I wish vs I am

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Thu Aug 18, 2011 7:58 am

Anthony what you are saying all makes perfect sense to me.

I have a bit of a different take on it however. I feel that when I am wearing a dress or something similar I am who I really am. I think that sense of relief, of no longer denying something about ourselves, can for some of us be extremely powerful. But at the same time I have known enough women really well to know that I'm not a woman. So what am I? Quite simply I am a man who likes to wear womens clothing sometimes.

The "man in a dress" gets referred to derisively in a great many contexts, from those who hate the whole CD/TG spectrum, to those who are transistioning and can't relate to us, to those who consider our total lack of fashion sense to be an embarrassment, to those who don't want to talk about the sexual aspect of all this. But this is what I am, a man in a dress. Accepting that about myself is a key to accepting all of myself.

We talk a lot about how we get in touch with our feminine side, be it more nurturing, more emotional, or more manipulative. Mostly we talk about the positive aspects of it, since these are more fun to talk about. For me there is not a masculine me and a feminine me, there is just me, and I've found a way to express most of the positive "feminine" traits such as nurturing or emotionalism in a comfortable male way.

This forum has several shadings of our spectrum here. Some are people who truly need to physically transition from one gender to another. Others just like to wear the clothes now and then. Many are initially at least confused about this.

I posted somewhere a while ago that my "inner woman" is a tomboy. Kind of funny, I think. Often I think that my "inner woman" is really just my "inner child" or perhaps my "inner adolescent"

But that's all just me. I post these things because I want to make it clear that the spectrum is huge.

My name here, Absaroka, as well as it's diminutive of Zari (the s in my name is pronounced as a z) is non gender specific by the way, which is one of the reasons I chose it.

Zari

Ralitsa · Post by **Ralitsa** » Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:42 pm

It's interesting what Anthony (can we call you Toni, at least?

) says about some part of the person disappearing, but another part that is normally hidden finally being shown. But does this not happen in many ways in life, depending on circumstances? For example, I can be the wood-cutting, cow-milking, deer hunting guy when with certain people, but I am also the college educated, scholarly, cosmopolitan in other conditions. They seem to be contradictory, but they are just different pieces of who I am. Wearing a dress or a skirt doesn't make me anything different, maybe it highlights certain aspects of who I am, probably it makes people see me differently, certainly if fulfills a need that I have to see myself in a desirable way. I think that aspect of it is closer to the truth for me than anything, I take to myself those things that I find attractive, and try to make it part of me, or to make me a part of it.
Is it similiar, that Anthony has certain fond associations with his mother or aunt, and desires to become that himself, or to recreate in himself a part of it? (I used the male pronoun here because you refuse to take up a female name

) Probably this is a really common function of the human psychology, and it is just manifested in a somewhat different manner than most people consider.
At least that is how I feel. When people ask me why do I wear a dress, to me it's obvious: I like beautiful women, I like to look at them, I like to be around them, why should I want to be like them as well? How many guys wear jerseys of some sports team, or wear cowboy boots and hats though they've never seen a horse, or wear camo fatigues and buzz their hair, or wear black leather biker jackets and boots? So how are we different than that? I find it much more palatable for someone to want to emulate a beautiful women than an overweight biker dude.
We all put on ourselves the costume of how we want to see ourselves, maybe I am crazy for wanting to see myself like a beautiful woman instead of like John Wayne. So what then, I'm crazy. This doesn't make me a woman, I'm still a guy in a dress. But a guy in a dress is much less pathetic than Joe the plumber pretending to be Rambo. (my apologies to any Joe's who are plumbers here)
I'm really happy about being a guy in a dress, I like so many things about it I will probably start a new topic for it.

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Fri Aug 19, 2011 1:07 pm

Ralitsa wrote:I take to myself those things that I find attractive, and try to make it part of me, or to make me a part of it.

A bit like buying a picture, or a nice but useless piece of furniture. This fat biker dude kinda likes this, I'm sure that a part of my dressing is about an expression of elegance, if not actual beauty.

Ralitsa · Post by **Ralitsa** » Fri Aug 19, 2011 4:51 pm

I hope you didn't take my stereotyping too seriously, Paula. Quite often I make drastic statements, and I don't mean to criticize anyone, just to make a point. My point is only that I don't see any difference, philosopically, between bikers, cowboys, crossdressers, or weekend warriors.
I don't see myself as trying to be something that I'm not, (a woman) but rather someone admitting to be who they really are: a guy who likes to emulate women. I agree that it's something like buying a picture, it's showing an appreciation for the beauty or a desire to attain elegance.

April Rose · Post by **April Rose** » Fri Aug 19, 2011 10:53 pm

I chose the name April Rose to post on this site. I've come to think of myself that way. I spend about 60% of my time dressed as a man and 40%
dressed as a woman. If i could reverse that, I think I would be perfectly content.

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 2:53 am

WHen I am out and about on a bike everyone finds it natural to see me wearing leathers and boots, when I'm working in gardens nothing is more natural than that I should wear brown jeans and cord shirts, when performing music it is expected that I woudlwear a dinner jacket etc., so it should be reasonable to expect me to wear a dress when I lunch....

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Sat Aug 20, 2011 9:30 am

Ralitsa wrote:It's interesting what Anthony (can we call you Toni, at least? ) says about some part of the person disappearing, but another part that is normally hidden finally being shown. But does this not happen in many ways in life, depending on circumstances? For example, I can be the wood-cutting, cow-milking, deer hunting guy when with certain people, but I am also the college educated, scholarly, cosmopolitan in other conditions.

I think there's a difference between something being hidden and just not being specifically shown at the time. I mean it's a difference between accentuating one part at a specific time and another (or the other) at another - and kind of denying that bits of your personality exist at specific times. (I'll deal with the bracket at the end of the post.)

They seem to be contradictory, but they are just different pieces of who I am. Wearing a dress or a skirt doesn't make me anything different,....

But the thing is, you are quite open, in a social way (at least in much of your life) about being a guy who likes to dress up. So for you there isn't much hiding going on. And I admire you for this (and doubt I could get way with it). But for a large majority of CDs, the hidden, secrecy thing is a big part of what goes on.

...maybe it highlights certain aspects of who I am, probably it makes people see me differently, certainly if fulfills a need that I have to see myself in a desirable way. I think that aspect of it is closer to the truth for me than anything, I take to myself those things that I find attractive, and try to make it part of me, or to make me a part of it.
Is it similiar, that Anthony has certain fond associations with his mother or aunt, and desires to become that himself, or to recreate in himself a part of it? (I used the male pronoun here because you refuse to take up a female name ) Probably this is a really common function of the human psychology, and it is just manifested in a somewhat different manner than most people consider.

Yup. I look at a woman and go "Wow she's lovely, I wish I could be like that". But at the same time I'm also thinking she's a bit of a turn on and etc. And it's difficult to know which takes primacy - like I can be studying someone's eye makeup and find that I'm thinking she's attractive. For a long time I hero-worshipped my mother - which is the very definition of finding her someone I wanted to be like. With my aunt, the fondness definitely makes me want to emulate her. I just think she was a really worthwhile person. But there's another aspect to this. If Zari's inner woman is a tomboy, I used to think that what I am is a kind of tomgirl - that is to say I wanted to be a girl, like some girls want to be boys. But very, very few of those girls actually have sex changes....

At least that is how I feel. When people ask me why do I wear a dress, to me it's obvious: I like beautiful women, I like to look at them, I like to be around them, why should I want to be like them as well? How many guys wear jerseys of some sports team, or wear cowboy boots and hats though they've never seen a horse, or wear camo fatigues and buzz their hair, or wear black leather biker jackets and boots? So how are we different than that? I find it much more palatable for someone to want to emulate a beautiful women than an overweight biker dude.

I guess that's like saying that people are people first rather than men or women first. So then you get to choose from both sexes which people you emulate.

We all put on ourselves the costume of how we want to see ourselves, maybe I am crazy for wanting to see myself like a beautiful woman instead of like John Wayne. So what then, I'm crazy. This doesn't make me a woman, I'm still a guy in a dress. But a guy in a dress is much less pathetic than Joe the plumber pretending to be Rambo. (my apologies to any Joe's who are plumbers here)
I'm really happy about being a guy in a dress, I like so many things about it I will probably start a new topic for it.

Well John Wayne was an actor - he was in costume all the time. So you'd just be borrowing his clothes, as it were. And who was he really under there? I don't know, I think the key thing is to be happy...

(About the stuff in the brackets...I have played around with all sorts of names. From girl's names to very silly boy's names to names that don't really mean anything and are sillier still. Toni is one of the names I thought about without any great interest. Nothing seems to stick. But the one I have will do.)

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sat Aug 27, 2011 9:12 am

It's probably important to remember that for many of us, it's not a wish to be a woman but a wish to be what we think a woman is. It's not always the same thing, and from knowing a lot of women quite closely (wife, daughters, friends, sister, mom) I'm pretty sure that for me at least the two are different things. I think that's what separates folks like Carolynn and Kimberly from folks like me. Since they in fact are women and were even before surgery and hormones, they did not have that dichotomy. Carolynn for example knows something very few in society are allowed to know, i.e. exactly what it feels like to be a woman with a mans body.

Zari

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Sat Aug 27, 2011 2:55 pm

Well, there are other variants too. I remember having a "baring (?sp) our souls" type conversation with a woman jazz musician where I said "I think I'm a man inside" (with the subtext "I'm not absolutely sure") - her reply was along the lines of she didn't know what gender she was inside.

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Mon Aug 29, 2011 8:11 am

I believe there are parts of my personality that are feminine, and women have validated this for me without their knowing that I feel that my gender is indeed partly female. A nurse assessing my wife told me when my mother in law was present with my wife - "woe...you don't really have any standing in this family" (because my mother in law wants to be in control) - I was just enduring and letting her because she is crazy and would be going home, and I would rather not have her screaming at me. That nurse actually defended me and told her I have to manage our household (my mother-in-law is NOT part of it) and that she needed to back off. During other visits this Nurse made statements I cannot recall but had to do with who wears the pants, and noting I was rather passive. My older sister who does not know about me either has noted that I am not aggressive, that I do not take charge, that I am too passive, not a leader. I can't recall specifics but that's basically it. My personality does not really change when I am wearing a dress and feeling feminine - I just have these traits that are not typical of a strong masculine personality - though I can rise to the occasion if angered or the situation calls for it. In the military as an officer I could not confront people and chew asses - it is just something that is not in me. Hence I was passed over twice for promotion probably because of that. I do not take charge, take names and kick asses. I find it hard to enforce policies but I did have limits and did over the years do some verbal counseling and writing up people for egregious and flagrant breeches of standards and policies. I am lucky I was picked up with a contract to finish my 20 years and retire because of my masters degree probably. I was and am quite punctual, and dependable and I do work hard.

I have named my female self Anne because I believe or feel that I am partly female thats all. But en drab I go by my male name. Around the house my wife does not call me Anne or use feminine pronouns in referring to me.

I do not have multiple personalities, there is not an alter ego or personality switch when I am wearing dresses, etc - I am the same person.

I believe my personality reflects or fits where my gender appears to be, there are very strong feminine females, and very strong masculine males and variations between the two. Our gender is different from personality, a weak male can still be a male gender (not even thinking about sexuality here which is still another topic) but I believe because of what I feel or believe to be my mixed gender I see what can be considered consistent feminine personality traits which seem to match up with what I believe to be a partly feminine gender - not sure this is valid - I suppose it is all in how we choose to see it.

Those who take on exaggerated feminine mannerisms, and start talking in a falsetto voice - in my mind are play acting and are not being genuine. We are who we are....