Telling my SO for the second time

[Phil]

20 years ago: Now I outed myself to her about 6 months after we married. (For info - I have only ever been an underdresser) It was awkward and fumblesome (not a real word but somehow fitting!). She was concerned that I was going to tell her that I liked experimenting sexually with dead rabbits or something (her words) as I found it so difficult to broach. Anyway, she was fine with it. I described it as an old thing from my past (teens) and she asked if I still had desires. I confessed I did and she was fine. She suggested I be open to it again. I had dabbled with an occasional panty whilst at college but nothing regular. So I started to wear pantiesand an occasional cami regularly. After about two months or so, she told me that she was concerned that it was a bit to all consuming so I said I would stop. She seemed quite happy with this. So I did. For a while at least. It lasted about 10 years (not without very significant urges).

Over the last tenyears I have had occasional short lived lapses and subsequent purges, but for the last three years the "habit", my desires, my natural inclinations have returned immesuarably.

So I registered to join the forum yesterday and decided that I really needed to speak to my wife again about my ... interest! This was surprisingly difficult and some of the tension in not telling her that I was wearing lingerie again was that I enjoyed skirting around the edges of nearly being discovered. This is a mantra for me in life I think (perhaps more in another post).

Last night I awkwardly confessed and said that I would not be able to set this aside, that it was me and that I would respect her concerns about whether she had rules or limits - not wanting to see my underwear, me in them, not appearing in the laundry etc. I was ready for a barrage of questions and actually looking forward to talking about underwear with her. I want to talk about my favourite styles, why I like particular bra types and manufacturers, how excited I am when I shop etc .... I was prepared - and ready: She just said "that's fine" and left it there!!

Now I know that she really is fine with it but I need more

I believe that it was the right thing to do to tell her BUT I have now lost my secret dangerous motivating edge with my admission and haven't gained the intimacy I sought from my revelation. I feel very selfish writing this but it is genuinely how I feel

I don't think I am looking for advice - but feel free to give it anyway if you wish (if you aren't asleep by now)!

I just wanted to write how I was feeling.

Thank you for being here

Phil

[Anna]

Hello Phil.

I understand. I think part (only PART!) of the reason I have not told my wife about this little "hobby" of ours is the excitement over the possibility of being caught. It certainly adds a buzz! But overall, I wish she knew and was accepting. I would like nothing more than to be able to dress openly and without fear in her presence and with her knowledge.

But I cannot risk the potential family break up if she were not accepting! So back into the closet for me, I'm afraid!

[Anthony Simon]

Over the last tenyears I have had occasional short lived lapses and subsequent purges, but for the last three years the "habit", my desires, my natural inclinations have returned immesuarably.

I think that sort of pattern, with the desire to CD returning with great power ca 40-50 is pretty common. It happened to me.

Last night I awkwardly confessed and said that I would not be able to set this aside, that it was me and that I would respect her concerns about whether she had rules or limits - not wanting to see my underwear, me in them, not appearing in the laundry etc. I was ready for a barrage of questions and actually looking forward to talking about underwear with her. I want to talk about my favourite styles, why I like particular bra types and manufacturers, how excited I am when I shop etc .... I was prepared - and ready: She just said "that's fine" and left it there!!

Now I know that she really is fine with it but I need more

Given that she already knew you CDed, she probably did a bit for research (say on sites like this) and found that dressing up wasn't a thing that went away. If that were the case, she would have been ready to hear that you were doing it again.

Accepting it is a real big plus. But being drawn into it and wanting to discuss the clothes with you is another big step. Kind of that's like an active interest, which I think would probably be unfair to hope from her. Might happen, but that's her concern (I'm not married, but that's my impression).

I believe that it was the right thing to do to tell her BUT I have now lost my secret dangerous motivating edge with my admission and haven't gained the intimacy I sought from my revelation. I feel very selfish writing this but it is genuinely how I feel

Yeah, but you have gained the security of knowing your wife is alright with it - and on this new level. It sounds like there's a longing in you for your wife to be part of it - like that's a part of what you wish for from the CDing.

I don't think I am looking for advice - but feel free to give it anyway if you wish (if you aren't asleep by now)!

I just wanted to write how I was feeling.

Thank you for being here

Please keep talking. You seem to have more to say. That's what this place is for. Sharing, helping...

[Gillian]

Your wife may be accepting of your "hobby", but tht doesn't mean that she wants to hear all about the details of it. By example, I am a model railroader, my wife has never joined in, and I do drag her through many museums, but I have to watch myself as to not over do it. She is happy for me and my hobby, listens to little snippets, but doesn't want all of the gory details. Now, think about your "hobby", she may never join in, but if she can be happy for you and your enjoyment of your "hobby", then why push it? Who knows, her interest level may increase, but only as she is ready to get more involved.

As an encouragement my wife is more involved today than she was earlier on, I let her move at her own pace. Five years ago, I would have never dreamed that we woiuld ever shop together, but now we do. We have bra shopped, corset shopped and purchased many other items together. "Rome was not built in one day".

[Martina H.]

Phil as many have said before baby steps, never try to push to fast the more open in talking about your feelings with your wife about your (hobby) may help.
I can now go shopping in male mode underdressed with my wife to womens clothes shops without feeling embarrassed.
The most important thing is that you have to accept yourself first and be comfortable that this is what you want to do. It takes a lot of courage to come out of the closet I pondered for a long time before emergining to my wife and that was after 32 years of being married.

[Phil]

Thank you everyone - sage advice. I am obviously wanting too much too fast.

I am very fortunate to have an understanding wife whom I love very much.

What I hoped for more than anything was chat around the subject so that I knew what she was comfortable with. I don't know if I can get dressed and undressed (male clothes bar underwear) in front of her. Currently I am ensuring that I continue to dress and undress out of sight (at least the underwear part) so as to avoid an uncomfortable situation. She didn't ask how long I have been doing it for again or how frequently so she may have no idea that it is daily. I don't think that she has done any research, although I did suggestthis to herthe other night as she would better understand about the "whys" and motivators if she did so.

It has left me in the same "dangerous" state of mind (dangerous in that I wish to flaunt with discovery ALL of the time) except that now I am doing this in the wider world - perhaps more on that in another post.

Anyway - thank you everyone. I will try and be more patient and certainly more appreciative.

[Anthony Simon]

She might be happy with a version of "don't ask, don't tell". So she doesn't mind if you do it just so long as she doesn't have to know the specifics of it. That might be why she gave you just a limited "that's fine" rather than asking you about it.

[Ivanka]

part (only PART!) of the reason I have not told my wife about this little "hobby" of ours is the excitement over the possibility of being caught.

Why loose the excitement if someone proves to be accepting? Just try on someone else until you find someone whose reaction will make you really excited

[Amanda M]

Take your time - above all take your time. Be adult and don't go for instant gratification.

She may have said "That's fine!" and left it at that, but in her own mind, I think she will need time to adjust to this significant change in your relationship.

Try to be open and discuss things, but steer away (at first) for your needs and emotions about your cross dressing and focus on hers. Don't keep dragging the subject up at every opportunity (I know, I have been there) and give her time, space and help to get her head around things.

Until she has, keep your need to tell her how excited you are about this controlled, and make sure, 100% sure that she is given every possible support in understanding that her femininity is not being called into question (either by word or by deed) so that she can stabilize her own feelings.

Best of luck with this -just don't push too hard.

[Paulette]

part (only PART!) of the reason I have not told my wife about this little "hobby" of ours is the excitement over the possibility of being caught.

Why loose the excitement if someone proves to be accepting? Just try on someone else until you find someone whose reaction will make you really excited

Unless meant ironically, this seems like a self-lubricated slippery moral slope.

But your choice, of course.

[Davita]

Phil, you said you weren't sure if you could take your pants off in front of your wife while wearing panties? You said you weren't sure how much you can bring up to talk about your dressing with the better half?

Good you have the concerns... It just so happens though, you caught me in a bit of a naughty mood. With that, I'm gonna tell you to put on a nice, but somewhat plain pair of panties and that night, go through your normal routine of undressing with her. If she doesn't notice or simply doesn't say anything, do it again.... and again... and again... until you have a moment with her that she initiated so you can talk a little bit more about it with her. Don't press however, just let it all happen on it's own. Now the bad side is that she may tell doesn't want to see it ever again. BUT now you know a bit more about what "it's fine" means.