How to handle a delicate situation

[Eureka]

So I got home from a trip to WI earlier this week and found that nearly all my clothes, hidden from view in a private storage unit of my room, were gone, taken. Can you believe it? I rent out a room in my mom's house and she doesn't know about my dressing, not openly at least. If I bring it up to her, she'd not only deny it, she'd try to use it against me and likely kick me out. So what should I do? Should I just accept it? Call her out on it? I need some help here girls.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Eureka,

What you should do depends on what you hope to accomplish. You say you are renting out a room, which leads me to believe you must be an adult. As an adult, renting a room, you have a right to privacy of the space rented, with certain legal restrictions for inspection of premises.

Having said that, you probably know the situation with your mom. I mean, she can always kick you out and even disown you. It has been known to happen. If you have no where to go, you may have to put up with her rules, in her house.

If on the other hand you are not in jeopardy of being thrown out and just want to know what is right. You clearly have a right to not have your things thrown out. Sometimes our loved ones in an effort to deny things, make up little stories to explain things. Perhaps she told herself that it was clothing of girls you have known or spent time with and she was just doing you a favor by throwing them out?

If you mom is a reasonable person talk to her, if not keep quiet until you can have your own place. My own experience has taught me that there is no way to know what to expect from people when they find out about someone being transgender in any way. Some take it great, others not so much, but predicting which will be which has been impossible.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Robyn Katie]

Hi Eureka,

My heart goes out to you, how betrayed and wronged you must feel!

I can only second what Elizabeth said, it's right on target. You don't want to create an impossible situation with your mom. Would she go off the rails if you even raise it? Or do you think she might be willing to at least talk about it?

Of course just raising it with her will unavoidably broach the subject of your CDing, and maybe you will feel you can't risk that.

I hope for your sake you can resolve this so you know what really happened, and if possible why.

Do let us know what happens. I'm sure we can all imagine the same thing happening to ourselves and how devastating it would be.

Love, Robyn Katie

[Michelle Miller]

You could 'skirt around the issue' (pun intended) by asking non-specific, non threatening questions...."Mom? Has anyone been in my personal space/room/apartment/etc.? I could have sworn I was missing a few things."

Or just go throw out everything she owns as well, if it comes down to the 'that's immoral!/you're going to hell!/wrong!' argument and then move out. lol

[DonnaT]

If she'd really kick you out, then its something you'll have to try and ignore.

Buy a strong lock to keep your remaining and newly acquired items safe.

If she can be talked to, then now's the time to talk about everything.

[CJ]

Eureka,

I talked this one over with Roxanne, my SO, and we both agree: regardless of whether or not you pay rent in your mother's house, she had no business going in your room to snoop around in there. It's a matter of simple respect for your privacy. The fact that this was done by your mother is irrelevant. You ought not to accept this kind of behaviour from anyone.

Think about it. If the roles were reversed (as often happens later in life) and your mother was the one living in a room in your own house (regardless of whether or not she paid you any rent), she'd probably not be too happy if she discovered that you had gone into her room and discarded some of her belongings while her back was turned. It's just not something that's done.

My gut says: call her out on it; ask her to explain herself. That's what my gut says. My head, on the other hand, says: Eureka ought to call her mother out on it only if she, Eureka, is prepared to accept the possible consequences of doing so, two of which are an effective coming out of the closet and a possible rupture (however temporary) with the maternal unit.

You know what I'm about to say, Eureka. You're young and you have the road that is your life still before you, to be explored; don't waste too many years cowering in the darkness. It's when we cower in the darkness that we feel the need to establish for ourselves secret places, "hidden from view in private storage spaces." Such places are always at risk of being discovered (unless, of course, you live alone, totally cut off from all other human beings). And that's just talking about a stash of "gender-inappropriate" clothing. Imagine when such a secret place is actually inside of you, in the depths of your being. How long can hide in there before you go bonkers?

This week--Mental Health Week--I saw an ad for the promotion of mental health that carried the slogan: "Difference Is Not A Disease." What can more probably be considered a disease is this urge that some people have to try to control the lives of others, disrespecting--and discriminating against--them in the process. Never allow yourself to submit to this, Eureka... blood ties or no. Again, Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Your mother was wrong to do what she did. If you're willing to pay the price to set things aright, you might come to see this situation as a watershed moment wherein the initial costs of confronting your mother on this issue (i.e., the immediate consequences) were well worth the emotional dividends you'll reap not that much later in your life. In fact, it's a golden opportunity, I'd say.

Having said all this, have you checked the shelves in the laundry room?

Seriously, Eureka, I wish you well in whatever path you choose. I hope things turn out well for both you and your mother.

Love,
CJ

[Eureka]

Well I found my clothes in garbage bags around two weeks after the incident, she was going to give them to goodwill. For the time being, she hasn't said a word, nor has she shown any sign of well, anything. I've also decided to move out by September, the plan is to either move to Tacoma, or mover down with my sister in Las Vegas. Housing is cheaper than up here and I can get my old job back there. Along with moving, I've decided that with the summer boost in pay I'll be seeing the doctor and getting started on HRT! So hopefully i won't have another issue like this come along before that to impede or advance my plans.

[NieA]

well good luck moving out eureka.

my mom used to be emm in a state where she jsut cant accept it and thought i was out of my mind literally. but nowadays shes learned to somehow and is cool about it, she even buys me makeup or gives me her own hohohoho. so, I guess what im saying is its possible that things can improve from a very bad to an ok.

well good luck

[Absaroka]

Eureka if you are going to start HRT there is a lot more than crossdressing going on. It's been a while since you posted much and perhaps I've forgotten what you had posted. But this is a very big step. You may be on your way to a different physical gender, perhaps to match your internal one. I don't know, since I don't really know you at all.

As a parent however I can definitively say that having a child who want's a different gender is a VERY BIG DEAL. No matter how much you love and accept them it would take a long time to wrap your mind around this. If your mom has had inklings of this, perhaps she is just in denial of it all, perhaps desperately so.

Some of us do this for fun, or sex. My sex life was none of my mom's business, except for the fact that she needed to know that she was a biological grandmother. But a change of gender, which is what HRT is about, is something that parents and other loved ones need to know about and will likely need help in addressing. Writing them out of it is a last resort which is sometimes neccesary, but it's a real doomsday scenario in terms of the family structure.

There are a number of people here who have transitioned or are transitioning. Kimberly Kael and Carolynn come immediately to mind as people you might want to talk to privately and at length about this. And of course in such a signifigant step you need to be involved with f2f guidance. The doctor who starts HRT can be a source for this, and if they are not, and willing to just prescribe HRT without any follow up or the like, please steer well clear of them. HRT is physically dangerous if not done properly and carefully.

Good luck on your journey. It will be a fascinating one and I hope you'll keep us informed.

Zari

[Eureka]

Thanks for the input Zari, luckily my sister and father know about my choice and support me. I'll definitely be looking into getting some help and further support, but my mother is just the type of person who would never accept such a thing, unfortunately. She's actually the type of person who threatened her own mother (my grandmother) to disown her if she went to my sister's wedding! I've actually spoken to several psychologists as well as my sister who, like me, was a psych major in college and the best diagnosis we can make is that she is a manic-depressive schizophrenic with one heck of a type-a personality. So...yeah...It's been a challenge living with her these last couple months.

[Absaroka]

Thanks for clarifying that Eureka. It certainly sheds light on the original question about her taking your stuff.

Although I made peace with my parents before they died there were a number of years where I had to learn not to expect entirely rational responses from them and to distance myself accordingly. It's good that you are able to relate with your father and sister.

Going to a dry well over and over is not a hallmark of sanity. Stick with where the water is drinkable, namely the sane members of your family.

Hang in there and I hope your living situation improves soon.

Zari

[Eureka]

I did nothing, I let it go, and guess what happen girls!
She did it again!
In the trash this time!
I found my things, saved them and they're under extreme security!