How I became Erica

Erica Shade · Post by **Erica Shade** » Tue Mar 23, 2004 2:25 pm

In an effort to further introduce myself, I thought a post in this section would help. My name is Erica Shade, and I have been crossdressing in some form or another since I was 4 years old.

I don't really know why, but I remember finding a pair of my mother's panties and wanting to wear them to my daycare. I tried them on, but was too chicken to wear them out of the house, as I thought I might get caught. So I carried them in my pant's pocket the entire day. I remember thinking about them all day wishing I had the courage to wear them. I never did.

Nothing did happen, and I don't think I thought a lot about wearing female clothing until I was about 8 or 9. I used to visit my father and his wife in the summer during this part of my life. Often times I would be left home alone for a few hours. I soon discovered my step mother's undergarments. Of particular interest at that time was a training bra. I don't know who it was for, as I was the only child in the home, and my step mother was far to big for this bra. It fit me nicely, and I used to wear it whenever I was alone. I then found her panties, and began wearing those also. I would spend a lot of time on my bike, cycling through the city on these lonely afternoons. I began to wear the panties and I cycled around. The feel of the silky/satiny material always made me feel electric. I loved my little secret, and hoped that no one would find out.

A few years past, and as a teenager, I began to wonder why I had these tendancies. Was I gay? I didn't know. I began to read a lot of gay magazines, and actually became rather comfortable with the concept of homosexuality. At times I dreamed of having an encounter with a guy, but I never tried (this is so even until this day).

During university, I couldn't really CD, as roommates where always around.

Seven years ago I got married to the best woman in the world. She never has understood CDing, and even finds it extremely gross, but is wonderful with everything else. I started CDing again whenever she was at work or away on business, and started to really get into it. I had a pretty large closet of clothing, shoes, lingerie, wigs, makeup, purses, you name it, I had it (hidden of course). I started to want to CD so much that it became a compulsion. I almost wanted her to catch me so that I wouldn't have to lie anymore. Well, she did. About 1 year ago.

She loves me and we are still together (thank God), but as mentioned she never understood the CD thing. I promised her that I would get rid of everything, and I did. I felt really guilty. Not because I was a CD, but because I kept all of this away from someone I love so much. I didn't feel like I deserved my most precious belongings.

I have not dressed since then, but am always online, keeping a breast of what's happening. Even though I currently do not dress, I am a CDer, and I'm proud of who I am. I know it's just a matter of time before I start again, but for now I am happy where I am in life. I am afraid, though, that when I do start, I will go completely overboard.

So that's my story in a long winded nutshell. That is who I am. Erica Shade.

Stay Sweet

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Tue Mar 23, 2004 8:11 pm

Hi Erica,

Thank you very much for posting your beginnings story!!!

I'm sad that you aren't able to enjoy dressing as married adult, with the approval of your wife, but at least she knows. That really is the hardest part of the battle.

You got caught sort of on purpose and that's really good.

I hope you find the ability to tell her one day that you can't change who you are and that though she doesn't need to accept it, she needs to accept you.

If you ever purchase anything again, don't purge. Just tell your wife and ask her to accept you.

I wish you the best. Please feel free to PM me if you EVER have any questions or need advice or support. I'm proud of you being a CD'r and I hope you will one day be just as proud and your wife support you.

All the best,
Beauty

Joanna_S · Post by **Joanna_S** » Wed Mar 24, 2004 2:49 am

Hi Erica !

I must say, I feel bad after your story

It must have felt terrible to get rid of your wardrobe and a year without dressing doesn´t sound good either. The best part of your story is that you and your wife love and respect each other. I think that in most cases the worst thing from the wife´s point of view is the feeling of betrayal. She´s confused, angry, unsure if she never really knew you. If you can make her understand that you just couldn´t tell her, she´ll get over it. You must´ve had your reasons not to tell( I´ve been there too) and the longer you wait the more difficult it gets. I sincerely hope you´ll soon be able to enjoy dressing again

Joanna

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Wed Mar 24, 2004 8:36 am

Read Sally's post under "Coping for CD's:" If I am interpreting it correctly, we are born this way. WE can, like I have, repress theses "strange feelings" for a long time, but they are there and if we let them manifest themselves and control them in whatever environment we happen to be in, we can live as we were intended. It is not easy for some of us, but I think that just knowing it is part of us, that we are just wired (BETTER) than our brethren out there, we can make the most of it.
If our SO accept and understand this I would think that it would make it much easier for them to cope. It is just us, we were born with this marvelous ability to better connect with women. I would hope that CD'ing is only one way that this "talent" manisfests itself in our relationships. WE eveidently have a unique talent to see the "feminine" side of things and we really should take full advantage of it - if for no other reason than to develop a stronger relationship with the other girls in our lives.
Love, Deborah

Erica Shade · Post by **Erica Shade** » Wed Mar 24, 2004 2:23 pm

Thank you Beauty, Joanna_s and Deborah. Joanna, please don't feel sorry for me. I have chosen to repress my dressing. At times life requires us to make sacrifices, this is mine. And it probably won't last forever. It is actually easier to not dress, than try to explain in great detail why I like to CD. It is so difficult for others to understand, without us looking like freaks. For most people I really don't care, but when it comes to my wife and family, with whom I have a wonderful relationship, it matters to me. At this point in my life, I choose them over the panties. I'm not selling out, I am just temporarily accepting the option that serves me best right now.

Erica Shade

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Thu Mar 25, 2004 12:17 am

Dear Erica,

I understand and respect your decision. However much something is part of our nature, we still must make choices about the extent and way in which to express our natures. If you read my story ("My Life") you will see that I made a conscious choice to give up crossdressing for 24 years. I gained some things and lost some things by making that choice. But, I find it hard to second guess myself (and I won't second guess you). Recently, I made the choice to resume CDing as a means of accepting who I am. I will gain some things and lose some things as a result of that choice. Perhaps you will feel the deep need to resume CDing someday, perhaps not. In the meantime, it seems that you have acepted yourself without shame; and that is all to the good.

I wish you the best in living your life and making choices that serve the best interest of you and your loved ones.

Love,

Laura

Joanna_S · Post by **Joanna_S** » Thu Mar 25, 2004 3:59 am

Dear Erica,

I sincerely hope your wife and kids understand and appreciate your sacrifice. For me dressing is a basic need just like sleep, food, sex etc. and giving it up would be painful. You must be wonderful husband for your wife and wonderful father to your kids

Joanna

Erica Shade · Post by **Erica Shade** » Thu Mar 25, 2004 10:12 am

Laura/Joanna_s,

I try to be a good husband and father. I figure it this way, as long as I am able to supress my desires, I am putting my family first. So far it has not been that hard, as I try to get involved online as much as possible. This is my outlet. I live through all of you lucky ladies. Each post I read reminds me of the struggle many of us go through, as well as the joys and triumphs we experience. Although I don't dress now, I can still be an active part, and I know what most of us here are feeling. I share your joy and pain. So far it is working, and I will try to honour my committment to my family. But make no mistake about it, I am a CDer (just a non practicing one right now). If all the scientific studies are correct, don't worry, I'll be in a dress in no time.

Hugs to all my sisters.

Erica Shade

Bernice · Post by **Bernice** » Thu Mar 25, 2004 3:33 pm

I'm with Deborah (she is always full of knowlege and wisdom, bless her). Like any or most of us here, I also feel that we are who we are, and that there are some things it just doesn't pay to try to change. I swore off crossdressing every January 1 for over two decades. It never worked.

It is fitting and proper that you prioritize your own needs. You are the pilot in command of your own life. You will get only support from us here.

However, as you now acknowledge that someday you will be back in a dress, that signals to me that you should begin planning in advance for that day.

Two or three possibilities come to mind. A relatively safe way for you might perhaps be join a CD support goup such as Tri-Ess and meet with them for your next en-femme experience, either with or without your wife.

I think perhaps the second best thing we can offer you here (the first being emotional support) is that probably every last one of us here would go to any length to try to help explain to your wonderful wife how lucky she is, and why she should accept you as you have always been.

I look forward to a day when perhaps you will introduce her to us, and she can learn acceptance through the fact that you are clearly not alone.

Hugs,

Bernice