Sometimes, it's OK (and even preferable) to have no recollection of some past events, but when I'm trying to figure out my beginnings as a "trans" person, I wish my "hard drive" had more retrievable data.My only memory as a child regarding any "femme curiosity" had to do with examining my mom's lingerie as it was drying on the shower curtain rod. I was drawn more to "Nylons" than anything else, and this had to have been after 1945-6, when they became more available to mom and other women after dad and other sailors came home from the Pacific. I remember liking the feel of them, and, of course, I had to try them on. They were rather baggy for a 9 year old. My sister was four years younger than I, and she was just entering puberty when I left for college. So, my opportunities were limited at home, and although there were girls in my rather shy life, I was more interested in what was in their clothes than any interest in what they were wearing.
My early college years brought greater experience with women, but "the girl" I dated during those years and married after the end of my junior year, was not a very "look at me" person in her lingerie. After being married to her for about 15 years, I was ordering from catalogs in order to provide her with nicer and more sensual clothing and lingerie. We'd had 5 kids during those years, didn't have a lot of money for "extras," so those purchases were limited. I remember ordering her a really pretty set of pj's, and even trying them on and "modeling" them for her. That went kind of poorly.
I don't think we were unlike the majority of people in the 1950's through the 1970's, and though we "hit a lot of home runs" in the parenting game, things were not as close as I would have liked between us. We had experienced a lot of separation, as I was a career Navy officer. And, somewhere in our 18th year of marriage, I looked elsewhere for company. I don't say that lightly, as it was a very traumatic time. The marriage ended, and I married my current wife a short time later - we've been married over 32 years.
Living as a Navy person, one can have all kinds of relationships if he/she wishes. Or, like the majority I knew, could be "true blue" to their spouses. I had one other relationship outside my marriage, and that person was my wife for the last half of my Navy years. When I retired, I entered a profession in which I had gained some experience in the Navy, and for 18 years, most of my employment was as a prison administrator.
I share all of this info for only one reason - something happened during my last two years before retirement; I tried on women's lingerie, and started crossdressing. And have been doing so for the past 10 years or so. It is strange (even to me) that a male raised and employed in such restrictive occupational roles, having little opportunity or inclination to behave in other than the more conservative of lifestyles, suddenly finds a very different behavior and set of ideas/ideals becoming a significant part of his life. I had always loved womens' fashions, the fabrics and design of their clothing, and all of a sudden, I was "wearing" them.
This part of our forum deals with "beginnings." I've shared that in this post. There's a lot more - their always is in our special way of living as trans people.
