45 years of marriage ended today I believe

Rony · Post by **Rony** » Fri Dec 23, 2011 9:04 pm

Tonight my So asked me why I wear womens underwear (panties).
She said you have 10 minutes to answer or your out of here.
So! I said I'm a CD, the first time I've ever said it out loud.
She said either all that stuff goes or you do.
I'm at a lose.
I've provide a good income, sure 20 years in the military and I wasn't home alot.
2 tours in VN.
four years ago I had Vascular surgery, 90% blockage, then 2.5 years ago 9 stents. I started wear more often, realized my own mortality.

I'm at a lose.

Ronnie

Post by **KimberlyS** » Sat Dec 24, 2011 1:54 am

Rony I am sorry to hear you have been given that ultimatum. My guess she is feeding off of a bunch of miss information about what and who a CDer is. I hope you can open up lines of communication.

Post by **DonnaT** » Sat Dec 24, 2011 5:49 am

So sorry to hear that Ronnie.

I wonder what set her off in the first place?

The thing is, she can't throw you out. So I suggest you don't leave on your own. Instead offer to go to couple counseling if she won't listen to reason.

Erica S · Post by **Erica S** » Sat Dec 24, 2011 8:56 am

Rony,

Sorry to hear this.

Hugs,

Erica

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Sat Dec 24, 2011 12:55 pm

I've never been married so I don't know, but...

This is a hell of a stunt to pull a couple of days before Christmas. I mean if you can imagine companies letting their employees go at this time of year - that always strikes one as exceptionally callous. But here it's your wife who's (notionally) supposed to care about you. All I can say is it shows her in an extremely poor light - doesn't matter about the CDing.

My personal opinion is she's trying to bounce you into something and you should hold your ground and see what she comes up with next. Try not to let her fluster you, because that's what I think she's about (or why do it at Christmas when it hurts more?).

[Edit: Added later] Part of the reason it strikes me as a stunt is the business about you have 10 minutes to answer. This is reminiscent of the high-pressure sales technique where people try to get you to make a decision immediately - i.e. without thinking. Like bounce you into a decision you later regret or wouldn't come to otherwise.

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Sat Dec 24, 2011 1:45 pm

You have my sypathies, this is very bad news and I feel for you. As ussual Donna talks sense, if you can talk explain you are the same person you have always been, there is just this one aspect of your behaviour she didn't know about before, but that it is part of what makes you the person she fell in love with.

I hope and pray that yu will find a way through this.

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Sat Dec 24, 2011 6:24 pm

Paula G wrote:... if you can talk explain you are the same person you have always been, there is just this one aspect of your behaviour she didn't know about before, but that it is part of what makes you the person she fell in love with.

This is a speech many crossdressers and transgender folks turn to as an explanation. It resonates well with our own sense of self but keep in mind that most partners I've heard from find it infuriating. The odds are against this going over well.

Why? As far as I can tell it's the usual communication trap. We're trying to tell our partners what is important to us, in essence that we feel like the same person deserving of the same respect as before. What we should be addressing isn't our insecurities but those of the person we're talking to. Your partner will be concerned that if you're hiding one thing you may be hiding other secrets as well. She'll be concerned about what other people will think. She'll be worried about what comes next. In my experience you'd be better off listening instead of talking, asking questions when necessary to start the conversation. Why does it bother her? Is it a problem if it's a secret the two of you keep together?

Of course there's nothing easy about this part and there are no guarantees. I'll keep my fingers crossed the two of you find a way forward that works for both of you.

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Sun Dec 25, 2011 9:08 am

Sorry Rony *sigh* What a cr**py way to be treated.

I'm sorta on the same line about holding your ground about "you're out of here." Why you; why not her? If you hold your ground, what can you handle? If she decides on blackmail - telling everyone for example; can you cope with that?

Again, Rony... sorry about the bomb she dropped.

Post by **KimberlyS** » Tue Dec 27, 2011 12:41 am

Ronnie I hope no new news is good news. I hope you are starting to be able to work on things.

Thinking and praying for the both of you.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Tue Dec 27, 2011 2:40 am

Hi Rony--
Yes, I hope no news equals good tidings, too. I've been away from home for the holidays. I hope you had a decent Christmas, given all of this. I've got to agree, a ten-minute ultimatum just doesn't fly; that might be an option after 4 hours of tough negotiation, but not out of the blue.

Rony · Post by **Rony** » Tue Dec 27, 2011 7:14 am

Thank you all for your concern.
On my SO's behave I have to say she has ask twice before about why I want to wear women’s underwear, I could never bring myself to admit to her I was a CD. I would just respond with they are more comfortable.
Hind sight is always so much better than foresight, in 2004 when I joined here, and admitted to myself I was a CD, I should have found a way bring the subject up but didn’t know how.

I post conditions as they develope.
Ronnie

Wendae · Post by **Wendae** » Tue Dec 27, 2011 2:01 pm

God, I'm so sorry! I've made it for 46 years so far. I'm another Nam vet with 2 tours and retired on 20. Military life was not easy on the marriage. Maybe there is an up side to this. Trying to be optimistic.

Gillian · Post by **Gillian** » Wed Dec 28, 2011 9:55 am

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can not fathom how anyone would throw away such a long term marriage over something like clothing. Has any kind of counselling been mentioned?

Giselle · Post by **Giselle** » Thu Dec 29, 2011 12:50 pm

i am in a similar situation Rony on june 22 of this year i came "out" to my
wife of 27 years(i am 56).
while we are still together our marriage now is really only one of convienence
,my wife was devastated and hurt by my years of not telling her about my
urge and need to dress in women's clothes.
i do hope your wife can see through this and realize you are the same
person she married those so many years ago?
my prayers and wishes are with you sister as i know my marriage is very
rocky and after these many years the future is clouded in doubt also.
keep your head up and God Bless

Giselle Reeves

Stephanie H · Post by **Stephanie H** » Thu Dec 29, 2011 1:34 pm

Ronnie:
I do hope that all works out for you... What ever is your happiness is what I hope. Keep faith in yourself and you will work through the issue.
Stephanie

Crossdressers-Haven.com

45 years of marriage ended today I believe

45 years of marriage ended today I believe

my heart goes out to you Rony