losing the plot

[Emma-A]

emma i also feel for u cause i have gone thru a similar experience! i am going thru a divorce cding was the last straw.
i present a macho image but i are far from that. my internal struggle has damaged me emotionally to the point that i am a lack sensitivity and a sense of caring. first step for me was to realize the damage that was done. then learn to accept me for who i am. how can anyone accept u if u have doubts about urself!
slow steps! set little goals. and like i have learned a therapist and a place like this is critical!

Anya, although these are early days for me, I can relate you your struggle. Perhaps I've not suffered as msuch damage as you have, but like you I have a lot of pain and confusion inside me to the extent that don't know who I am any more. I'm not fit to be a husband, I'm not good at dealing with women's emotions on top of my own overpowering emotions, or being compromising and understanding. I know these are my weaknesses and I try to improve them but always seem to fail. So crossdressing and the discovery of my feminine side has not been the cause of, but rather just been the final nail in the coffin for my marriage. I feel so sorry for my wife, that I married her and she's had to put up with my weakness and confusion. She desserves better, but if I try to meet her needs all the time, I end up feeling tense and unhappy.

[Ralitsa]

no, it doesn't make any more sense, but I never expected it to

I don't know, I'm not any good at relationships so I'm the last one to offer an opinion. In my case also, my CDing was used as the reason for a divorce but I think the true reason was entirely different. I am very linear, and I also consider myself to be smarter than everyone else, so I figure that if it doesn't make sense to me then it cannot possibly be valid. Well it doesn't take a genius to figure out where that attitude got me

Curiously, I think that she could have taken advantage of my CDing to get around my normal obnoxious self to a more compassionate person. But instead her argument was that I wasn't masculine enough, in that I didn't beat her and humiliate her in public and treat her like a piece of chattel, I guess. Well if there is an answer somewhere, I sure don't know it.

[Emma-A]

no, it doesn't make any more sense, but I never expected it to

I don't know, I'm not any good at relationships so I'm the last one to offer an opinion. In my case also, my CDing was used as the reason for a divorce but I think the true reason was entirely different. I am very linear, and I also consider myself to be smarter than everyone else, so I figure that if it doesn't make sense to me then it cannot possibly be valid. Well it doesn't take a genius to figure out where that attitude got me

Curiously, I think that she could have taken advantage of my CDing to get around my normal obnoxious self to a more compassionate person. But instead her argument was that I wasn't masculine enough, in that I didn't beat her and humiliate her in public and treat her like a piece of chattel, I guess. Well if there is an answer somewhere, I sure don't know it.

Your second sentence above was of particular interest to me. After allowing my fem side to show, I found I was better able to understand and empathise with my wife's feelings, and support her. However, since she chose to reject that part of me, I've somehow lost that ability and reverted back to my ususo insensitive self. So it feels to me that I have two personalities which I can't easily mix and match to suit my wife's needs, because if I try to be sensitive to her I come across as feminine in other ways ( the Emma personality) and so she bites my head off. Anyway, last night she made it clear that any crossdressing or feminine behaviour is from now on unacceptable and she will distance herself from me if I do it. She even said she wants a divorce. So there completes the full turnaround in my wife's attitude to this.

I don't suppose many others on this forum will understand this, some may even think I'm being misleading, perhaps attention seeking. But it is the truth as I see it from where I stand. If I'm really not telling the truth then I must be in an even worse mental state than I feel.

Thankyou Ralitsa, I know you believe me and understand, even if others do not.

With love,
Emma.

[DonnaT]

I reckon that's not much different than with my wife.

She's not particularly bothered by what I wear, as long as I don't look like a woman nor act feminine.

So, I wear my outfits around the house without a wig or makeup.

[Anne Bonny]

Well, communication is the key. Sit down and talk about it. I know that I am really just me no matter how I am dressed, in heels the way I walk necessarily changes, and sitting in a dress or a skirt does seem to require some modesty as in crossing legs, or keeping them together in a skirt or dress that falls just above the knees, or locking ankles. Also we dress appropriately for what we plan to do, who would mow the grass in a dress. jeans or shorts are more approptiate. Relaxing around the house, or light housework things like that are fine in a dress or skirt if you like. But I never strike a pose adapt a falsetto voice, or become flamboyant in my movements - nope, just me given I am not as rough moving around in female attire, tend to be a little reckless and fast moving in male attire on my boat, mowing the lawn.

I have heard that some may adapt machismo as a cover for their insecurity about their feminine side, which for me is just a feeling inside, or a yearning desire to just be how I am feeling. but You need to communicate that you have been projecting a macho or tough masculine behavior but that at times you need to be yourself. Traits we pick out and assign as being feminine are often shared by both sexes. Tell her you want me to be strong masculine and decisive, but I am really have some insecurities, prefer an equal partnership in marriage, and shared decision making, I am really a sensitive person inside and I do love you but am feeling that you may not love me anymore because of this. See what she says - I am a man but I am more open, laid back, I can work hard but driving over people and competing is not really who I am - (I don't really know how you are just being hypothetical) Sit and tell her we need to talk - I love you. There are usually some understandings or rules so that she can be comfortable, this is what I can live with, but not that.... Stay within the ground rules she sets. There is a difference between a bit of fun on a lark, but there is also a difference between acceptance and support vs tolerence. Very few women are comfortable with this so what you are probably seeing is that she is now having to see you differently and adjust to that and develop some limits within which she can tolerate the new you. Hope that helps in some way. She may have some fear that perhaps friends will leave, Job may be at risk who knows....

[Anthony Simon]

I don't suppose many others on this forum will understand this, some may even think I'm being misleading, perhaps attention seeking. But it is the truth as I see it from where I stand. If I'm really not telling the truth then I must be in an even worse mental state than I feel.

As a generality if someone says about me "that's the truth as you see it", I take it as "what a load of old rubbish but you believe it". It's a kind of way of not confronting something that the person feels is wrong in what I say, while neverthless getting her dissent on the record (there is one particular person who does it to me).

I know people do say it about themselves. But I don't, because I feel it's kind of obvious that all of us have their biases and see things through various coloured lenses. But, if you take that perspective, there is no particular reason that you should be in any different a mental state to everyone else. In fact you woud be pretty typical.

I think you're quite good at making up explanations. But sometimes your explanations don't match up with what you previously said. I doubt that really you're trying to mislead people here. Why would you bother? But you might be trying to kid yourself.

If you end up in a divorce out it, that would be a tragedy. Which is why I'm writing this post. Or anyway, part of the reason.

[Emma-A]

Perhaps thats the problem, I'm such a mess that I repeatedy try to analyse things and come to different conclusions. Like you hinted, I really don't want things to end in divorce, but for things to work out I've got to hide portions of my personality, and I'm not confident that I can do that and still be happy, which will also cause problems.

Anyway, to avoid adding to the confusion from now on, I'll try to stop analysing situations so much. It doesn't really help and just makes me look inconsistent and irrational.

The good news is that although the situation is not improving, I''ve been coping a bit better with it the last day or so.

[Karin]

For what it's worth Emma, I totally get this, you're not misleading anyone at all.

I'm no expert, I don't think such a thing exists, but sometimes in relationships things can take a different turn, and people get confused. Confusion is a tricky thing to navigate and it can make us try things, say things and do things we might not always do. This can be good or bad. Next thing you know things are going a thousand miles an hour and the brakes don't work. If they do, then there's a ton of eggshells you have to walk on? Or maybe that's just how it was for me.. I have no answers I'm afraid, but maybe you guys need to get them brakes fixed and explore some common ground in the sloooow lane.
and to you Emma

[Emma-A]

Thanks Karin, you are a real sweetheart! Funny you mention brakes - I dropped my motorcycle (on the driveway!) and broke the brake lever. And for some reason one or more of the brake discs on the car seems to have warped recently and is causing brake judder. Fixed the bike today but need a nice dry day before I can contemplate replacing the car's brake discs and pads. A bit annoying as it's only done 16k miles since I last replaced them all.

luv,
Em

[Karin]

It's a sign!!

Gotta fix the brakes Emma

I'd lend you a hammer but it's the only tool HE never had. I got loads of tools but not one of them. Karin would be dangerous with a hammer...

[Emma-A]

It's a sign!!

Gotta fix the brakes Emma

I'd lend you a hammer but it's the only tool HE never had. I got loads of tools but not one of them. Karin would be dangerous with a hammer...

Hmm, don't like hammers. I usually break things with them. things were a bit weird tonight, watched a film that the wife wanted to see, but it hit a bit too close to home for comfort. Nearly broke into tears in the cinema, and again whilst driving home.

Talking of the type of brakes that you were referring to; I feel that the best years of my life are over and it's just downhill now. I feel trapped and like there is nothing to look forward to. So I reasoned that if I want to have a bit of fun and freedom, I've got to do it now.This particularly applies to crossdressing because I seem to be aging quite rapidly now, especially the face. my stubble seems to be getting thicker and denser and will soon be impossible to mask. So I worry that in a few more years I'll not look passable, because my face will give me away as an old man! So it feels like if I were to apply the brakes now, that it'll be too late to explore this aspect of my life.

I'm actually quite envious Karin of how young your face looks, despite being at nearly a decade's disadvantage. How do you do it?

Luv,
Em

[Karin]

Running out of time.. Gotta get it in before its too late.

Couple this with the complexities of normal everyday life and it all looks terribly urgent doesnt it Emma? Youre sounding like a prime candidate for a shiny new juggernaut now. I parked mine up in the Here's Karin thread last week, its there if you want it..

I know too well these emotions, like you said im at 'nearly a decades disadvantage'. Im not gonna say its all fun and roses cos its not, Theres times when its very very hard, but yes theres mostly times where its a new lease of life to say the least. Let me ask you this though..have you never heard the phrase 'life BEGINS at 40? trust me, its true hahaha (for me it was 40.4 to be precise).
Just cos we age, doesnt mean its all bad. I wouldnt turn back the clock now even if i could, lifes better than ever. And what i dont undertand is why you imply you have to make a choice betwen your marriage and your gender at this point? Youre still going to the movies with your wife, its not over yet ya know? And really its such early days you havent even began to explore all the lovely shades of grey in between your two views? It takes a lot longer than a few weeks to carve out a future Emma, and i still think that thats not enough time for anyone to make an informed choice. Maybe you guys are mixing relationship issues with gender issues that could be better handled seperately, i dont know. But its not a race, i know that much..

How to try and keep a younger look you ask?

1) Think young
2) Use Television studio makeup
3) Get a really posh camera that cheats for you!

[Denise Douglas]

"3) Get a really posh camera that cheats for you!"

Not to get off topic too far, if your camera accepts filters on the end of the lens, there are filters you can use to "soften" the image, there are some made specifically for that. You can also use a plain UV filter and put a very thin, light coat of vaseline on the filter to soften the image.
DeniseD

[Carly]

or use photoshop and you won't need to clean the lens.

[Emma-A]

or use photoshop and you won't need to clean the lens.

Haha, lense is already broken, so that helps a bit!

Had a bit of a strange moment this evening. was driving with the wife back from the supermarket along the country lanes, tonight, and I felt completely detached from reality, a bit like playing a driving game on the computer. I think I was still in proper control, but it felt very uncomfortable, l was very conscious that I might make an error. Haven't ever felt like that before I think so not sure what to make of it. I didn't say anything to the wife because she is already troubled by my recent changes so didn't want her to worry about my ability to perform everyday functions as well. Weird thing was I used to get impatient when shopping, but this time I was the one looking aimlessly at everything, clothes and all. I was a lot more relaxed about it than usual. I guess thats Emma showing through again, despite my efforts to hide her.

I felt normal again a short while after getting back in the house though, so I hope it was a one off. very strange. Anyone else here ever experienced such a phenomenon.

luv,
Em.