Last Sunday evening, my kids stopped over for a visit, and while we were all sitting together in the living room, I told them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle......and if that ever happens, just pull the plug."
They got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
They’re such asses!
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
Moderator: KimberlyS
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Leeza
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada . He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
Leeza
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Carolynn
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Fractured Christmas Carols
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar...
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me...
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire...
He's makin' a list, chicken and rice...
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel...
With the jelly toast proclaim...
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say..
Sleep in heavenly peas...
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown...
You'll go down in Listerine...
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay...
O come, froggy faithful...
You'll tell Carol, Be a skunk, I require...*
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid...
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
We three kings of porridge and tar...
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me...
Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire...
He's makin' a list, chicken and rice...
Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel...
With the jelly toast proclaim...
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say..
Sleep in heavenly peas...
In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is sparse and brown...
You'll go down in Listerine...
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay...
O come, froggy faithful...
You'll tell Carol, Be a skunk, I require...*
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid...
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Carolynn
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- Location: Oklahoma City area
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Grandad was reminiscing about the good old days...
"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.
Yer can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras."
"When I were a lad, me mother would send me down to t'corner shop wi' a shilling, and I'd come back wi' five pounds o' potatoes, two loaves o' bread, three pints o' milk, a pound o' cheese, a packet o' tea, an' 'alf a dozen eggs.
Yer can't do that now. Too many bloody security cameras."
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
A Redneck passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow . . . but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say "I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ......"Go ahead."
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
Who invented the toothbrush? A Redneck!!
(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D.? 'The driver replies 'Bout wut?'
How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say "I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ......"Go ahead."
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records
Who invented the toothbrush? A Redneck!!
(If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)
Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
A new Redneck law was just recently passed. When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
Did you hear that the Redneck Governor's Mansion burned down?
'Yep. Prit'near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the Governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them.'
A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D.? 'The driver replies 'Bout wut?'
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy chocolate with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop eating chocolate years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and chocolate.'
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
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- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
Life without chocolate is like . . . no life at all!!Potato Prostitute
Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.
How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
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Wait for it . . .
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You're gonna love it . . .
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It's the one with the little sticker that says . . .
I - DA - HO !!
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
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- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
An oldie but goodie
A man traveling in the Ozarks was lost, so pulled into the parking area of a remote farm house. A farmer toting a jug and a shotgun came from the house. The traverler nervously asked the farmer for directions, and was surprised when the farmer genially offered him a drink from the jug. Not being a drinker, the traveler politely dissented. The farmer insisted that it was fresh "squeez'ins", and insisted he try it. The traveler again refused, only to have the farmer level the shotgun on him and tell him he certainly would have a drink. 
The traverler was more than alarmed, and cautiously took a drink from the jug under the gaping shotgun barrels. He barely had time to swallow before the quality of the hooch hit him. He nearly retched, and coughed and then said before he thought, "My God man, that is horrible."
The farmer sighed, and handed the man the shotgun and said "Yeah it is, now hold the shotgun on me and make me take a drink."
The traverler was more than alarmed, and cautiously took a drink from the jug under the gaping shotgun barrels. He barely had time to swallow before the quality of the hooch hit him. He nearly retched, and coughed and then said before he thought, "My God man, that is horrible."
The farmer sighed, and handed the man the shotgun and said "Yeah it is, now hold the shotgun on me and make me take a drink."
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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Carolynn
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2754
- Joined: Mon Oct 13, 2003 12:52 pm
- Location: Oklahoma City area
- Contact:
OK, this deserves Bad Joke status.
What is the difference between a terrorist and a woman in the throes of PMS?
You have more luck reasoning with a terrorist.
BOOOOO! HISSS!
What is the difference between a terrorist and a woman in the throes of PMS?
You have more luck reasoning with a terrorist.
BOOOOO! HISSS!
"It’s not given to anyone to have no regrets; only to decide, through the choices we make, which regrets we’ll have,"
David Weber – In Fury Born
David Weber – In Fury Born
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
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- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
BOOOOO! HISSS! 
As "Maude" (the late Bea Arthur) used to say, "God will get you for that!"
- SL
As "Maude" (the late Bea Arthur) used to say, "God will get you for that!"
- SL
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
- Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
-
Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
Washington, D.C.
An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near..
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."
Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Obama.
"Amen", said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
An old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near..
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."
Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Obama.
"Amen", said Pelosi.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
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SilverLady(SO)
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- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a manure.
The End
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
Huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
And loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a manure.
The End