To Melyssa Anne

[Anthony Simon]

In the current testosterone thread Missy wrote something that I thought needed a thread of its own.

I have to take testosterone blockers due to aggressive prostate cancer. I have always liked both sides of my life (male and female) but now I find myslef hating the testosteroone since its what drives the cancer. Im not one that ever was interested in transitioning--like I said above, I loved both sides of my life. And its hard to fight to keep both halves now, since the low testosterone levels take a toll on many other areas of my life..

I'm really sorry to hear that. It sounds a really tough break - aggressive prostate cancer. I'm not sure what the prognosis is for this sort of thing, but you must be pretty young to get it.

What you say about hating testosterone yet (implicitly) wanting to hang onto the part of your life it powers is reminiscent of the conflict I've had over my femininity (though on a much less fraught level). With me, now, I can see that unless I let my feminine side in in a way that I would never have considered before I'm going to be in trouble (and that has been an ongoing process through the last few years). Honestly it kind of scares me turning into a "girly man", but I'm not sure that that's how it's going to turn out. And I'd rather keep going "girly" than not at all.

On a brighter side--I do have a greater appreciation for each day and enjoy the little things and the big things much more. Recognition of your own mortality and recognizing that there is an end game that you can see coming makes a difference in how you view the world and the people around you.

I think that's an admirable way of looking at it. Taking it "like a man"...

[Melyssa Anne]

Thanks for the kind words.....its frustarating and feels complicated to adjust to how things are. Part of me wants to like the changes, but most of me hates that I have so little control--from the change in my physical self and in many ways (including hot flashes,moodiness, and other physical issues) going throught what menopausal women go through, and most of me hates the changes because they are not on my terms and they reflect the lack of control I have on my life, the basics of my life, and my life span. But I have resolved to enjoy as much of life as i can and not sweat the small stuff like I use too. my wie says she can see the difference in my general attitude -and thats a good thing. I have lots to enjoy -- my wonderful wife who keeps helping and encouraging all aspects of my life, two wonderful grandchildren, and great friends. And my fenimine side keeps getting to do things I always just dreamed of-I have gel nails that get done every 2-3 weeks, I go to a hairstylisit enfemme on a regular basis and they only know me as Missy--that chit chat and being one of the girls is fantastic, and my wife finds things for us to do both as a married couple and as girl friends. I know how lucky I am.

I set up a trp for her and me to go to the Kentucky Derby next month -- and she insisted it be done as a girls only trip -- how cool is that??!!!

anyways--enough about my issues....finding a balance has always been a challenge -- tough to find a place thats conmfortable and gives a balance you can live with. Here's hoping you can get to a place that is good for you and works for you.

[Anita]

Hi Melyssa Anne—
I can see why you don’t care for the changes when you feel like you didn’t have a choice about initiating them.

When I learned I was going to go on hormone blockers, I considered whether I wanted to transition. What they were going to do to me was neutralize me, whereas HRT is hormone replacement. They take away the testosterone, and replace it with estrogen. They couldn’t do that with 99.9% of patients, but with me, it was a possibility. However, I was told that the three months I’d be on Lupron would not cause breast growth or other irreversible changes.

Supposedly my testosterone came back to a normal range, but they never tested me for a baseline. I never got back the libido that was there before. I had a full life, so it doesn’t bother me that it’s gone, so much as it bothers me because I have a partner who’s younger and does have a drive. She says she understands, but that doesn’t take away the frustration. We set aside time to be with each other, and I can enjoy myself once I get focused. But there’s no desire to initiate anything, which is something that used to frustrate me about many of the women I was with over the years. Now I’m experiencing their side of it.

[Anthony Simon]

Thanks for the update, Melyssa. It's good to hear that your girl side is getting the pampering that I'm sure she deserves. But the particular thing that struck me were your comments about lack of control. I mean the very definition of a situtation like this is that it attacks the whole terms on which one lives one's life.

But knowing that consciously doesn't affect a whole lot one's previous expectations of what one's life is - should be. I mean one is still deeply emotionally committed to that. So then, like you say, it's frustating and complicated to get to where you have to be.

One thing that occurs to me - though it may not work for you - is the efficacity of creative solutions. Like some people paint or write or draw as a way of giving themselves a space. Like you've got all these emotional conflicts which are difficult to articulate consciously but somehow, in that creative space, can sort themselves out. At any rate, just scrawling stuff down on bits of paper has worked for me in the past.

You comment about how you hate the changes, and for me hatred is one of my major problems in achieving balance. I've got a lot of rage inside me and it's a struggle not to kind of look at things in its terms. It's pretty clear to me that my only chance of getting things right is seeing past it.

Anyway I have some hopes. But balance is a fugitive grace, I think.

[JoAnnDallas]

In a twist of fate, I started on HRT last summer. First taking just T-Blocker's. Then last fall my doctor did a full blood panel on me and my PSA levels had soar sky high. My doctor set me up with a appointment with her Urologist and he confirmed that my PSA levels were too high. He then prescribed one of the T-blockers that I was already taking. I then told him I was already taking it and the reason behind it. He was mildly surprised sense he was not that familiar with Transgender medical issues. We elected to do a Ultrasound and Biopsy. I suggested that he consult with my doctor sense she is also a well known gender doctor here in the DFW, TX area. When I next saw him, he informed me that he took my advise and called my doctor about his test results and my condition. between the two of them and the test results, they concluded that taking the T-blockers when I did, the results of the Ultrasound and Biopsy showed that I had Re-Canerus Prostate Cancer. Otherwise know as there were some cancer cell present but not enough to be harmful to my health. So they decided to add Estrogen sense it helps kill any remaing cancer cells. The two T-blockers will help keep my prostate from growing and control my PSA levels.
So I am on full HRT for two reasons, GID and Prostate. I have debated on going on HRT for a long time. I also see a gender therapist to help sort out everything. I came to the conclusion that I trully have GID and now the medical diagnostics confirm it. I truly feel that seeing a therapist can help one tread the mine field of emotions and needs.