A death in the 'not' family...seeking opinions/thoughts/etc.

[Michelle Miller]

I can't remember how much of the backstory to this I've shared with the CDF community here, so here's the Cliffs Notes.

Way back when, in the early 70's, I was born out of wedlock, and due to my biological mother's age and lack of marital status, as well as my biological father's unwillingness to act as a responsible father and spouse to my bio-mom, my identity was changed, and I was adopted by my biological mother's older sister and her husband. I find out about all this later in life, think 'adulthood'...and discover that my bio-father died in a car crash some time in 1983 and that I've got a half-brother that my bio-father had with another woman a few years after I was born.

None of this really bothered me, after I came to understand the circumstances of what brought me to the people I call Mom & Dad, I've long since accepted that if what had happened, hadn't, I probably wouldn't have my wonderful daughter. I still maintain a good relationship with both my adopted mother and my biological mother, in the sense that they both love me, would do anything they could for me, I'm lucky to have them both in my life, and that I can call them both 'Mom'.

This all got pushed back into the spotlight this past week when my biological father's brother was killed in the tornado spawning storms that swept across the southeast USA. He was killed, and his wife was seriously injured, breaking her back and fracturing her skull. She's still in an ICU ward, and their family is in shambles and grief.

There's a part of me that feels I should reach out to this woman and her family, to offer whatever assistance I can, but at the same time, I don't want to upset the rest of her family by popping in and announcing "Oh, hi, I'm your long-lost cousin/relative/etc. Sorry for your loss." to the rest of them in this troubled time.

Now, don't get me wrong, they haven't been a part of my life, ever. I wasn't close to any of them, and I wouldn't know them if I passed them on the street, and the only connection I have to this man who died is a bit of DNA, and the assurance from my biological mother that he was a good man, and tried to convince my biological father to do the right thing, and stick by his newborn responsibility.

What I'm considering doing is sending her a sympathy card, offering whatever assistance I can, mainly consisting of helping her to at least put her family photo albums & pictures back together, via my photo restoration business, at no cost to her.

So, WWtCDFD? Thoughts? Opinions? Snide comments? Anything?

[Anita]

Hi Michelle--
I think they might appreciate hearing from you, and the photo offer would be welcome, even if they don't take you up on it.

They may not know how to react to you, but I don't think they'd be offended by the outreach.

[Anthony Simon]

My instinctive response was "sympathy card", so I agree with that. Then I read the bit about your help with putting their pictures back together...There's a difference between you doing that for people who have no potential connection to you and these guys (not just the money).

Have you thought about the symbolic meaning of what you suggest? Your whole business is (near as I can tell) to do with fixing family pictures. But your family background, on your father's side, remains unfixed? You're not in their picture and they're not in your picture.

That's the sort of powerful symbolism (IMHO) you bring up if you make your offer. I think it's way too much for a first contact. That's also my instinctive response. Anyone in your situation is bound to have all sorts of pent up stuff about your father and you've got to be careful not to release it all at once.

Sorry to get all Freudian on you.

[Absaroka]

send the card

Zari

[DonnaT]

he was a good man, and tried to convince my biological father to do the right thing, and stick by his newborn responsibility.

Well, seems he knew about you, and it's likely others in the family also know.

It may not be under the best circumstances, but I think reaching out to them would be the right thing to do. Depending on their response, then make the offer regarding the photos.

[Rikki]

A card and a short note would go a long way (but not too far) in helping them deal with the loss and pain they are in.

Rikki

[Paula G]

I would think that your idea would go down well, however be prepared for a reaction either way, when peope are under extreme strain they have the potential to hit out for very little reason. If you do reach out now and are rejected allow them time and then try again.

[Leeza]

I agree with Donna.

Leeza

[Michelle Miller]

*small update* I sent her a sympathy card with a couple paragraphs on the inside front cover, "I extend my deepest condolences in your time of loss", "If there's anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask" and a few more things to that effect.

[Absaroka]

Sounds appropriate

[Ralitsa]

I wouldn't bother with it.
Of course nobody has ever accused me of being nice, but if they didn't bother with anything all these years, then what's the point?
If there was no tornado, would you have thought about doing it? If you had been blown up in a tornado would they have cared, or even noticed? I suppose I'm pretty harsh, but I don't think much of "disaster inspired sympathy".
Real sympathy doesn't need a tornado to inspire it.