Crossdressing

[Anne Bonny]

You know I think discussing this with the psychologist has helped, I believe I would be more open to sharing this aspect with some. But primarily my depression over my life as a caregiver, that the relationship and the woman I married is just mostly (90%?) - gone...due to the advance of alzheimers. Not that I do not love her now but my love is more a sacrificial Love now. We did love each other, and had a good marriage but though there is a trace of our former love - she will still tell me on occasion I love you, or we should be married, she still knows that I am her husband when confronted with who am I? Even so our intimate relationship is gone - I cannot do more than a brief peck on the lips or a hug and no longer desire anything further because of her impairment - that would be taking advantage of her especially now that she is far from having her full faculties, may not have any at all as she is totally dependent on my care. There is therefore absolutely no desire left in me so the relationship has changed nothing I or she can do it just is. And being a man I know what is right and wrong for us. enough said.

Of late my drive to crossdress is fairly suppressed, not that it is absent funny how I can desire, yet when I try to move towards crossdressing I may, but then don't. I do have my legs shaved, and toes with a rose colored gloss for the past month. I do wear panties on occasion, more rarely fully underdressed. But nothing I can do - have some periods that are more down than at other times. Psychologically cannot leave the immediate area my wife is unless one of my sons or a sitter is with her. I do walk, and get out, went to see skyfall with my sons several weeks back. All of this is nothing I can do anything about and will be this way until she passes still a ways off - she has had this for over 7 years now.

[LisaK]

Hi Anne. Just thought I would share a little with you. You are not alone. I am a full time caregiver for my wife who is bedridden. Not a fun job is it ? Sometimes I look at her and can hardly stop from wallowing in tears. Then I slap myself and say get the job done boy(girl-hehe)
From day to day we never know who will leave first. I still think the "for better -----etc"
are words we meant when I said them and I will do my best to keep them. This weekend I fainted and fell on Friday had surgery on Sat and home on Sunday. Isn't life interesting? hehe
Hope this finds you having a nice day...

[Anne Bonny]

Hope you are alright, do you have a terminal condition? You stated you did not know which of you would go first. We have a routine. Everything is about as well as can be expected so I complain and whine too much. Did you see the policeman who purchased thick socks and a pair of boots for a homeless man laying on the sidewalk with bare feet on a cold night? When we think of others it helps to get our minds off of our selves, I am asking God what can I do amidst a holiday that has become a commercial orgasm of selfish greed within our families - Though there is nothing wrong with sharing presents WITHIN REASON - hum typing as my nails are growing making them slide off the keys is difficult - have to get used to typing with the pads of the fingers. So as I am blessed with some abundance I can afford to give I bet that policeman had such a wonderful feeling inside when he presented and helped the smiling man put his new socks and boots on - what a blessing, what compassion. That is the best way to give - personally person to person, or volunteering in a homeless shelter, or even if it is donating money but that is kind of sterile although you do know the money will be used to help people. I may give to the NJ Salvation Army again as the Sandy victims face a long recovery and it is cold outside. I always liked the example of Francis of Asisi. See his prayer. I will pray for you and your wife - Anne

[LisaK]

Happy Holidays..

[Anita]

Anne, I do feel for your situation, as I share a somewhat similar role with my girlfriend. Alzheimer's is one of the worst diseases to deal with, and I have it nowhere near that rough. Our issue is with a form of chronic fatigue. It keeps my gf bedridden up to 16 hours a day, and also makes her unable to function when awake and sitting up. But our saving grace is that if she stays up all night, she can begin to function somewhat normally by the middle of the next day. She can only do this once or twice a week, but it's enough to give her some kind of quality of life.

Since about 2009, my life has been like trench warfare. It is constant battle, there's no clear wins or losses, and it goes on indefinitely. I've gotten used to it being that way, and I accept it as it is. It took a long time to stop longing for the past, and being angry that things had changed. Like grieving, it doesn't seem like a person can hurry up this process of acceptance. It comes in its own time. I'd glad that I have some degree of it. It has allowed me to be more consistent in making sure that there is a full meal on the table every night, no matter what demands work has put on me.

I'm seeing right now a next step, and it involves unfreezing my sense of wanting to laugh and play. It was beaten out of me by words and actions when I was a child-I was just "too much" for my parents, who were in their 40s and had 5 other children to raise. My energy level was way higher than they could handle, so they stopped it in any way they could. You would think that I would have solved this problem years ago, but it has resisted most of my efforts. At age 61, I find that I have nothing to lose by going all-out to try to bring back this lost part of me. I think that my girl self was a way of trying to solve this problem, and me becoming her did help; I did find new outlets for laughing and being playful. Something more is needed, though, and my male self has to do the work.

This is chicken and egg. You and I can both say, what have I got to laugh about? This is a serious situation we're in. That's true. At the same time, if we have no expression of our lighter sides, there is no let-up in the grind we face. I'm going to try to revive the stand-up comedy act I did on local TV one night. Not to get rich and famous, but to exercise a part of me that gets buried way too easily. If this resonates with you at all, you may have your own version of what it takes to bring in some lightness to your routines. It's a feeling that other people may take for granted; I can see that most if not all of my friends have humorous exchanges with the people around them. I don't--I'm an extreme case of having little or no access to the healing aspects of humor. Sure, people try to banter with me, but as most of us know, you can't will yourself to "lighten up." You've got to feel it inside of yourself first. My job right now is to find out what will allow me to feel it. I already know that when I do break through for a moment, there can be a severe backlash / depression the next day. I had to learn that that was part of the process, and that it would pass.

I'm glad you've got someone to talk to now. I don't have any immediate solutions for either of us, but just putting out a statement of where I'm at now may be of some help to bring a little spark of fire to your situation.

[Anne Bonny]

I guess there is nothing they can do with chronic fatigue?? Seems like some form of imbalance somewhere mineral or hormonal, sounds like something which is difficult for a physician to pinpoint. Sorry, sounds awful.

I by nature do on occasion make light of things, but that has eluded me lately. Today I thought of a friend we lost of over 20 years was thinking about that, not sure I took my medications this morning? yesterday I was two days without a shower, same clothes, and no interest in doing anything those are the signs. I have our boys - teens, but no adult conversation except by phone to a sister, rarely the younger of the two but we are kind of different. The sitters are hired help but nice. The Church there are nice people there but they are just acquaintences, I really felt the loss of that friend - one of my wife's friends actually. She was so often present throughout our marriage that she was like family. I had let myself become overly attached to her we accepted her as an unofficial family member who would come to visit on occasion through our travels. I was always happy to see her in some way I loved her but never spoken, she was like a ray of sunshine in our lives. With my wife in her current state I had hoped she would remain a friend but she walked away. My fault. Venting on the phone about our tribulations, but happened to let slip how I felt, and hoped she would always continue to be a friend she is a Catholic, I am presbyterian so not marriage, or anything really further just wanted friendship or companionship - I scared her away I suppose. So that would not be considered adultry I do not believe - perhaps that is how she saw it? sigh. Here I am a caregiver, and will eventually be left alone with no prospects. She would have been such a good friend because besides family she had been there along the way on and off we affectionately called her Aunt XXXXXXXX. Alone is a very difficult thing to be when you are no longer working, interesting, or in your prime, oh and Crossdress around the house on occasion though only my wife knew and told only the fledgling adult son about a year ago. Alone, alone, all all alone, alone on a wide wide sea, and n'er a saint took pity on my soul in agony.....

[Leeza]

Before my wife passed I told some of the hospice people that the thing I feared the most about her passing would be the loneliness that I knew was coming.

I have missed her greatly, but the loneliness is what gets to me the most.

[Anne Bonny]

Gee not encouraging leeza, our future doesn't look good, have you tried getting in with some kind of group? Perhaps showing your masculine self - if it is still there and trying to follow some interest you have where women are involved too? All I have is Church but not many there. Perhaps take a fun class at a junior college? Sometimes different places offer courses on art, crafts, I think that might be a good way. Some activity that lasts awhile with both men and women showing up would be a way to meet some one?

[Leeza]

I am an officer in VFW and Am Vets and serve on the house committee for the canteen. We changed managers so ATM most of my day time is filled with getting the new manager taught.

Nights are the worst as there is only me and the dog. I have gotten a little involved with a church activity, but it is a church that is totally new to me and I don't feel comfortable there yet.

I have done a little traveling with some more planned this month.

There are just times when I am over whelmed by the loneliness and being with people doesn't help at those times.

[Denise Douglas]

I can so relate to the feelings expressed in this thread! In the little over two months since my wife passed away, I've had some very lonely times, sometimes even when surrounded by people. And yes, nights are a bad time for me as well as it's just me and the cats. The small church I go to has been extremely supportive, my handful of close friends likewise, and one of my online friends has been extremely helpful, checking up on me with texts, IMs, etc. to see how I'm doing. My wife's health issues dragged on for a number of years, but the point is I still love her and miss her very much and I don't see myself as being ready for any type of relationship for a couple of years if not longer (or perhaps never). So I try to stay busy and keep moving slowly forward, starting to go to a grief counseling group as that would likely be helpful to me. I hope everyone is able to work through the grief process, it is often not easy and progress can seem very slow. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone going through these issues.
DeniseD