I love my wife,yet I keep my cross dressing a gaurded secret

[Heather]

I would be so releived not to live this lie another day.Part of it is couage of course,but the thought of losing her would make all of this pointless.My wife would lose all respect for me and a divorce would be the final out come.She knows me as a man whom can fix anything ,cars,furnace,I remodled our home myself.Lately the guilt for my feminine side is causing me to rethink my whole life.I love my wife unconditionaly but I realize accepting Heather is too much to ask of her.This is causing me to slip into a dark depression.Our sex life has always been incredible,but I fear she may think me gay for my dressing up.It has always had a calming affect on me,and a sort of taboo exictement.How do I not hurt my love ,but save us and at this point my mental well being Thanks for reading

[DonnaT]

Hi Heather, to the forum.

I can only suggest that you consider all that's happening, and if your depression begins to erode your marriage, you might want to talk to a therapist before coming out to your wife.

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=107

[Heather]

I have been seeing a therapast for a few months now,I just dont know how to let it out.How do you say I've cross dressing since 10.Its a part of me and, being married I underdress constantly.Why can't we stop i've heard other crossdressers say that they purge,and just end up buying all new clothes,as I have tried.I think your completey right Donna just in need of a low key segway.My wife is out of town in Oahu for ten days so I'm enjoying the freedom I painted my toe nails and they look nice. Take good care

[Elizabeth]

Hi Heather,

You are in a tough spot. I have been in exactly the same spot as you, except my marriage was not fundamentally happy and satisfying. However, I do understand the depression from keeping the secret. Eventually it became more important to me to come out and not have to live this huge lie, than any benefit I gained from my marriage.

I can not advise you on what to do as only you can know what is best for you. I can tell you that there is life after coming out of the closet. For me, it meant a not very nice divorce. However, I did end up with all three of my children who chose to live with me, even though I came out of the closet and was living full time as a woman.

I then met the most wonderful woman, Raven(SO), whom I married. She met me as Elizabeth and has always accepted me as I am. I went from a very unhappy life keeping the secret, to living the life I always dreamed of living.

I wish you luck and hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Virginia]

Hi Heather,

I hope you will not only take Donna and Elizabeth's advice, but find time to go back and read some of the posts here. Fortunately or unfortunately, your situation is NOT unique to our universe!

First, you know you are not gay which is the first question that is raised by the (offended) spouse. The second, depends on their knowledge of "our universe." We find some spouses who have not got a clue what a crossdresser, transgendered or transsexual is, but if they do usually the second question is "do you intend to transition?" Assuming you get past the first two the third and most volatile question arises, and this appears to be strictly a GG response. "Why have you hidden (lied) to me all this time?" Then they will necessarily ponder, "what else have you lied about!"

After that, as our British friends are fond of saying, it all becomes a "sticky wicket."

As Elizabeth said, there is life after opening the door!

After reading a lot of what is here and researching other sites, I think you will also find that there is mounting scientific evidence that not only were we (my favorite description) born with this "gift," IT AIN'T GONNA GO AWAY!!!! You can purge, you can suppress, repress, ignore this part of you and you will as you so aptly pointed out will live a rather depressing existence, (if I may, if my SO were spending 10 days in Oahu and I lived in Alaska, I would be additionally depressed - sorry 'bout that, but could not resist.

We are here for each other and to love and support and share, so please continue to participate and perhaps you will find a path to follow that you can live with on your "Magical Mystery Tour!"

Love,

Virginia

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Heather, and welcome to the Forum!

Ditto what Donna, Elizabeth, and "my" Virginia have said above . . . I couldn't say it any better than they did!

- SL

[Charon (SO)]

hi,i just want to say how do you know how you wife will react,i dont know how long you have been together and i know its hard but this is a big part of who you are , you should have told her early on really, keeping secrets is not healthy for a relationship i know this is easy for me to say but i am contemplating leaving my partner not because he crossdresses that doesnt bother me but because he wont talk to me and has lied about stuff all through our relationship and now i feel like i dont know who he is.what is a relationship if there is no honesty or trust.if you do find the strength to tell her i would suggest you are very gentle with how you tell her reasure her you are still the same person,that you are not gay and that you you love her very much,people sometimes over react through ignorance and because they are scared,so if you do tell her i would perhaphs find a couple of articles on here which she can read which will give her some idea of how you feel you never know she might find out anyway,some of us women are nosey you know,one day she might come across some of your stuff,wont no who it belongs to, that will really fry her brain,.i really wish id had the internet along time ago and found a forum like this just to have more understanding.i dont know either of you so i dont know how things would work out i just think people who lie are keeping there partners under false pretenses sorry to be to the point but thats how i feel.if you did tell her and she stayed with you i would make sure you continue to have a good sex life put the effort in and let her know you fancy her,this can cause jealousy in a relationship it can make you insecure so you need to be understanding if she tries to be.Also if you did tell her and she stayed with you,you shouldn,t force her to see you dressed up she might want you to just dress when she,s not there and this should be respected this can be quite a hard thing to get your head round you need to think how you would feel honestly if your wife put on a fake moustache and beard i am sure it would take you a while to get your head round it,anyway good luck this is only my opinion

[Charon (SO)]

i dont like to generalise but most women i know hold trust as one of the most important things in a relationship,and as one of the other posts said some of us do have a tendency to think if you lie about some things then what else are you lying about maybe this is just how womens brains work i dont know all women so i dont know, i just think if you expect someone to understand you need to make the effort to understand them to

[Charon (SO)]

When my boyfriend told me he crossdressed i did not lose any respect for him i was happy that he trusted me.The other lies that he tells me are making me lose respect for him.To be honest about who you are takes a lot of strength, what traits are more deserving of respect of yourself and of others

[Bernice]

I empathize with you, Heather.

What would have been my first marriage was annulled, and a significant part of it was due to crossdressing. OTOH, my only marriage has now lasted 33+ years, and is still strong.

You cannot know how your wife will react to the truth. You can only know that the chances she will accept it are greater if you tell her, than they would be if she found out on her own. No secret lasts forever.

The decision about when (or even if) to tell her should not be made lightly. Learn all you can about this issue. Tell your therapist. They are paid to help you with your problems. Not telling the therapist is like paying for a tank of fuel at the filling station, but not putting any fuel in your tank. If the therapist can't deal with crossdressing, find a therapist who can.

Learn to accept who you are. You can change, maybe, in small ways, but basically you are who you are. Most CDs who try never really escape from being crossdressers. I stopped trying 36 years ago, and haven't looked back.

Once you accept yourself, then realize this: your spouse either loves you or she loves who she thinks you are. If it isn't you that she loves, it isn't a healthy marriage anyway.

Think positively!

Hugs,

Bernice

[Zeta]

Hi Heather

I feel so desperately sorry for your situation and do understand. In the ten years since I retired I've purged my feminine clothes at least 3 or 4 times, yet here I sit wearing girdle and stockings and bra , with my beloved wife reading next to me.

(Since this is my day to clean the bathroom, I often dress to do the job.)

As others have said, my relationship too is built on complete honesty.

I do hope your wife will understand and appreciate how you can be a compete male, yet enjoy crossdressing.

[Vieja]

Oh Heather, it is so sad that so many of us live a closeted life because we can not confide in our loved ones. I have always yearned for the freedom to dress around the house. I don't even feel any need to go out in the world as Vieja. Oh well being in the closet means I don't have a large wardrobe so I don't need to spend a lot money on clothes. Crap!

Vieja