
-Michelle-
"Inside me, there's a thin girl, screaming to get out, but cookies & ice cream usually shut her right up."
"Inside me, there's a thin girl, screaming to get out, but cookies & ice cream usually shut her right up."
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Bernice
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 615
- Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2004 11:24 pm
- Location: Northeast Kansas
Welcome to the forum Janice! As you have already discovered, there are many excellent communicators here to help in any way we can.
I also thought Virginia's comments were especially appropriate.
I'm still married to the girl I married in 1976. I think in the end, crossdressing has one of two effects on a marriage. Either it ends it, or it strengthens it. With 20/20 hindsight, many here wish that they had shared their special secret prior to marriage, but I'm not sure that even that is any guarantee of success. As the years keep rolling by, I begin to think that what determines whether or not your marriage strengthened or destroyed by it depends on what you want it to do.
The whole crossdressing thing mostly boils down to three relatively big issues.
First, and most obvious, the clothes don't match what we were taught that we were supposed to wear. It takes a mindset willing to question authority to say "It's just clothing. Who says one is right or wrong?". Are you less of a woman because you ever wear pants? Of course not. Just remember that there was a time when women were brutally punished for wearing pants.
Second, there is the discovery that your guy is not 100% guy. Chances are, you never really thought about it before, but almost no guy is 100% guy. Furthermore, the parts of him that aren't stereotypically male/macho are probably traits that attracted you to him in the first place. You probably aren't 100% girl either, as the vast majority of women are not stereotypically 100% feminine.
Third, is the issue of trust, because the secret came out. Chances are, the pain you are experiencing right now is the #1 reason he kept the secret from you in the first place. Ask him, and I'll bet he'll say he wanted you to know; he just didn't want to endanger your relationship, or cause you anguish. His fear of harming the relationship is an unmistakable indication of just how important you are to him.
So, my advice to you would be to continue talking, continue learning, and continue loving. That's what the rest of us try to do.
Hugs,
Bernice
I also thought Virginia's comments were especially appropriate.
I'm still married to the girl I married in 1976. I think in the end, crossdressing has one of two effects on a marriage. Either it ends it, or it strengthens it. With 20/20 hindsight, many here wish that they had shared their special secret prior to marriage, but I'm not sure that even that is any guarantee of success. As the years keep rolling by, I begin to think that what determines whether or not your marriage strengthened or destroyed by it depends on what you want it to do.
The whole crossdressing thing mostly boils down to three relatively big issues.
First, and most obvious, the clothes don't match what we were taught that we were supposed to wear. It takes a mindset willing to question authority to say "It's just clothing. Who says one is right or wrong?". Are you less of a woman because you ever wear pants? Of course not. Just remember that there was a time when women were brutally punished for wearing pants.
Second, there is the discovery that your guy is not 100% guy. Chances are, you never really thought about it before, but almost no guy is 100% guy. Furthermore, the parts of him that aren't stereotypically male/macho are probably traits that attracted you to him in the first place. You probably aren't 100% girl either, as the vast majority of women are not stereotypically 100% feminine.
Third, is the issue of trust, because the secret came out. Chances are, the pain you are experiencing right now is the #1 reason he kept the secret from you in the first place. Ask him, and I'll bet he'll say he wanted you to know; he just didn't want to endanger your relationship, or cause you anguish. His fear of harming the relationship is an unmistakable indication of just how important you are to him.
So, my advice to you would be to continue talking, continue learning, and continue loving. That's what the rest of us try to do.
Hugs,
Bernice
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Leeza
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1745
- Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:46 pm
- Location: McCook, Nebraska
- Contact:
Welcome Janice. The advice given is good advice and I won't add to it. Once again, welcome to the best community on the internet with some of the most helpful and understanding girls.
Leeza
Do you find yourself enjoying it?my hubby pointed out to me that I have worn nail polish, extra make up, and done a ton of primping ever since I found out...all things that I NEVER do..lol
Leeza
Leeza
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Janice SO
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 10
- Joined: Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:15 pm
I can't say that I haven't enjoyed the extra primping...although it is a lot of work..lol
I must say that nail polish is just a pain in the butt..it always chips off and leaves me looking worse than if I had never put any on. And apparently (according to a few female friends) my cuticles are "awful".
Thanks again for all the welcoming words. I have already learned so much from reading all the past posts. I am really hoping that it makes this communication lag that my dh and I are facing a little easier to bridge. It seems that since the initial blundering talks, we have both been circling each other waiting to see who is going to go first...so silly after 16 years of marriage, but none-the-less where we seem to be at the moment.
Janice SO
I must say that nail polish is just a pain in the butt..it always chips off and leaves me looking worse than if I had never put any on. And apparently (according to a few female friends) my cuticles are "awful".
Thanks again for all the welcoming words. I have already learned so much from reading all the past posts. I am really hoping that it makes this communication lag that my dh and I are facing a little easier to bridge. It seems that since the initial blundering talks, we have both been circling each other waiting to see who is going to go first...so silly after 16 years of marriage, but none-the-less where we seem to be at the moment.
Janice SO
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Charon (SO)
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Wed Nov 04, 2009 4:22 am
- Location: Britain
hi Janice,welome from another newbie to this site,i have known about my boyfriends crossdressing for years but he finds it embarrasing to talk openly to me about this so i am working my way through reading through all the posts on this site for my own knowlege and so i may know how to approach him better about stuff, i think this is a good idea.Also dont be embarrased to ask any questions,i am finding that i get quite a few perspectives on any questions i have asked which is very helpful