60 + years is a long while to hide something. I have hidden my self very well.
Now, that I am "out" to my SO, I am still trying to hide!
Afraid she will think I am icky or ugly or weird or every other bad thing under the sun.
She says I am none of the above, that she loves me and does not care!
I just can't seem to break throught the mental barrier that I have so carefully constructed. I need to do this. When she and I are together, I am, at times, just desperate to be comfortable. And I just can not.
Is cowering in the back of the closet something I am just so comfortable with that I can't ever break free of it? Or some kind of baby steps to rip myself out of this awful place I have made in my mind?
I don't get this confused and I am giving myself anxiety attacks over it. I feel so stupid!
Andrea
Still scared, freaked out, wanting to hide...for no reason.
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Andrea Elise
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 207
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2010 6:23 pm
Still scared, freaked out, wanting to hide...for no reason.
And it feels like me...On a good day
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Susan
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 1439
- Joined: Tue Feb 28, 2006 5:58 am
- Location: Liverpool, UK
- Contact:
Andrea
To me - I am not a psychiatrist - it seems you have spent all that time building walls and its now a firmly entrenched habit with you.
Look out over the top of your trench. It really is quite nice out here. We can and do put up with a lot from those we love - perhaps that is another definition of love. What do I know - I am a Techy - happier working with machines.
Not really, I do like meeting and talking to people too.
Best wishes
To me - I am not a psychiatrist - it seems you have spent all that time building walls and its now a firmly entrenched habit with you.
Look out over the top of your trench. It really is quite nice out here. We can and do put up with a lot from those we love - perhaps that is another definition of love. What do I know - I am a Techy - happier working with machines.
Not really, I do like meeting and talking to people too.
Best wishes
Susan
I know some things.
I know some things.
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
I agree.
You've got a comfort zone, and stepping out of it frightens you. Probably similar to agoraphobia.
Seems you fear a loss of control, and panic once you leave the place of control and security.
Take things slow. One step at a time. Put on a skirt, sit on the bed, and mentally prepare yourself to go sit with your wife, or help her in the kitchen. Then push yourself up off the bed, step out of the bedroom and quickly (no hesitation) go join your wife. Hold her hand and relax, deep relaxing breaths.
If you don't last long, don't worry, you just need to build up a new comfort zone. One that includes your wife.
Next time, close the door behind you as you leave the bedroom.
Next time, close and lock the door behind you as you leave the bedroom.
If that doesn't help, I'll wave my fee
You've got a comfort zone, and stepping out of it frightens you. Probably similar to agoraphobia.
Seems you fear a loss of control, and panic once you leave the place of control and security.
Take things slow. One step at a time. Put on a skirt, sit on the bed, and mentally prepare yourself to go sit with your wife, or help her in the kitchen. Then push yourself up off the bed, step out of the bedroom and quickly (no hesitation) go join your wife. Hold her hand and relax, deep relaxing breaths.
If you don't last long, don't worry, you just need to build up a new comfort zone. One that includes your wife.
Next time, close the door behind you as you leave the bedroom.
Next time, close and lock the door behind you as you leave the bedroom.
If that doesn't help, I'll wave my fee
DonnaT
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Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3344
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:30 am
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Andrea Elise
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 207
- Joined: Mon May 31, 2010 6:23 pm
Thanks Susan. No psychiatry needed. I am looking for experinces from you all.
I felt so wonderful in coming out and to have complete acceptance was more than I hoped for.
Then to find I have become my own worst enemy, or jailer. After thinking about the situation and talking to my SO about it, yes, we did discuss the problem at length. In the final analyisis, it is all on me, my problem, not hers!
As Donna said, little steps. Forced if I must, to simply make it normal for me to not be so self critical.
I will get through this. Zari, Susan and Donna, thank you for your help. Your thoughts help me think!
Andrea
I felt so wonderful in coming out and to have complete acceptance was more than I hoped for.
Then to find I have become my own worst enemy, or jailer. After thinking about the situation and talking to my SO about it, yes, we did discuss the problem at length. In the final analyisis, it is all on me, my problem, not hers!
As Donna said, little steps. Forced if I must, to simply make it normal for me to not be so self critical.
I will get through this. Zari, Susan and Donna, thank you for your help. Your thoughts help me think!
Andrea
And it feels like me...On a good day
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Susan
- Permanently Banned
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- Location: Liverpool, UK
- Contact:
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JoAnnDallas
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 992
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- Location: Fairfax, VA
- Contact:
I remember way back when I came out to my wife. One Saturday, I decided to dress up and was sitting on the couch watching TV. My wife walks by and says "If your going shopping with me, then get your PURSE and lets go". As I rushed into the bedroom, grabbed my purse off the closet shelve, stuff my keys, billfold, and cell phone in it, it dawned on me that my wife really was not upset with me or mad at me, and was willing to be seen with me out in public with me dressed head to toe as a woman.
From that point own, I realized I could just drop all the baggage, fears, and hiding I had done for years and years.
Give it time and if you wife is really supportive then just go with the flow.
From that point own, I realized I could just drop all the baggage, fears, and hiding I had done for years and years.
Give it time and if you wife is really supportive then just go with the flow.
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Danielle La Belle
- Account Deactivated at Member's Request
- Posts: 994
- Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2003 9:49 am
- Location: SC
Hi Girls:
Taboo:
Main Entry:taboo
Variant:also ta£bu \t*-*b*, ta-\
Function:adjective
Etymology:Tongan tabu
Date:1777
1 : forbidden to profane use or contact because of what are held to be dangerous supernatural powers
2 a : banned on grounds of morality or taste *the subject is taboo* b : banned as constituting a risk *the area beyond is taboo, still alive with explosives — Robert Leckie*
Depending on your lifetime experiences, coupled with your early life experience and training (age 2-15), one can safely think that you are crossing the line (taboo), of your own thinking process.
When we do this, we knowingly try to bring ourselves back into line with our dominant thinking and beliefs. After a time, our brains seem to better adopt the concept that we reject at first, and form a new association with the changes that we are making to our external appearance.
We become "settled" or "comfortable" as we call the feeling. After all, feelings are the result of our mental beliefs.
HUgs
Daniielle Marie
Taboo:
Main Entry:taboo
Variant:also ta£bu \t*-*b*, ta-\
Function:adjective
Etymology:Tongan tabu
Date:1777
1 : forbidden to profane use or contact because of what are held to be dangerous supernatural powers
2 a : banned on grounds of morality or taste *the subject is taboo* b : banned as constituting a risk *the area beyond is taboo, still alive with explosives — Robert Leckie*
Depending on your lifetime experiences, coupled with your early life experience and training (age 2-15), one can safely think that you are crossing the line (taboo), of your own thinking process.
When we do this, we knowingly try to bring ourselves back into line with our dominant thinking and beliefs. After a time, our brains seem to better adopt the concept that we reject at first, and form a new association with the changes that we are making to our external appearance.
We become "settled" or "comfortable" as we call the feeling. After all, feelings are the result of our mental beliefs.
HUgs
Daniielle Marie
Make the most of every day!
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Laura Bird
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 50
- Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2009 4:34 pm
- Location: Chicago, IL
Not sure how "normal" it is... but I have the same issue, and I've been "out" to my wife for 2+ years now!
I usually work from home, and in the winter, usually dress every day. For a while she was home with me (job market really terrible here) and every day that I got up and got dressed before her, I'd always get a little tingle in my stomach when I'd hear her wake up later. I was afraid she'd wake up, walk down to my office, see me... and laugh, or get grossed out, or decide she really didn't accept it after all... any number of fears.
But each time, she didn't behave any differently. In fact she usually insisted I stand up and show her my outfit, and she would critique (she is big on me "doing it right"... if I'm going to dress, I'm going to dress appropriately, with a good sense of style... LOL.) From there, my butterflies were gone and things went on like normal, as if I was dressed in guy clothes.
I hope someday the initial butterflies will go away completely. For now I'm happy that they go away quickly
I usually work from home, and in the winter, usually dress every day. For a while she was home with me (job market really terrible here) and every day that I got up and got dressed before her, I'd always get a little tingle in my stomach when I'd hear her wake up later. I was afraid she'd wake up, walk down to my office, see me... and laugh, or get grossed out, or decide she really didn't accept it after all... any number of fears.
But each time, she didn't behave any differently. In fact she usually insisted I stand up and show her my outfit, and she would critique (she is big on me "doing it right"... if I'm going to dress, I'm going to dress appropriately, with a good sense of style... LOL.) From there, my butterflies were gone and things went on like normal, as if I was dressed in guy clothes.
I hope someday the initial butterflies will go away completely. For now I'm happy that they go away quickly
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Danielle La Belle
- Account Deactivated at Member's Request
- Posts: 994
- Joined: Sat Aug 09, 2003 9:49 am
- Location: SC
Hi Girls:
Think about it this way perhaps. You are on a diet. You have told everyone that you know, "I am on a diet." It is late at night. Everyone in the home is sleeping except you. You get up and go to the kitchen and think.
What can I eat as a snack and not break my diet?
Tada! A cookie! It is made from wheat, with egg and that is a good thing. Yes, I will have a cookie. Trouble is, you cannot just have one, you have (3) and then suddenly, bam! The mental alarm goes off and the feelings of guilt surround you!
You feel badly now, you broke your diet plan. Time to start over. But, wait! No one else knows but you! The next day, guilt comes around as family and friends applaud you for sticking to your diet not knowing about the cookie episode that you plan on keeping to yourself.
It goes away in time as it becomes less important to think about. But, still, those pangs of guilt show up a little when you think about it.
This is not a science-based answer here. No hippocampus correlation etc., but, it is perhaps similar in reaction. A twinge of discomfort because a "rule has been broken." We all get that twinge even when we dress enfem and then worry about those close to us and there thinking. Because they accept us one day, does that mean they will the next and the next? Hmmmm! The brain works overtime trying to adjust to the idea that we are never really going to be sure. My spouse just went 10 years (married 40 years) and then decided on the TG basis that she wants a divorce and she never saw me dressed enfem, only a couple of pictures in my office!
We were born this way. We have perhaps the wrong equipment as some see it. Others are okay with that as CD's and adjust to the idea. Some never have a problem with that. Some are always bothered by it in the TG community of variables.
Remember, bottom line here. You can change everyting about your appearance with surgery up to a point, but, you cannot erase your memory of days under the "blue" cap! They are with you till the end. Like it or not, you will always know that you had to have surgery to make things right. Bummer!
For the CD people, not caring about such things, you still know that you are crossing over a line that for the most part, was not meant to be crossed. Thus the social line that we are all painfully aware of. We can cross it, but we cannot seem to ever really complertely adapt to it. That comes from starting out as such and CD people do not fit that description. We will always know that we are "adpating" to a concept of appearance that is by and large, a foreign description of our counter physical, biological anatomy that does not conform to the base birth description and functionality.
I wrestle with that today. I did yesterday as well. I do not expect it to be gone any time soon. I ask myself, "how does a [GG] feel when she is crossdressed? Wearing a tie and white shirt and black slacks and shoes for a "Bistro" job? Or in a courtroom, wearing a pinstripe suit and tie! While yes, it is cut for a womans form, no less, she is dressing as a man. Why is "she" not bothered by this.
Answer: simple ...... she still sees herself as biological female and the outfit is just that .... an outfit. She is not trying to represent herself as a man. She is a woman, wearing an outfit that has been reserved for men until that past few years.
Women wear pants or jeans. They are crossdressed by social standards that we can apply. It was illegal in 32 states before 1932 to appear in public that way. While the law was not always invoked, it could be at any time that it was determined that the woman was trying to cause a social problem by doing so.
The law is still on the books in most states. We just do not invoke the law anymore. Do [GG]'s get a twinge when dressed this way. Of course not. They have been taught and accepted like this by society in general. Until men can wear a dress and not be thought of as 2nd class citizens, women in general will always be thought of as the same.
It is still considered being a "sissy," or demeaning to wear that dress and pose as a woman. Woman still are concerned about us doing so and showing up in the ladies bathroom. Let's be honest here. Our concern over our loved ones finding us unappealing is just the tip of the social rejection iceberg.
Bottom line: the mental mechanisim that makes us feel uncomfortable at times, is the same mechanisim that makes us feel unsure at times about "will we be accepted."
That is a tough nut to crack!
Hugs
Danielle Marie
Think about it this way perhaps. You are on a diet. You have told everyone that you know, "I am on a diet." It is late at night. Everyone in the home is sleeping except you. You get up and go to the kitchen and think.
What can I eat as a snack and not break my diet?
Tada! A cookie! It is made from wheat, with egg and that is a good thing. Yes, I will have a cookie. Trouble is, you cannot just have one, you have (3) and then suddenly, bam! The mental alarm goes off and the feelings of guilt surround you!
You feel badly now, you broke your diet plan. Time to start over. But, wait! No one else knows but you! The next day, guilt comes around as family and friends applaud you for sticking to your diet not knowing about the cookie episode that you plan on keeping to yourself.
It goes away in time as it becomes less important to think about. But, still, those pangs of guilt show up a little when you think about it.
This is not a science-based answer here. No hippocampus correlation etc., but, it is perhaps similar in reaction. A twinge of discomfort because a "rule has been broken." We all get that twinge even when we dress enfem and then worry about those close to us and there thinking. Because they accept us one day, does that mean they will the next and the next? Hmmmm! The brain works overtime trying to adjust to the idea that we are never really going to be sure. My spouse just went 10 years (married 40 years) and then decided on the TG basis that she wants a divorce and she never saw me dressed enfem, only a couple of pictures in my office!
We were born this way. We have perhaps the wrong equipment as some see it. Others are okay with that as CD's and adjust to the idea. Some never have a problem with that. Some are always bothered by it in the TG community of variables.
Remember, bottom line here. You can change everyting about your appearance with surgery up to a point, but, you cannot erase your memory of days under the "blue" cap! They are with you till the end. Like it or not, you will always know that you had to have surgery to make things right. Bummer!
For the CD people, not caring about such things, you still know that you are crossing over a line that for the most part, was not meant to be crossed. Thus the social line that we are all painfully aware of. We can cross it, but we cannot seem to ever really complertely adapt to it. That comes from starting out as such and CD people do not fit that description. We will always know that we are "adpating" to a concept of appearance that is by and large, a foreign description of our counter physical, biological anatomy that does not conform to the base birth description and functionality.
I wrestle with that today. I did yesterday as well. I do not expect it to be gone any time soon. I ask myself, "how does a [GG] feel when she is crossdressed? Wearing a tie and white shirt and black slacks and shoes for a "Bistro" job? Or in a courtroom, wearing a pinstripe suit and tie! While yes, it is cut for a womans form, no less, she is dressing as a man. Why is "she" not bothered by this.
Answer: simple ...... she still sees herself as biological female and the outfit is just that .... an outfit. She is not trying to represent herself as a man. She is a woman, wearing an outfit that has been reserved for men until that past few years.
Women wear pants or jeans. They are crossdressed by social standards that we can apply. It was illegal in 32 states before 1932 to appear in public that way. While the law was not always invoked, it could be at any time that it was determined that the woman was trying to cause a social problem by doing so.
The law is still on the books in most states. We just do not invoke the law anymore. Do [GG]'s get a twinge when dressed this way. Of course not. They have been taught and accepted like this by society in general. Until men can wear a dress and not be thought of as 2nd class citizens, women in general will always be thought of as the same.
It is still considered being a "sissy," or demeaning to wear that dress and pose as a woman. Woman still are concerned about us doing so and showing up in the ladies bathroom. Let's be honest here. Our concern over our loved ones finding us unappealing is just the tip of the social rejection iceberg.
Bottom line: the mental mechanisim that makes us feel uncomfortable at times, is the same mechanisim that makes us feel unsure at times about "will we be accepted."
That is a tough nut to crack!
Hugs
Danielle Marie
Make the most of every day!
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Kittie
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 1:44 pm
- Location: NW United Kingdom
Re: Still scared, freaked out, wanting to hide...for no reas
I came out recen tly to my so. She copes with it very well and I am sure understands me
Andrea Elise wrote:60 + years is a long while to hide something. I have hidden my self very well.
Now, that I am "out" to my SO, I am still trying to hide!
Afraid she will think I am icky or ugly or weird or every other bad thing under the sun.
She says I am none of the above, that she loves me and does not care!
I just can't seem to break throught the mental barrier that I have so carefully constructed. I need to do this. When she and I are together, I am, at times, just desperate to be comfortable. And I just can not.
Is cowering in the back of the closet something I am just so comfortable with that I can't ever break free of it? Or some kind of baby steps to rip myself out of this awful place I have made in my mind?
I don't get this confused and I am giving myself anxiety attacks over it. I feel so stupid!
Andrea
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Absaroka
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3344
- Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2005 8:30 am
Andrea Elise, I think your post in another section about previous relationships not working out throws some light on this thread. Perhaps you have a fears and anxietys that get put onto the CDing issue, but are really about the relationship in general.
The thing is, sometimes our fears are rooted in reality. But we can not tell that, only knowing you via online interactions.
I hope you'll keep posting. It takes courage to admit our mistakes, and only so much gain be gained in this medium. But I hope we can be of some help to you.
Zari
The thing is, sometimes our fears are rooted in reality. But we can not tell that, only knowing you via online interactions.
I hope you'll keep posting. It takes courage to admit our mistakes, and only so much gain be gained in this medium. But I hope we can be of some help to you.
Zari
everything under the sun is in tune
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon
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Karren Hutton
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 374
- Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2007 10:36 pm
- Location: Southwestern PA
- Contact:
I understand totally... I can go out in public enfemme but would also feel really uncomfortable dressing in front of my wife... Afraid of what she would say of the way I look and my style. Lucky for me she is not a big fan of my "hobby" so that will probably never happen.. Sigh....
Proud member of the National Sarcasm Society... Like we need your support!!
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
I reject your reality and substitute my own!
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Kittie
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 1:44 pm
- Location: NW United Kingdom
Re: Still scared, freaked out, wanting to hide...for no reas
Kittie wrote:I came out recen tly to my so. She copes with it very well and I am sure understands me
My next step is a dress and I am sure she will take it well. Today she is away & I have been wearing all day but we do wear together every night
Andrea Elise wrote:60 + years is a long while to hide something. I have hidden my self very well.
Now, that I am "out" to my SO, I am still trying to hide!
Afraid she will think I am icky or ugly or weird or every other bad thing under the sun.
She says I am none of the above, that she loves me and does not care!
I just can't seem to break throught the mental barrier that I have so carefully constructed. I need to do this. When she and I are together, I am, at times, just desperate to be comfortable. And I just can not.
Is cowering in the back of the closet something I am just so comfortable with that I can't ever break free of it? Or some kind of baby steps to rip myself out of this awful place I have made in my mind?
I don't get this confused and I am giving myself anxiety attacks over it. I feel so stupid!
Andrea