How do we come out of the closet?

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 9:56 am

I believe the first step is self acceptance that we are indeed transgendered. Genetics, Environmental influences whatever this is never going away - and if the mighty being zaps me like a gnat in a bug zapper then this cinder is going straight to eternal separation and eternal torment because this is who I am. Actually God did predestine the elect and works with their heart through irresistable grace while those not in the elect he consigns to hell he does not work with their heart - that is the perogative of the creator and we can do nothing but accept it, and probably most of mankind will never accept God - if you are worried about it then you are in the elect - so stop worrying. (this is a personal belief but to each his own I make no judgement of other faiths). We have to face that fact - oh I suppose perhaps with ECT (electric shock therapy) along with personality and memory and a damaged brain our proclivity to be women may be erased as well, or perhaps with drugs, or perhaps even if they find what part of the brain to amputate - but I am who I am because I do not believe in any of those atrocities - as lady Ga Ga sings on occasion "I was born this way!"

The next step is telling another living soul that we are transgendered instead of keeping this secret to ourselves. Now some may just jump out there all at once - damn the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! (Shakespeare or some anonymouse author). But I assume better than half of us are like those hermit crabs who come out only very gradually when we figure we are safe. Many of us like in that movie The End with Dom DeLuise, and Burt Reynolds in the 70's do not like pain! (Reynolds was told he had a terminal illness and decided to kill himself but wanted to find a way to do it that wouldn't be painful!) We do not want to experience pain either - emotional, physical, the loss of jobs, futures, friends, families, the eternal scorn of most people. but once we have told our most trusted confidant we have opened that door.

When we yearn to breath free we begin to desire telling others, stepping out that door, waving at our neighbor, etc... Here I am world! (You're gonna make it after all..." Mary Tyler Moore. I suppose this is where I am. On the cusp of doing it. Sitting here feeling all comfortable and feminie in my ladie's attire as the feminine tide is running in my spirit today - tomorrow I may be in grubby male mode mowing the lawn - such is our life as two spirited people as the Indians call us. On the precipice of a cliff, or standing at the beginning of a path of an exhilerating adventure here I am. Now for the how and when. Slings and Arrows! Our fear holds us back there are very real rewards and consequences for us. Truth or Consequences! (old game show). This is the deep south, and not very cosmopolitian - many around here still look like people out of Dueling Banjo's - "Squeel like a Pig!!!" reverbarates in my head. But at least I am retired and self sufficient - my broker doesn't care, the government cheese as I call my government retirement check will come too unless the country falls apart too. Oh well, time to shut up Anne Bonny my 18th century name sake who lived a life of high adventure on the high seas as one of two famed crossdressing female pirates. I suppose Damn the Torpedos! Hurricanos Rage! Blow! Blow winds and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow! I am strong enough the pain is worth it. We will be over joyed and thrilled to our core when those who trully love AND accept us for who we really are tell us with a smile of acceptance "It's not a big deal, It doesn't make any difference to us, we love you just the way you are!" (That's like Bridget Jone's Diary - cute movie and sequel).

Ralitsa · Post by **Ralitsa** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 2:01 pm

I don't have quite such a dramatic reason. I came out of the closet because it was cramped and stuffy in there, and I was getting hungry and thirsty and wanted to go out to dinner in my new dress. So I did.
At some point trying to keep it contained, trying to manage who knows and who doesn't, what you can wear going where and where you can go wearing what, just becomes too troublesome. Eventually some rumors and suspicions will arise, then you either have to deny it, which implies and admission that it is wrong, or you admit it and deny there is anything wrong about it. Since I really believe there is not a thing wrong with it, then why should I deny it or hide it? I can't imagine that God cares about whether I wear a dress. It seems like He should have slightly more significant things to concern Himself with. The rest of the world really should concern themselves with more important subjects also. Of course where I live in northern WI, the only other subject to talk about is fishing, so if the fish aren't biting then we have to look to the local CDers for entertainment. So I provide them a valuable service, otherwise we would have to wait for a blizzard to come and add some excitement around here.

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Thu Oct 20, 2011 6:14 pm

That's hilarious! And helpful at the same time thank you very much
Signed, The Drama Queen:)

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:31 am

Since you seem to think God has made up His mind in advance (not something I entirely agree with) just do it. If God is for you, then who can be against you?

Personally as far as God and clothing, I think Jesus would ask when we saw someone who was naked, did we offer them our dress.

Zari

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Fri Oct 21, 2011 9:58 am

Hi Zari,

I have no issues with who I am, and dressing. I was struggling with this a while back as well is wondering if I had hurt my wife in some way but that is over. I believe part of this is genetic and because it is God made me this way, and because in heavan there is neither male nor female, greek nor jew, slave nor free what is important is in my heart. All of us have our own beliefs and I certainly respect everyone's personal beliefs without judgement which is in my belief system reserved for the Diety. No If my church knew they would quickly leave me to myself which is fine. And If in the end I am not in God's chosen - so be it. But I know my own heart and do not believe it is in conflict with God and that just like most all of society most christians do not understand us and automatically want to believe we are sinning. What they do not acknowledge is our genetics, and the environmental factors we were exposed to. What are they to make of people with ambiguous genitalia, and the very same transgendered nature? If we are cinders - so be it. God is sovereign and is free to do as he wills. I had to take this on faith it is hard to accept. It is the same way with suffering - who are we to question God and why he does things?

Perhaps I have been too open with who I am if so I apologize for that. This is another contradiction I suppose. We are all free to believe and think whatever I suppose I shared it because it has some influence on who I am.

Yes, we can offer our dress to cover someone's nakedness, though the typical male will probably wad it up and hold it over the strategic areas - that's fine - we are all made differently.

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Fri Oct 21, 2011 4:57 pm

If you believe that this is something we are rather than something we do then I say.
"God doesn't make mistakes, therefore I am meant to be like this"

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Sat Oct 22, 2011 8:06 am

Hi Paula, Exactly my point, that is how I see it. As a believer you can never be too confident how Jesus or God would judge us. That bug Zapper analogy is stuck in my mind - I like it, they say the fear of God is the beginning of understanding in our faith....

It is something we do because this is who we are. "I was born this way God - zap me if you must." There is nothing I can do about who I am inside, but God knows my heart, and I do too. I believe God judges our heart and not who we are. Because God is Love. Every day I must work out my short comings, the gospel is something every believer tells theirself every day as we work out our sanctification perfection is not possible for us. Too much on that, this is not a topic for this site.... Sorry.

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Sat Oct 22, 2011 9:30 am

We may get moved to hot topics.........If we were born this way then this is the way God made us.

PersoanllY (and this is just MY belief about ME) I don't think I was born this way, but I do believe it got hardwired into me at a very early age. My feelings aren't about to go anywhere and I am not ashamed of them.

Zari

Gillian · Post by **Gillian** » Sat Oct 22, 2011 9:49 am

God doesn't make mistakes, but mistakes happen all of the time. I believe that people are meant to be unique, yet within the very nature of people is that sense of conformity that wants to place those unique people into boxes. Religiously speaking, the Pharisees were all about rules, and that is conformity to me. Much of the christian church today is also about rules, and Paul in Galations warned the church about the pit falls and problems of getting into legalizm. Christ left us 2 laws, and they were both about love, and love is supposed to cover the mulitude of sin, yet that doesn't happen in churches that are all about rules.
Personally I think that we can have a reasurance of how God will judge us, just read the bible with an open mind. Don't judge others, or you will be judged. By the same standard that you judge others, you will be judged by that same standard. 1 Peter tells us that God is looking for a peculiar people for himself, and I think that being unique, or peculiar is an important quality to have in this world. How boring would it be if we all drove around in white Chev Impalas, while wearing jeans and black teeshirts. YUCK!!

Ralitsa · Post by **Ralitsa** » Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:53 pm

a Chevy Impala

in jeans and black t-shirt. EEEEWWWWW, how gross.

You should be banned for using language like that, Gillian

Of course the religious people will tell you that being born this way isn't an excuse, that everyone is born with certain temptations and by overcoming these desires to sin we prove that we are good enough to go to heaven. And that's why they are going to heaven and I'm not, because they are so much better than me. Actually I would rather go to Canada fishing anyway.
What I think is the most funny about that whole situation, these people who don't want to let any sinners come to their church are forgetting that it is the whole point of going to church. In making it some kind of social club, they are directly contravening EVERYTHING that Jesus ever said, and then they claim to be such good Christians. So now that I have just made the same mistake of passing judgement on them and doing exactly what I faulted them for, I think it's a good time to go back to the original subject.
Why did I "come out of the closet"? A big part of it was the acceptance that I got from my parents. Before that one filed for divorce, she made some really nasty and absolutely untrue allegations against me. Her justification for this was because I'm a crossdresser, I must also be homosexual, a pedophile, a drug dealer, and plotting to murder her. It seems like I must be exagerating here and you all know that I have a tendency for that, but this is completely true now. I can't even guess how she came up with that and won't risk damaging my brain to try. Anyway, my parents were great. After that I decided that I would refuse to be embarassed about it. If she thought she could blackmail me with this secret, then I would eliminate that threat by making it public knowledge and rejecting any guilt about it.
I won't say that it happened instantly, and that I've never felt some apprehension or fear about it. I still sometimes feel like I need to hide some part of it from some people, in particular at work. At work, the fear is mostly about losing my job, and that is a risk I really can't take. I have some friends and family that are not comfortable with it, and out of respect for their feelings I don't push it too far around them. They don't make a big deal about it if it isn't too obvious, so I wear pants and shirts that are kind of ambiguous. Since I'm gone somewhere most of the time, I have plenty of opportunity to wear what I really like, anyway it's not practical to wear expensive dresses every day.
All in all, it was a pretty difficult way to get where I am, but now that I'm here I really like it quite a lot.

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Mon Oct 24, 2011 7:35 am

Not everyone becomes an alcoholic, or compulsive gambler...there is something there that when tripped like that switch we sometimes talk about that places us beyond the point of no return. Something in the genetics which makes us more susceptable or vulnerable, my lack of control with food - and yet...I believe crossdressing is something more than that?? perhaps I am wrong. There are also environmental influences, our experiences, the ghosts of our upbringing parental and other voices which live on in our heads and tend to make us do things which are similar to insanity, but usually good in the balance.

Speaking from my faith again.... Man is totaly depraved, demented (due to the fall of man - sin) and completely incapable of even turning to God on his own (even our best motivations are always evil or tainted) but God works in the heart of his chosen (unconditional election) and through Irresistable grace (of the Holy Spirt) working in our heart over time we come to a saving faith. There is nothing that man can do on his own to earn salvation which is why Jesus who was fully man and fully God lived a perfect life and God allowed his undeserved death to become the only mediator between man and God (For it is by Grace that you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast Ephesians 2:8-9. Hence in my belief system and faith we are completely incapable of doing anything on our own to obtain salvation which is the reason Jesus allowed himself to die. By his stripes we are healed. God loved us and gave himself to save us, knowing that most of mankind would still reject him before he created us. This is why I have to continually examine myself and tell God that I am sorry for my failings, and through faith He forgives us if our heart is in the right place. Daily we hope to follow the will of God as best we can but we never will hence our need for Christ - there is no sin so great that his death can not cover it. - Any way this is the correct christian doctrine. Works which come from a changed heart may be a mark of a true christian, they may be very good but they count for nothing, because we are saved by Grace through Faith alone.

Sorry...enough of that.

Over 45 years I have been incapable of changing who I am. I cannot abstain, purge, or do anything to change the fact that I am what I am - a transgendered person. Abstaining only leads to a powder keg which daily grows larger until it explodes, sometimes desire can leave to crossdress, perhaps for several years - but it has always returned, and thoughts are there throughout every day. I have to come to the realization that wearing clothing, and feeling feminine in an of itself harms no one. I cannot change how society judges us or misunderstands or hates us, they are simply wrong. Are women evil? are they bad? Then how is my being somewhat like them evil or bad? If I hurt other people or do things that I know in my heart are wrong or hurtful of others that is because I am not perfect and know I only hurt myself if I do such things. I still remember things I have done even in childhood that I can never undo and still regret and wish I could put right - but I imagine people I have wronged have probably moved on and forgotten about particular things like that, and may have even forgiven me?? But given the opportunity I would tell them that I am sorry, I have already been forgiven but that does not releive my grief over things I have done, but Jesus has forgiven....

Ralitsa, I also tend to alter the way I dress for such reasons as you stated. I would have been immediately discharged from the service losing my retirement, I feel certain my parents would never accept this while I knew they would always love me no matter what - that is how our family is. My sisters...very conventional. My wonderful wife I wish I could restore her mind to her, we fight daily to slow down the slow decline of her dementia, my sons.... but we can find friends, and locations that are tolerant and that even accept us as passe and there we are free to simply be who we are in whatever clothing we choose to wear.

On Churches - just remember that a Church is not the building but the people in it and that people and doctrines are not perfect and just like the rest of society are set in their conventional ways, even thought many people in society are open to change, are accepting and understanding - society is afterall alot different than it used to be - we no longer brand criminals or crop their ears and noses or crusify or stangle people or burn those at the stake who commit crimes or don't believe what we believe. In the 50's most women were stuck in their traditional role but they've come a long way baby.

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Tue Oct 25, 2011 2:13 am

Over a year ago I decided to come out to a GG friend of mine, I knew she was quite open minded, and not in touch with many of my other friends. When I got to see her I found that she had enough problems of her own and thought that it would be unfair to add my problems, oh yes and O was nervous / afraid, so the subject stayed hidden.

With hindsight I was right to wait, but yesterday I did it, I came out to her, it was great to tell some one, and enjoy being Paula in the company of my friend, I have written more here http://paula-paulasplace.blogspot.com/

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:21 am

I agree Paula, we have to be sensitive, we have to practice judgement.

Lydia · Post by **Lydia** » Tue Oct 25, 2011 10:45 am

In answer to the subject question: CAREFULLY !
I came out to my SO when our relationship started to get serious. I was scared I’d lose her, but she took it very casually, and has been helpful, understanding, and loving.
After careful consideration I came out to a neighbor lady, and to a close friend of Paula’s (my SO). Both turned out to be very good decisions. But much thought and preliminary chats went into these decisions. I well know that there are some acquaintances to whom a revelation would come as a shock, and a be social disaster.
We as CDers are just beginning to be recognized as not dangerous perverts - even by many in the gay community.

Hugs,

Lydia

Anne Bonny · Post by **Anne Bonny** » Tue Oct 25, 2011 12:48 pm

Thanks Lydia, I would like to do the same, what kind of things did you take into consideration, how did you approach opening up to two of your close friends?