Men vs. Women

[Anne]

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

[Carol Elizabeth]

I am sorry but I must take exception to one of the remarks in this post!

It said,
"A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals."

Yes, a man will dress up for a wedding or a funeral, but only if it's his own.

CE

[Tara M]

An Entrepreneur built two department stores, one for women and one for men.

The men's store only sold potential wives, on the first floor were nymphomaniac women. No one knows what's on the other floors because no one has ever gone there.

The women's store only stocked potential husbands. My wife went there once. As she got out on the first floor a tannoy said: "On this floor you will find good looking men."

She went up a floor. "On this floor you will find good looking men who are also intelligent."

She went up another floor: "On this floor you will find men who are good looking, intelligent and wonderful conversationalists."

Going up another floor she found:"On this floor all the men are good looking, intelligent, wonderful conversationalists and rich."

She went up another floor: "good looking, intelligent, wonderful conversationalists, rich and great with kids."

Of course she went up another floor: "good looking, intelligent, wonderful conversationalists, rich, great with kids and great cooks."

Then on the next floor: "On this floor all the men are good looking, intelligent, wonderful conversationalists, rich, great with kids, great cooks and enjoy housework."

She went up to the top floor where the tannoy said: "Welcome to floor eight, you are visitor number 7,998,567. There are no men on this floor. It is only here to show that women are never satisfied, you cannot get back in the lift so please take the escalator direct to the exit.


Now for my wife's joke: "How can you tell when your husband's happy? Answer: Who cares!"