On Compliments: Giving and Recieving

[Lorna]

We all love to recieve compliments, especially on our appearance. But sometimes, recieving compliments can be a lot easier than giving them.

In many cases when I am giving a compliment, I will eventually feel as if I am putting my foot in my mouth. More often than not I will hear "What do you mean? Does that mean I look crappy every other day?" Or the ever-classic "Get your eyes checked"....

Hearing the latter really grates my nerves on so many levels.

When someone says "Get your eyes checked" after recieving a compliment, not only are they putting themselves down, but it also shows that they can't take a compliment gracefully. I remember surfing in the CD chat on MSN years ago, every time I would tell another CD or a GG that she was pretty, the response would be "Get your eyes checked!"

Today, in a non-related forum I saw one woman post that EXACT response to a man who told her that she was cute. Annoying! :x

What are your thoughts? Do you love recieving compliments? Do you love giving them? Do you know of folks who can't take a compliment? Let's share...


~ Lorna (who promises NEVER to tell someone to "get their eyes checked" after they were nice enough to even give a compliment)

[Beauty]

Hi Lorna,

I do not have an easy time accepting compliments. I wish I saw what others see, but I don't. If I look at one of my pictures too long, I start seeing everything that's ugly.

So, I think of myself as not attractive (though some think that's why my name is Beauty --because I think I'm pretty-- not!) and if someone tells me "you're pretty" I could totally see myself saying, "Yeah right!?!"
Ok, I've actually seen myself say that.

I have also noticed women do, for the most part, automatically push compliments away. Then I follow it up with, "No, I'm serious!" and I tell them why I'm saying that. If they have anything to do with with crossdressers they'd no I was TG'd immediately because of the level of detail I go into.

Ok, that's my feedback!

Beauty

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Hi Lorna (might I say, you look lovely..wink)

I like recieving compliments if I think the person giving them is genuine but I tend not to be receptive if I feel the person has alterior motives.

Does that make some sense?

Great thread BTW!

P.S.- I think that maybe some people feel that they are supposed to be humble by rejecting compliments otherwise they appear vain. Perhaps that is why you were hearing those self bashing phrases. Just a thought.

[Lorna]

I do not have an easy time accepting compliments. I wish I saw what others see, but I don't. If I look at one of my pictures too long, I start seeing everything that's ugly.

Hi Beauty,

((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))

I wish you could see the beauty that everyone else see too, hon. (My jaw dropped the first time I saw your recent pictures) But I can understand how hearing a compliment can sometimes feel awkward at best, because I also do believe that a person will often tend to be his/her own toughest critic.

I tend to be very overcritical of my outfits from time to time, I'll often feel overdressed or underdressed, but then GG friends will gush over my outfits. I'll thank them but then I'll quickly add in how old my boots are, or I'll ask them "are you sure this matches?"

I've even asked the dreaded "Do I Look Fat?" Even if I were 400 pounds, who would say yes? LOL

To me it says that I still know how to put on makeup, even against the elements of Father Time...

I have also noticed women do, for the most part, automatically push compliments away.

This is true. I remember my college years. My friends used to drag me to all of these places to "meet girls" when every single gal in the place was so stuck-up that she told me to F off after I told her she looked pretty!

But I guess that today I understand their point of view. They didn't want every sleazy guy approaching them with cheesy pick up lines and ulterior motives.

I've learned that being sincere is a lot harder than people may think. I guess that's why when I hear a compliment, I'll take it. And I won't ever give out a compliment if I don't mean it. My days of "saying it just to be nice" are behind me.

[Lorna]

Thank you hon! Back at ya...

I like recieving compliments if I think the person giving them is genuine but I tend not to be receptive if I feel the person has alterior motives.

Does that make some sense?

That makes perfect sense. The nature of the compliment definitely comes into play. Unfortunately before my dressing days, I was told to F off by many a young woman no matter how sincere I tried to sound. EVen when I would tell a friend that they looked fine, they would go on - "Are you sure? Are you sure?"

I always thought that paying a compliment would boost one's ego but I have learned that clearly that is not the case...

P.S.- I think that maybe some people feel that they are supposed to be humble by rejecting compliments otherwise they appear vain. Perhaps that is why you were hearing those self bashing phrases. Just a thought.

That's probably what is happening in many cases. I never knew that something as simple as paying someone a compliment could be so tricky!

Thanks for your input, hon.

*hugs*

~ Lorna

[CJ]

Hi all,

To me, compliments are like gifts. I don't wait for special occasions; I don't withhold one when I truly feel it; I stay within the bounds of propriety; I give them freely (the only ulterior motive is that the recipient know that I think or believe this or that about her and that she is pleased by this knowledge); I receive them gracefully (well, I try to, anyway); I turn them down when I feel they're inappropriate or insincere. Also, even though I have caught myself doing this, I try never to go fishing for compliments. It makes others uncomfortable.

I don't compliment someone if I even suspect the only reason I do so is because that person needs an ego boost. I will usually tell a person that I think she's in need of a boost, and then--once my motivations are clear to both of us--proceed to point out positive things about herself she may have overlooked... a ricochet compliment, I guess.

I also try to be specific; "You look great" is okay but, then what? How is the recipient supposed to react to that particular compliment? She's left to figure out for herself what, exactly, triggered the compliment. Last week, I told a cashier in a restaurant that I thought she had beautiful nails (and did she ever!); she accepted the compliment with grace and gusto. She knew she had pretty nails and wasn't about to deflect anyone else's opinion on this. She let me examine her hands more closely, all the while giving me details on just how her nails came to be that way. When she asked me if I "worked with fingernails," I simply replied, "no, as a crossdresser, I'm an interested party." She burst out laughing; I just smiled.

What a compliment also does, is tell the recipient that you're paying attention to her, that you notice her, that she's visible to you, and that you care enough to let her know that. When a compliment is given in the same way as when we're asking someone how they are, without really caring about the answer, I opt out of the whole process. When I ask a person how he's doing, I genuinely want to know the answer. When I compliment someone, I want that person to know that what I say is a genuine response to something about her, her looks, her achievements, her personality, what have you.

I need to work on being able to accept compliments more gracefully, myself. Often, I get complimented on something I don't see as being anything special about me; however, that doesn't mean it's not special to the person complimenting me. Accepting a compliment is an acknowledgement, and an acceptance, of that person's views and attitudes.

Hey, maybe you good ladies can give me some practice here. Whoops! See, there I go again, fishing for compliments!

Love,
CJ

[Kyra]

I admit to shrugging off compliments. I guess it's a combination of shyness and modesty. I don't want to appear ungrateful, and I know that I'm not ugly. I don't think I'm unworthy of compliments either. But, for some strange reason, I have difficulty accepting praise. I know of my shortcomings in this area... and I'm trying to be more receptive. Because of my humorous outlook, I tend to joke around compliments. It helps me to be a little more at ease.

Just my humble outlook.

BTW - I haven't seen an ugly girl on this forum. You're all beautiful!!


Hugs,
Kyra

[Curly(SO)]

I will always accept compliments gracefully, ( 'you look great today'..big grin, and say thank you...CJ! go on, it's really easy!) it can come across as rude if you don't! I love compliments, and if you shrug them off, that person is unlikely to say one to you again. I will always pay a compliment whenever I can, as it can really make someones day, and shows that person that another human being has noticed and appreciated them. Even if it is just 'I like your earrings, they are really pretty, or your nails look great'.
We need more compliments in this world.

Curly(SO)

BTW...interview was V. scary, had three people sitting on the other side of a desk, firing questions and taking notes. I didn't say anything too dumb though! I have to wait till middle of next week to hear if I got the job, so feeling very stressed this weekend (I wore a pink cardigan of Ed's to bring me luck!)

[Alexandra]

I think in most situations a simple "thank you" is all that is needed . . . whether one is uncomfortable with the compliment or suspects an ulterior motive is behind it -- just say "thank you" and change the topic. If you know your complimenter(?) well, then you can go all out in return!

[Beauty]

Hi Curly,

on the new job.

Beauty

[Jamie Ann]

Hi everyone,

     I find it intriguing that many school districts today consider “social skills” to be part of the public school curriculum, and one of those crucial social skills (you guessed it!) is “giving compliments.” Below is a lesson designed for middle-school students — your tax dollars at work!

Giving Compliments

Educational Objective: The student will express a compliment to someone in an appropriate way. Language Arts Standard: Listening and Speaking

     • Identify Need

It is extremely important that the students have been taught the concept of registers and that giving compliments needs to follow the guidelines of levels in order to be appropriate. A student, for example, would not compliment the principal for doing one of the functions of his job. A student doesn't have the qualifications to make evaluative remarks.

It is equally important that the students learn that we compliment people on what they have done, not for something over which they hadn't any control. Compliments are not given for physical features of an individual, such as “You have a beautiful shade of skin.” One may, however, give a compliment about what someone has done to enhance their appearance if you are talking with an friend. For instance, “That color of lipstick really is attractive on you.” or “I like what you've done with your hair.”

Giving compliments of a personal or physical nature to a member of the opposite sex may be misinterpreted as being offensive.

• Introductory Activity
• Define Steps and Sequences of Skill:

1. Look at the person and use their name.
2. Choose something that is appropriate to compliment.
3. Use a sincere tone of voice.
4. State the reason for the compliment. For example, “I like the way you played the game because you used an awesome strategy.”
5. Did the speaker close the conversation by saying “You’re welcome” in response to the listener's “Thank you?”

• Model the Skill
• Role Plays/Classroom Discussion
• Applications: Discuss
• Independent Uses: Write a complimentary letter to someone you admire.

———————————

     Unfortunately, I did not go to middle-school in Contra Costa County, so I am still a real klutz about giving or receiving compliments. All I learned in school was reading, writing, math, science, history, and so forth. All these years later, my ignorance is still hindering me!

     Thanks, Lorna, for a great topic!

[Curly(SO)]

Thank you Julie, that has made my day!

Love,
Curly(SO).