Need help please

[MissTara (SO)]

I am new to the forum, I just found out last week that my husband of 5 years likes to CD. He didn 't tell me outright, I came home early after a trip to find him in a panic, with lingerie, breastforms, and toys all over my bathroom. It was a shock but after reading a bunch of posts on here I feel better. My problem is that he says he dosen't want to involve me at all. I know he is embarassed by it a whole lot cause he kept using words like Freak show and wierd when describing it. I fear that he really dosen't want to share his sexuality with me. From soon after we were married I felt this thing between us, and really could never get over the feeling I would get when he went out of town for work and now that I know why. All I want is to share and explore together but it seems I am asking too much. Maybe it's just too soon but I can't help but be hurt when he tells me that he just has no desire to share who he is with me and this hurts because I feel like I don't really know him. I can understand being embarassed by it but I am trying to be open and supportive and move slowly but it would be much easier for me if he wanted to share and open up to me. I have even gone as far as telling him that I like the idea of him in lingerie and that I think this should be an oppertunity for us to be more open. He does answer my questions and says he will continue to do so but still I can't help feeling like I am an intruder in my husband's sex life. I know I need to take it slow for his sake so maybe some of you here can offer some other suggestions or talk about how hard it was to talk to your SO about it Vs. wanting to open up to them.

sorry for the spelling mistakes if any, I'm trying to type and run after a toddler at the same time.

[DonnaT]

I don't know that there is much more that you can do.

Your husband needs help.

Help to overcome his own personal non-acceptance, with his gender issues and with sexual desires.

Help in overcoming his self description of being a freak.

Maybe if he joined a forum like this one it would help, but I've seen other CDs in forums like this one, who just couldn't get past their personal issues. They wouldn't/couldn't let their SO in the closet with them.

Professional therapy would be a next step, I reckon.

[Rikki]

Let me start by saying how amazed I am by your strength and self-less desire to be understanding. With those attributes you are sure to work through this uneasy, uncertain, disturbing path that you both are on (today).

Your description of your experiences are, I'm sure, the same that my wife would feel if she were to discover my "secret". Although I have dressed on halloween a couple times and perfer women's satin pajamas, she would probably be shocked, upset, irrate, et al if she were to "surprise" me some day to find me in my "Rikki-state".

So I won't try to give you any advice other than what is often told by others to the CD in a relationship, just move forward in "baby steps." It must feel like thin ice that you're walking on, so tred slowly, carefully and with thought and you're sure to get across the pond to whatever awaits you on the other side.

Let me be the first to again say how happy I am that you are investigating and trying to learn about this discovery you have made. You are a special person. Now go catch the kid!!

Rikki

[Leeza]

MissTara, I am glad to see you hae posted.

As I commented earlier this is a great group with very much the feeling of family.

I agree with what my sisters have posted above and I think their thoughts are very much in line with mine. Although each persons situation is different there are also many similarities.

In my personal experience, it was extremly hard to open up about CD until I was able to accept myself. Since that has happened ir has been a lot esier. That personal acceptance was slow and hard in comeing. I know that my life would have been easier had I been able to accept myself at a lot younger age.

Like Rikki said catch that toddler,

Leeza

[Virginia]

Hi Tara,

First, welcome and, most important, thank you for being open-minded enough to look into what your spouse is going through.

Since you said that he will at least talk to you about "it," that is a very good sign. You may want to consider the approach of telling him that you may not understand but that you care enough to look into what he is experiencing and in your "studies" you found this site and perhaps he might want to at least read some of the posts that you have found here.

Does he feel like he is alone in this? He isn't, I can assure you. Did you know that studies of "us" indicated that we are generally of above average intelligence?

You, for your own information, need to know that it does not go away. As I am fond of saying, "it's a gift!" As my SO {SilverLady(SO)} is also fond of saying, "its great, I have the best of both worlds!" A girlfriend to go shopping with, someone who can see things from a female perspective, and someone who understands why it takes so long to get ready to go anywhere!

And of course there is the potential of sharing clothing. Our is great, very simple, when we plan on going out, first one to put it on gets to wear it. Do you know how many clothes two girls can accumulate? Sorry, you're a GG, you know!

Anyway, please stay and share with us and hopefully you can get your SO to at least visit! You and he will find, we are nice folk. I will also add that I have had the honor of personally meeting several of our members and their SO's in person and they are all just as nice in person as they are here!!!!

Virginia

[Carly]

Tara,
I must agree that your huband could benefit from knowing their are many other with the same interests as him. We may be at different places along a spectrum but we still have so much in common. Opening up to us anonymously may help open up communication with you. We certainly will let him know how lucky he is to have someone that cares enough for him to be supportive.

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

I can very much understand why you'd be hurt. I mean why should he feel scared to be himself with you if he loves you. and why don't you say that to him. explain that its not freaky and that he has alot of self hate issues. I think he should probably see someone about these issues and he needs to learn to not hate himself or it will push a wedge between you two

[MissTara (SO)]

OMG WOW, Thanks so much for all othe great answers and input. Y'all really are supportive!! Tons of great suggestions and insight.

DonnaT- yes quite frankly he could benifit from some professional council to try and become more accepting of who he is, as soon as I get my job backI will definatley suggest we go.

Rikki, thanks so much for your kind, flattering words. It was a shock but not even close to the worst that could have happened, so at our house we are just rolling with the punches right now. And yeah I do feel the ice at times but honestly we've both been in this huggie feeley fog since I found out. I think he is much more relieved than he lets on and it's showing in his awesomely loving attitude lately. Yeah and P.S. I'm lovin it

Virginia- you're right it is a gift! I really see this whole new revelation as an oppertunity to come closer together Poor hubby's having a hard time with it but I can tell he is relieved and happy that I know now too. I never expected it to go away...lol...when he told me he had been doing it for longer than I had been alive then I was pretty sure it was for keeps. He's about 8 years older than me so this has been a part of him 32 years or so like I said he's never told anyone and I feel honored by him sharing with me as much as he has so far. I too think he would benifit from reading this forum
and I will try to baby step him this way. Oh also... great signature! From Peter Pan right? One of my favorite quotes. I used it as my quote in my senior yearbook

Charlie- said"We certainly will let him know how lucky he is to have someone that cares enough for him to be supportive." That would be great, I think sometimes he does not realize how difficult this would be with someone not as understanding as me and it would be nice for him to understand that.

So what I have done since I last posted was to try something out of the box. he is the kind of guy who has trouble talking about anything relationship related, he gets all tied up and paralized with fear of saying the wrong thing very often. I think this is too hard on him so I suggested that we try to communicate difficult things or potentially difficult things in a journal. This seems to have put him at ease so hopefully it will allow him to be more comfortable in this whole process. I have drafted a letter to him of support to show him how ok I am with all this and where my boundries lie. I think this will be the first entry into the book. I'm thinking of posting it here before I let him see it just to get suggestions.

Again you all have been wonderful and such a source of support over the past few days, thank you so much!

Now I'm off to answer your burning questions in the ask GG section. Figure it's the least I can do

[DonnaT]

So what I have done since I last posted was to try something out of the box. he is the kind of guy who has trouble talking about anything relationship related, he gets all tied up and paralized with fear of saying the wrong thing very often. I think this is too hard on him so I suggested that we try to communicate difficult things or potentially difficult things in a journal.

Sounds like a great idea!

[Absaroka]

Miss tarta you sound like a very nice person and spouse. There are all good suggestions here. I'd like to add that your husband has probably spent most of his life doing his very best not to let ANYONE know about this, and is probably terrified that you will reject him even though you are doing your best to let him know you won't. Alternativly some other person did find out and did reject him. His lying to you was really a way of trying to protect the marriage, given that he probably didn't feel he could stop CDing and playing with his toys.

As has been mentioned here he may have a lot of shame about it as well.

Patience and keep telling him that you love him and that it's okay.

Here's something that doesn't get said here too much. I did tell my wife, a couple of years after we were married, on the grounds that we are as sick as our secrets and it was a relationship based on honesty and I didn't feel right about lying. She was not rejecting but not comfortable about it either. At the time there wasn't really that much to tell, I wasn't doing it much. What I realized however was that this was something that began when I was a child. And for both her and me part of the uncomfortableness had to do with the idea that this was just childish. Not perverted or weird, just childish.

In my particular case, I still feel that way. But at this point I consider it no more childish than getting excited over sports, or cars, or most of the things men do to amuse themselves.

hang in there and keep us posted.

Zari