Let end here and move to a new chapter: "A new hope&quo

[Tiana]

So...
I guess, this is the time...
To stand up, to hope, and to fight, or just simply die.
That is right, let put a period right here, and end the chapter. We will start a new one
So...
Let me tell you what happened in the previous chapter, ok???
...
On Thursday last week, after P.E, I saw my mom car at my school. Of course, I thought that there is something happened to my sister, so I walk away, don't worry about it, but I was wrong.
When I got upstairs, walking almost to the boy bathroom, I heard my school principal call me, guess what???
Enter the principal room, I saw my mom, a Vietnamese translator, and of course, the Principal herself. And yes, I sit down, they were talking about me, they were talking about Tiana's identity.
Sit down, looking confused, I look at everyone face, don't know what to say. Principal told me about the school rumor about I'm a crossdresser, she asked me if that is right or wrong.
I said it was true.
So she asked me, "was it true that the boy saw u wearing girl underwear yesterday while you were changing???"
I started to frighten, but my face remain claim, I said: "Yes"
And she asked me: "why?"
I told her: "I don't know"
Then she go on, she told me about she saw some of my stuff on facebook that i said about how I hate school and the bad word that I said, then asked me if i was in a gang (because I was joking on facebook that I have a gang). After a long talking period, she asked: "So you weren't serious when you said that you were in a gang?" I told her yes.
THen she told me that she read all of my facebook post, and she told me that she saw anger, bad word, but she also see sadness and despair. So after a long talking period, she asked me: "How can we help you?"
I don't know what to say, ofcourse, it just all of the sudden, she told me that im not in trouble, she just want to clarify it and help me. But I was shocked, I just told her I don't know.
The room was silent...
Then I finally tell the principal: "Can I have a private talk with you?"
SHe told me yes, and my mom go outside.
And now, I finally talk to her, I told her about I want to be a girl. She asked me: "Why you want to wear girl cloth?"
I told her: "Because it make me feel different..." I shouldn't have said that, I should have said "Because im a girl stuck in a boy body". But anyway, I was really frighten at that time and i don't know what to say.
She asked me: "Who is Tiana???", and I just tell her: "Well, it was me, i lied about Tiana is my sister". And she just give me a quick chuckle, then she asked: "Do you have anyone who you can talk to?" I told her: "Yeah, my cousin" and she asked: "So how can we help you?", I look at her, frowned, then i told her that I want to have a surgery once i grow up, but i was afraid to tell my parent because it may hurt their feeling. She told me that she won't tell my mom unless I allow her to, too bad, it was too late, principal already told my mom about the post on facebook that I want to have a surgery. But she didn't tell my mom after i told it to her anyway. Then she ask me: "If you really want to have a surgery, why don't you just do it right now?" and I told her: "I can't", then she asked me: "I can find you a counselor if you want" and of course, I told her that I want it. Then she told me how much God love me (yeah, im in a Christian school) and I should be happy with who I am. She said that she won't judge me, it is my choice, and I should remember that whatever i do, God still love me.
Now mom is back, principal told mom that I have something to tell mom but I was afraid to tell her because i dont want to hurt her feeling, and she told my mom that my parent should find a counselor for me. Then principal asked me if i want to go home, i said no, but my mom hold my hand, look confused but tell me that she want me to go home, in her loving voice.
And yes, I have no other choice, I went home.
But that is not it... Now, Im going to face a greater problem: My dad.
SInce I get home, me and my mom didn't even talk at each other, not even a thing. Later, my dad got home, and he call me out for a talk. He was really mad at me, told me that i am a shame of my family, and they yell at me, then he made me open my facebook account and let him read my post, then when he saw me use bad word, he yell at me even more and ground me for 3 hours. Not just that, he ban me from using computer freely and I lost many of my freedom. Well... Im sad and shocked, but im fine with that...
People just don't understand that I want to be a girl... That why I was angry and use bad word when people give me warning for wearing girl stuff. THey don't get it, they will never get it...
...
Back on bed, I want to cry, but I can't. It was 11 pm, im really tired, that is it, now my mom and dad know about it, i dont have a secret anymore, and i was banned from doing many thing. But that is fine with me, because now, I have a new hope, a hope of finding a counselor and make my dream come true.
...
THe next day was a fine day, my parent dont talk about it anymore, and it look like nothing happened. I just go through the day, then get back home and play my ds (it friday) and go to sleep in my favorite girl cloth. I feel a little less shocked, and I have high hope, too.
Everything seemed normal until Sunday. My mom and dad have some stuff to do, they take my sister with them and go outside from 2:30pm to about 5 pm. YAY!!! I WAS REALLY HAPPY , IT IS GIRL TIME !!! Put on the cute girl top, girl short, bra and panties, I spend the first hour going around the house, try to find some girl stuff that is useable. I ended up found my mom old purse, which she don't use anymore, I took it and i also took a pink wallet that have nothing in it. I got some hair pin, a pair of pink sock and some bracelet. Put everything on, I stand in front of the mirror, I look like a stylist teenager girl which a mail man style. I was really really happy , I take many pictures of myself with my phone (I forgot my camera in class) and use it as my phone screen image. To thank my parent for giving me much time alone at home, I do some house chord in girl cloths, singing and being a really really happy girl.
Well, that is not the end of the Sunday story, later in the day, when my parent got home, my cousin come to our house and play. And guess what, she helped me dress up and play with me when im in girl cloth ( i know it dangerous to do it when my parent is at home, but they were talking to guests so I guessed that it will be ok). Suddenly, my dad open the door room and he saw me dressed all up, looking really cute. He was talking on the phone, and he look at me with an angry looking, yell at me: "STOP!!!" and my cousin tried to help me, she told him: "I dressed him up, it my fault". Then my dad don't know what to say, he finally told me to change, but I didnt do it, when he go outside, I just put on my jacket and boy pant to hide it under. Later, when my cousin went home, I go outside, this is the important moment.
Dad told me: "You need to stop"
I told him: "Why???"
He told me: "You are a boy, not a girl!! And I don't accept half boy half girl in this family!!!
I told him: "But dad, how do you know if im a boy"
He told me: "I am a doctor, and I have know u since you were born, I KNOW YOU!!!"
I told him: " Dad, do some research about this"
He told me: "No!!! I don't need to research, as long as you are living in this house, you have to obey me"
I told him: "But..."
He said: "No but!!!"
I said: "why???"
He said: "Because you are not gay!!!"
I said: "But what if i was gay???"
He said: "Then I would take you to a doctor!!! IT JUST YOUR MIND SON!!!! YOU ARE NOT A GIRL!!!"
I told him: "You just don't get it..."
He said: "I don't care!!! I already said it, if you live in this house, you have to obey me, or you will get out of this place".
I told him: "FINE!!! Can i still go to the doctor???"
He said: "YEs"
...
So... I tricked my dad. Well it not really a trick, I just want to go to a doctor to get some support from them. But did you see what kind of person is my dad??? He is not open minded person, he cared about my future too much that he forgot about how I feel. I wished that im not his son, but guess what, I can't change it. It's already happen.
So that is pretty much what happened. Now I am banned from using computer freely, I still can check the forum, just that not as much as i normally can. Im really sad right now, so please help me.

Extra part of the Chapter, which isn't really important.
Yay!!! I finally got some tampon to use , well, ha ha, on Sunday, I used it for the first time, I didn't know what to do with it so i ended up putting the whole thing inside my hole. It hurt, of course, but im fine with that. I didn't found out that I did it wrong until later lol.
On monday, I know how to use tampon now, I first put the top part almost in, then use the bottom part to put the cotton thingy inside then pull out the tampon, leaving the cotton part inside. Heck yes, I know that I should be careful, change tampon every 4-6 hours lol. I know , I will do that.

Kay, other information, IM ALMOST A GIRL IN FULL NOW!!! :D, I GOT GIRL TOP, BOTTOM, PANTIES, BRA, CAMISOLE, HAIR PIN, BRACELET, PURSE, MAKE UP, CUTE HELLO KITTY, TEDDY BEAR, SOCK AND PAD NOW :D I REALLY LIKE MY LOOK WHEN I DRESS UP ^.^, MY COUSIN WILL GIVE ME ONE OF HER NECKLACE THE NEXT TIME SHE COME. ALL I NEED RIGHT NOW IS A WIG, A PAIR OF SHOE AND MY PARENT TO APPROVE ME AS A GIRL

THAT IS IT , thank for reading the long post, please reply, i really mean it, tell me what should i do.

[Absaroka]

Tiana this is actually a very encouraging post in many ways. You seem to have taken some giant steps along a path that will likely be long, but you most certainly do not have to do any of this all at once.

It's absolutely wonderful news that your school principal has been so incredibly supportive. Some of her questions may have been difficult, but this is a difficult subject. Your answers were mostly truthful, which is very important. Remember that sometimes "I don't know" is the most truthful thing you can say. I'd encourage you to use the appropriate school staff as a resource as much as you possibly can. You will need their help. It sounds like the principal could point you to the right people.

Saying something on facebook is tantamount to walking down the street shouting at the top of your lungs. Don't say anything on it you aren't willing for one of your friends to tell someone who tells someone who tells your teachers, your friends, your parents, maybe the police. End of discussion.

Having a transgendered child is difficult for parents. Under the very best of circumstances they have to deal with all the pain their child goes through, which as a parent I can tell you is very hard to do. Also because you are not a small child, if you are a girl or going to become a girl, they need to grieve the loss of their son. It is true that they are your parents and supposed to care for you and support you in becoming who you really are. But they will have major setbacks at best, and may be unable to accept some of this.

I'd strongly urge you to consider using the school principal, find a counselor, and so on. It's good that your father has agreed to let you see someone, even if he doesn't quite seem to know what he's agreed to.

Tampons are made for a specific purpose. I haven't met a woman yet who likes to have to use them, so if you really want to feel like a girl perhaps you could get in touch with your gratitude over not needing them. Also using them in a place completely different from where they are meant to go might lead to problems. I am not a doctor and don't know, but it seems like an area that both mens and womens bodies need to naturally cleanse and not get dried out from having something left in them. If you believe this is important to do at this time, use a sanitary napkin rather than a tampon, it's probably far safer.

Thanks for your post. It is very good news indeed.

[Leeza]

Tiana, I totaly agree with Absaroka on this.

There will be ups and downs. There will good times and bad. That is the nature of life.

When we do things that are not what most people consider norman, others can make it realy rough. It is good that you are getting support from the school.

I think all parents have asperations for their kids. Some parents want their kids to be doctors or lawyers. Others just want their kids to be the best man or women they can be with what ever they decide.

Very few parents are comfortable with the idea that their son or daughter is something other than what they appear to be. For most it is a shock and some never adjust to it. Other parents learn to accept and support.

When you say you want to be a girl, you are asking them to accept the death of a son. I know you don't see it that way but that is the way they get hit. If they learn to accept it they may be able to realize that they gained a daughter. That is something they have to deal with and it is not easy when there is a reminder of the son every time they see you.

Tiana, take your time. Mountain climbers don't run up the mountain. They take thier time and pace themselves looking for and taking the safest routes. They don't want to get into trouble and you don't either by going to far to fast.

Leeza

[Elizabeth]

Hi Tiana,

First you must realize that none of us can tell you what you should do. Each person must decide that for themselves. But we can tell you what we have experienced or witnessed in our lives.

You have shown amazing courage by coming forward and telling people what you are feeling, knowing there would be consequences. I could never have faced schoolmates or school administrators, not to mention your parents. But you also must realize that as a "minor" your parents have extraordinary control over your actions.

They can send you to military school or they can turn you over to the state as "incorrigible", both of which would not allow you to wear girls clothes or have a girl identity.Your dad may very well be correct when he says he can compel your behavior.

You also must remember that he may be feeling ashamed, as if he had done something wrong as a man that made this happen. He may think other men will look down on him as being unmanly for having a son that is really a girl. Give him some time to digest it.

He seems to be a fairly intelligent man. Perhaps you could appeal to his logic. Tell him that while he can compel you to wear boys clothes, he can never change you feel about yourself. You could ask him if he could change his favorite color? He perhaps could tell people he had a new favorite color, but could another color really become his favorite? Unlikely. We are what we are.

That is the message you need to send to your parents. That you do not wish to be disobedient, but you can not change how you feel just because they don't like it. Perhaps in time they will understand. But again, perhaps they won't. You need to know that parents do disown their children over this. I have seen it many times. Don't ever expect that just because someone said they love you, that they will accept this.

Just as you can not help how you feel, remember that your parents also can't help how they feel. And they are just as entitled to their feelings as you are to yours. Try not to make it a war of wills between who is right and who is wrong. No one is right or wrong when it comes to how they feel. But sometimes learning about something can change how we see things.

Also, please don't put tampons where they do not belong. You are putting yourself in danger. Unlike a vagina that has a small finite space, the bowels are much larger and a tampon can be drawn inside to a point of needing surgery to remove it. If you need to wear something like that, wear a pad. You can use it to tuck yourself as well as to give yourself a smooth look. And you don't put your life in jeopardy over something silly.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Tiana]

Thank everyone, I wont put tampon anymore. But back to the main topic

Through this, I learned:
- Cousin, brother and sister are more supportive than friend
- Most of the boy in my class are dumb, they told me that they will be fine, they end up running away from me. Untrustworthy.
- God love me, no matter what
- LET STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR WHAT I THINK IS RIGHT!!!

About my parent, I understand that they are having a hard time. Both of my parent was born in the war time in Vietnam. My dad have to go to work since he was like 5 and he can do lots more stuff than me. My dad is a Buddhism, he is really wise, and he live to help other. I don't know about my mom, she was born in a high class family, but fall in love with a farmer (my dad). She can't do as much as my dad, but she really love me.
Both of my parent are doctors, i think that is why they ashame of this. I don't know why they should be ashame of, I tell my friend straight when they asked me: "Are you a girl?" I will and always say: "Yes". My cousin support me, I dont see the reason for hating it. ANyway, thank for comment

[Carolynn]

Hi Tiana.

You have had an eventful week. As difficult as it has been, it is good that your parents know, that your school administrator is aware, and that you have some support within your family and among your friends. It will likely take awhile for things to kind of settle into place, and you should be prepared to face some difficulties. Friends and family who have indicated support may change their minds and that may feel very hurtful to you. Others who seemed distant may find they are OK with you. But just be ready for things to change. It has been the experience of many of the people on this web site for these kinds of things to happen.

I hope that your parents will carry through and get you a therapist to talk with, and it would be helpful if they would talk to the therapist as well, separate from you. That way both you and they can be open with an impartial advisor.

These are rough times for you, as you are a teenager, a time when all kids your age and older go through periods of trying to find who they are, and your time is complicated by your conviction you are or should be a girl.

As Anthony Simon mentioned in his last sentence in the post preceding this one, you DO seem to be handling your problems realtively well, but you need to keep as clear a head about you as you can. You have a long way to go, and you need the help of your family to get there. I know that as you take one step along your path, all the other steps you need to be you seem to want to come crowding in and rushing you along. Many people have felt this way over the years, myself included. You can control your transition, if that is your wish, but it takes a plan and understanding that you can't just flip a switch and have it done. It just can't work that way. You have to have patience and have a plan. And you have to have people who can help you properly along your way. Really!

Be careful in your interpersonal relations with your classmates and the older people in your school. There are people who may take serious exception to your differences from them. So you should kinda tone it down some at school until you can get some professional help. There are people that would disagree strongly with what you want to do with your life, so much so they would happily hurt you badly. So be very cautious.

You may have seen several posts where "baby steps" were recommended when coming out to those we care about, and this applies to you as well. Just as you do not want to be hurt, you do not really want to hurt your family or friends either, you just want to be yourself. By taking small steps with your family and getting their support, your life will be much better.

I know that you are impatient to be accepted as yourself and allowed to attend school and be at home as you, but you have to have patience and use your intelligence to make this be so without you getting hurt. Please don't force the situation onto your family and friends, and then only with the advise and help of a professional therapist. Remind your family of your need to talk to someone. They sound like they are well educated, and though they may be disappointed they don't have a typical son and fear for you right now, this is a change in their view of you, and it will take them time to learn that you have always been you, just not so forcefully.

Love, Carolynn

[Tiana]

Well, my mom took me to the Medical center to ask for Counselor permission. Well, I will go to a counselor in 2 weeks. I dont know what will happen... I feel both excite, and worry, as well as frighten...dont know what will happen, really...
The problem is, my dad thought that "im the only Vietnamese and will be the first to be a Vietnamese transgender". Which mean i will bring shame to our family. My parent afraid to go to my school now because of that, they are ashamed of my action. My mom got really mad at me and i feel sad. They took all of my cloth away and banned me from wearing it. I dont know what to tell them so i just tell them: "Fine, 5 more year and im done with this". Need some support really. 2 weeks is a little too long from now

[Leeza]

Taina said

2 weeks is a little too long from now

Two weeks may seem like a long time now, but in the course of life it is a very short time. At the least your parents have consented to counseling.

Teenagers (and yes we adults) often think that we need something now when we would be better off to take out time. The fact that things are moving is a good sign.

The problem is, my dad thought that "im the only Vietnamese and will be the first to be a Vietnamese transgender".

I doubt you would be the first. I wonder how many of the TS girls in Tailand are Vietnames.

Tiana, remember baby steps. As you also said you won't be in thier house forever even though at this time it might seem like it.

Leeza

[Absaroka]

I don't know if your dad would be comforted by the idea of TS girls in Thailand being Vietnamese, given what happens there. It might be better not to bring that up.

In societies where being TS is frowned upon there are always folks who are TS who get really good at blending in, and their families keep it a secret. So your dad, on the occaision where he met someone in the old country who was TS, had no idea that this was the case.

It's great that your parents made the appointment. 2 weeks isn't long, you can deal with it even if it seems like a really long time.

Jenny Boylan wrote a really intersting book about going from male to female. She says that the only regret she has about it is the pain that it caused those she loved. This whole situation is very painful for you. But remember that this is very difficult for your family also, even under the best of circumstances. Their anger does not mean that they don't love you, it just means that they are struggling also.

[DonnaT]

Cindy Thai Tai was born Nguyen Thai Tai in Vietnam. In 2005, she underwent sex reassignment surgery at Yanhee Hospital in Thailand. Afterwards she became a well-known singer in her home country, releasing albums in 2006 and 2007.

Hopefully you'll have a good counselor, one that will intercede on your behalf with your parents. One that will suggest to your parents that you be given your clothes back, for your mental health at least.

If the counselor is not well versed with anyone who is transgender, then hopefully they will suggest a better counselor

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid ... 7715338182#

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Coy8AUUACSU

[Kimberly Kael]

The problem is, my dad thought that "im the only Vietnamese and will be the first to be a Vietnamese transgender". Which mean i will bring shame to our family.

I think it's clear that you being the first that's his real concern. As others have pointed out you clearly aren't, but more importantly you think he would feel the same way about you being the first Vietnamese astronaut? That it would bring shame on your family? I doubt it. The real issue here is that he thinks being transgender is something worthy of shame. It's not, but he might not understand that for quite a while yet.

Seeing a therapist is a good step, but just as importantly you should make sure that you continue to excel in whatever you do. If you're a star student and pianist and have strong friendships then it's much harder for your parents to see your gender identity as a problem. If it gets in the way of your studies and other aspects of your life they'll see your female self-identity as a problem to be solved. So keep talking to us here and other people in your life who you trust, but don't let your frustrations with gender take over your life or become the only subject you spend time thinking about.

[Tiana]

im trying my best to let it not go into my study. Yes i did feel sad a little and i often think about being a girl during the lessons. I will get over it soon. My math quiz grade dropped a little too fast. But I will get it right up soon (math is my best and favorite subject. I will focus on study thing right now.
Kimberly Kael wrote

Seeing a therapist is a good step, but just as importantly you should make sure that you continue to excel in whatever you do. If you're a star student and pianist and have strong friendships then it's much harder for your parents to see your gender identity as a problem. If it gets in the way of your studies and other aspects of your life they'll see your female self-identity as a problem to be solved. So keep talking to us here and other people in your life who you trust, but don't let your frustrations with gender take over your life or become the only subject you spend time thinking about.

Well, it is true that this thing affect me, im not a star student, im just a good one. Im good at math but suck at science, i have no F, and my lowest score is 70. Yeah, Im good at piano, it one of the thing i do when i feel sad. I write novel, and it about a boy name Jack, not about a girl name Tiana.
My dad thinks that im a boy, but I dont think so. They thought that im mental. Well, that is ok with me... I go to the doctor on Friday, and when she asked "why do i have to go to counselor" and my mom told her: "He like to wear girl cloth" and the doctor just said: "You feel like you are stuck in a boy body?". Well, to most of American, it normal, but to my parent, they will feel a little different because the doctor already know what happen. They thought that this is a rare case. I have high hope in this... And I will not stop, never.[/quote]

[Absaroka]

Tiana I am glad that you are keeping a positive and determined attitude about this.

[Paula G]

- God love me, no matter what

I have been away for a while so have not been able to pick up on this stream earlier, I am encouraged by your comment that you have learnt that God loves you, no matter what, do you know this in your heart? or because your principle told you?
I am afraid that there are many people who claim to be Christian who will try to condemn you, who expend far too much energy in thier concern for God's will as expressed through dueteronomy and leviticus, forgetting the fundamental of Christianity, - love. God's love is unconditional, total, limitless, and totally understanding. He knew us when we were formed in the womb and loved us, He knew us as we grew, and loved us, He loves us even as we sin, He knows how we are made and who we are, He knows our innnermost thoughts and desires, and yes He still loves us.
For me God's love is a strength, a reasurance; to know that whoever I am, whatever I am, the power that created the stars, that designed the trees, chooses to love me means that basically I must be OK. Yes I know that there are some basic rules that He would like me to follow, like love Him and my neighbour, and maybe in your case a little harder just now Honour your Mother and Father.
When someone loves you it is good to talk to them, so you may find it helpful to spend some time talking to God. Over the years through times of confusion on a number of issues I have spent time talking with God and have found that he does reply, sometimes in unexpected ways, after all I'm here arn't I?
From my Christian perspective I would say that to be happy you need to be the person God made you to be, and if in your case that means being a girl then there is no way way that you will ever be content unless that is what you are. This is not the case for all of us, we are all different, that is part of the miracle of God's creation, I would encourage you to seek God's will for your life and follow the plan He has made for you. Do not neglect the advice and help you can get from others, God sometimes chooses to speak to us in all sorts of ways, through all sorts of people, bit unless you can see the love, it's not from Him.
Be encouraged
Be patient
Be yourself
Be honest

[Tiana]

So, thank for your comment.

one more week till i have the permission to go to counselor.