Looking back.

[Bernice]

My thanks to Sally and Beauty for their inspirational replies.

Here are two paragraphs from the rough draft of “my beginnings” that may help to explain why I will never tell my mother that after nearly 40 more years, I am still a crossdresser.

“Soon, dressing in mother’s things became an obsession, and so, of course I got caught. Mother forced me to go to church-sponsored counseling for almost two years, but I had no desire to open up to a total stranger (who was a dirty old man) and talk about my innermost feelings.

“In the summer between seventh and eighth grade, my mother came home unexpectedly one day, and found me asleep in one of her favorite dresses, stuffed bra, girdle, and stockings. I took quite a pounding for that transgression. Over and over she yelled “You don’t need all that equipment”! She was so pissed-off that I was not simply outgrowing this phase. I resolved to try harder than ever to never get caught. She never caught me again, that I remember. I think to this day that she believes I simply outgrew it, as she so fervently hoped I would. But, I would get caught again - by other people.”

My mother had a stroke in December of 2002, and I moved her from Northern Virginia out here to Kansas where I can supervise her care. She is more or less fully dependent on me or my wife for everything not covered under her contract for care, but she is still of sound mind. She thinks I am her omnipotent hero, and sometimes she even humorously refers to me as her “daddy”.

I think there are some things that will never change, and some people who will never change, and sadly, my mother’s inability to accept diversity is never going to suddenly evaporate. She can’t really hurt me now (except I suppose she could rewrite her will) but why even take the risk? It can only hurt her. I think she would rather just not be burdened with such knowledge, perhaps especially now. The secret is not in order to protect me, but to protect her. But this is just my personal situation, and I would never discourage others from sharing.

As long as I accept me, and my wife accepts me, (no offense intended, but) nobody else really needs to know or to accept me. Sure, the closet is limiting. Life has limits. I just take it to the limits. Anything more would seem greedy.

I appreciate your efforts. Both of you are dear, kind, expressive, and thoughtful people, and I love you for it.

Bernice

[Anita]

Hi Sally--
It's been a while since I heard your story, and I'd never seen that complete a version. You have had some medical problems that the hormones might or might not have made worse; I hope all that got straightened out

In answer to one post, your wife does know about your hormones, doesn't she?

When it comes to transition, I definitely live in day-tight compartments. I try to live right here and now--too much thought about that drives me crazy. It sounds like you've given it a lot of thought, and come to a decision you can live with for now.
Anita

[Beauty]

Hi Bernice,

Thank you for explaining more. I'm sorry you were caught and disciplined so roughly as a child.

I do understand why you don't want to tell your mother though. I told my mom, but I won't be telling me father. He wouldn't be able to accept it. I would only hurt him. So, I'll rest with my mom who told me to always tell her everything.

I wish you the best and I think you are a hero son for taking care of her.

Beauty

[SharonRose]

Sally.

I am a little behind in reading the messages on this board, so I'm just getting to your beginnings story as well.

I agree with the others that your story is well-written and compelling. I also respect the fact that you have chosen to stand behind your committments to your wife and children.

I have to agree with Bernice that in some instances telling a parent will not go well, and its up to each of us to decide whether or not to tell them.

The lesson to be learned here is that we are each an experiment of one.

Sharon Rose

[Sally]

Hello Anita,

Yes, my wife is aware of the hormones, but it's always the one aspect she has trouble coming to terms with, she's comfortable with everything else. I guess it stems from the area which wives and S.O's find is the initial question they want answered when they first become aware of what we do, and that is, if her man wants to become a woman. She was also naturally deeply concerned when I experienced the adverse reactions to the medication in the first inst, and of course that's always a concern to her. My doctors changed the medication around until they found the compatible mix for me, and I now experience no adverse reactions whatsoever.

People often ask me why I continue on with the program if I have decided not to transition completely. To answer that full and complete would take much more space and time than is prudent to take up here, but briefly, I have stopped using them several times and the emotional reactions were so devastating, I was advised to re-commence the program. Opinions vary on whether it is just the placebo effect or something else, but it's all something I'm trying to work through, some days don't quite measure up, although mostly it's good. Most people are aware of the frustrations they felt at times connected with crossdressing, but all my past frustrations as a result of crossdressing needs etc can be multiplied by tens, trying to work my way through it all, to find that right solution which everyone will be accepting and comfortable with.

Sometimes when we embark on a journey, to reach the destination desired, we have to experience some pain between the start and finish, that's just how it is. I believe that since I took on family responsibilities, then my wife and family have to be considered above everything else. I see it as a choice between risking destroying 4 lives or continuing to try to find ways to make one life more liveable, enjoyable and meaningful, while staying within the comfort zone of those other 4 people.

This is dragging out a bit, but just to touch a bit deeper, I think that most people in society go through life not living it as they would like. I find it hard to find anyone who is really happy and contented in their job. Most people see their job as just a means to an end and they roll along never doing anything about making their working life more to their liking. It's the same with their life in general, they get into a groove and you hear most people complaining about this and that in their life, always saying I should have done this or that, but very few ever take time out to realy explore in their mind what they desire most out of life. Most people just seem to take what comes, they roll along doing what society expects and mass psychology demands that if everyone else is doing it, then it must be right. I guess this leads to society in general seeing us as rebels or outcasts because we have the constitution which makes us seek to do what we need to do to make our life more enjoyable and fulfilling.

I'm sorry I haven't answered your last letter Anita, I will do, I value our detailed exchanges so much. I meant to tell you last time that a friend of mine has been trying to get a rock band together, consisting of all CD's, it hasn't happened yet, but the idea grew from a ball we went to, where she jumped up on stage and grabbed a guitar from a member of the band and pounded out the greatest bracket she'd ever played, and it brought the house down. It was a real hoot seeing her in a formal ball gown rocking away..lol..

Sharonrose.....yes, I agree with you wholeheartedly, who we tell is a personal choice and decision, there is no one rule fits all, there are many things to consider before we ever tell anyone, each person's circumstances, needs and emotions vary so much and I think everyone has to look at it from every angle and take into account the repercussions and effects it would have on everyone concerned, if it isn't accepted well.

It can be a very hard road we travel, but I do believe being who we are and achieving what we do, just goes to make us into stronger, more understanding and caring people. My heart always goes out to those whose circumstances require they live a restricted life and cannot enjoy the freedoms a lot of us do. Life can be unkind at times, or would it be more accurate to say 'people' in lieu of 'life'.

I'd just like to finish by saying that I hope I haven't offended anyone and if anyone finds it in bad taste when I refer to questions involving my life and hormones, if so, then I'll not mention it again or I can always withdraw. Although most of us who venture into a deeper journey started out with just crossdressing needs and desires, I do understand and accept that some people are not comfortable with the subject, I withdrew from CDDF because of people expressing their distaste for the subject to me and if I make people feel uncomfortable here, then I'll do the same, with no ill feelings.

My kindest regards.

Sally.

[Beauty]

Hi Sally,

I loved your post. You're so incredible! I know you won't accept that, but you are.

I don't think anyone should get offended by this post. You were being real. Sharing of hormone experiences are allowed here. Even I have taken a testosterone blocker before. I stopped because I was ok with the feeling, but I could tell the libido was gone and that wasn't fair to my wife.

If you're ever online on Yahoo, I'd love to talk to you some time.

I really respect the responsible person you are being to protect your family and keep them together.

I hope one day you can share this part of your life with the beautiful family you have and you will still be together.

All the best,
Beauty

[Alexandra]

I hope I haven't offended anyone and if anyone finds it in bad taste when I refer to questions involving my life and hormones . . .

Sally, please continue to speak what's on your mind! I for one appreciate hearing from a perspective that is relatively rare here.

Thanks for posting!

[Bernice]

Sally:

They say that beauty is only skin deep. Nonsense. You are beautiful to the core, and your wife is a very lucky person. My favorite part about you is how honest, candid, and completly you express yourself. You are a masterful communicator, and the world can never have enough people like you. We are fortunate to have met you.

Hugs,

Bernice

[Ridge]

Nikki;

Maybe I can offer some insight into the issue of hormones. I have a brain tumor than whacked my hormones - very low Testosterone. Then the endocrinologist put me on HRT with testosterone without any anti-estrogen blockers. Result is that my estrogen is though the roof and my body is effectively that of a TS on hormones. Boobs and the resulting mental effects also. Low T doesn't cause the CDing. However, in my case the whacked hormones play with the mind. So when I look at the VS models, I look at the clothes and their body as I would want it. The more hormones you take the more your mind/outlook are altered.

Having breasts sounds great. As I have said before, you can't put your breasts in the dresser drawer at night. Are you ready to live with them 24/7? Will work or sports activities be problematic? Are you ready to wear a bra 24/7 out of need instead of out of desire? Breasts larger than a B cup are very hard to hide. Will you stick out ( pardon the pun) at work? Breasts and mens suits don't go well together. Changing in the locker room at the local gym or club takes on a different meaning. Running requires a bra. Swimming becomes very interesting.

Also, as mentioned above the hormones don't just stop at the breasts. It is likely your libido will be affected. You will be more emotional. You will lose beard growth. You will lose muscle tone and mass. You will develop buttocks and a waist. Like me, your skin will be that of a 20-something woman (not so bad).

There are many issues to consider. Unfortunately Mother Nature hasn't given me a choice. But you have one. So I caution to really think this through. Once you have the breasts, only surgery can remove them.

Good luck.

Ridge

[Beauty]

Hi Ridge,

That was a very revealing post. The advice you gave is right in line with my experience and what I've read.

I'm glad you are a survivor.

Thanks for your input about this!

Beauty

[Sally]

I'd like to just say a thank you collectively to everyone for their support and acceptance, it's really very overwhelming to find a place such as this and I think a wonderful feature of this forum is that every topic is not bundled together, having separate discussion boards to cover every aspect of our lives is a wonderful idea.

Nikki Marie......I'm certainly not offended by anything you said, it seems to me that you could well do with some interaction with people who have been down the path you are wondering about, and if ever you feel I can fill in the blanks, don't hesitate.

Before I answer your questions, I'd just like to say that anything I ever say or suggest is never meant as a contradiction to anything someone else may offer up for consideration. I draw on my life's experiences of my gender conflict and experiences in the TG community, my crossdressing experiences, information and experiences others have discussed with me and my general research and studies, which all enables me to form my opinions and beliefs. What I say from time to time may not align with what someone else may suggest, but that is not to say I'm right and they're not, it's up to each and every one to make their own decisions, and take from what others say which you feel will help to enhance your life, all I can ever do is offer up for consideration my experiences and beliefs then people take from them what they will.

I guess I really came to accept myself for the person I am after I had exhausted all avenues which may have enabled me to push 'her' out of my life for good, but it became evident to me that would never happen, nobody could offer me any hope whatsoever, so it became a matter of self acceptance or wallow in my own depression. I sought help from the CD community first, then later the TS community and thereafter my life began to turn around for the better. I must add that 3 Crossdressers and 1 TS collectively were so much more value to me than all the psycs and counsellors put together, and those 4 did it all for free. I think it's called being on the same wave length or something similar.

I would suggest that hormone therapy is a last resort, it can change your life forever, and not always for the better. I believe it has to be a decision made with expert help from professionals fully experienced in the matter.

Having said this though, I believe that any person who has a gender identity problem knows much more about the condition and needs, than the therapist does. It gets back to the age old problem of how can anyone not inflicted with a condition, possibly know what the other person is truly feeling, I believe it's an impossibility.

You are correct in the fact that female hormones will lessen your libido, so it is a consideration which always needs to be discussed fully with wives or partners. There are also many other facts which have to be considered before a person enters an opposite sex hormone program. Some resulting changes are good, others can be not so good.

Hormones are the chemical messengers of our body, our endocrine system manufactures and controls them, so that when we upset the natural balance there can be adverse reactions as well as good results. If we are to obtain the best possible results from taking estrogen, then we need to supplement it with an anti-androgen, such as Spironolactone, which then tricks the pituitary into thinking there is sufficient testosterone in the body, therefore the signals which stimulate the gonads are not sent out, so our body shuts down it's testosterone making.

This will in time produce bodily changes, including some breast growth to a degree, but having said that, in my experience I have never seen hormone therapy alone produce breast growth which was sufficient and satisfactory, in the main I have seen the person have to have corrective surgery or implants to enhance the contour and balance to a more natural female appearance. I have seen people experience very imbalanced growth, with one breast finishing a complete different size to the other, we don't always get the desired results, although (touch wood) I have no complaints to date. What I am trying to say is that it's not always a simple matter of taking the hormones and sitting back to wait for the desired effects, it doesn't always go to plan. I have seen results which could only be described as disfigurement, which needed corrective surgery on more than one occaison.

I don't mean to put you or anyone else off, I am just making the point that if anyone is considering taking opposite sex hormones, then the repercussions can be such that we do need to consult with the right medics in the first place to give ourself the best chance of success and the least chance of anything going wrong. We only have one shot at this life and we shouldn't put ourselves in the position where it can needlessly be taken from us or we do irrepairable damage to our organs.

As to your question regarding my wife accepting my hormone therapy, well that is the only part of my life she has a problem with, for a couple of reasons. One being, she is apprehensive that my physical appearance may change so that she and the children lose both husband and father. She has been placated to some degree on that concern, as at my age, I can expect minimal changes, although the greatest changes actually occur mentally and emotionally, rather than physically. The further away from completion of our natural puberty that we commence a hormone program, then the less physical changes we can expect to see. In our 20's we would see more physical changes than we would see if we commenced in our 30's, and the older we get the less changes we will achieve.

The second concern she has is that I may suffer damage to my organs, e.g. liver damage can be quite common. This concern has been placated somewhat with the change over to the transdermal method. Reputable medics these days are prescribing estrogen patches for people over the age of 40, as the estrogen enters the blood stream through the skin, thereby bypassing the liver, which also has the added benefit of the liver not disposing of any percentage of the drug. When estrogen is ingested in tablet form, the liver can dispose of anything up to 80% of the drug, which of course greatly reduces the desired and effective dosage. Overall she has come to accept my needs and she does comment that nowadays I am a complete different person from the coiled spring I once was, but if there were to be any adverse indications arise, then she would make her demands loud and clear of me. She really is an angel and without her I have grave fears of where I would be today.

In closing, may I say that I always welcome questions, it is the only way we learn and find the information we seek to enable us to live more satisfactory and complete lives. One point I would like to add is that after a few years of hormone therapy, my need to crossdress is nowhere as urgent as it once was, although each and every hour of the day I present in some form of female clothing, the dressing is now of a secondary nature, maybe it is just another phase of the journey.

We should also remember that opposite sex hormones cannot change our skeletel structure, they will not give us the female hour glass figure, they may cause us to grow a minimal amount of additional fat on our bottom and to a lesser degree our hips and they may lessen the abdominal fat to a degree. They also arrest any male balding and make the head hair softer and the body hair may diminsh to some degree and become lighter, but the effect on the beard is negligible, people who fully transitions still have to have laser or electrolysis treatment on their beard. Female hormones do make our skin softer and smoother, although they do make freckles and pigment blemishes more prominent, but one problem is our skin becomes dry and we need to apply lots of moisturiser, just as women do, also, our skin can become so soft it damages at the slightest knock.

Always remember that there should be no shame attached to who we are, everybody is intersexed to some degree. All men and women have both estrogen and testosterone running through their blood stream, it's only the ratio which determines how we present and nature doesn;t always follow the same receipe.

After conception, for a time we are all female by default and how we present as sexual adults is a multi cascade of events through genes, chromosomes, hormones, gonads, genitals and how we are reared etc etc, it's really all out of our control, nature makes both sexes interconvertible at conception and really no person has the right to be critical of how anyone else wants to present themselves. There is a little bit of stigma attached to every person on earth and unfortunately it is those of us who may choose to reveal who are set apart by those who choose to keep their stigma hidden, whereby they can then declare themselves as 'normal', but that is a complete separate debate for another time.

I hope this has given you some small insight into the subject, but it is so vast, varied and immense, one could talk on it for days. If you have any further questions feel free to ask, my main aim is always to try to make the road easier for those coming behind me than it has been for me, the more knowledge we have, the more likely it is we can avoid some of the hard yards.

My kindest regards......

Sally.

[Paula]

hi sally thanks for the post you are a very special person indeeed, I hope you don't mind that I printed one of your post to show my wife. I could not have said things any better even with a lot of thought. you just seemed to hit on every thing that I feel or felt at some time in my life. It was the post on feb 26. just so you know. You are truly fantastic you write so well, with kindness, thoughtfulness and compasion. me on the outher hand I can't spell and have a hard time to get my point across, my typing dosn't help any. any way thanks for the post It's great to have you here LOL paula

[Sally]

Hello Paula,

Don't be concerned, you type just fine and your message comes across perfectly. Don't worry, I can't find the words I'm looking for sometimes, but I think if we speak from the heart, then it all just naturally flows.

As for me hitting on everything you feel or have felt at some time, I think we can all relate to what others say, as no matter whether anyone is, at the beginning, middle or end of their journey, we really have all started at the same identical point, we all experience the same feelings, needs, joys, highs and lows along the way, that's all part of what makes us a 'family', the majority of the community may not accept us for how we were made, but as long as we have the compassion and support amongst each other, as a 'family' we will continue to push for freedom for each and everyone.

I'm only too happy for you to have your wife read anything I say, I hope she may gain some positives from it.

My Kindest Regards,

Sally.

[Cyndee]

Thanks to all that have contributed to this thread and in particularly Sally who has given me and im sure others such a good deal of insight by sharing her expereinces.

I hope tocontribute some to this thread in the next days but wanted to get this off to say thank you.

Cyndee