the down side of out

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Fri Jun 24, 2011 2:26 pm

There is an article in Time about the down side of gay people being out. To sum it up, being out to family and friends when they can accept this seems to make people feel a lot happier. Being out to family and friends who are unable to accept it sometimes makes the person who is out feel worse.

A key word in this is sometimes. Sometimes you have to make a stand even if it means alienating people you love. Other times you say let me pick my battles wisely and take a stand for something else.

I'd also like to stress this is about crossdressing, not something as profound as gender change.

I'd imagine this pertains to us as well.

Zari

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Fri Jun 24, 2011 2:32 pm

Zari

I must agree, my wife hates this gift and barely tolerates it only so long as she sees no evidence. Friends I have told have been much more accepting so much so that two GGs I know want a girly night out with me.

This is not so different to what gay people of both sexes experience I would imagine.

Joan · Post by **Joan** » Fri Jun 24, 2011 4:35 pm

Hi Zari & Susan

From my experience gay persons coming out are respected and tolerated, certainly at work and often with family as well. We have had three gays come out at work, and they have done very nicely promotion wise with no persecution whatsoever.

Equally I am sure that if i dared to utter I am a CD i would be ridiculed, and it would have affected my prospect at work. I do appreciate this may not be the case everywhere.

Joan

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Fri Jun 24, 2011 4:36 pm

I suspect that the angish of being closseted gay is far worse than we CDs experience, however I do think that there is an association. Like Susan, my SO has a very low tolerance level, i.e. she knows but wants no evidence to be seen, the lying hurts me, but the truth would hurt her more, a balance?

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Sat Jun 25, 2011 10:32 am

My Wife has known about my need to crossdress since about 1998, 7 years after we were married. It was traumatic, she equated this breech of trust to having another woman. She is very intelligent, and understands I have this need and tolerates it but I minimize any dressing around her now because It is not pleasant to express this part of who I am around someone who would really rather you don't do it. So there is more under dressing, some buffing of nails, etc.... She is the only one who knows of my crossdressing, unless she has discussed this with any of her friends - girl talk - who knows, but I pick up no indication that her friends know. I NEVER told anyone in my family, my parents are both dead now and never knew. Growing up you learn how to keep it a secret if you want to. A 20 year military career - yes I can remember glossy red toenails in my boots, shaved legs, panties under my uniform, even some well buffed nails! This would have meant an end of my career. I cannot imagin what would happen were I to start dressing openly but there is no doubt there would be great turmoil and all my relationships would change. I am not homosexual, but I would say we would experience similar descrimination by society.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:24 am

Joan do not extrapolate from your experience to the rest of the world. Gay people may be accepted in your workplace, it does not mean they are accepted in all workplaces even in your town.

The article dealt more however with the problems of coming out to family members who may be entirely unable to accept this.

Zari

Joan · Post by **Joan** » Sat Jun 25, 2011 4:35 pm

Hi Absaroka

You right that my personal expereince cannot be extrapolated to the whole world. But in the UK gays are generally well accepted, and good luck to them. Despite this even in the UK there arer pockets of bigotry.

As regards gays coming out to family, my sis in law is gay and married her partner local to here. I can tell anyone (I mean people I know at work & socially) with no stigma.

Joan

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Sat Jun 25, 2011 8:12 pm

I'm still an avid fan of hate groups. What I'm saying is that people will find someone to hate. Gays are maybe less hated in some areas of the world for now. They had to go through a lot of educating the public and getting beat up before people decided that they were just another batch of people.

Blacks went through it all, the orientals during the wold wars, the Muslims. People just love to hate someone. We are just starting to getting our turn at it. As we get more open, and noticed, we get to be hated. If we all survive, then eventually someone else will need to be out and get hated.

It's so sad the world is like this, but it is. We all who don't take up the hate mantra still have to get past all the stupid people and see the other humans and just people like ourselves. if we happened to be the hated ones of choice, then we have that much more to endure and still try to think these haters are just people.

geez I hope I'm not too far off target with this discussion.

Gillian · Post by **Gillian** » Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:09 pm

I agree that in my case life improved once I came out to my SO. I was fortunate enough to have someone who was loving and accepting of my ways. It has been a much happier life now, over the way it was before. I have often thought, why did I wait so long.

JoAnnDallas · Post by **JoAnnDallas** » Sun Aug 28, 2011 2:06 pm

In 2005, I told my wife. At first she was more MAD than anything else. Then we found Tri-Ess and she got to talk with the other SO's. Then my Therapist asked me if my wife would come to a session. Wife and I now go together and it has really helped her. In 2009, I told both of my sisters. Neither have seen me en fem except via pictures. Most of the family now know but don't say anything. We had two grand nieces come out and announce that they are Lesbians. One of them told me that when I came out as a TG and no one reacted horribly that she decided to come out. We hugged and then she made my day and said, "Thank you Auntie".