Shopping at the mall this morning

[BrandyB]

I went to the local mall this morning to get a couple pairs of jeans at Penney's...I decided to be myself, as I usually try to! I wore a pair of arizona boot cut jeans, a fleece, baseball cap, light foundation make-up, birkenstocks & sandalfoot knee-hi's...My toenails are polished, as they always are. I have done this many times, gone shopping dressed like this, today as I exited my vehicle, I admit I felt nervous.
I thought I was past all that, but I felt nervous, so I stopped and thought, "You can just get back in the car and go home"...then I thought "No, you have a RIGHT to be free to be who you are"...I felt fear of someone saying something mean to me, but I had to do it, I had to stand strong and be myself because maybe there was a closeted CD'er in there, wanting to shop freely with painted toenails exposed or whatever, but is afraid and maybe that person seeing me would allow them to take the next step and the next person take the next step.
It is more than just me, it is for all of us...those who are out, somewhat out or in the closet...we have a right to be who we are without fear of harm or retribution and the braver among us must take the first steps and pave the way.
I went into Penney's, head held high, oh I got some looks, most people don't even notice, but I had a few double takes from both men and women...so what! I found the jeans I wanted, the sales girl was very nice & I bought 2 pairs...I did not rush, I was not afraid, I was myself purchasing something in a store dressed how I am comfortable.
Then, as I was leaving I ran into a woman I used to work with over 15 years ago and she got a surprise! Again, no fear, simply explained this is who I am...she whispered "I thought you were married?"...I told her I am, she asked me if I was gay, I said no I am not, I am heterosexual, this really has nothing to do with that, but don't be afraid to ask...I was not the least bit angry with her...she learned something today about alot of us and I feel good I possibly educated someone who held misconceptions...
A good morning!

[KimberlyS]

Brandy GREAT JOB.

And GREAT ATTITUDE about your outing.


Glad it went well with the gal you use to work with. IMHO you did it the right way. And IMHO others acceptance and interaction with you starts with you, your personal acceptance of yourself and your attitude.

Keep up the good work.

kimberlys - cd
joe in a skirt

[Sarah L.]

When I am out this Halloween,I will remember reading your post.I don't know how I will respond to people's questions,but your story makes me want to tell the truth.Thank you for posting,it is very much appreciated!

[Wendae]

Glad you had a great time. It's more motivation for me.

[BrandyB]

Thanks for the positive feedback girls...I knew if I just got back in my car and went home I would have felt terrible and been very disappointed in myself. I have come too far to turn away out of fear of scorn, but it's always there.
I do know that as a younger person in my early 20's that if I had seen a CD'er out and about in a public place such as a shopping mall or restaurant, maybe not fully dressed, it would have made things easier for me.
As much as LGBT rights are bandied about out of the mouths of prospective politicians, it is not they who has to walk into a mall or store wearing make-up and women's sandals and jeans, it is not they who as to have the courage, usually alone, to walk into a public place, not knowing what will happen...will it be a good event? will it be bad? Will I be harassed? Attacked? No, it is me and it is you and it is me and you who may be verbally and/or physically harmed.
That being said, we must do it, we must go out into the communties as ourselves, people may point and laugh, but if more of us have the courage and it becomes more visible, everywhere...that too will stop, it will become commonplace, maybe not in our lifetimes, but we will lay the groundwork.
Gay rights, in my opinion, are farther along than Gender rights...gay people can stay under the radar and still be themselves if they so choose...if a gay couple were to walk down the concourse of a mall holding hands, you would know they were a couple, if they did not you may just assume they were two friends.
If I walked down the concourse of a mall wearing foundation, eyeshadow, lip gloss, a women's cap, women's skinny jeans, thong sandals with red toenails, there is little doubt.
Again, thanks for the feedback...remember, even if it is a regular thursday morning you plan on doing a little shopping...put a little eyeshadow on, a little clear lip gloss, leave the sneakers home, slip on the sandals, show the nail polish...these are just a few little things, but enough to make a statement that you are proud of who you are, not ashamed of who you aren't.

[Anita]

Hi Brandy--
It's good to read your post. I never saw anyone dressed out in public that I can remember. When I was considering it, I thought I'd be the only one out there. I never thought to go on the Internet and find others; at the time, it was still new enough that it didn't occur to me.

It is good for others to see us out there. They may remember us years from now, when they're facing a gender crisis that they never imagined could happen to them.

I found a previous post where I talked about this. It was an account of a night where a friend and I went out dressed to a club in a distant city:

Anita wrote:

I also noticed the men who were there. They were mostly middle-aged, and seemed friendly enough. Most of them were coupled. If I’m around young, macho guys who are flooded with testosterone, I don’t usually see much gender suppression. They look at me with curiosity, and shrug their shoulders. I look at them and smile; I see there's little questioning going on inside them.

But middle-age guys are more vulnerable to suppressed gender feelings in themselves. They may not know exactly what they’re feeling, but they know that something is stirring inside. They don’t necessarily react to me, or look uncomfortable with me being there. But it’s like I've developed an X-ray vision for gender; I can almost sense the degree of gender discomfort or longing in some men, when I see them pass by.

I have to let it go by in my mind, and trust that they’ll find their own way to deal with it, if it really is there. Who knows? I’m certainly not going to go up and ask them! I would hope that seeing us there is a small beacon to them. They may not consciously need it now, but they can remember it in years to come, when the distress is becoming known.

I may not have seen anyone in public, but I certainly saw drag performances when I was younger, and they made me feel wistful. It was something I wanted to do, but I 'knew' I could never do that--it was unthinkable to me. I was a serious rock musician, for one thing, and to do drag would be to destroy any credibility that I had. So I thought that the idea was one of those "wouldn't it be nice" ideas that would never be possible, so why even bother about it?

Now I know all too well that when the gender crisis hits, there's no more luxury about "wouldn't it be nice?" It becomes something that one has to do, no matter what the consequences.

So you're helping people like the man I was 25 years ago, when you're out there being who you are.

[JoAnnDallas]

I know how you felt.

I don't normally go to the Mall but one Saturday, my wife needed her watch battery replaced and the watch repair store is in the Mall. So I got all dressed up in a new summer dress, 2" heels, makeup, wig...the whole works. Drove to the Mall, parked at Macy's and sat there for a couple of minutes. Then I grabbed my purse, got out and walked into Macy's. Walked thru Macy's to the watch repair store. No one said BOO to me. After getting her watch battery replaced, I saw the Victoria Secrets across the way. I knew right then I had to go in and buy something, so I could get one of those cute PINK bags. So in I went, browsed the panties, picked out a couple and then saw they had Tap Pant PJ's on sale. Could not believe that they had my size and at $15.00 on sale, I had to get a set. Walked up the counter, she rang up my items, put them in a Pink Bag, and said, "Have a nice day MAM". Walked out on cloud nine. Walked around for a little bit, then back thru Macy's and out to my car.

[Wendae]

Anita said

Now I know all too well that when the gender crisis hits, there's no more luxury about "wouldn't it be nice?" It becomes something that one has to do, no matter what the consequences.

Damn the torpedos and full speed ahead! It's really amazing how powerful that urge becomes. We recognize the implicatrions, ramifications and potential self destruction yet, we do it. It may take awhile to work up to it but, it's gonna get loose one way or another. It's taken over 40 years but I'm on the roller coaster now. Wheeeeeeeeeee!

[Anne]

Way to go Brandy! We all have out own comfort in boundary pushing.

It just scares me that it could be past my time that anyone can shop 100% freely. Not just the shoppeople but society where you don't have to feel you'll lose your job or family if you express yourself in a CD / TG way.

Your courage as well as the millions of our sisters may turn the tide yet. Yay!

Regards. Anne