A journey...

[Andrea Elise]

Hi to all!

My first memory of femaleness occured at a very young age. I remember I was supposed to be taking a nap. In the closet hung my sisters peach chiffon dress and all I could think of was wanting to wear that dress! Ruffled shoulders and skirt, soft and pretty.

So I did. I got back under the covers and in comes my mother to check on me.

Not understanding that I needed to hide what I was wearing, I did not completely cover up. Mother looked at me and said "You take that off and get to sleep!"

I did as she ordered and no further mention of the incident was ever made. Maybe I was four or so. I don't remeber an exact age, but I do know it was several years before I entered kidergarten. I knew nothing about sex. I only knew that I wanted to dress as a girl.

Every time I was exposed to female clothing I experienced a very strong desire to be in it! Progressing to my grandmothers closet and a wonderful selection of dresses and long line foundations that I adore to this day!

I dreamt of that closet!

If I do not dress as I please, I get very depressed...suicidal and self destructive.

I continued for years. My mother would locate my stash of clothes and remove it. I am sure she threw it all away. There were more incidents as I was growing up. Makeup not entirely removed. Forgotten clip on earings, necklaces. It was all swept "under the rug" and ignored, never discussed, leaving me alone inside of my own head, feeling sick and perverted.

If I repress her, she enters my dreams. The dreams are of shoes and dresses, of being dressed as I wish and of being accepted.

I rationalized all of it by creating a duality in my mind. I just knew I had a split personality! How could it be anything but! I refused to accept that it ALL was just ME!

"I" was normal! "SHE" was the sick and twisted "Ice Queen!" My family being religious in the extreme, I was sure "SHE" was my ticket straight to hell. Why wouldn't "SHE" just go away and leave me alone?

Now, this being about beginning, that real beginning was about three months ago. After nearly having a nervous breakdown. After crying night after night in sleepless agony. After six years of total denial. The only solution to my pain was death.

One night I realized that there was only one thing that gave me comfort and peace. So, I did that. In doing so, I realized that there was no "duality"! That I was not sick or perverted! That it was me. Who I really was.

Then, I began to research on the web. I learned I was not alone. I learned that there is help. I learned that I was O.K.

I still cry a lot. I still wonder why. I am learning not to hate myself.

Now I am awake. I feel so much better than I ever have.

Love to all!

Andrea

[Sylvia H]

Ooooh sounds like me a few years ago. You arent nuts by any means though it can feel that way sometimes. There is as you have discovered a learning curve, where the intellect and the emotions argue with each other.
It doesn't have to stay that way. Finding a support group in your area could help considerably.

xox
Sylvia

[Absaroka]

Welcome Andrea

That's a very painful journey. Welcome home.

There are people here of a variety of ways of thinking about this. The key is that we accept who we are.

Zari

[Andrea Elise]

Ooooh sounds like me a few years ago. You arent nuts by any means though it can feel that way sometimes. There is as you have discovered a learning curve, where the intellect and the emotions argue with each other.
It doesn't have to stay that way. Finding a support group in your area could help considerably.

xox
Sylvia

I have looked for something, a support group, anything, in this area where I live and there seems to be nothing.
This is a back water of tightly closed minds and ancient morality. Full of those who's lives are filled with hard work and upright thoughts of an afterlife in which they will find their joy.
Mind you, that is not such a bad thing if a person has no thoughts that reach hardly further than the next meal.
Thank you for your reply and advice, I continue to look for support here. I have "outed" myself, with deep and vast fear of rejection, to my SO and found, instead, total acceptance and support from her. Another post, which may turn into a book of sorts.
With love,
Andrea

[Andrea Elise]

Welcome Andrea

That's a very painful journey. Welcome home.

There are people here of a variety of ways of thinking about this. The key is that we accept who we are.

Zari

Thank you, Zari!
Here in my house, I am thought of and spoken of, as thouh we are separate, Andrea and I.
I know we are not separate. "WE" are "I", but it is confusing for the lady in my life. She can't find any other way to deal with me in the context of "Andrea" and what she has called me before I finally came out and said what it was that was causing so much trouble, not only for me, but for our relationship.
Sometimes, even I find it more convenient to speak of Andrea as though she was another person. The reality is much different.

Thank you!

Andrea

[Absaroka]

Hi Andrea Elise

It's funny, I used the name Andrea also when I first came here. I changed it to Absaroka (Zari is the diminutive) after a while for a number of reasons, one being that it was a unisex name.

Although we typically don't have clinically dual personalities (disociative identity disorder) many of us do feel as if there is more than one person inside us. For myself, they are all one person. However sometimes it's convenient to differentiate our male and female personas and I do that sometimes.

Your fortunate in being able to talk about this with your SO. Not all of us can. Sometimes we have trouble understanding why this is difficult for our SOs however I like the analogy of how would we feel if suddenly they decided to grow a beard and have a masectomy. I gentler way of putting it is that this is so important to us, therefore it is reasonable that it would also be important to others.

You'll read a lot here about people out and about en femme. However not everyone lives in the same place and if you feel uncomfortable exposing this part of the you to others, respect those feelings. After all once you do something, you can't undo it.

Hoping these forums bring you some peace. They sure were helpful to me.

Zari

[Lacy Mitchell]

andrea I think its amazing how many of our stories from our youth are almost the same the overwhelming desire for objects ( clothes shoes make up jewelry) that belong to gg. i to started wanting and wearing girly things before i started school. i have always thought i was born this way.