Just deal with it?

[Hope]

This is a....difficult subject to put into words.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have ventured off (figuratively) on a 'vacation' I take every year. That vacation is away from 'the male me' and I spend multiple days at a time tending to the house, cooking, laundry, etc. relieving my SO of such duties and instead, basically taking care of her every desire?. It's usually a wonderful interlude to life in what we all jokingly refer to as 'drab.'

Now....everything was fine! I had just finished sewing my second new dress, the house was spotless, laundry under control, and so on and so on. I was enjoying myself terribly thank you. Then while I was off in a separate 'apartment' away from the main house, a neighbor rang the door bell. It wasn't news to me since we have an enunciator in the apartment as well so I knew we had a visitor. Unfortunately, my dear wife didn't recall such a convenience and went to the front gate, spoke briefly with the neighbor without inviting them in, concerned I might inadvertantly return.

Of course when I discovered her pains to prevent an accidental disclosure of 'a sensative nature', I was....well disgruntled entirely with my seemingly harmless hobby. Last evening I began that spiral down the hill (you know...the one aiming toward the 'purge') feeling about as useless, perverted, and sick headed as I could imagine and ended my vacation.

I'm now at the point of sensless self condemnation of course, over something that I don't understand the origin of at all and simply wonder why I couldn't just be normal! Honestly, I don't recall having felt so disgusted with myself and wonder.....how many of us deal with this overwhelming guilt and shame (I suspect all) and how does one finally come to terms with the apparent fact our hobby....just is! How do we 'just deal with it?'

Gawd I just want to cry.....

(no) Hope

[DonnaT]

I don't want to make you feel worse, Hope, but the fact is, many of us, me included, have never felt guilt nor shame.

This is who I am. Didn't ask for it, can't get rid of it, so why would I feel bad about it!?

[Michelle M]

I understand the feelings of guilt and shame. I can't tell you how to get over those. I still feel those now even though I am getting more and more comfortable with myself. It's not something that you can quickly get over. I think the thing to think about is that as far as hobbies go, this is a fairly harmless one. I guess the bottom line is, don't purge, you'll just feel worse later on and eventually have to replace it all.

[Carol Ann]

100% with Donna

[Anthony Simon]

With me the guilt and the shame used to be terribly intense (really dominating) when I was young. Now they've pretty much gone away - but on the other hand, I sense they're always there, hovering around in the background, waiting to return if I give them a chance.

In these days of economic deprivation, many people in this country (the UK) are forgoing holidays abroad and taking them here. You actually have the ultimate in that - you're taking your holiday at home and, as it were, taking your SO along with you (in that she doesn't have to do her ordinary chores). Now it's true that not many married couples have this option - but, in this case, I think you could make a serious case for CDing as (what various other people here say it is) a gift.

[KimberlyS]

Hope, you are not at a good place as many of us can attest to. Many of us have been there, done that, have the tee shirts. Wish I could help you get through it easier. IMHO you must start within your self to learn to accept yourself and this is part of who you are. It seems like you have at least some acceptance from your wife. Is this something you both can work on together.

There is hope, you just may not be able to currently see it. Have a good cry, pick your self up and move forward.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

[JoAnnDallas]

You might want to see a therapist that is familiar with transgender people. I am seeing one for about a year now. I started seeing her because here in the USA most doctors will not prescribe hormones without first seeing a therapist. Once I started seeing her, I discovered some hidden issues that I did not even thought I had about my CDing and my relationship with my wife. I told my wife and she went with me a few times. Now we have a even better relationship. I dress fem almost all the time, and we could not be happier. BTW, I my therapist gave me my letter six months ago.

[Paula G]

I too have regularly experienced this cycle of elation spiraling into disgust, I do not think it is unusual, I think that it has been ingrained into society that what we do is "wrong" and as part of society it is very difficult for us to buy out of this attitude. Most of the time I am happy with who and what I am, even though I sometimes think that I am the only one who is.

How do I deal with it, well I come here, I put Paula back in her box for a while and wait for the compulsion to return.

[Hope]

Thanks for sharing....

The greatest concern is the effect discovery could/would have on my beloved spouse! She has always been so....full of grace....regarding my proclivity and issues. To cause her in any way harm from MY actions would be more than I would ever like to consider.

Donna, somehow I knew you would be so positive in your self acceptance, and good for you. I'm not, probably never will be, but I was getting further along until the reality of possible harm to my soul mate became all too real a possibilty.

Now sure, I know, what harm could there possibly be? And if I have to expand on that....I must be in the wrong room.

I wish I was....normal. What point is there to any of this kind of life that give no good but to me.

[Anthony Simon]

Hope's wife did actually contribute something to this forum in 2004:

The one thing that sometimes bothers me is the initial impact of seeing a stranger in the house. Intellectually, I know it's him but with makeup, and a wig he looks so different. I've told him if we were out somewhere, and he didn't talk or try to hold my hand (which would be a problem since it's such a habit now), nobody would know for sure. Some might suspect, but wouldn't be sure. I don't think he's willing to venture that far though and I must say, that doesn't bother me at all

Other than that, I don't know what else to say. It's his hobby. It's sometimes an obsession. It's just part of all that he is. And he is a kind, understanding, wonderful hubby wearing a dress, or wearing pants.

Would we change it if we could? Yes. But we can't so as long as he's willing to clean the house, do some sewing for me, occassionally cook a few meals for me, and rub my neck and feet when I want....I'm happy

[Davita]

Interesting Anthony. Nice find.

So Hope. Did you ask if you better was being safe for you, for her or both? I bet it wasn't just for her.

Ro, my better half, hoped no one ever found out. Now after the 4 billionth person and nothing has come of it; she's not so worried.

As for all the guilt? I had all that when I was a kid; I purged too many times and what a waste of money and effort. Now purging is to create a vacuum in the closet that will need to be refilled. How did I get over the ill-placed feelings? I think mostly being tired of having them and I couldn't change who I was if my life depended on it.

Please don't purge no matter how guilty or bad you feel. Just stash it all away if it comes to that. Have a friend hold it all for you if necessary. Please too, try not to punish yourself for things out of your control.

[Absaroka]

Hope I think this is a great example of taking something good and going too far with it. It's appropriate that you are concerned with your wife's feelings, and appropriate to be appreciative of her. But feeling shame, disgust, and self loathing are going way past concern for your wife. Does your feeling this way make her feel happy? I didn't think so.........

Taking precautions and that sort of thing within the parameters you and your wife have worked out is a good thing. Hating yourself for enjoying her acceptance of you is a completely different thing. What's the point of her being accepting of you if you aren't accepting of you?

Of course the way we typically react to this might be the following. Now you can feel guitlty over feeling bad also.......Don't.

If feeling ashamed of our clothing choices made us better people, most of us would be perfect by now.

Zari

[Wendae]

I have been given the freedom to dress around my wife but not to leave the house in fem except to see my therapist. I still find it difficult and a bit self conscious to do so and don't until the urge becomes so overwhelming and I cave. Usually I wait for her to go shopping so I can have the house to myself. I still can't shake the deep need to get out and about and keep planning trips that never occur. I've sat in waiting rooms while dressed with other patients and driven for 45 min at the noon hour in heavy traffic to my therapist, gotten gas, but I need more. I feel that this is a destructive force but can't shake it. I want to get out and walk thru a mall, shop the women's department and have a sit down meal somewhere. It will happen. Soon I hope! Maybe I should get my therapist to recommend hormone therapy? Would that help me develop more confidence?

[Absaroka]

Hormone therapy is a huge step and taking all of this to a very different level.

As a much smaller step, what if you did all the stuff you are talking about on a vacation to somewhere else. Maybe a week or so in Provincetown Mass, where I doubt anyone would batt an eye. Last time I was there I saw men in beards wearing dresses, not to mention a woman on a discrete leash, so you would be small potatoes. It would be a chance to see how you react without impacting your body.

This will probably be another thread somewhere. But I am finding that the urge to dress has been subsiding over the last year. I'm not sure why, but I think it may have to do with after several years having finally done it enough for a while.

Zari

[Wendae]

Zari....
Just frustration talking. I know I need to get away. This Tuesday I'll get out for awhile when I go to see my shrink. Maybe after the visit I'll stop somewhere.