An unexpected dichotomy

[Absaroka]

here's a dichotomy I've found in myself between the "male" and "female" Now I know that I've often posted that dressing in womens clothing for me is an expression of maleness, an embracing of something I am not. And that it is something else that is not really female but something else sort of unknowable. But here goes anyway, and I'll use masculine and feminine as shorthand for something else I don't have words for.

I play the trumpet. Music, especially jazz, is very important to me. At it's best it's a conversation that transcends words. Music being emotional and intuitive would seem like an expression of the feminine, and I even wrote a book once in which the female character, my femme alter, played the trumpet. But I don't like to dress when I play the trumpet. I don't even like to underdress. It feels like a lie, feels like a distraction, feels like the music renders such things un neccesary and superficial. Playing the trumpet in a dress or even just panties under my jeans doesn't feel like who I am.

Now here's the wild part. I used to play the trombone (slide) as well and a long time ago was pretty good. A year ago I bought a trombone and began to practice it sporadically. I still don't play it in any bands. But I find that I really like to play the trombone while dressed. And it does feel like who I am.

It's really intriguing. Trumpet and trombone are very similar in some ways, and very different in others. Trumpet is far more agressive, and in jazz with horns it's the leader. In a big band the lead trumpet is 2nd only in importance to the drums. The trombone is more of a supportive instrument. Trumpet get melody and bombs. Trombones get chord pads. Of course they get the melody sometimes and their share of solos. But not that many in bebop- the music was just too fast for most trombonists to be convincing on.

Who did I like on trumpet? Maynard, Louis, Dizzy. Folks who shouted here I am. I can't think of any female trumpet players at that level. Who did I like on bone? Tricky Sam Nanton, Lawrence Brown, Bill Harris. Mysterious or romantic, although they did their share of shouting too. Women trombonists- Melba Liston, Janice Robinson, Gunhild Carling. Maybe I've just listened to more good female bones.

Maybe because the bone is the 2nd instrument. Just like the girl clothes are the 2nd set of clothes. Maybe because it is the counterpoint to the trumpet, literally in a musical sense, and metaphorically in other ways. I have a different style on bone from the trumpet. The slide works just like the valves, but the instrument has a completely different persona. I don't know.

All I can say is my "girl", just as she likes to weed the garden and walk in the woods at night, likes to play the trombone. Of course my "boy" likes to walk in the woods at night and works in the garden too, and they both like the same music, just on different instruments.

Zari

[Lydia]

Hi Zari,

Everybody is different. I play the piano - primarily classical. My father wanted me to become a concert pianist, but I had neither the talent nor the drive. Gave up playing completely until after I retired.

Now I play just for myself - badly. But I find not only do I enjoy playing more when dressed, but I play with more feeling and emotion.

Actually, I play half as well as Horowitz - half my notes are the same as his.

Hugs,

Lydia

[Robyn Katie]

Hmm, Zari, interesting point.

I sing and play banjo, guitar and other (mostly) stringed instruments. I play rock-bottom traditional music, including mountain, cowboy, blues, rags and so on—what used to be called folk, but that term means something newer now.

Though now retired, I used to perform quite widely, but I never performed en femme. If I were still on the road, I might consider it, but it would be a wrench, as I would be changing a lot of people's perceptions of me forever. (That might still be worthwhile, but no question it would be hard to take that step.)

I have performed underdressed, feels fine. I wish I could dress as a woman all the time, public or private. I feel most at home in women's attire. It's who I am.

I love playing banjo and guitar dressed or not and wish I could've performed in public dressed. I prefer doing my music "en girl" because that seems more like the real me — I feel I reach a deeper, more expressive level.

I notice the difference most in singing. I'm almost afraid to let myself go to the femme extreme in singing, it's like looking over a cliff ... I don't mean trying to sing soprano or something, but matters of intonation and expression are potentially a lot different! When I try it, I find I'm a really different singer as a female, and may well be even more different than I'm ready for. That is a deep, dark mystery still, and I've only barely looked into it.

But as you know, you and I differ in that respect. For me women's clothing is an expression of my deeper self; and I consider my female self the central one, while you definitely don't. So we're kinda at the opposite ends of the spectrum there.

Wow that's interesting about the difference you feel between trumpet and trombone. Neither seems especially femme in shape, material or sound, though I've seen women play both and do it well.

(Some people might regard the strings and woodwinds as more feminine than the brasses, percussion etc., but I think that's more of a cliche than real ... think of all the women drummers out there, for one thing. Anyway I don't think I have an opinion about that.)

I do also play harmonica and I don't feel very femme somehow when doing that. The act of blowing hard, choking the harp, etc. somehow are pretty darn masculine in feeling, at least for me. (Funny, I'm not sure I've ever seen a woman mouth harp player, wonder why? Surely there must be some.) So maybe my feeling about harmonica equals yours about the trumpet ...

Fascinating topic. (Excuse us, all you non-musicians.) This week I've been thinking a lot about feelings, learning to feel more womanly in the details of daily life, etc. So this fits right in.

[DonnaT]

I also play the harmonica (diatonic, tremelo and chromatic), and there are a few videos on youtube of women harmonica players, if interested. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAC8MDrjbqM

But I reckon we have the cowboy or blues player images to fault for the idea that women don't seem to play it.

A video of boys and girls learning the blues in school in Lima, Ohio http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9d2JqX3gmw

[Absaroka]

There were lots of women who sang the blues. In fact what are usually considered to be the two best blues singers were women, Bessie Smith and Billie Holiday. And the best white blues singer also, Janis Joplin. (Disclainer-best is a matter of opinion. But that's what the music critic folks say) In spite of the fact that blues often appeals to men because of it's macho agressiveness.

I think it was Bette Midler in the Rose, probably quoting someone, who said "Why do I sing the blues? Because I was born a woman"

Thinking about what I wrote, I keep coming back to trumpets get bombs and trombones get chord pads. But I'm sure there's something else going on, maybe the fact that I'm currently a beginner again on the trombone. And my girl is just in her beginnings in some strange non gender way.

Zari

[Elizabeth]

Hi Zari,

The opposite is true for me. Of course my disposition is admittedly different than yours, in that I believe myself to be a woman. But having said that, playing my guitar dressed has always been one of the most fulfilling endeavors of my life. I guess there is an argument that there is women's music and men's music, but I personally don't buy it. I think it's more of a cultural thing, what one is exposed to.

Love always,
Elizabeth