Time to have the talk with the daughter...no, not THAT talk

[Michelle Miller]

My 10 year old is starting middle school in a few short days, thanks to the school system here restructuring, and she's going to be in contact with kids as old as 7th graders on a daily basis.

Now, as I'm sure more than a few of us on here would agree with, children are vicious little bastards when it comes to socialization with their peers, and how that breaks down, as far as their little social groups go, they tend to work themselves up into a frenzy like freshly chummed sharks over ANYTHING different about their peers, whether it be their ugly glasses, being overweight, their clothes, yada yada yada, anything of that nature.

Me and my ex are butting heads over one point I've noticed...my daughter is getting furry on her legs...noticeably furry, and I think it's time for the wife to have that 'this is how you shave your legs' talk with her. I told her that we need to prevent anything of the sort that could cause her to be ostracized or picked on over at school this fall.

Well, this idea isn't going over very well with my ex-wife. She doesn't seem the least bit concerned with it, and thinks that she's not ready. I asked her, "When WILL she be ready? When she's as furry as a canadian lumberjack?" I just don't get it. If there's even the slightest chance you could keep your kid from being singled out and picked on, you'd do it, right?

So I tell the ex, "Look, you do it, or I will." I keep getting the "She's not ready, not old enough to understand, it'll be OK" lackadaisical apathy about it, and she's not even trying to justify it with any sense of her warped reason whatsoever. I told her that if she's worried about her cutting herself with a razor, to get her an electric one, and she can try the 'big girl' way later...

WWTCDFD?

[Anita]

Hi Michelle--
It sounds like this may be one of those issues where she's reacting to YOU, and not really thinking about her daughter clearly. My girlfriend's ex is extreme about this, so much so that even mediators commented that the ex was so busy trying to get revenge that she sometimes did not think about the best interests of the children.

I'll find myself getting stubborn about some point of argument with my girlfriend, and I can't let go of the contrary opinion, even when I know her point is probably the better one. So if it happens to me, I KNOW it's even more prevalent with former spouses. In the meantime, I think your point is very valid. Kids are cruel about differences of any kind.

[Davita]

I just heard in the news that girls are reaching puberty as early as 7 years old now. The last I heard (I guess a million years ago) it was 13. Anyway to me, the bottom line is not that she has furry legs, but she may be going through more of "those" changes and that means furry legs are just one of the possible issues. I can image neither of you wanting to deal with puberty just yet, but one cannot ignore the realities of the situations.

Specifically to the furry legs? How about a compromise? Let her go to school furry and if she gets blasted by anyone, then have her shave, be darned the parental arguments. Besides too, the hair will grow back eventually and you can have the argument again. In addition, she may not need to shave again for weeks or months -- not too bad a schedule if you ask me. heck I would be happy with weeks and months between shaves.

Good luck, doll. I don't envy you on this one.

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

erm sorry mate but I totally agree with your wife. I dunno if for the same reasons.
If your daughter has not become that body aware yet and has never tried or asked if she can shave her legs then she is really really not ready.
children should really just be allowed to be kids and live naturally and enjoy life as long as they can before all these social expectations are pushed on them.
and 10 is still a child really. they say kids are growing up faster these days and i couldn't agree more but if your child hasn't thought about leg shaving then she is lucky enough to be unaware of this social pressure.
she has not even hit puberty yet and frankly the whole little girls shaving and wearing makeup is rather.....creepy. If you aren't old enough to reproduce why are you doing things which are originally created with attracting sexual attention.

and tbh with you women naturally have hairy legs and there is nothing wring with that. theres nothing wrong with wanting to shave them to look nice but you must be aware that that is not natural it is a social invention that is forceably pushed onto women and girls. I mean think of it women are ashamed to have hairy legs and be naturally.
do you really want your 10 year old daughter having taht pressure to shave cas as you know once you start you can't stop and hair grows back with in days, gets corseer and grows quicker the more you shave.
The likely hood is your little girl will become aware of these social trends very soon perhaps tomorrow at school as she notices older girls, perhaps at age 11, 12 or 13 or maybe shes not that kind of person at all. maybe she'll grow up not being comfortable with the shaving fashion and you'll be pushing aomething onto her that was never part of her personality
Remember your daughter isn't you. For those who are very aware of their appearance and are very focused on looking pretty in a certain time they assume everyone thinks that way and they subconciously push it onto others.
I think maybe you think your wife is being unreasonable and she isn't explaining herself very elequently or perhaps you think she is reacting to you. But the fact is you are reacting to You and pushing a life styke on your daughter she may not want and be ready for.
I agree kids are bastards awful terrible but you ahve to let her experiences develop her as a person.
My mother encouraged me to wear makeup very very young as i had bad skin and maybe it did look better but i now resent her a little for it. I was brainwashed, i thought i was ugly without makeup and couldn't leave the house without it even though i dislike girly things and found it hard work. I used to get up at 5 am to try and fix my skin even if i didnt have to be in school for 9 and i became totally obsessed and brainwashed by it. My mother should of let me discover makeup on my own and helped me with it when i asked and told me i'm still pretty without it.
I discovered shaving at 12 i think......but then again i discover sex at 13. I'm not saying there is a link but think about growing up too fast isn't great. and then i got older i realised shaving isn't really something i enjoy doing and i look good shaved or natural and i debrainwashed myself and realised women look hot either way ........as long as her face and body are kickass LOL
But yeah i was bullied not for those things but others. chances are your child at some point will be teased unless she is a dull sheep. and you shouldn't worry just comfort her and remind her kids are bastards. her experiences will influence her so you don't need to.
I was bullied for being gothic which i loved, being androgynous so for a couple of years i did the whole skirts, blond, tanned thing and i hated myself and was miserable and let those bastards at school make me feel so bad that i was not allowed to be myself. I realised this and changed back and F**k them. You should be encouraging your daughter to be who she is and not feel guilty about it. as seriously even if its only one day at some point she will be teased for something and it will be stupid and illogical.
also you've got to ask yourself why am i so aware my daughter's legs are hairy cas you may be unconsicously pushing your ideas of beauty that you want onto her. I know i have the best mum ever and she only ever wanted to make me look my best but it did mean she unconsciously pushed her tastes onto me and made it hard to discover what i liked and wanted. just look at your own motives before you go telling your daughter she has hairy legs you could make her feel ugly and cry when she was fine before. think about it!

[April Rose]

Wow, Dante. I was tempted to say that you are wise beyond your years, but at 60 I have had to confront the reality that most of the wisest people I know are younger than me. There are lots of them who are older that pontificate, but most of them are talking out of their backside.

I am pretty much in agreement with everything you have to say. Michelle, take note.

[Joselle]

Summed it up well Dante I can't tell you how many times I've been told you should be this or you should be that Don't listen to that noise anymore

[Susan]

I suppose Dante has been on the receiving end of said talk. Not that that matters, A very good post young sir. Thank you for your input.

[DonnaT]

It's strange that I don't remember my daughter having hairy legs, thus don't know if my wife had a talk with her or she let her discover these things on her own. But I'm thinking the latter.

Of course, she was into dance and things where her legs were on display, so maybe a dance instructor or a friend had the talk with her. I figure that's how most girls discover new things, with friends.

The most common myth about hair and shaving it is that it will grow back thicker and faster, which is absolutely not true and has no merit. While it might look thicker, and maybe darker, it actually is not. It is just that your eyes playing tricks on you.

I suggest waiting, unless she does get teased.

But if she's on a swim team, cheer leading, etc., note that there are other options to shaving. Like Nair. Or even a hair trimmer just to reduce the hairs length.

Sounds like puberty has started, however, so someone soon is gonna need to have a talk with her about the monthly visitor.

[Karren Hutton]

10 seems kind of young but if she is really furry then you have 2 options. Slacks at school.. (Problem with gym class??) Or shave.. I'd say you and your ex ask your daughter what she would like to do and give her the options?

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Michelle -

I have to agree with Dante, hon. Your daughter is still a child and needs to experience life as it happens, you can't force a 'teen' or 'adult' action such as leg shaving on her. If and when she is ready, she'll find a way to let you know, and if it's because of any teasing from her classmates, well, that too is a part of growing up that she must experience. Let your daughter come to you, not the other way around . . . at least for this topic.

You can't shelter her by having her start leg shaving now 'just in case' she gets teased or razzed about it, although I understand why you want to do so . . . it's the natural instinct of a mother to shield their offspring from harm. However, she must also learn that not everyone is nice, or polite, or friendly, etc., and she's going to have to learn how to handle, or deal with, those types of people. Hopefully, your fears will be for naught, but if they are realized, at least you are prepared!

Good luck, girlfriend!!


- SL

[DanteCarrie (FTM)]

holy hell i don't remember my post being that long. thats a little ranty and embarrassing. too much caffine when i wrote that i think.
Oh yeah on a less preachy note i agree she could wear trousers for school.
Although alot of schools for some reason just have it automatically that skirt is school uniform for girls.
we had that at my school. two ways round it if she was teased but didn't want the effort of shaving.
thick tights. most girls do this at school cas really shaving your legs every few days is just exhausting even if you into it or force the school to introduce trousers. I kinda did that to my school when i was 13. a little bitchy but fun. just turned up in trousers and said make me wear a skirt the whole point of uniform is we all look same and there are more boys than girls and they wear trousers.
later i was not too popular with other girls who joined the school as they appealed to have school uniform changed to girls having skirts, fitted shirts, allowed to be untucked and no ties. their argument was in the work place women dress more that way. so through my selfish reasons of not wanting to be forced to dress like a girly girl i turned it over mwhahaha. so yeah you get bullied but don't bow to peer pressure better to have respect and be an individual

[Absaroka]

I'm not sure it rates a "talk" maybe a 2 second chat. If she ignores you go with that, if she asks for a razor loan her one. In any event her friends will either bring it up or not.

I'd agree that middle school kids are your basic rat pack and proof that evolution has only taken us so far. But kids get picked on not so much because they are different but because they subtly let others know they are safe victim. Think about it. We all knew folks who were "different" who no one dared pick on, and folks who were different who were admired for that. Far more important than body hair is your childs self confidence.

My eldest daughter was very confident and able to shrug off a lot of stuff far worse than being teased about body hair. She was very style conscious but now at the ripe old age of 20, faced with the cost of her own toiletries, has decided that unshaven legs are a statement of both feminism and naturalism. IE she thinks they are cool. THis is the same girl I posted about here a few years ago who said we just HAD to buy her bikini wax, it was too expensive for her to afford herself.

My youngest on the other hand, is like her sister drop dead gorgeous and also a great fashion plate. Yet she gets ignored a lot because of something that gives away her lack of confidence.

Teenage peer abuse sucks, but having a knowledge deep in you soul that your parents love you, period, goes a long way in making the difference between feeling miserable and picking up either automatic weapons or a bottle of sleeping pills. I always thought that my parents had to love me and so it didn't count until in adult life I met people who's parents didn't love them.

I would say that if your ex and you are having this much trouble over leg hair, you might want to think now about how in the world you will cope with sex and drugs in a few years.

Zari

[Dolores(GG)]

I can second Dantes post. I have had furry legs my ENTIRE life. Aside from waxing occasionally, a razor has never touched my legs. Was I made fun of in school? Yes. I was called a dyke and all sorts of names. Whatever. I didn't care. If I had, I could have sought a razor out. If she cares, so will she. And as Dante said, you grow to resent your parents when they push something on you. I detested makeup for so long because my mom made me feel as if I wasnt pretty unless I was drowning in makeup, in heels, all dressed up, since I was very young. It was mandatory. It's still mandatory if I am going to see her. And I have grown to enjoy it a little with time but under my own terms. Feeling like you have to prim to conform to someone elses perception is torture. I mean, keeping neat is one thing...but hair removal is ultimately optional.

[SallyWise]

When she is ready, she will come and ask. At least that is something she can change. Better than being teased over some body shape... my guess, you can not predict what will be popular and what will not...just let her be herself and hopefully she will find a place to fit it. It the whole system is changing, she won't be alone.