My beginnings

[Ginny Jones]

When I first joined this forum I wrote a post in this section outlining my journey with CD. It never got posted and so I thought I'd have another go. I have to say that I don't remember writing a title so my suspicion is that this was entirely self inflicted. Alternatively there could be some poor chap sitting in Tesco's wondering who the hell Ginny is and why am I telling him this stuff!

Anyway - if I am to really contribute here, it seems to me that I need to be open and having read some of the posts here I notice that openness is a quality that I really admire in others - so here goes!

I have it on good authority from my Mother that dressing up in women's clothes was a favourite pastime when I was a toddler! I used to particularly like bra's and she tells me that they were always finding me sitting with half a dozen bra's on my head!

My parents were both quite anxious and my Dad could spill into aggression / violence if pushed. This would happen real quick and so attention to feelings has always been high on my list of priorities! Having said that, he was only ever violent to me once (not to play that down - but that's how it was).

Mainly, I was having to pull him off other guys that had read him as a gentle person, taken advantage, and then become aware that actually he was a 20 stone weight lifter (lots of things can be true at the same moment!).

Given this context - I didn't really let my parents know a lot about my view of myself or the world and they pretty much left me to my own devices.

Left to my own devices I found that I really identified with the girls at school. I just wanted to spend all my time with these beautiful creatures! I can remember constantly playing horses at break times! They just made so much more sense to me than the boys.

The other side of being left to my own devices was that it left me susceptible to being abused with nobody I could really go to about that. So this went on for about 4 years.

This stopped when I was 11. At the same time I was sent to an all boys school (why are there all boys schools?). It felt like such a loss! Essentially it meant that I didn't have any contact with girls until the 6th form! In the meantime, I spent years noticing that I wasn't quite like the others. I tended to form intense, intimate relationships with a small group of boys. In my head I put it together that I was probably gay. I got to the stage where this was something that I had accepted (though strangely I didn't feel overly attracted to males in a sexual way - a little, but not enough to motivate me to do anything about it).

Then once I hit the 6th form (16+) I had the opportunity to share lessons with girls from other schools (girls only schools). They had me sussed within minutes and I soon became a switchboard through which they could work out my male counterparts. It was like I could translate. "David keeps looking at me but never says anything. Do you think he likes me? Is he shy? What do you think I should do?" etc. The other thing that became quickly apparent was the thought - "Forget David and go out with me!" Not that I ever said this - I was quite a shy little thing really.

Eventually I managed to lasso some poor unsuspecting girl and we set up life together. Yahoo I'm not gay - I'm a heterosexual!

My focus has always been about my gender. The clothes are just an expression of that. I experience myself as a mix of masculine and feminine - so building, getting dirty, riding motorbikes, climbing mountains all makes sense to me! I can watch "new girl" for example and feel very attracted to Jess.

At the same time I find myself loving the top she is wearing and getting caught up in how she feels about herself and the world. To begin with I guess I felt like not quite a man. Nowadays I feel far more at home with this stuff.

The cross dressing has always been a very minor feature and it has only been over the last year or so that it has really taken off - largely I suspect because my wife and I have now separated. When you live on your own there is nobody to compromise your personality for and so everything is given room to breathe! My wife always knew that I was able to be girly - the dressing up wasn't something that I really needed to do.

In retrospect I can see how important this stuff has been to me. It is no surprise therefore that after leaving school and studying - I became a nurse. I therefore have always found arena's in which this very real part of my life has found a voice.

I am just really experimenting with cross dressing. I haven't been out of the house (other than late at night) and this feels like my next step. Signing up here was something that I had been thinking about for a while. I had lurked for a while and it felt like something that might be ok - no biggy, So it was quite a shock when having registered I promptly burst into tears! I think this place and you guys are going to be real important to me!

Please bear with me. I notice that the way in which I respond to people is very much geared to reading the non-verbal stuff and the way we communicate here is like the game "battleships". I'm sure I'm going to get lots of things wrong here. If I am being clumsy - let me know.

with hugs to you all

Ginny x

[Paula G]

Thanks Ginny for your frank and honest introduction. I can sense that there are a lot of issues here that may well need to be raised at the appropriate time in the appropriate place. For now I just want to say be careful when you do go out, because I know you will. You say you have been out late at night so the need to go out is there, and can only be satisfied when you do. The instinct is to go out late at night or in very secluded places, but resist this instinct. You have to remember that you are a vulnerable solitary woman. You may fear recognition or exposure, but by being alone late at night in a secluded spot you are at risk of much worse fates than being recognised!

[Ginny Jones]

Paula - thank you for your advice. I think you are quite right - in being tentative I am potentially putting myself at risk and if I am honest, I hadn't really thought that through! I really appreciate you taking the time to look after me.

bless your socks Ginny x

[LisaK]

Hi from Seattle. I have not watched "New Girl" but I will now and pay attention to what you said. Hope this finds you having a nice day.

[Paula G]

It wa safter reading some news stories that I realised I was going to places at times I would not let my wife or daughter go to that I realised the risks I was taking, I now find I appreciate much more the vulnerability a GG woman feels on her own, the other I went into a pub on myown and felt quite threatened. If you woud feel happier with company try to find a local support group or one of us here might be happy to go out with you. We have a great little group here in Croydon and I know there are lots of others around.

[Ginny Jones]

LisaK - thanks for your post. New girl is great and Jess is my idol! Enjoy!

Paula - after reading your post I have been scouring the forum to see if there is a FAQ or a section on CDing Safely. Couldn't find anything. It's a thought isn't it. I'm sure there are other issues that I am just going to walk into like the rest of you because, well, I don't have it all worked out yet.

Ginny x

[Davita]

Hi Ginny. I too am somewhat of a mixed bag. Think of me as a bit of a tomboy about some things and quite the girly girl with others.

I you can tell from the responses, you're pretty much like the rest of us. We all have gone through some stages and phases in our lives. I too snuck out at night, but never beyond the yard. I was doing it long before I got out in public so I was totally unprepared to be seen. As for the safety warnings, heck dressed or not, some things just aren't safe to do. And for all the so called enlightened people in the world, there are still a whole lot of narrow-minded physically expressive people.

Safety in numbers buys you a couple things... safety and some one to help deflect your self consciousness that everyone is watching you. To find local groups, there is the magic search engines. For a starting point, take a look at one of my webpages, http://davita-farley.webs.com/reference/support.html, this will give you an idea of the types of groups available and the national and international groups may provide their links to the local groups. Again, the search engines work just fine for finding groups.

Be safe, have fun. See you in the chat.

[Ginny Jones]

Davita - thanks for the post. I had a look at your web page and as well as finding the links useful, it was good to read your bio and "Hear" someone articulating the same version of gender that I experience (if only in the broad strokes).

I hope to chat with you soon.

Hugs Ginny x

[DonnaT]

Note that there isn't always safety in numbers. So always remain aware.

All it takes is for two or three drunk louts who want to cause trouble, and that can happen even on a crowded street.

[Anita]

Hi Ginny--
That was interesting to read. Thanks for sharing all of it. Your reaction upon signing up must have really surprised you.

[Carly]

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you get to experience every aspect of life that you desire.

[LisaK]

Hey Ginny; This was pretty funny "(if only in the broad strokes)".
hehe

[LisaK]

Davita;
Thanks for a great site..

[Davita]

Lisa, you're welcome. I try. It's my giving back to everyone.