hard times?

[Angela Newel]

My wife and I just began what will likely be a long hard road to a mutual understanding (I hope) of what crossdressing is to me. We have always had a hard time discussing sensitive issues. We are now writing letters to each other. I don't know if this is a great idea or not, but it allows us to express what we feel with out having to hold back. We know this is a brutally honest process but we need it. I hope I'm not being to naive.

[CharLee]

Angela,

I used the same approach with my wife and was brutely honest in my letter telling her of my need to dress. Although it is a bit embarassing to bare your soul, to tell her you want to be a woman or dress like one, it releives you of the constant pressure of having to hide your feelings.

By writing a letter explaining your needs and desires, it gives her time to digest what you have written without you having to answer all her questions immediately. After she reads the letter then you can sit down and have a long heartfelt, calm and honest conversation about it. Listening to her concerns and fears, and explaining your needs. Then, hopefully, you can come to a compromise that will satisfy both of you, but always keeping the lines of communication on the subject open so if a " bump in the road " arises you can discuss it without negative reactions.

But keep in mind your crossdressing impacts the both of you and you must, and I repeat, MUST, listen to her concerns and understand her feelings. If your relationship is strong and based on love you should be able to withstand any storm that comes along.

I wish you and your wife well and that you will be able to come to some agreement you both can live with.

[Absaroka]

Be careful with the brutal part of brutally honest. My experience is that I sometimes use the truth as a doomsday weapon. It will be important to remember that you are doing this with someone you love deeply, even though there have been times that her attitudes have made parts of your life uncomfortable.

Zari

[DonnaT]

What ever means of communication works, then have at it. I've suggested couples do similar communication as you and your wife, especially if the talking tends to drift of course, or, as CharLee noted, you need to keeps your thoughts in order.

Hope y'all can make good progress.

[Carolynn]

I hate to put a downer to an otherwise supportive thread, and it may be entirely unnecessary, but the written letters make wonderful ammunition in the divorce for the spouse if there is no solution to the confrontation. And even better blackmail fodder.

I think i prefer verbal communitcation within a structured environment to cut down on the drifting off topic or the blame game for that reason. I.E., get a marriage couselor to be referee, though it can be degrees more difficult to talk about the cding problem with a stranger in the room. There might also be more important issues other than CDing that can come out if the marriage is troubled.

Just sayin'.........

Carolynn

[Ralitsa]

We are all hoping for the best for you Angela, whatever the best may turn out to be. I am not qualified to give any sort of advice, but I will anyway, and say that it is my belief that crossdressing is not usually the real issue. Certainly in my case it wasn't, although to this day I still don't know what the real issue was (maybe that's it ).
So if I would say anything, it would be that you should really try hard to find out what the issue is for her, and to understand what she wants. The ladies here have identified a lot of things that spouses are concerned about, from feeling like you will be prettier than she, to fearing that you're gay, and most commonly being worried what the neighbors will think.
Hopefully things turn out fine, and we are always here to talk to.

[Anthony Simon]

I don't know if this is a great idea or not...I hope I'm not being to naive.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into what you wrote, but these two bits of your message sound like you're not overkeen on the idea. Is it that it's your wife's initiative and you're just following that? In which case you might be opening yourself up to a lot of flak without getting a whole lot back.

Given that I agree with the stuff about brutality, do you have a some other preference for breaking the logjam (I assume the relationship is stuck)?

[Anne Bonny]

We were 7 years into our marriage with two boys. I could no longer contain this part of who I am. I also used a letter to break the ice. It was a difficult period because of all the questions, fears, the breach of trust hiding this was a lie and I was also the other woman.... It took time but I would do it again, we are still happily married, we love each other and I no longer have to hide, I recently told my older son though I have not dressed in front of him, will wait until my other son is 18 or more before I tell him. Coming out is walking through a mine field requiring much care and thought but it is worth it.

Reading the other comments, I would add love is the main thing, and trust. Another is that she know that you are the same person she fell in love with and married. If she lays down rules abide by them within reason. If she states that you cannot dress ever - you will have to find a way to do it when she is not around and secure your clothing, you may have to keep things in a lock box, and only do it when you travel. You may have to find another wife as well, in which case writing a letter is a huge risk if it may be used in court. I would only be honest about myself, absolutely no fault finding or critisism of my wife - that would be like saying "Your ugly, your breath smells, you dress funny and I am not so sure about your ancestory!!!!!"

[Absaroka]

Excellent point about honesty. It needs to be expanded to include not saying things like "I'll be honest, my personal feelings are that you're ugly"...a game I've used far too many times.

Zari