Obvious When You Know

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Wed Jan 04, 2012 11:26 am

I've got quite a nice wig I bought maybe 18 months ago. When I got it the SA just brushed it out, gave me the brush with the wig and it seemed like I was good to go. But now I find that brushing it out isn't enough. Actually you have to periodically take the tangles out of the hair, gently. If you don't, what happened to me will happen to you. Namely the strands of the wig will become kinked and it will lose its natural shape (I'm talking about an artificial fibre wig).

This is obvious when you know it. The thing is, being men to whom most, if not any, stuff about dressing like a woman (and ancilliary things like wig care) is kind of alien teritory (at least at the beginning), I'm thinking there must be a whole bunch of stuff like that. So I'm wondering if people would like to do a thread on that. Kind of stuff they've learnt through (bitter or otherwise) experience - or really anything else that might be obvious to GGs, who've been brought up to all this stuff...But not to us...

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Wed Jan 04, 2012 1:01 pm

I have three going out wigs, I wear them 5 or 6 times before I wash them.

I use a wig shampoo in tepid water and swish the wig around - don't rub, and then rinse in a wig conditioner. I dab them dry in a towel and then put them on a wig stand to air dry. That brings my wig up looking as good as the day I bought them.

Good wigs are not cheap so its worth while looking after them.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:51 pm

Hi Anthony--
This is a long-standing issue for me, and one that has concerned me lots of times. The appearance of my wigs is a big example--I have a hard time knowing what works and what doesn't. I know I've gone out looking really bad in that way, without knowing what was wrong.

So many little cues are dead give-aways. I've noticed that if a woman is wearing a button-up sweater, she'll often button only the top button. To me, this looks terrible. It's an unflattering look on me, personally. But I don't see any women doing it differently; it doesn't seem to be a matter of choice. If I button the bottom button only, I'll just look strange.

I see it in other trans women, too. I can't tell them how to fix their look, but I know when it doesn't quite come together. There's something quirky about their appearance, and it draws your attention. Much easier to be around gals that have been living as women for years, and have 99% of the cues in place.

Post by **DonnaT** » Wed Jan 04, 2012 4:34 pm

Don't use a brush on synthetic wigs. Only use a large toothed comb. Spritz the wig lightly with water before combing to reduce static and it makes it easier to get out any tangles.

Wendae · Post by **Wendae** » Wed Jan 04, 2012 9:31 pm

What Susan said!

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 5:28 am

At the risk of sounding silly, the trouble is I don't know what I don't know ("The unknown unknowns")

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 7:38 am

Yep I have all kinds of problems with my long human hair wig, tangles as you say then if I wash it you got to know how to roll it up and set it.

Pain in the you know what

Willie W · Post by **Willie W** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:12 am

These are not just problems with wigs but with long hair. I quit cutting my hair over 20 years ago. It takes a lot of work daily to keep it tangle-free and in some sort of style.

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:46 am

Ahhh, wigs...There was a minor female celebrity here who was bemoaning the fact that her chemo was finished, so now she had to go back to taking care of her real hair - and it was such a chore. I mean the amount of effort women put into their hair...I have washed my wigs a number of times, more or less along the lines suggested by Susan and Wendae and it seems to work OK. There's always this moment of doubt that the thing's going to come back and regain its shape, but so far no problems (not to tempt fate or anything).

I tried using my fingers to kind of bring a wig up to shape just now. This was a relatively cheap wig I still like a lot, and it seems to have survived my rough treatment with brushing (up to now) reasonably well. But talk about static electricity! As I was combing through it with my fingers, numbers of the strands on the outside curled up and round so much that they went straight up in the air!

I don't think that talking about the "unknown unknowns" is such a dumb idea at all, Paula. I mean that's kind of the point of the thread. The thing about knowing cues (as pointed out by Anita) seems important to me. The thing of it is, so much of it is under the radar and semi-conscious (if that), it's hard to know how to proceed. I'm inclined to think that the more you commit internally to the idea of presenting as a woman, the more that comes out in those cues - kind of by osmosis and instinct.

It feels that CDs are so much isolated by society that you don't have this kind of free(ish) exchange of information about your look and presentation with other people that GGs have. That's another thing that occurs to me.

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 12:42 pm

My latest wig is a new fibre that will take a low heat from rollers. The place I bought it from put the curls in before I bought it and it really seems to work. I have not had the courage to do it myself yet.

Treat your wigs gently ladies and they will last you years

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:34 pm

I had this conversation with an SA recently. She was trying to tell me to buy a brand of mascara that did kind of wonderful things with your lashes - like you didn't need false eyelashes (or that was her selling point). But actually I have quite long lashes and they go like that with mascara anyway - which I said. She replied "lucky you". I looked and could see that she had rather delicate lashes.

I said my problem was that my physical sensibility, like my features, isn't delicate. That meant that I had constant problems with the detailing that goes into makeup - which really does require a sensitive touch (IMHO) to get it right. She directed me to the cotton buds (like for spot makeup removal and repairs), saying we (i.e. GGs) don't always get it right. To which I replied I never get it right (which is pretty much true).

The funny thing is, when I dress up, my movements do instantly become much more delicate. I keep thinking there must be some way of getting myself like that while I'm doing my makeup.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 4:24 pm

The thing of it is, so much of it is under the radar and semi-conscious (if that), it's hard to know how to proceed. I'm inclined to think that the more you commit internally to the idea of presenting as a woman, the more that comes out in those cues - kind of by osmosis and instinct.

That's my take on it. The women who live it fulltime begin blending in and passing, for the most part, and I don't think they necessarily study every detail. It's a process that they go through, and most of them get the benefit of it after a couple of years--no one looks twice at them. They just live the role and breathe it, and it starts becoming second-nature. Oh, they must study ggs around them, too, but I don't think they stress about it. They're relieved to finally be who they are.

I even find this process occurring, when I'm not around people who know me. I'm amazed at how many "tapes" I have inside of me, on how a woman moves, how she talks, and so on. I just press, "play," and the tape starts. All the moves that were forbidden to me as a boy, in fact. And lordy, don't talk like a woman. I had to learn how to sound like Clint Eastwood.

One thing that gets to me is that maybe half of the TS women in my group don't style their hair in any way. It could be because they don't earn a lot of money, due to discrimination. And in Berkeley, lots of ggs don't style their hair, either. But I miss that touch in the TG world, and I would style my hair more often if I weren't having to make it work for two genders.

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Thu Jan 05, 2012 10:33 pm

Anita wrote:
The thing of it is, so much of it is under the radar and semi-conscious (if that), it's hard to know how to proceed. I'm inclined to think that the more you commit internally to the idea of presenting as a woman, the more that comes out in those cues - kind of by osmosis and instinct.
That's my take on it. The women who live it fulltime begin blending in and passing, for the most part, and I don't think they necessarily study every detail. It's a process that they go through, and most of them get the benefit of it after a couple of years--no one looks twice at them. They just live the role and breathe it, and it starts becoming second-nature. Oh, they must study ggs around them, too, but I don't think they stress about it. They're relieved to finally be who they are.

I even find this process occurring, when I'm not around people who know me. I'm amazed at how many "tapes" I have inside of me, on how a woman moves, how she talks, and so on. I just press, "play," and the tape starts. All the moves that were forbidden to me as a boy, in fact. And lordy, don't talk like a woman. I had to learn how to sound like Clint Eastwood.

One thing that gets to me is that maybe half of the TS women in my group don't style their hair in any way. It could be because they don't earn a lot of money, due to discrimination. And in Berkeley, lots of ggs don't style their hair, either. But I miss that touch in the TG world, and I would style my hair more often if I weren't having to make it work for two genders.

I'm including everything in your post (including my quote) Anita, because it sounds like you're saying one big thing (not that I've never been wrong, you understand).

Those "tapes" - which only come out when you're not around people who know you; the moves that were forbidden you as a boy; even more the talking like a woman that was forbidden you as a boy - and then your desire to see female-styled hair on the TS women you know and yourself. All this stuff seems to point to femme expression (of one sort of another, in your boyhood, now, in yourself and others) that doesn't get expressed.

I mean, if this is right, "obvious when you know" is not your problem at all. You know - and have known from early times - it's that you're supposed not to know and have had to spend your whole life denying that you do.

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Fri Jan 06, 2012 6:50 am

As regards the osmosis theory, have you ever looked at married couples who have been married a long time. I don't think its an old age thing but many couples grow to resemble each other.

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Fri Jan 06, 2012 12:56 pm

I mean, if this is right, "obvious when you know" is not your problem at all. You know - and have known from early times - it's that you're supposed not to know and have had to spend your whole life denying that you do.

Ouch! You're not supposed to be able to see all the way to the bottom of the pool, Anthony. You're supposed to say, "Gee, it's kind of muddy--I can't see anything here."

But to stay on topic--even though I have an instinctual feel for how women go about being women, the little details get in the way. I have to be willing to just go out and in some cases make a fool of my gal self. Like learning a foreign language on vacation, there's no way to get it perfect without stumbling around some.

Small detail that just came to me--blouses and skirts. When do I tuck in the blouse, and when do I let it go over the skirt? As a guy, I have the same issue, and I don't have to think about it--I know what looks appropriate in each case. As a girl, I just don't know. I have a 'feeling' about it, but as we saw in the button case, my feelings can go against the reality of what everyone actually does.

Susan wrote:

As regards the osmosis theory, have you ever looked at married couples who have been married a long time. I don't think its an old age thing but many couples grow to resemble each other.

I have seen that, sometimes dramatically. It made me choose my partners very carefully as I got older. I had to ask myself, "Would I mind becoming this person?" because in some way, that's what happens.