It's been about 4 months since I found out about my H. It has been a rollercoaster with things getting a little easier each day. There are days I still feel I"m trying to drag a screaming kid out of a toy store, but mostly things are under control.
I've been struggling when trying to find the positive side of his CD. He often asks me if I'm gaining anything from it. No trouble finding the negative though. The other day the thought crossed my mind that maybe my H is with me because I'm not a girly girl. I don't wear makeup or dress up and all of my friends are guys. I hate when I have feelings like this because I know my H loves me. But, it is hard to not feel this way sometimes. So, I found myself wearing make up more and trying to look good. It often feels I am the one compromising all of the time and changing who I am to make things more comfortable.
This leads me to something else. My H has been talking a lot about how he wants to take hormones just for the subtle changes. I told him that is something I will NEVER be comfortable with as the changes can be permanent even after going off of them. He said that he was glad I've been having an open mind up until now and that he didn't want me to say NEVER about anything. He said that me telling him I'm not comfortable with it doesn't make his desire go away. I felt terrible, like he will always be in charge in the end. The next morning he said he realized that he has not been compromising and I had been doing all of the changing. He said he would make a greater effort to comprise.
No Renee, it is not easy! However you both seem to grasp the very important aspect of communicating with each other.
As you are aware, some of our sisters here have been dealing with this "gift" in their relationship for 20 - 30 - 40 years and as can be expected, some of the GG's even with that much "experience" never seem to quite get their minds around us. Some seem to ignore it, others just seem to accept it as in that that is the way things are and they deal with it and live their lives. Yet others relish it as in accepting this "other woman" as the sister they never had or a real close girlfriend to do what girls do together.
I will not even hazard a guess as to where your relationship is going but I will say that I hope my sisters and I can help you and your H on your own "Magical Mystery Tour."
Please continue to share with us and hopefully you will see some alternatives and you can pick and choose those that will help you on this trip around the sun!
Love,
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
Renee my wife is not a girly girl and if she was I doubt I'd have married her. When we were younger we did lots of camping and hiking (sleeping on the ground in the mud...) For me to say she's a bit of a tomboy is high praise.
Anyway, presumably your husband loves you for who you are. And if who you are is a non "girly girl" and that's who you are and who he loves, well what's the problem?
As for hormones, they are a far different thing than crossdressing. I think for you to be very concerned is completely reasonable. In the end of course he must be who he is, but you married a man, and hormones will impact that. So don't let him saddle you with labels like "closeminded" when you react to something that really is a big deal.
How would he react to your taking male hormones?
Zari
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
yeah I agree. I mean crossdressing, being a transvestite and then taking hormones or being transgendered is a whole new thing.
I mean clothes are just clothes and being rather androgynous but yeah if you are heterosexual then i think him taking hormones is asking alot of you.
i don't think you are closeminded if you don't mind his Cding but people react to hormones differently. It will be hard to get the right dose for subtle changes. In fact they could be radical and permenant depending on the way his body reacts. so yeah I don't think you are being close minded by wanting him to be the sexual body of the sex you find attractive. maybe you should talk to him about it.
I don't know much about hormones but I know enough to know that they go way beyond cross dressing. Telling you they are "just for subtle changes" leaves me to believe he is downplaying his true intentions. I don't want to scare you here but you should know what the outcome could be even if he doesn't and you have every right to be concerned. And don't think for one minute that you are being unreasonable, hormones are NOT a compromise. Maybe you should be considering seeing someone with expertise in this field.
Just from one SO's perspective, I completely agree with the others--crossdressing is one thing, but taking hormones is a totally different thing. It sounds to me like your H might be transgendered and not just into crossdressing (been there, done that--I've been with my DH for 6 years and found out about his crossdressing early on and he admitted later that he is transgendered).
Four months isn't nearly enough time for you to completely process what's been going on and deal with it, IMO. I can understand why you feel the way you feel. As Virginia said, everyone deals with this in different ways and you'll have to sort things out one way or another.
In my experience it's kind of a roller coaster--sometimes I feel lucky to have a husband who likes going to the MAC counter with me and I get into his crossdressing, but then there are times that it's really frustrating (like, how are we going to explain this to our son someday?). What helps is getting things out in the open and not keeping them bottled up, but also being respectful of the other person's feelings, which is what it sounds like you're doing.
I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy for us GGs to understand, but the fact you're here and trying to is a big deal.
Gardenia_SO wrote:... What helps is getting things out in the open and not keeping them bottled up, but also being respectful of the other person's feelings, which is what it sounds like you're doing.
Gardenia I so agree with this not only related to CDing but relationships in general. Communication is so important and it has to come from both sides which it looks like Renee's hubby is starting to open up more on his CDing.
Renee I hope it continues to go better for the both of you.
Site Administrator
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
First, there is nothing subtle about hormones. It's a very dramatic step and one that should only be taken by those who are having serious issues with gender identity. It's not something to toy around with and give it a whirl to see if it's right for you. This is something one needs to be certain about before hand.
It's a commitment to changing one's body to match one's mind. Just the suppression of testosterone, not to mention the estrogen and progesterone, causes dramatic changes. Serious loss of sex drive, body hair other than face becomes finer and less. Balding can be stopped and to a small degree reversed.
This it not to mention the hormones themselves that will cause breast growth, change of body odor, change of skin texture and nail thickness, loss of upper body strength, redistribution of fat from belly to hips and buttocks, shrinking of testicles and loss of function(including sterilization, not to mention the risks of cardio-vascular problems caused by female hormones.
This type of goal means one really needs to see a gender therapist. This is not a subtle change. It's the difference between looking like one's birth gender or one's target gender. Only if your spouse wants to change genders should they be considering hormones. This is no half measure. This is not like makeup, it can have lasting and permanent changes to one's body, including one's health.
If your spouse is headed in this direction, she needs to be honest with herself and not say things like she would like hormones for the subtle effects. She needs to educate herself about when it's appropriate and what are the dangers of taking hormones. This is way beyond what I would consider crossdressing. Not that I am an authority, I am not. I am just saying that this is really serious and should be treated accordingly.
Russian-Roulette may be fun and exciting, but the risk is so high, very few are willing to play. The reward is not justified by the potential loss. While using hormones is not quite the same, it is also not without serious risks that can reduce life expectancy.
And my last point here is that when compromising, one has to be careful not to compromise something they can not compromise. If a person really needs to crossdress, asking them to compromise this will only lead to broken promises. The same is true about hormones and even transition, if one needs to do these things, they are not something one can compromise. Delay perhaps, but only for a limited period of time.
So I don't see compromise as the end all for everyone. For transsexuals or even transgenders who wish to live in the female role, what can be compromised is vastly different than what can be compromised by a crossdresser. You need to find out where your spouse is, with regard to "the gift", and then get on the appropriate path. There is a difference between wanting to dress as a female and wanting to be a female. Relationships with spouses are vastly different in these two situations.
I see taking hormones as one of those issues where the two of you can't compromise. It's as yes-no as deciding to have children. It's not a crossdressing issue, as others have pointed out.
Last edited by Anita on Sat Apr 17, 2010 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You might show him this thread as backup for the idea that hormones are a big deal.
I suppose it's possible he thinks he's talking about something equivalent to some bogus herbal concoction alleged to stimulate breast growth, but the truth is that any thing strong enough to bring about even subtle changes is about as subtle as a bomb going off inside your body.
Ask him if he'd like to have your period for you.
Zari
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
I didn't think I was overreacting or being too cautious. I do worry about what will happen in the future when it comes to this issue though. I love my H so much and can't imagine my life without him, but worry about how this will effect our relationship. I am so fearful that his CD will progress beyond what I am comfortable with. I don't want my H to be unhappy but at the same time I don't want to be unhappy either.
We had another talk last night about it. I told him flat out I'm scared. I am so scared of losing him, he is my world. He understands my concerns and the risks that go along with hormones but doesn't seem to be bothered by it. In the end he wants to be able to pass and feels hormones will make it easier to pass. (I think he just needs to be patient and give the process of transforming into a woman a little more time. Each time he does his makeup it gets a little better and each time he shaves the forest of hair he has it gets a little easier.) I've stressed I'm not comfortable with steps like that which are permanent. Like he said before though, me disliking something doesn't makes his desires to do something go away. Anytime we discuss it I end up crying because I am so unsure of what will happen. I HATE crying about it all the time. He says he hates to see me cry knowing he is the reason for it. I have never doubted his love for me and know he feels the same way. He said last night that losing me is the last thing he wants and I come first, not CD.
Elizabeth said that
one has to be careful not to compromise something they can not compromise
and that is what I feel is going to happen eventually. One of us will be hurt when the other can no longer compromise.
I'm exhausted from focusing on the negative because it only makes me worry more and I've realized I have a lot to be grateful about. My H and I talk every night, answering each others questions and with things out in the open it makes it easier. He has been amazing when it comes to taking things slowly and making sure I'm not uncomfortable. Now that his CD is out in the open I have seen a significant change in my H mood. He is much happier in general and things are great between us. This experience has opened my mind when it comes to a lot of things. My goal is to be more positive and optimistic about his CD instead of always thinking about the negative side.[/b]
I think you will notice that my sisters here sort of "dance" around "the future." Hopefully that will continue. We are, shall I say, non=professional experts in this are and I know that those of us who have responded to your thread are all mostly on different paths and each accepts our "gift" in our own way. We can give you options and suggestions and even ask some personal questions only because many of us have the "been there done that" experience.
I will recommend that your hubby back it down a couple of gears right now! We all (well most of us) want to pass when we go out amongst "the great unwashed." Very few of us accomplish that the first few times. Again, not knowing you or your situation, you may want to consider something like laser hair removal or electrolysis as a start before even considering hormones. That alone can enlighten many to what else may be in store down the road.
Hope you will continue to share with us.
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
Renee N (SO) wrote:... I'm exhausted from focusing on the negative because it only makes me worry more and I've realized I have a lot to be grateful about. ..... My goal is to be more positive and optimistic about his CD instead of always thinking about the negative side.[/b]
Renee, I am glad you can work past the negative and work on the positive. This is something I think my wife could not do. She had refused to talk about my CDing and many other issues in our marriage. I am glad the two of you can talk about this. Keep up the communication.
Good Luck.
kimberlys cd
joe in a skirt
Site Administrator
I am a physically male person that likes to wear feminine clothes at times.
Just trying keep a balance for my self along with keeping my wife and kids in mind.
I just want to clarify something here. When I say not to compromise something one can not compromise, I don't mean "do not compromise". I mean don't compromise something you can't come through with. On these items one can compromise with tradeoffs. Ok, you hate my crossdressing, which I must do, but I hate _____________. So you can do/have __________ in exchange.
Its a different kind of compromise, but it can leave each person feeling empowered and at the same time, not force each other into making promises that can not be kept. That also applies to SO's. Don't say you're cool with crossdressing if you not. Doesn't mean it has to be banned, but just because it's not banned doesn't mean one has to be ok with it either.
Sometimes it just takes time. Don't ever let yourself feel like you can't compromise. Just don't compromise what you can't because it leads to broken promises that are confused for lies. Both persons need to be patient with each other. It takes time to adapt.
I think your husband is still in the candy store and hasn't found a piece sweet enough yet.
I know a number of CDs who'd like to do things to pass better, like take hormones and grow breasts. But they've either realized that it ain't gonna happen, ain't worth it, or was just a part of being in a pink fog. Through forums like this, on their own or after seeing a therapist.
Ask him to see a therapist, one who will see you too. Your presence will keep your husband honest about the reason why he wants hormones. A good therapist isn't going to prescribe hormones "just so one can pass better."
Wanting hormones to "pass better" isn't a good enough reason to take them. I know gals that have been on hormones for years, and still don't pass.
Eventually, if they are transsexual, they decide on facial surgery to pass better. Breast augmentation, etc. And even these surgeries don't help a number of them pass.
As Virginia noted, hair removal, if he has a dark 5 O'clock shadow, might be a good compromise. If he shaves daily and you like his clean shaven face.
It's mostly permanent if done right. Takes a couple of years though. And can be expensive.
Passing, however, is subjective. One needs to NOT worry about passing. In my opinion.
I don't pass. Don't care. What others think isn't my problem. I accept myself for who I am, and for all the limitations that go with it.
