gender in a blender?

[Anne Bonny]

I feel not at quite at home amongst men, yet while comfortable in the company of women there I find I am not fully accepted either. No interest in hunting,fishing, sports, competition, dominating and leading. Willing to follow a love, to yeild to my love, sensitive emotionally yet a bull in a china shop I have a love of beauty, I can enjoy romantic comedies, listening to women singing beautifully Enya, Loreena McKennitt, Sylvia Burnside envying, desiring. I love women. Yet much of what women truly are remains behind a veil of mystery that I will never access. I can be Masculine yet long to belong desiring beauty and self adornment to feel close to women and that femininity that lies within my soul and my mind. These shifting desires ebb and flow sometimes I am manly not desiring femininity but like a mistress enticing me home I long to dress and be enveloped in my own feminine emotions. Such is it for me and has been all of my life. A secret I have laid bare my inner soul as laying my life out unclothed and completely vulnerable to very few who have my absolute trust and love but I know not their understanding or acceptance. We in our angst remain never fully understood, fully accepted, or fully loved only tolerated even by those who are dearest to our heart because they are incapable of turly being our own true love to half of who we are isn't that like the sad but beautiful celtic music that yearns and torments the heart in this world filled as it is with pain and grief, never fully satisfied but we live and one day as we grow old or sick we go to our true home where all is light, where no pain can touch us, and love surrounds us with understanding and acceptance. My thought of the day.
To a dear friend who has gone away I wrote I do not know how to let go, forgive me for that. I will never forget that once we had a cherished friend, fair thee well. I am friendless, but my wife in life had many but were apparantly only mine by our marriage. My wife lives on yet she is no longer there. So fairwell my love, fair thee well as I care for thee till marriage ends and to home you will pass by to your home.

[Carolynn]

Hi Anne. I am speaking from experience here!! I hope you have a counsellor or someone you can interact with face to face and talk too, not just us. You are investing so much as a caregiver that you will need to have a new direction or you might fall apart when your primary job is not there anymore. If you don't have one, find one. Really!! Your life will go on when your wife finally passes, but lately you have sounded so isolated. Not good for you dear.

[Anne Bonny]

I have Psychiatry and Psychology - but have NEVER opened up this part of who I am to them for then there would be an official record to many eyes. I am seeing them largely for the grief of my wife's condition, and not for shifting gender desires/identities. I am a Man more than I am feminine I believe.

But that is not my focus here. I am focusing on how I feel on the inside my life long angst with this split gender mentally and the longing to find love, understanding, and acceptance for ALL of who I am.
I am known only in part by 99.9% of people and of those who do tolerance is all I have ever found and that within bounds defined by the one who loved the Man of who I am alone. That is the main point and not the other. It is beautiful, yet sad and thus is life!

[Gillian]

I too, am a sucker for a good romantic comedy, then I also like alot of "chick" flicks. What I hear you saying is that you don't fit the mold for the "typical" male. SO WHAT, molds should be broken after the first one is made. Did you know that Ferrari's have a one of a kind engine. They make a sand mold and cast the block, then build the rest of the engine around the cast. The mold is broken after the first cast. Each engine is unique to that particular car, a one of a kind. Ferrari makes alot of money making orginal cars, well the engine at least, so why do humans have to be the same? We are all orginals, but society thinks that we all came off of the same production line in Detroit, or somewhere. How absurd can anything get? If it wasn't for some of the one of a kinds that are in this world, this world would be a pretty boring place.

People tend to fear what they don't understand, yet they love something that is different, as in orginal. It seems like a contradiction, but deep down, people don't want "same old, same old", they just don't know how to change. It is like searching for the "pearl" of great price, when someone finds it, they go and sell whatever it takes to buy it. Personally, I am glad I don't live the "vanilla" life, I want an abundant life full of flavors, colors, and tastes that enliven me. In my case some of this has to do with some of the clothes that I like to wear. Is it really a feminine trait within me, or just a "vanilla" society saying that I have to conform to the rest of the production line output! I would rather be a Ferrari.

[Amanda M]

Dear Anne,

We know, don't we, that in this world, in this life, there is nowhere that fear, pain, anxiety and guilt cannot touch us.

All we can do is forgive OURSELVES for the places where we have fallen short of the (sometimes un- attainable) standards we have set ourselves. When we interact with those we love, and who love us, we do so (if we are honest) in hope and belief, and with compassion. Sitting here, I cannot comprehend the pain that you are bearing right now.

However, I do know this. As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, if you stay true to yourself, keep alive the special love you have for those who mean most to you, you will have given more, so much more than those whose vision is clouded by self-interest, envy or greed.

Your love is a driving force for good - both for you, and those who receive it.

Take heart. This, too, shall pass. But believe in yourself, and you will grow stronger. Nobody will ever understand you totally. That is a simple fact - how could they, when none of us truly understand ourselves.

In my thoughts,
Amanda.

[Emma-A]

I can barely begin to comprehend the pain you are suffering right now, but take heart that after a tragedy like this, things can only get better, even though you can't see it now.

I'm sorry that I'm not so good at giving emotional support, I'm only good at practical advice and hugs! what you said about tolerance, and people only loving the masculine part of your persona really struck home with me. Earlier this week Emma felt very lonely and unloved for that same reason. But then I had an online chat with an old ( male) friend from overseas, and he accepted this part of me and actually loves it. Obviously thats not quite the same as being loved by my wife, who only tolerates my fem persona, but it's a start that has given me hope where previously there was none.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that although you may be in a very dark place now, a glimmer of hope will appear when you least expect it.

If I were physically present, I would give you a big hug now, but a virtual one will have to suffice

luv,
Em

[Anne Bonny]

We simply want to be loved and accepted for who we are. We are not Child Molesters, thieves, murders, gigalos, racists, etc.... I am sure there are men, especially men who like men who have no problem with it, and some who are not - a few. That does nothing for me because I want what does not exist being loved and accepted for who I am by women.

[Emma-A]

We simply want to be loved and accepted for who we are. We are not Child Molesters, thieves, murders, gigalos, racists, etc.... I am sure there are men, especially men who like men who have no problem with it, and some who are not - a few. That does nothing for me because I want what does not exist being loved and accepted for who I am by women.

I do understand what you are saying, and can sympathise with you. I'm still a little confused myself as I've only recently discovered my repressed femme side, but I can already see the problems that others have been facing for many years.

I think that the vast majority of people in civilised areas do accept us, whether they be men or women. Unless you are unfortunate enough to live in the 'bible belt' of the US for example. I was also curious of your comment about 'men who like men' above. It has been suggested that gay men in general are less accepting of crossdressers than hetero men. However I don't know if there is any truth in that.

So the real problem comes down to finding a genetic woman who not only tolerates or accepts our femme side, but actually loves that part of us. Sadly the vast majority of women can't go beyond acceptance, or at best support our femme side. There are a few notable exceptions, but I would guess that the probability of any given woman loving our femme side as much as our masculine side would be less than 1*10^-5. Not very good odds I think.

Maybe I'm being overly negative about this, but based on my limited experience it feels to me too that the crossdresser is destined for a life of emotional deprivation.

Probably not what you needed to hear, I know. But I also feel the same and couldn't keep it inside.

With love,
Em

[Anne Bonny]

Well, thinking of drag queens who attract homosexual males - like what was it? The Bird Cage? But you are right we live with an angst, mostly hidden, too afraid to let that side of ourselves free but t'is a prison to which only we hold the key....

[Ralitsa]

Really Anne I think it is the situation with your wife that is getting you down so bad, and not so much the CDing and associated issues. I really can't imagine how it feels for you to be going through this with the person you love so much and who has been the center of your life for decades. But I do know how you feel about seemingly not having any friends, I'm pretty much in the same boat there. I've always been a strange one, and while people like me pretty well at a distance, I'm hard to like close-up.
As we've all said a million times, stereotypes in general, and gender defined personality traits are all pretty meaningless. Natural variation is huge and the majority doesn't get to rule our personal lives. Sometimes I think, here in the US, the idea of majority rule becomes something of a religion and we forget that more often than not the majority is wrong. Not to diverge in a political direction, but the structure of our nation was configured to resist the tyranny of the majority. Which is a long way of saying, don't worry about what everyone else thinks.
Yeah, that's so much easier said than done.....
Well I find that the longer I wear feminine clothes, the more that I am comfortable displaying other feminine qualities. No surprise there, others have also said that. I also find that people treat me much differently, most of them are much more considerate, a few are jerks. What I find most interesting is that I think people are more likely to be honest about their feelings toward me: when someone didn't much like me anyway, now they have a reason to avoid me; if someone has something to say they can do it under the guise of being curious or whatever. It's definitely a catalyst for conversation and discussion that would otherwise be avoided.
What I also find, and this is probably a surprise, is that I'm also more comfortable displaying masculine qualities. The reason being: I really dislike abnoxious males who behave overtly macho, to the point where I repress anything that may be viewed as abnoxiously macho. I also dislike sexism and racism although most of my philosophy would lead one to believe that I in fact am sexist and racist. So I try to be careful not to display any behavior that will catagorize me as the typical sexist, racist, macho, obnoxious, white male. I can't really do anything about being white, oh well. That again is a bad stereotype, very few white males are like that, but they get the reputation anyway.
So when I'm wearing a pretty dress and heels, I can say practically anything and it can't possibly be considered sexist or macho. If someone disagrees they can just write it off as craziness from that dizzy blonde. I can tell people that I like shooting and talk about my rifles without them thinking I'm some serial killer or wacko revolutionary. I can say that I think too many people are whiny cry-babies and should go get a job instead of looking for government handouts without people thinking I'm heartless and cruel.
DISCLAIMER-the above statements are given merely as examples and not meant to instigate political arguments
So, "gender in a blender", yes I completely agree. We are all some strange amalgam of characteristics. Oddly, very few people ever try to know who a person really is, they just have some expectation of who one should be based on their clothing and circumstances. How weird is that?

[Anne Bonny]

I should relax. my hair is a little longer but by no means even over my ears yet, my nails are growing longer, and in Physical Therapy today I know the guy helping me looked and noticed them, but they are not shaped or shined and many people who play guitar like longer nails to pluck the strings. my legs are shaved and I have nail polish on my toes but Wearing long pants and socks who knows. I have to get over it and so do others. Perhaps that is how it starts. I am not an obnoxious male and actually prefer the company of women. I am not an aggressive person.

[Ralitsa]

Yes Anne, I think you should relax. I know that you have a lifetime of thinking that people are inspecting you and looking for things to criticize, and probably some people are still doing that now. But I like a phrase my niece used once "nobody needs to care about that". Even if they think they do care about it, and want to voice an opinion on the subject, that isn't your problem. My brother is in that category, he really, really doesn't like what I wear, but his opinion causes more discomfort to himself than it does to me. Whether he ever gets over it or not is not something I worry about, I have gotten over it. I've accepted this part of myself, and I like it. There are some other parts of myself that I like less: I have a tendency to be dismissive of others; I'm not very sympathetic; I'm something of an arrogant know-it-all. So there are aspects of my personality that need work, but I'm keeping the crossdressing part

[Karin]

I should relax. my hair is a little longer, my nails are growing longer, my legs are shaved and I have nail polish on my toes but Wearing long pants and socks who knows. Perhaps that is how it starts.

*smiles and says nothing..

You better watch out Anne, you might just end up sitting next to me on that plane out to Thailand!

[Wendae]

Anne, I live in Tampa and have found no one pays much attention to....shaved legs, arms, and chest (including my dermatologist. My doctor knows and is a GG), my finger nails and toes have a light pink polish covered with Hard AS Nails.I wear slides. My ears are triple pierced and I wear studs or jeweled hoops.
Most of the time I only wear shorts although it's cooler now so high heeled boots or women's sneakers, rider jeans and a plain woman's pullover when not dressed as I would prefer. Friends, family, etc have never even raised an eye brow. Maybe it's because I'm 6 ft and 230 pounds and balding(have a pony tail tho)All of the clothing is pretty mch unisex unless some one really looked hard.
I used to be afraid to drive while dressed until I realized few people even look at you and of course tinted windows help. I'm fortunate in that so far all of my experiences have been positve when out an about enfem. If you are not overt no one cares!
My wife puts up with me but is still not a fan. However, she has stuck it out for 47 years. There have been some rough times tho. Purges, attempted supression of the need, anger, headaches, shakes, alcoholism.
Being a cross dresser is not for sissies! I often wonder if the good out weighs the bad. What we sacrifice to be our real self.

[Anne Bonny]

Yeah....I am wearing lingerie alot also (under dressing) and a lady's watch. Still fighting to lose weight. The depression has made me immobile so I have decided to become more mobile for my own health - the walking daily 2.5 miles, also moved my recline cycle and the air strider to the living room, not snacking until dinner - that is some progress:)

Well my marriage is just over 21 years but Alzheimers started worsening and imparing the relationship about 2-3 years ago. It definitely takes a toll - it's hard. But We made our dental check up with one son, then got our flu shots, now she is starting to yell in the back ground and hallucinate - sigh. I would like to tell my full blood sister as she is more moderate and had no problem when one of her sons discovered on facebook that my older son wrote that he is in a relationship with another boy, my older and more traditional sister called, then I called the younger of my older sisters and she just stated that people are born that way, so and so's son is gay....etc... Wonder if she knows about me or if she would react in the same way. But no way would I want my older older sister to know as she would absolutely not be understanding or accepting.

I think if we make the decision to go out in public that is a decision well we see people we know, what will the consequences be for our cozy little world? Perhaps it will just mean breaking a few eggs but I like my church.