i am so confused

[Charon (SO)]

hi, i am so confused,my boyfriend told me about his crossdressing years ago and i felt really glad that he trusted me enough to tell me but since then he has never tried to explain anything else to me.he has never tried to bring this into our sexual relationship and when i was younger i was jealous,i suppose i felt like this was a whole seperate sex life that didn,t invole me he also used to watch porn behind my back,this bothered me too, i didn,t mind us watching it together but it just seemed like another part of something he,d rather do without me, he would also borrow my clothes without asking and ruin them i am 5ft 3 and slim build and he would do the same with my mates clothes leaving me to have to make exuses to them about why they couldn,t have stuff back,he would pretend to buy me the odd peice of sexy underwear but it would be in the wrong size and i would know it was for him really. i know now jealousy was not the best response but when i was young i had a much harder time dealing with my emotions and it really knocked my self confidence, it made me really question my womanlyness, why would he rather sneak around behind my back than have sex with me.i think to be fair and he has said the same, if id got my sexual kicks by dressing up in mens clothes and shoes, wearing a mans wig and sticking on a moustache while he was out he would be confused. when we first met we had a great sex life but after the first couple of years it went really downhill untill i realised the only time we were having sex was when i initiated it, he dresses up more than ever i,m sure its every time i,m out and he also watches porn every time i,m out but still lies about it i have asked him not to lie to me anymore he just says yes then lies somemore, when he has been on the internet he erases his history,i don,t care about him dressing up but i do care about him sneaking around on the internet, i watch a bit of porn, i dont feel the need to erase my history so what is he hiding, it hurts me to know he has no problem looking me in the eyes and lying.the whole problem now is to do with our lack of sex life and the lies,i tried to improve it i am not a prude i am willing to give most things a go i am quite open minded and not jugemental, i told him he could wear womens clothes when we have sex,i just said he would have to start off slow maybe just shoes and undies untill i get used to it,he has a couple of times when he,s been drunk and it turns me on to have him turned on, i bought him some undies thinking they wern,t too much and we could start from there but theyre just in with his other clothes i took his measurments on the rare occasion he opened up when he,d been drinking thinking i might buy him something nice but then i thought better of it, dont know if i can be bothered,i really dont know if he,s interested in me sexually anymore he buys himself stockings and bits of clothes doesnt buy me any, i feel like the only time we have sex is when he feels guilty and then he seems preocupied with my vagina and anus and seams to forget i have a head,breasts etc we dont make love he just tries to get me to orgasm as quick as possible,why does he fufill his sexual needs but thinks mine are unimportant i honestly dont know what to do anymore i feel like i dont know who he really is, i feel like if our relationship was worth saving he would try harder at being honest he says he is embarrased which i understand, obviousley that must be more important than my hurt ,we have been together for a long time,and in most ways we get on great i love spending time with him we have lots of fun,i love him very much. i just dont know if its enough anymore i want a honest relationship,i want a sex life im only 34.i dont want to have to keep finding out about hidden things about my boyfriend, he has told me a lot of lies,am i even the one for him if he cant be honest with me, does,nt want to sleep with me, what am i? just a friend,i arnt after sympathy i just have no one to talk to about this and he wont talk to me so i would appreciate any advice on wether this relationship is worth saving,he has just come home and read all this and still nothing to say about anything i am bored of having a oneway conversation,sorry for going on thanks

[DonnaT]

I was going to suggest printing this out and having him read it, but I see he already read it.

And if he had no comments after reading it, then it seems to me there is only a one way relationship of love. Your's to him.

I can only guess that he's just not into you anymore.

Sounds like he's more into Internet fantasies.

And, if he can't be bothered to wear what you have bought for him, then it seems like he's not sexually stimulated except by fantasies that probably only involve your clothes, and keeping secrets.

Some people grow up hiding their CDing, while at the same time, getting off sexually by the whole thing. They'll get an adrenaline rush that makes their orgasm feel so much better than sex based on love. Your description of where he focuses his intentions when y'all have sex, seem to bear this out.

But, we have no idea what his fantasies are, or what type of porn, if it is porn, he likes on the Internet. It's all guess work if he won't talk to you.

Communication is key to a good relationship. Honest communication. Without that, and without love, what have you got? Probably not anything worth saving.

[Charon (SO)]

thankyou very much for replying so quickly and giving me a honest opinion its very much appreciated

[Virginia]

Hi Charon,

Guess I can only echo what Donna has said. The key is communication and if only one party wants to communicate, kind of makes it tough.

It appears that you have some decisions to make. We can give you some options and you can pick and choose from those or make up your own, but from my perspective, it is not fair for you to be unhappy and curious with no answers.

As we say on this forum, the bottom line is that we (you/Charon) are responsible for our own happiness and if you are in a relationship that does not make you happy.............

Hope you will stay and continue to share with us.

Virginia

[KimberlyS]

Charon you sound like a CDers dream. You are willing to talk about it and incorporate it into your lives some how. If he has read this and not taken any action he needs a good slap up side the head. As Donna said communication is key in a relationship along with both partners working on the relationship. There is no I or one in a relationship.

To you BF, get your head out of your b-end and work with this gal. I understand the shame and guilt that can come with CDing. It is bad enough trying to deal with it yourself. But if Charon is willing to help you need to step up and start talking.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

[SilverLady(SO)]

with all the comments, and couldn't have said them any better myself. BTW, Virginia is *my* CD/TG, and I couldn't be happier having her and her 'male alter ego' as the loves of my life!


A relationship is a partnership, requiring team work from both parties, and it appears that your BF interested in going solo. Charon, hon, if he can't open up and start talking with you, then I think you need to give him some "applied education to the seat of learning" and then continue giving it to him until he's out of your life!


Wish you the best of luck, hon . . . and do feel free to talk with us!




- SL

[Charon (SO)]

thankyou all for taking the time to reply all your advice is very much appreciated it is good to have somewhere like this to read and ask questions.i do feel a bit mean writing about him even though he can read everything i write, apart from the sex and the lies he is a good man he is caring,kind,funny if he wasn,t i would have already left him it,s just when it comes talking about sex its like trying to talk to a child and i think he lies because its easy to him, he is a expert, i think he used to lie to his mum about lots of things when he lived at home but that was a long time ago and i am not his mum.up until this last few years i wanted to believe some of things he has said so i am stupid really but sometimes it is harder to face up to the truth, like has been said he,s probably just not that into me, thats quite hard to take.i am sure we would have lots of sex if i dressed up in mini skirts,stockings, heels put mirrors round the walls, video cameras etc.i am willing to do this stuff i have done this stuff it is fun sometimes, but he is still only interested in certain parts of me, all i want is once in a while to have some foreplay and to just make love without it feeling like its a performance this is probably too much of a chore for him if he doesnt fancy me but where does it leave me, its obviously too boring i would be ok if this was with him dressed up or not but he is not interested i have told him how i feel he just says he will try then nothing changes and actions speak louder than words,when he is on is own he dresses up watches porn uses beads and vibrators has mirrors i dont know what else because the rest he hides, so i guess i probably dont do it for him, he doesn,t want me to leave him but we both want a sex life were just not fufilling each other.all i want is for him to be honest with me and for us to have a good sex life that we both enjoy but i dont know how to get this i feel like im going round in circles,i dont want to leave him but i cant carry on like this i am trying to be less upset angry when he lies to me in the hope that if i change my responses he might change his or maybe the things he lies about are things he thinks i really wont understand i dont know.sorry for writing a essay again lol just need to talk thanks

[Virginia]

Thanks for sharing with us and I am not telling you something that I am sure you do not already know, its a "girl thing." If you know he is lying about his, can I say, alternative lifestyle" that he does not want to share with you, you are surely asking yourself whatelse could he be lying about? It is just a human response to this type of situation.

Unfortunately, I am being redundant, but again, we are responsible for our own happiness and if you are not happy and in reading your post, it appears that you don't feel that "things" are going to change, guess you have a decision to make, not nice, not easy but we only get one shot at the "trip around the sun," so make the best of it for your own sake.

Not too blunt, I hope!

Love,

Virginia

[KimberlyS]

There is always the profession consulting route if he willing to do that.

kimberlys-CD
joe in a skirt

[Absaroka]

I'm wondering if the problems are restricted to sex and lying about sex. You say that other times you get along well. But perhaps I'm misunderstanding something.

My wife pretty much lost interest in sex after menopause. I'm told it's something that happens to a lot of women. We have a great relationship that no longer includes that much sex. I'd like it to be different but it isn't. However we have the knowledge that this happens to a lot of married couples eventually.

Maybe your husband just doesn't want to have sex with women. There are men who love their wives but are not attracted to women, perhaps because they are gay (I'm not suggesting that he is, it's just an example) or perhaps because they'd just rather have sex with themselves. The sort of thing our society doesn't talk about and so it becomes very shameful, and so he lies about it.

I could be completely wrong about all of this. After all I've read a couple of internet posts by you and nothing else. But if you are really saying that you like the rest of the relationship then maybe you have to consider this possibility.

It sounds like the biggest issue is the lying. We lie either because we ourselves can not accept the truth, or because we believe others can not accept the truth, or because we are just dishonest manipulative jerks. My suggestion is that you find a way to let him know that you can accept the truth, whatever it is. You may need to enlist help in the form of a marriage counselor to do this. Then it's up to him.

CDing is very confusing. I have told my wife some, not all. She doesn't seem to want to hear more, and the two people we both know f2f who know about it have told me I should respect this and not say too much more. Sometimes this means don't ask don't tell. Other times it turns into lies of ommision. Not something I like. But the plain unvarnished truth is this. CDing is something very private for me, and if she was totally accepting of it I suspect that I'd still mostly do it when she wasn't around. There is a part of me that is glad she doesn't want anything to do with this.

I hope this helps, and as I said, maybe I am totally off base. The one thing I am pretty sure of is that if the distress level I'm picking up in your post is as high as it seems to be, that you probably need more support than is available on line. This is a great spot to ask questions about CDing. But we don't know you, never see you in f2f life, and can quickly reach the limit of our usefullness.

Keep posting, I hope this has been helpful. I'm sorry if any of it comes across as harsh, but there is stuff that we sometimes just don't know how to say.

Zari

[Charon (SO)]

thanks again for all your responses it is good to have different comments i feel a bit better just for having written things down and not just having them going around in my head, ive only just found this site so am going to have a good read of everyything on here it might at least give me some idea of some things or some idea of how to get him to talk to me i dont know got to be worth a try

[Charon (SO)]

The problems are all restricted to sex and lying about sex,i know some people have good relationships without sex if one person may have lost interest due to changes in hormones or other stuff but we are both still interested,just him not with me.It may seem shallow but just as he has a need to dress up to get his sexual satisfacation i have a need to make love to fufill me,getting off on my own is not the same.I would never take away his clothes and lock them in a box but this is in effect what he is doing to me i cant make him make love to me.i love him so i wouldnt want to cheat on him i wouldnt want to hurt him but i can see why some people do, just to have someone wanting to seduce you without having to talk them into it when they realy dont want to would be so nice,but even if i did cheat it wouldnt really be making love would it . I dont know if he could be bisexual i know that most people who crossdress are heteresexual but he has done a few things that have made me wonder such as i once found him looking at a magazine with men when he,d had a few and a couple of times when he,s been drunk he,s tried to get in bed with male friends naked i have just laughed about it but i dont know, i have watched women only porn and i am definatley heteresexual so it could mean nothing,how commen is it for men when in a female persona to fantasise about being with a man?i have asked him he said no but he would say no if it was easier than telling the truth, i really dont know wether he lies to me to save my feelings or wether his secret sex life is that kinky he doesnt think id get my head around it,maybe i would maybe i wouldnt but surely that should be my decisoin to make,i did suggest counselling the other day he said he didnt want to, it is the first time ive suggested this,thanks for the suggestions as to whats going on they are very much appreciated i am gratefull for any honest opinions

[Absaroka]

If everything is good except the sex and the lying about it, then it sounds like maybe he is trying to protect you from full knowledge of his desires. And maybe feeling guilty that he can't be what you need.

As you said some couple get along fine without sex. Especially in older couples sometimes it's mutual. But when it's not mutual a solution must be arrived at. Many other people have felt what you are feeling. In particular it's actually a fairly common male complaint.

Some men like to pursue other men while in femme mode as a way of "being female" although most crossdressers do not. Some crossdressers are just plain bisexual. But the majority of crossdressers are heterosexual men. We talk here a lot about letting the woman within express herself, but in my case it's more about other stuff. A sense of theatricallity, of playfulness, of having an imaginary friend. And sex weaves it's way into all of that.

Let me ask you this. This is terribly upsetting to you. How upsetting is it to him, do you think, to know that he'd rather watch porn and jerk off while wearing a dress than make love to a woman he loves? He probably is consumed with shame, which of course in most men turns into anger.

If he won't go to counselling go by yourself. If you could sort this out by yourself you probably would have already done so.

Hang in there.


Zari

[Charon (SO)]

hi Absaroka
thanks for your comments not sure i agree with this though

Let me ask you this. This is terribly upsetting to you. How upsetting is it to him, do you think, to know that he'd rather watch porn and jerk off while wearing a dress than make love to a woman he loves? He probably is consumed with shame, which of course in most men turns into anger.

The thing is relationships are about give and take and compromise, i am happy to go out of my way to please him sexually because i want him to enjoy himself, surely its not that hard for him to do the same,i think he is just lazy,and cant be bothered because he gets a better thrill out of sneaking around,he used to lie about other things all the time the first few years of our relationship ,he also likes high adrenaline sports so i wonder if he,s just addicted to getting high off chemicals in his brain he says he dresses just to get off nothing else,i really dont think he is consumed with shame i dont think he spends too much of his time thinking about stuff besides he knows he is a good person and knows that i love his personalty,maybe thats what it is maybe he is just that sure that all the things i like about him will keep me in this relationship so anything he,s not that interested in doing he cant be bothered with.

[Absaroka]

Charon since I don't know your husband I can't know what he thinks or feels. All I can tell you is how most men would feel in that situation. It would be a shame that would run so deep and be so intrinsic to us that we would have become experts at pretending not to feel it or let anyone else know we felt it. Our cover story about how we felt would have been perfected so long ago that we believed it ourselves. Remember that most of us started coping with our feelings about this as children, at a time when there was no societal outlet for our discussing our sexual feelings in the first place, let alone feelings that we knew were "different"

Note that I'm talking about how we would feel, not what our actions would be.

But I could be completely wrong.
Zari