Feeling a bit sad... The feeling is gone.

[Cindy Barnes]

Hi JoAnn,

Yes hunting,,,,,,,, skirts and dresses LOL!!! Not sure folks here know that side of me yet

I sure miss Suzie too BTW !!

Hugs
Cindy

[CJ]

Hi all,

Gaby,

(Pleased to meet you, by the way... and sorry that I've managed to do so only at this late stage--but, better late than never).

I've read your posts, I've understood what you've said. Although it first sounded as though you were heading into a classic slump/purge, your mention of having reached a plateau put things back in perspective. Now it sounds rather more as though you'd finally come to a point where you've "joined yourself to yourself," so to speak. If this is what you were seeking, if this is what you wanted, and, if this is what stands to make you truly happy, then Bravo, girl! As Deborah (our resident Jungian ) mentioned, this self-integration is a laudable goal, yet one that is very difficult to achieve. May you thrive in who you are (you seem like a wonderful person, and I consider it my loss not to have met you sooner). Just remember, Gaby, who we (humans) are is never set in concrete. Should you one day feel the desire to express this side of you (even if only for the hell of it!), please try to not prevent yourself from doing so, eh?

In the end, it would be a darn shame to hide those gorgeous legs of yours under a pair of trousers...

Love,
CJ

[Estefania]

Cathy,

Same here. Nice meeting you. Hey, don't say that out loud! (about how your attitude is similar to mine) people is going to think you are nuts!

Seriously, all through the last years since I started CDing more seriously, against just cding partially and staying home which changed to dressing fully and going out, my motivations were never about the clothes themselves. Yeah, sure, as a teenager I can't tell you what the feeling of pantyhose did to me. (Ok, I can tell you, but I wont!) However, later, pantyhose was only part of a whole... the feminine look. And a look that allowed me to peek to the world "from the other side of the skirt". Which in itself, is a fascinating experience.

Cindy, don't feel bad about your posting, girfriend! We get to talk online from time to time, so, no need to go all serious about things now.

Ah... I'm glad you remember... Like you, I was a newbie to the chatrooms and groups long time ago. And because of people like Vicki Rene and others, who were kind enough as to open their hearts to me, I felt the need to do the same to those other newbies behind me.

Hi JoAnn! I don't know... being able to integrate what society calls feminine and masculine characteristics into one individual is kind of tricky. Because as men, we know that people may eat us alive if they notice that we are "different" or "softer". So, the main thing is to realize that we shouldn't care about what they may think. It is just so liberating to be able to express our emotions, no matter what we are wearing! To be able to hug our parents and children and friends, if we feel like it... etc, etc. My best wishes, hoping your journey will bring to you a point in which you and your wife will be able to feel in peace about it all.

CJ, pleased to meet you as well.
I don't think I can tell I was looking for "this" about somehow living CDing behind of me, at least until/if it calls me back again. It has been a long process in which I went from the state of awe about finding the internet and others like me, to the dumps of self doubt, wondering if I would really be a TS or not, to the glory of self acceptance. And with this self acceptance came the realization about how my CDing has always been about choice. I do believe that one of the greatest gifts of God to humanity was the freedom of choice. Like I said before, I was too young to chose to start being interested in CDing. But there came a point in my life in which I took responsibility about it. What would it matter if it was a "biological" thing? Nothing. What if it was "environmental"? Nothing either! The choice is there every day. For each one of us. Isn't that wonderful? And if you decide to CD today, and have fun with it, that's just great!! You did it because you wanted to... not because you couldn't resist the urge to do it.

Sorry, that wasn't exactly a reply to your message. Yes, you can be sure that if later in my life, the feeling comes back to me, I won't think I have failed in my purpose of not cding... You know why? Because that is not a promise or even an intention. It is a choice, and life can make us re-evaluate our choices at any given time. Thanks!!

Gaby

[Estefania]

Nice meeting you, Suuzin. A writer, huh? There are quite a few of those in my family, too. From my mom, 2 aunts, grandparents... and in a really lesser degree, even myself. (But forgive me, English is not my first language, so I tend to mess verbs and stuff like that)

Trying to answer your question... It was really about how this was a perfect opportunity for me to CD. And I was really wanting to do it again, to see if I would be able to either recover the spark in it, or at least be able to be totally sure if it was already gone. I do believe that living with the memories about something that we did is a lot better than living wondering how things would have gone if we had dared to do them.

About the other question... My cding pretty much went through the same stages as for most. I used to feel soooo guilty about it. Then I went through trying to justify myself using the same words that many use trying to justify themselves... (Which may be true for them, but were not true for me) ~ I used to repeat to myself how I needed to CD. And also, it was somehow true for a while. I couldn't wait until I had the chance to be on my own for a couple hours so I could have my "fix" of Cding. It became something incredibly important in my life. Like you said, a compulsion. To a point in which all I could do was thinking about when I would be able to do it next. Then... I found the internet...

That changed my life. I found others with similar ideas and feelings. And I was in heaven! I was living for a while surrounded by pink fog. And... it was close to cost me dearly. Because I was allowing myself to believe that all what was surrounding me was real... and it wasn't. I started posting my first and terrible pics. And the reaction of people in the chat rooms was... incredible. So, that made me want to please my audience. Try to look better and better. But the better I did it, the more serious things became. They started telling me that they thought I may be a TS. And I started to believe them. Took me a while to be able to put my feet back on the floor and realize that I was who I said and thought I was, not what others thought they could see in me.

Anyway... I'm getting away from the subject again, sorry.

Mmmm... "Can you talk about why it has been worth the societal and marital risks? " Well... The most important thing about this "journey" of mine was about the self discovery. Like I said, I could still don't know who I was or what I wanted in life, and be tied up to quick cding fixes. I think that I'm a better man, a more balanced (and dare I say wiser) individual because all what I was able to learn about myself and about others in similar situations. So, along with becoming a better man, I became a better husband, and a better father. Is that worth it? I think it is.

Now, about the societal risks... I have been in a very unique situation here. Being a foreigner just arrived to a new city in a new country put me in a situation of being totally anonymous. So, even going out, I really was never in risk of being recognized. Being read as a CD? Sure... and most likely it happened several times. More than the ones I would be able to tell. But... never recognized. However, such situation has changed... After 7 years here, with kids growing up, knowing more people from work, schools, church, etc. the risk started to grow more and more.

If I was single, I wouldn't mind people knowing about my cding. But in my situation, I don't want people to find out. Why? Because it could affect the life of my family. So, this may be tied up to the "cons" which brought me to my decision of "hanging the heels" at least for now.

Please don't hesitate in asking any other questions about things you may be wanting to know. I'll be happy to reply, as time allows me.

And good luck with your book!!

Gaby

[Kathy]

Hi All,

Susan, your last question regarding marital and/or societal risk would not apply in my case. First, I'm not married and second I have never attempted to pass in public.

What struck a chord with me in Gaby's reply to Beauty initially was her comment about not identifying as TG'd. As I said, I have never really felt like I was a woman either in whole or in part. I have always identified myself as a man who enjoys femenine things. Particularly the clothing.

As Gaby went on to describe her feelings regarding her not CDing, she came very close to describing my general feelings the last time I lost the desire. That was last November, just prior to Thanksgiving. I was totally male mode from the skin out. I even had to go out and buy new underware. As it happens, my desire returned to me in late April of this year.

The final point of similalrity was the discussion of choosing to dress or not dress. While the vast majority of my wardrobe is femenine apparel, I do have male clothing readily available should I choose to not indulge on a given day. Since April, I think I have made that choice once.

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Gaby,

We have never communicated before this, that I am aware of. I have just read this entire thread, and I am some what confused. You seem to have cross-dressed for different reasons than I do. Not once have I seen you talk about the emotional needs that this activity has supplied for you. If I could find a healthier way to meet the needs that cross-dressing meets for me, I would stop this activity in a heart beat with no regrets. So if you have found away to do this I would appreciate it if you could share that with us?

I have never dressed to fully look like a woman, I do not own Breast forms, or use any padding on my hips or butt. Nor do I shave anything except my face. The only reason I have for wanting to go outside of my home dressed is because it would just be convenient to be able to do that.

So there is no top of the mountain for me to reach. it is more of a way of staying healthy for me. It's just something I do every day to feel better. Which I interpret as being able to love myself.

I guess if you have not cross-dressed for those reasons, the loss of interest is quite understandable.

[Celia]

Some folks sing for a living, some for a hobby, some out of occasional obligation, and some not at all.

What Gaby seems to be describing is an activity that has, for her, gone from a hobby to an occasional obligation, if that much. Sometimes we develop passions for things that we later lose much of our interest in. I used to be an avid angler, an enthusiastic birder, and a regular hiker; but I don't really schedule time for those activities any more. It isn't that I don't enjoy them; it's just that other things have pushed them down on my list of priorities. Pastimes may result in associations which we maintain long after we've stopped doing what we used to enjoy. Perhaps Gaby is simply maintaining those associations--nothing wrong with that.

Female impersonation has certainly never been a career goal of mine, nor has it ever been something I've thought of as a hobby (though I occasionally make tongue-in-cheek reference to our crossdressing "hobby"). I didn't really get into this because I thought it might be an interesting way to pass the time or a way to showcase my general abilities; something--I don't know what--seemed to push me in the general direction, something that, for me, has always been there and always will be. But certainly I can't speak for everyone.

-Celia

[Estefania]

Darlene,

I guess I didn't mention the emotional needs that CDing may suppy to me, because it doesn't supply any emotional needs anymore.

True, that hasn't been the case all of the time. Earlier in my life, it supplied many things, from sexual gratification, to a feeling of belonging to a group, or acceptance, or a way of expression.

I'm really sorry I can't tell you how I got to where I am now, and really, even if I could, there is no such thing as "one size fit all" way... I know that most of the motivations fadded during the past few years. I know that in part for a feeling of achievement on doing alll the things I ever wanted to do related to CDing. But mostly, because I do recognize that there are many other things more important and better in my life than CDing. ~ Also... maybe for a while I was believing the usual stuff about how I needed the CDing to be able to express my "feminine" side. Well, once you realize that there is no feminine side, or masculine side, but your personality is made up of many things society may call masculine or feminine, you really don't need to be wearing a dress to be able to express your emotions, your feelings, to be able to be loving and caring, etc. All those "feminine" characteristics can and should be integrated into your every day personality.

Anyway, Love yourself!! Just be aware that you don't need any external things to be able to love yourself... Close your eyes, stay still, it doesn't matter if you are naked or wearing a tux or a frock. It is still you!!

[Kathy]

Close your eyes, stay still, it doesn't matter if you are naked or wearing a tux or a frock. It is still you!!

Gaby, I am having difficulty finding words to express how similar your thoughts are to where mine have been leading me. That one simple statement is like a shining beacon in my path to self awareness.

While I, like most others, found dressing to be a form of emotional release in the past, I do not feel that way now. I have been trying to figure this out for the past couple of years. Since finding this forum, so much has become so clear. Each person I have come into contact with here has added a piece to the puzzel of my life.

Your statement may be the piece that ties all the rest together.

Yes, I still do wear the clothes. No, I don't feel like that will change in the forseeable future. But, when I do put on the clothes, it is because I choose to do so not because I need to. I find them to be comfortable, not comforting. More and more I find myself mixing and matching with my "man" clothes and feeling the same regardless.

Perhaps, one day, the desire to wear female garb will pass as it seems to have for you. For now I seem to have reached a plateau where all seems to be in balance.

Thank you all for for helping me to reach this point.

[Estefania]

Dear Kathy,

Sorry it took me so long, I was away (again) on vacation.

I can only tell you that I'm honored if anything I might have said was of any help to you.

Best wishes,
Gaby

[Beauty]

You're staying around even if you don't dress. I'm super duper happy!!!!

It's selfish I know, but I just love knowing you're near. I missed you a lot Gaby.

Beauty

[Estefania]

Beauty! You are so sweet!

I said I would still be around! I'm fortunate enough as to have many good friends like you, and the CDing or not thing won't be an obstacle on my side to still be in touch.

Love,
Gaby

[Erica Bern]

amazing how women look u have erica

[Wendae]

Some advice from a 71 year old CD.. It will come and go but you can be sure it will be back and with a greater intensity. So stop worring about it Honey. If you have a breather from CDing it may come as a relief or you will feel like part of you is missing. Oppertunitys come and go.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Ladies:

We don't mind any of the older topics being 'brought back to life', but this is just a reminder to watch the dates on the older topics . . . there were no new posts/updates by Gaby Romani (in this, her topic) for more than 8 years now, and she has not been to the forum for more than 4 years.


- SL