We need to talk

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 1:06 pm

Anthony Simon wrote:

Forcing the issue - that is making her talk about something (The dressing) she doesn't want to talk about - doesn't look like a solution.

Paula G. wrote:

I know I must pluck up the courage and force the issue since for her it will never be the right time

Both these statements seem true to me, and therein lies a big dilemma. My partner and I have problems that both of us really want to work out. We're both willing to discuss them, and have an equal interest in getting them solved. And yet it still doesn't get talked about, because the process can be so stressful that no two people are ever in the same mood to take them on.

It almost has to be treated like a business problem, and that is not a popular way to look at it. But that is what bringing in a third party helps to do. It re-defines it as a problem out in the world, not a hidden one that only two people know about. It also makes it necessary to schedule times to talk about it, and that is also what is needed.

Trying to figure out the right time to bring up an issue on your own is almost impossible, when you get right down to it.

If you bring up scheduling, that has a tendency to bring up the issue itself. That can't be avoided, but it defeats the whole purpose of trying to pick a time when you both might be more prepared to deal with it.

Since my GF has chronic fatigue, she's forced to take the tactic of scheduling. As much as I understand the reasons why, I still find myself starting to argue right then and there. In our case, we just can't do that, and it's really for the best.

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Fri Apr 08, 2011 9:47 pm

Paula, I haven't always been the best to bring up bad topics and finding that right moment to talk either. As you said, it's darn near impossible to do it on your own.

So it takes two to talk. How about a signaling system? You put a note up and it says let's talk about "x" however you want to imply it. And she puts up her note that says she's ready or sets the time... whatever.

Well, you get the idea. You try to work up a way to get the conversation going with a little more control. Sort of make the request impersonal by not doing the request face-to-face.

Not sure this will help, but it's kinda thinking a bit out of the box.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sat Apr 09, 2011 3:13 am

I think that's even better than email, Davita. We try to do it via email, but sometimes even the subject head strikes dread. I know it does for me.

But emailing is a possibility, too. The other person has some time to think and respond--they're not on the spot.

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:28 am

Davita / Anita, those are some very good suggestions. The idea of going back deep into the closet, or carrying on going out but in total conceelment from my wife are quite attractive to the highly developed coward in me, however in my heart I know that on the one hand now the gennie is out of the bag she will not go back in, and on the other hand I would not be happy with the decietwhich I think would be damaging to our relationship.

Things have been a lot better the last few weeks, although I am missing the opportunnity to dress, and we have started to spend a little more timedoing things together. I am more hopefull than I was when I started this stream, but still think we do need to talk, after Easter we should be on a much more settled plain so at that point I think I will send her a message somehow, to make an appiontment to discuss, when she is happy.

Thank you all, as you have been so concerned and helpfull I will keep you posted on any developments.

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Sat Apr 23, 2011 10:06 am

Today is Easter Saturday, so that means that tomorrow my fasts can officially end! YIPPEE, of course there is a serious side to one of my fasts and although I find it difficult I am glad that I have made this commitment not to drink for the Lent period. This is not the time or place to go into all the whys and wherefores of Lenten fasting, enough to say that I am glad that I’v done it, and I am glad that it’s over.

The Mother in Law is coming over for lunch tomorrow so there will be no drunken orgy, just a bottle of wine with Lunch, and maybe a late night glass of malt. It would be dishonest of me not to say that I’m looking forward to that.

My other abstinence (from dressing) was very much for my wife, I have somehow managed to adhere to her request, but now that lent is over I don’t think that I can go on abstaining. On Wednesday I have to drive to Wales for a couple of days and plan to take advantage of the time to dress. I will be spending two nights and one day with my Mother, but the journey time on either side is all mine. I am aiming to have a few hours in Cardiff on Wednesday afternoon / evening and some time on Friday to myself when Paula can be herself, maybe I will look in on Doctor Who, stroll around the shopping centre, or maybe just have a coffee, we’ll have to see. Whatever I am sure it will be a release for a lot of the stress and tension I have been feeling recently.

While not dressing I did not say anything about acquiring more clothes, and I now have a few tunics, a lovely black and white summer dress and a nice white linen floaty (is that a word?) skirt that I am keen to try out. What I actually wear will be dictated by the weather, after a long hot dry spell it has just started raining, so I’m not going to make too firm plans. I shall try to remember to pack my tripod and camera and get some photos.

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Sat Apr 23, 2011 6:23 pm

I like that " I didn't say anything about shopping." Ro gave me one of her fussy comments the other day about all the stuff I have. I told her it's retail therapy; if I can't get out I need to do something. You girl you, Paula: I understand that shopping.

...with my Mother, but the journey time on either side is all mine

So I gather Mom doesn't know. Maybe Mom would be okay with it? Just a thought, maybe if she was in on it, she could at least let you change there for your going and coming. Maybe a future project.

Thank you for thinking about you camera. If you forget the tripod, that's okay, I'm sure you will find a kind person to snap your picture for you and us.

Now, back to after Easter... thinking about how you felt not dressing. Think about how to put that into words in a context the better half can relate to. Also remind her how hard you tried for her, but you can only do so much. And the more miserable you are the more it will "spill over" into every day life for the both of you.

Happy Easter a bit early and good luck in the next few days.[/quote]

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Mon Apr 25, 2011 3:01 am

Thanks Davita, I will do that, as for Mum I'm afraid that she will be 90 in a few monthes and is begining to get a bit confused, adding something like this would just add to her difficulties. She did catch me a coupe of times when I was in my teens but assumed that it was "just a phase". Now that she is old I regret not taking the opportunity to tell her earlier, but was afraid of her disapproval, I can be such a wimp when it comes to maybe dissappointing the people I love, yet in other areas I will just charge in.