My Little Sister

[Carolynn]

Hi. I have a younger sister. We are 11 years apart in age, and that is for real, as we were born on the same day of the month of December. We have told people several times we were twins, just that my Mom kept her back until she could deal with raising her. LOL It has been a source of wonder and close feelings for us, as we celebrated our birthdays together, and they seemed to mean a bit more because of it.

Well, May 28th, we learned she has inoperable liver cancer. I maintained my "stiff upper lip" while talking to her about it, but once alone, I have cried a river of tears, and I am afraid I have more to go.

Her oncologist thinks she will live about a year if no way is found to treat the cancer. She is supposed to see one of the top people in liver problems at a teaching hospital in Oklahoma City to see if there are any alternatives, chemo, radiation or whatever, that might keep her functional with a quality of life for awhile longer. Otherwise, her oncologist says she has about, maybe, 6 months of sorta feeling ok, followed by a gradual decline to a hospice situation and then death. So we are all hoping for the specialist to pull a rabbit out of his stethescope, but I fear that is not going to happen.

Thing is, I have been at the bedside for various lengths of time for too many of my loved ones final moments, and I am just not sure I can handle this one, I fear I will not have the resiliancy, as the thought of not having her in my life is sooo painful. NEVER in my thoughts about the future did I consider that it would be me that might have to bury my younger sister rather than the reverse, in the fullness of time. Frankly, that sucks.

At the same time, I realized that there were several times when I came close to bringing this pain to others when I actually did more than simply consider suicide to try to solve the conflict between the gender of my mind/self vs. the sociological gender I was forced to live within. So now, I guess the shoe is on the other foot. And I am so glad on the one hand that I did not bring that pain to my family.

I just wanted to share this to encourage you all to cherish the time you have with those you care for, even if there are tough times in your relationships. Death ends all chances at a future, and does come to all whether we like it or not, and after death happens, then our chances to heal any past rifts are long gone.

Over the next year, or if we are lucky 2 or even 3 years, if I sometimes seem a bit short or impatient in a post, please do not take it amiss, as I may be a bit stressed and emotional as she becomes more ill. I will try to watch what I write as well, give it a cooling off period before posting.

Just, as I said, I hope you can all reach out to your loved ones and work with them to keep your relationships loving.

Carolynn

[Virginia]

Carolynn,

I am so sorry to hear about your twin sister. I know, I know, but that is so cute how you carry that with you. Hard to forget her birthday.

Words sorta of fail me at this time, I wish I had that magic. I know you will make the best out of the time that you two have together. Please keep us posted and you know you have many shoulders here to cry on, so don't hold back.

We love you!

Virginia

[Leeza]

Carolynn,

I am so sorry to hear about your twin.

I would say make the most of the time you have left together, but I know you will do that.

If you need a shoulder, you know we are here. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Leeza

[Anita]

Carolynn--
That is so hard to hear about. I have not dealt with this in my own life; all my loved ones have gone quickly

Virginia wrote:

I know you will make the best out of the time that you two have together

This is true in my own experience. When I was being treated for cancer, it made a difference in how people dealt with me. They knew time was limited.

I hope we here on the forum can be some support during the next year.

[DonnaT]

My condolences, Carolynn. I'll pray for your sister.

[Carol Ann]

Carolynn,
Sweetheart I know and feel your pain as I lost my younger brother a few months ago.
I too can share your pain as like you I watch my wife of 46 years slowly going down from cancer, so sweetheart you are not alone as we are both walking down the same path in life.

Keep that stiff upper lip even though it doesn't help down deep and everyday give thanks for another day.
Hugs

[Absaroka]

Carolynn I am really sorry to hear about your sister.

I also really appreciate what you said about this making you think about how wrong it would be to voluntarily inflict your own death on others. I very strongly agree with what you said.

I hope the next year or so will be a gift to you both. My heart goes out to you.

Zari

[Robyn Katie]

Oh Carolynn,

For so long in your posts you have been the source for so much strength, intelligence and compassion (as well as pertinent information and a point of view I've personally cherished), I've come to feel deep respect and a bond of friendship with you. I only hope we, all of us, can somehow give as much back to you in this difficult time.

Words are pretty inadequate. But I hope you know I will be thinking of you and sending you heartfelt support, freedom from pain as much as can be, and best wishes for the best possible outcome for you and your sister. Big hugs for a very special two,

Love, Robyn Katie

[Carolynn]

My thanks to you all for your kind words and sympathy. This thing has really hit me hard, and is difficult to deal with. Carol Ann, I am sorry to hear about your brother, and about your wife's continuing battle. I have sorta realized that part of the price of living to grow older, is to see the deaths of those you care for. I think it is the "nothing more to do but give loving support" that is the most difficult.

I have been at the side of three aunts, a grandfather and grandmother, and a dear friend who died from lingering illnesses or effects of stroke and unconscious.

I was with my only surviving uncle when he collapsed and died of a sudden, massive heart attack, and nothing I could do or could have done would reverse it.

Three cousins who died from cancer died realtively quick deaths, as the chemo that was supposed to help them killed them, but one other 5 years older than I went through the debilitation, and it was hard to see such a vital man shrink to being unable to use the bathroom by himself.

My father died of a heart attack in his sleep in 1999, after living with diabetes for 28 years. Before that, I caught that he was having a stroke or blood clot in his brain and got the emergency help he needed so that it could be reversed. I recognized his spatial disorientation that others of my family went through with a stroke.

Then a year later, I realized he was having intestinal blockage and my sister and I got him to the nearest hospital before it went gangrene (well he did lose 8 inches of intestine).

My mother is blind, has some dementia, is hard of hearing, and her quality of life seems to depends on me being with her. The rest of the time, she just dozes and sleeps her life away. She had a mild heart attack 4 years ago and needed a stent put into her heart, and she still lives.

My sister has been ill for several years now, and she is a rare visitor to Mom as are her kids, so I am the main person who sees to my mother. I can kinda understand and deal with the deaths from disease of those that are older than I, after all none of us get out of this life alive. But she is the younger by 11 years, and that makes this one harder.

I guess I am just tired of seeing this over and over and over.

I know, nothing anyone can do, but I just have to vent right now,

Love to all,
Carolynn[/code]

[Mány B]

Dear Carolynn,

As well as the other members, I would like to present you my feelings of empathy. I really appreciated that even in this difficult situation you still think of giving your fellow members advice, remembering us that life is short , volatile and unpredictable.
Thank you for this advice and I wish with all my hearth that nature may grant you many more long and intense moment together.

[Robyn Katie]

Dear Carolynn,

You're carrying such an extreme load of cumulative grief and exhaustion, of course you need to vent. Please feel we can be your listening post, and know we will always be here for you.

Please do be aware that you may be more stressed than you even realize, as I have cause to know from a number of bereavements in my family over the recent past. Try to remember to take care of yourself, rest, recuperate, and give yourself your love and care as well as your sister.

My wife's and my hearts are with you and her, and we are thinking of you both.

Love, Robyn Katie

[Leeza]

Carolynn wrote,

I know, nothing anyone can do, but I just have to vent right now,

We can be here for you and listen to you vent. We all need to vent at times to get things out of our system. and right now you need that.

Leeza