Struggling with Crossdressing

[Anthony Simon]

The one thing you leave out of your post, Anne, is how incredibly upsetting for you this must be. When one is that upset it's a terrible time to be making judgements - because one's judgement is almost certain to be impaired. Yet here you are being incredibly judgmental about yourself.

Leave it, until you're on a more even keel. Maybe talk about your pain a bit, if that would help.

[Absaroka]

Anthony makes a very good point that you should think about carefully.

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you all for your thoughts, advice and concern. Please note I speak about my belief and faith and hopefully have not offended, and I am so glad that there are fellow christians here as well. I would have responded to each post but it seems I am only able to add to the string, it is therefore difficult to respond to all individually but I read all of your posts because you each took the time to respond. This is a wonderful site. Where else can we find support if we are not in some local group. Yes I am Anne Bonny (a 17th century female pirate who dressed as a man to lead an life of high adventure on the high seas) I see myself as a man who crossdresses and enjoys the experience. It is a real name. I also liked Margaret, or Mary but I took this name and will never change it. Life does alter our thinking and the old quote of mine was at a time when I was far from my faith, down to my christian core or ethic but also in doubt. I was not attending church, was even reading Christopher Hitchen's book on God (he is an athiest) I was also fully accepting of my crossdressing having suspended thought of it as a sin. There are practices each individual considers sinful, another may not.
My Mother is also dying of metastatic pancreatic cancer, lost my father in 2007. I seem to be losing my most significant relationships, it is hard. I have my teenage sons, and attend Church but I have always been a loner I am not one to seek out friendships, but I become unbalanced if completely alone - I need someone to converse with which is one of the benefits of marriage, even with my wife gone out of town to her Mother's I miss being together. I do know that at somepoint I will be at my wit's end when she loses her faculties but I am lucky enough to be able to care for her myself, we have an income stream - a blessing from God as I see it. I am an RN and am fully aware of the process while maintaining a kind of a state of denial so that I can deal with it - I take it on a day by day basis, stay hopeful and open to trying cutting edge ideas and we are lucky enough to have a Doctor who thinks the same way. We still laugh and love but I have had enough of sadness. I find comfort and strength in my faith, and have recently picked up my guitar again (rennaissance music), and other interests. I know I have not responded to everyone, could print out the string so that I could do so but am out of cyan. Thank you all - Anne

[Anne Bonny]

In my first post I stated that I crossed the gender line when my sister put a yellow dress on me when I was about 3, could have been 4?? I did not state that there was a sexual element in this at that time. BUT I did know it was a dress and did not want to wear it and took it off. This was a mere introduction to wearing clothing that girls wore and did not like it. I return to this episode because I never forgot this incident. I was not traumatized by it but I never forgot it. I was undergoing self discovery when I was about 9 years old and it was around this time that I developed an interest in female clothing and the rest is history.....

[Anthony Simon]

In my first post I stated that I crossed the gender line when my sister put a yellow dress on me when I was about 3, could have been 4?? I did not state that there was a sexual element in this at that time. BUT I did know it was a dress and did not want to wear it and took it off. This was a mere introduction to wearing clothing that girls wore and did not like it. I return to this episode because I never forgot this incident. I was not traumatized by it but I never forgot it. I was undergoing self discovery when I was about 9 years old and it was around this time that I developed an interest in female clothing and the rest is history.....

My grandmother put me in a nightgown when I was 4. This was after I wet the bed, so I think, on some level, I did probably understand that as sexual. I also hated it, but the difference for me was I started hunting around in my mother's clothing more or less immediately - and in a very conflicted way. 9 was also important for me in that I played Titania in a school play then (the only time I have been seen in public dressed up).

You never really know what the crossdressing is about. I think it's just such an incredibly powerful drive that it's unlikely to be just about one thing (like sex). I think of it as being part of your life drive and you have to deal with it one way or another. I have terrible problems with separation, generally - and I've come to think of it as something that helps me deal with that - Like I dress up as a compensation for loss (partly).

[Absaroka]

Anne you have had a lot of losses and are enduring more at the moment. I know that for me losses of this magnitude have extremely far reaching effects on me.

[Erica S]

I started to dress in my Mom's girdle when I was around 11 years old. I loved the fabric and it was snug even though I was a child. this is what got me started in my dressing. I experimented with a bra of my sister and liked it. I have said this before in other postings. I think you just need to do what is right for you and what makes you feel right too. I have been underdressing a lot since the start of this year and do not want to cut back. I know now where I am going and it is not popular. It scares me to think what may happen. I know that I need this for me. I know you will find what it is you need Anne. Best to you and as everyone else here I am behind you for support.

Hugs,

Erica

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you for your support. I fight every day to try to slow down what is happening to my wife - research is advancing but we cannot really place too much hope in that. I spent much of the past few days sitting in hospital rooms and waiting, my mother was transported home last night and hospice has taken over. We are all wayfarers on this earth all of our clocks are ticking and slowly winding down - so hopefully I can focus on the eternal values and not waste my time.... Crossdressing it is a huge challenge we all live with here. In a way I feel like the ping-pong ball is being bounced on my forehead as I just don't get it. Realistically, for me I know it is incongruent with my sex and my gender and I desire everything to fall into place and to be congruent or in harmony. We cannot explain it, it just IS. I do believe it to be some form of sexual addiction - feelings are hightened when our hormones or sex drive surge and masturbation and fantasization to turn all of this into a gateway drug inconsistent and thoughts with my faith. We are depraved, the natural man seeks worldly pleasure in numerous ways hence since the fall Christ substituted himself and took the consequences of our sins upon himself and died in our place so that through him we can obtain salvation. "For by grace have you been saved throught faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God- not of works, least any man should boast." Because we are incapable of earning salvation. Faith, Repentance is all that is required for salvation - we come to him with open hands asking for mercy and if in our heart we are sincere he forgives us and makes us part of his family. Repentance is almost a continuing process for us, and our santification is a lifelong process. We must seek to turn from the desires of the natural man. I am merely seeking to explain WHY I have so much trouble with all of this. Realistically I just do not see this part of myself as something that is acceptable to the almighty. All of you have your own thoughts on this - and I fully accept that I do not judge you, I do judge myself - I can not judge you. So I struggle with this and always will until I pass into eternal life. A piece of work isn't it??

[Anne Bonny]

Crossdressing lowers stress, and once I have yealded to it, the torment leaves me and for a while I am able to move on for the day. I will NEVER be free of this it seems short of a miracle - I suppose I should be grateful I am not addicted to something physically harmful to my health, and not as harmful to others as some of the things people do like murder, and other crimes. There are effects on others that can be minor or moderate, this is not an entirely harmless activity.

[Gillian]

Someone once said that you can't know where you are going until you know where you have been. I look at this as being that you have to accept yourself where you are at. Once you accept the fact that you are what you are, then you can move forward to who you were meant to be. For everyone that may be something completely different.

[Anthony Simon]

I spent much of the past few days sitting in hospital rooms and waiting, my mother was transported home last night and hospice has taken over. We are all wayfarers on this earth all of our clocks are ticking and slowly winding down - so hopefully I can focus on the eternal values and not waste my time....

I just wonder if you could say a bit more about your relationship to your mother and how it might affect this. I say this because I have a deeply conflicted relationship with my mother and know that, when it comes to her death, I'm going to have real problems. When I dress up, I get a "woman's face", which appears to be, at least in part, a reminsicence of hers (like in the dressing up I'm trying to come to terms with her, somehow). And your mother is, more generally, the first woman you know. So that whoever you are when you dress up (or for whatever reason) there seems likely to be some element of her in there.

[Anne Bonny]

Hi Anthony, Actually I look like the younger of my two sisters when I am fully enfemm except for body shape and stature, and not my mother so seeing myself in the mirror will not be an issue causing me to "see" a resemblence to my mother thus spurring memories. I would describe my childhood as idealic with a close and loving relationship with my mother and my father. I have two older sisters. My mother was married at a young age son my older sister is a half sister which I was upset to learn about when I was 9 years old, and to this day I still consider her one of my sisters. My older and only brother had a troubled life we guess perhaps he had manic depressive syndrome, he was always in and out of trouble, never able to stick with anything for more than a couple of years, married 4-5 times. He left home, changed his name back to that of his blood father and would occasionally show up needing money for one reason or another - we have not seen him in over 30 years now and I do not know if he is dead or alive, but would be worried if he suddenly showed up. Some people are genetically flawed and there is nothing parenting can do to correct it. My father did adopt my half siblings, and my older sister is quite successful. In fact My sisters and I are all successful have or had successful marriages separated only by death. I speculated at one time that perhaps I started crossdressing because of my sister's success, perhaps I wanted to be like her feeling inadequate, I was shy and lacked confidence when I was younger. Who knows. Hope that answers your questions. Anne

[Davita]

Anne, sounds like you have had a fairly normal life with good times and tribulations. To slightly change the direction of the conversation, there is always the question of nature versus nurture. I think we are a product of the two. My life had good and bad. I don't recall any events that "triggered" my needing to dress, however. I dressed for stress relief, but honestly I think my stress was all about not getting to dress.

Nature vs nurture... God's will versus (Wo)man's will? I think, if there is a higher power it would have to be female because she would want to be all inclusive Something more to consider.... Nature vs nurture... more options to come out right and I think we did.

[Anthony Simon]

Hi Anthony, Actually I look like the younger of my two sisters when I am fully enfemm except for body shape and stature, and not my mother so seeing myself in the mirror will not be an issue causing me to "see" a resemblence to my mother thus spurring memories. I would describe my childhood as idealic with a close and loving relationship with my mother and my father. I have two older sisters. My mother was married at a young age son my older sister is a half sister which I was upset to learn about when I was 9 years old, and to this day I still consider her one of my sisters. My older and only brother had a troubled life we guess perhaps he had manic depressive syndrome, he was always in and out of trouble, never able to stick with anything for more than a couple of years, married 4-5 times. He left home, changed his name back to that of his blood father and would occasionally show up needing money for one reason or another - we have not seen him in over 30 years now and I do not know if he is dead or alive, but would be worried if he suddenly showed up. Some people are genetically flawed and there is nothing parenting can do to correct it. My father did adopt my half siblings, and my older sister is quite successful. In fact My sisters and I are all successful have or had successful marriages separated only by death. I speculated at one time that perhaps I started crossdressing because of my sister's success, perhaps I wanted to be like her feeling inadequate, I was shy and lacked confidence when I was younger. Who knows. Hope that answers your questions. Anne

Thanks Anne. I think it probably does.

Just some thoughts. It does sound that your brother is someone who would probably have the sort of issues I ascribed to myself when I talked about what happens when my mother dies (I mean apart from the ones he's got already). It's good that you and your sisters can consider yourself successful; that'll probably help you deal with all this stuff (even, maybe, with your brother - who knows).

On the crossdressing issue, I actually have my mother's eyes (I think) and when I make up, before the wig goes on, I am unable to avoid the similarity to my mother. There's something in the expression in the mouth in particular. My face tends to change with different wigs - and also on different days - but there is always that impression that somehow the face is made out of my mother's. I know, when I was young, I felt if I had been a girl I wouldn't have been excluded by my mother in the way that I was - and that emotion definitely fed into the crossdressing. While that isn't the same as you and your sister, still I have a sense that there might be some common ground there. Kind of "if only I was like that, things would be better".

[Ralitsa]

I don't know if being like one's mother contributes at all to crossdressing, but in many ways I am like my mother. When I was a kid everyone told me I looked exactly like her, but I'm not really sure why they thought that. She has red hair, I have blond; she has a lot of freckles and I don't really; but we both have very light skin and sunburn easily. Maybe it's something about the shape of the face, I have no idea.
But I know we think very much alike. Given the same set of facts we will always come to exactly the same conclusion. She is not overly feminine, nor am I overly masculine, but we are both perfectly comfortable doing whatever needs to be done, regardless of which gender's domain it falls into. But a lot of the "doing whatever needs to be done" comes from my dad also. He utterly rejected the idea that "only men can do this, and women can only do that" sort of attitude.
Then again, I am entirely unlike all my siblings, so I don't know if any of that means anything. Basically I just don't worry about it, I don't expect anyone to do what I want and I feel no obligations to do what they want. I never signed up for their code of preconceptions, so I don't consider myself bound to it. Which isn't to say that there are never any attempts to make me feel guilty, or somehow inadequate, from some people. But I think this is an ENTIRELY HARMLESS activity, any harm that somebody thinks that they suffer because of my clothes is entirely in their own head, it doesn't exist in reality. So they need to deal with that, it's not my issue. I can't solve other peoples problems and I won't try.
I guess I sound rather harsh, but there was some philosopher or psychologist or something who's basic premise was deciding upon the ownership of the problem, i.e. who's problem it really is. So the question is "do I have a problem with my clothes, or does somebody else have a problem with my clothes." I do have some problems with my clothes, but that's mostly about finding a bra that fits correctly. And if somebody else has a problem with my clothes, then that somebody else needs to deal with it.
So that's my opinion on the subject