Telling my wife - advice needed

[Michelle M]

I'm hoping this is the right forum. As the request in the new members section, I'm posting my plan or at least what I've thought up so far.

Anyway, I'm planning on telling my wife soonish (probably next month or two) about my crossdressing. I don't do it a lot and my main thing is I like wearing heels and skirts, but I have gotten fully dressed. I've never actually been out in public en femme because I don't have the confidence and that it might lead to me being found out by my wife.

A little more background on things that are important. My wife and my marraige hasn't been the best in the past. We've had some communication issues where we haven't been truthful about what we want and ignored each other. It hit rock-bottom earlier this year when we had some really poor choices made. We have had counseling and things have vastly improved. We're at a much better place than we were the last couple years. The improvement is enough that I feel confident we're to a point I can talk to her about this and it not be the last straw.

Anyway, as far as my plan goes, currently, we're working on costumes for next fall. She suggested that we go as opposite genders which thrilled me. I'm slowly working on getting things for my costume. I'm thinking about waiting until I've tried on the costume (or some attempt at it) and she's seen me in it. Then a week or so later, based on her reaction, then I'm going to attempt to have the discussion. I will affirm to her how much I love her and respect her and how improved our relationship is. Then I will transition into how she saw me in the costume the previous week. I'll mention to her it wasn't the first time I've worn a dress. In high school I dressed up as a woman for Halloween. It wasn't because someone conned me into it, but because I wanted to. Then I'll say something to the effect that I actually like wearing skirts and heels. That's the thing I really like, but I do like putting on more. I've never been outside the house or do anything that'd embarrass her, but it's something I like to do that relieves stress and makes me feel better. I'm sure I'll have to deal with questions about my sexuality and such, but that's pretty easy. I like women, specifically my wife, and have no interest in guys.

Well that's about it at the moment. I may go with a plan that doesn't require her seeing me dressed up in the costume first, but I'm not sure how exactly I'm going to do it. I know the key things are to reassure her that I still love her and respect her.

Any advice you have, I'll take happily.
- Michelle

[Carol Ann]

We have a saying here, "baby steps". You will have to move very slowly and TRY and not upset your wife which will be a hard thing to do.
Some wife except, some don't and others say "don't show or tell". We all wish you the best.

[DonnaT]

First, please read through the thread at http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=107

Second, I hope she will be as understanding of your needs.

Third, don't wait until the costume event. The sooner the better, IMHO. At least while things are going good in the relationship. While you two are being honest with each other.

It's kind of hard to lean on honesty, when you continued to hide this part of who you are.

[Michelle M]

I've read the telling your wife sticky topic. I tried to take some of the lessons in there to incoporate into my plan.

As far as the costume thing goes, the costume event is actually in September, but we're starting to work on it now. I was going to try to make my own dress for it and use that as a springboard into the "I like skirts and heels" discussion. I figure I'll have to make a couple attempts at the dress anyway since I've never made something that complicated before.

Thanks for the advice,
Michelle

[Virginia]

Well we can tell you that to start, when you broach the subject one of two things will happen. One is that she will, figuratively speaking, throw her hands in the air and run screaming into the night. The other will be a series of usually three questions. First is usually, "Are you gay?" the second depends upon her knowledge of "us." "Are you going to transition?" and the third is usually the one that will tell you where her mind is and how she reacts to your answer. "Why did you not tell me before?" As you will see in other posts, GG's minds go in somewhat different directions when confronted by something as strange/alien as "we" are. They initially ignore the fact that their husband has penchant for wearing dresses, their concern initially become, "what else is he hiding from me?"

If she expresses any curiosity you have a solid footing at that point. There is more and more scientific evidence that we were born with this "gift." I don't know that you would want to initially get into the fact that "it doesn't go away!"

Just keep reading and sharing on the forum and my sisters have given some sage advice. First don't wait too long, but as the Boy Scout motto says, "Be Prepared." Read some of the other posts and "baby steps, just baby steps." OH, and if IF she is amenable to it, tell her we would be glad to have her join the forum.

Keep us posted and good luck

Virginia

[Bernice]

Michelle,

Sometimes I have nothing to add, and so I don't post.

This time I have nothing to add to the excellent advice already given, but I decided that by posting, I lend credence to what has already been written, and I show that I care.

Hugs,

Bernice

[MelodyPerkins]

"Are you gay?"
"Are you going to transition?"
"Why did you not tell me before?"
"what else is he hiding from me?"

Virginia

Spot on, Virginia,...and in order!

I wish I had consulted others before I came out. It may have made it easier. I basically dropped a bomb on her,...just allowed her to see me dressed.


In addition to what these more experienced ladies have said, I would add this. Ask your self these questions and answer the honestly. Once you have answered them honestly,...I would suggest that you plan to discuss some sort of agreement with her as to when, where, and to what extent you may dress.

My wife allows me to wear panties and socks, but nothing else. She doesn't want to be creeped out, and doesn't want her family to know. So, I need to respect that. That said, I am trying to reach an agreement which allows me to dress for Hallowe'en. So far, that has not happened. But, it is the one time of the year in which everyone considers it acceptable for a man to dress as a woman, and no one would think it was strange (at least for the first few years).

Respect and love one another. I might also suggest counseling for you, and her. She may not want to go to a therapist, but may truly need one to help her gain perspective. You can get her to go, by indicating that the therapy is for you and that you need her there.

[Joselle]

Hi Michelle

Here's a helpfull page for when you tell

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/article/node/1218

Joselle

[Stef L]

Hi Michelle, Stef here. When I told my so MsDebi, it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. From talking with others over thje years, I knew I had to be prepared for her to leave me. There was a lot of tears. I knew I had to tell her. I owed it to her. I want to be with her for the rest of our lives and I want for her to love me for you I am. I had to risk it. She is trying to cope with this and in my eyes, and I think hers, it has actually brought it closer. I try to be supportive of her and her of me. I have a great respect for her. Good luck Michelle, Stef

[Letitia_Jolie_GG]

Well we can tell you that to start, when you broach the subject one of two things will happen. One is that she will, figuratively speaking, throw her hands in the air and run screaming into the night. The other will be a series of usually three questions. First is usually, "Are you gay?" the second depends upon her knowledge of "us." "Are you going to transition?" and the third is usually the one that will tell you where her mind is and how she reacts to your answer. "Why did you not tell me before?"
Virginia

Funny, it never crossed my mind that *mine* may be gay or going through transition... (Well, i guess I'm not too normal). The only misconception I've fallen for in the first place was that it is something purely sexual, like a fetish.