Coming out about cross-dressing to your family

[Ralitsa]

I'm sure it will all work out fine, don't worry

Let us know what you hear back.

[Kittie]

She took it very well and had suspected that I was but did not want to say anything but was pleased tht Ifelt able to tell her

I wrote
Katie......I think the time has come for me to tell you about a certain matter which you might have already had a thought about and not said anything to me. For the last few years I have at certain times worn feminine or unisex garments. Some given to me such as cast-off sweaters/shirts by you but most bought by me.. My cross-dressing has gradually increased over the years to some female vests in particularly the thermal variety and several tops. I have found panties more comfortable than male pants and now I only use plain panties and really they are little different than male ones! When I was working I used to wear tights in winter to keep warmer on outside jobs and wore them quite openly but now when I can use suitably warm tights as an item of wear in winter. I have some unisex slacks which I wear in the confines of the house in the evenings & a skirt. I love the freedom it gives.. It is hard for men since ladies can easily cross-dress & do openly & not knowing they do. I was going to tell you today when we were speaking on the phone. Mum has been helpful and accepting. Please don’t be too shocked and take me still as Dad. I felt I had to tell you before I got caught out. I did not wear the other week-end when I meant to tell you about it......Dad

[Davita]

Congrats Kittie. Good Jobs -- raising her and telling her.

[Kittie]

i decided I must tell and wrote a well-composed e-mail to her today & I am waiting t he response[/quote]

The response was good & I think sh had already realised it

[Kerra]

I found out my father was CD when I was really young but in an abruptive way. Late at night when no one else was around. I was told the wrong information though, he made an excuse why he did it rather than just talk about the actual reason. Albiet I was under 8yo at the time, but that would have been the point where honesty would have been the better route.

I do believe that finding out the hard way has caused some sort of mental distance between us, and it's only after 30+ years that we are getting closer again. My mother is aware of it too but I think she gives him space and isn't involved.

I myself found that I turned to CDing early on as well, probably 9 or 10. I found it shameful and hid it from my mother and father, though I am pretty sure my mother knew as I remember she walked in on me once and I freaked out. She did't talk to me about it either and I wish that she had started the dialog there, something as simple as "if you want to wear girls clothes, I'll buy you some". Or "it's ok to do that, other people might not be comfortable about it, but if you want to wear those at home you can. She could have bought me some clothes my size and age appropriate and supported me. I probably wouldn't have guarded it so much around my wife later in life.

Years later I've almost lost my marriage because of my urges to dress though I slowly let me wife know I liked it but it started during sex as something kinky. She now thinks it's just a way for me to 'get off'.

After a lot of counselling but not specifically to do with CDing and dealing with anger from other issues and being able to communicate with her about it, she is tollerant now of me being allowed to do things like wear nail polish and wear leggings around the house. She knows she doesn't want to stop me being myself and has no right to tell me what I can and can't do, but she didn't want to be a part of it.

We have an 8yo daughter too and I swore I'd never let my child stumble upon me and go through what I did. So I chose to be honest with her.

Our daguther doesn't care about the leggings she sees that as normal. When I walked out with nail polish both on hands and feet (purple mind you, I really love purple) made her laugh but not maliciously, just humourously. Her reaction was an exclaimation you're wearing nail polish! That's for girls! So I just told her, well, it's just color on your nails. How is that for girls only. She couldn't answer it. Why is nail polish for girls only? It's a form of self expression, enjoying your nails we have just come to accept in society that nail polish is a female expression and not an expression of self love.

I've been having the desire to dress how I want a lot recently. I am happy just to be able to wear a skirt and leggings and a top that doesnt' look 'odd'. My wife is ok with me doing this on my own time when she's not around but her preconception (and this is my fault) is that CDing is a sexual act as that's how I introduced it before marriage. However I didn't know why I CD at the time and I thought it was sexual too but now I realize only part of it is. I like anything tight, swimsuits, bodysuits .. etc. I understand now that that part of it is a fetish, and the other part of it - dressing normally is me.

Recently my wife went on a trip out of town and I work from home and have been taking care of our 8yo daugther. I work dressed since I have the privacy and quiet of home to do this. However I found it disruptive to my peace and calm to have to be different when my daughter was around. What do I wear, leggings, skirt, top, nothing sexual nothing provocative just clothes.

We preach and teach acceptance of people regardless of what they look like to her. The topic actually came up that she didn't have enough skirts, as she really loves wearing them. So I decided just let her know I like to wear skirts and dresses and liked it when I was little too. She was surprised and giggled a little. You like to wear skirts?? I said yeah, why not, they're just clothes why do girls get to wear skirts?

I explained to her how generally people out there don't feel comfortable because it's different. She said, you can wear skirts if you want daddy, I don't care. Rather than just jump in and start doing it, I asked her what she thought would look good on me, short, long? She said yeah after thinking about it for a while, short and long are good but not knee height. I was already wearing leggings and put on a plain black long skirt and asked her is this ok? She giggled again and said yeah that's good. We then stopped focussing on the skirt and continued to play a game.

I wear my normal male clothes around the house too and some days I wear skirts other days I don't. To me and to her it's just another set of clothes I like to wear. I am not presenting myself as a woman etiher as my wife doesn't like me to go that far around her. This in-between comprimise allows me to be me and not disrespect my wife's wishes.

I have not mentioned this to my wife yet but at the same time I don't want to discuss it over the phone and would rather do it in person. It's who I am, and I don't want to have to hide it from my daughter, she should know who her father is. I didn't and I don't want to make that mistake with my daughter.

Obviously I told her to not tell other people as it's something that is private and it's none of their business. The kids in our property come around and have seen my nails colored before. They giggled initially too (they're all girls) but they just saw it as normal after a while. I actually heard the girl downstairs mention her mother's bf wears nail polish on his toes. I have a feeling that she told her mother and they've played around with it for fun If it's ok for her friends' father to do it why not.

I've found that being this honest with my daguther has actually allowed me to wear skirts and play girlie games like doll house and other things just didn't want to participate in before. I am more inclined to do so with her dressed than completely male. When I hold part of myself back, I feel like I don't connect as well to either of my girls.

I don't believe anyone else has the right to tell you when and where you should tell your child as long as you are not damaging their development. Obviously the context and material must be age appropirate and the earlier in life the more easily accepted it will be.

I sometimes wish my dad had been more forthcoming about it but I don't know in what context he does it. My sisters know about it too - they stumbled upon him later in life but we don't discuss it as we don't want to make him feel ashamed but really we all don't really care, he's our dad still and it's not something that surfaces to the forground as something that needs to be focused on either if that makes sense.

I think having a strong relationship and honesty is important with your children. You certainly would want to support them and know about if they CD or if they're not hetrosexual or if they want to dress goth or anything that isn't considered 'the norm' so why should it be different the other way around.

[DonnaT]

Good to see you've a healthy relationship with your daughter about this Kerra. Sure make's life simpler doesn't it. No hiding, no lying.

BTW, to the forum.

[Kittie]

Good to see you've a healthy relationship with your daughter about this Kerra. Sure make's life simpler doesn't it. No hiding, no lying.

BTW, to the forum.

I absolutely agree!

[Anthony Simon]

Welcome, Kerra.

So you found out your father CDed when you were 8 and you started dressing up when you were a little older?

[Ralitsa]

Well, adding a new twist to this thread-
My son has been "experimenting" (shall we say?) with girls clothes. Last summer I came across him wearing one of his cousins swim suits. I didn't say anything about it and perhaps he guess that I didn't notice. Some months later another of his cousins mentioned to me that he was "trying to steal her underwear."
All my kids know about me. The youngest seems to not care at all, the others care to varying degress. Mostly I think it's because their mother is trying to use that as her justification for her own behavior, but anyway.....
So I need to address this with him, but I'm not sure whether it's a short-term thing just out of curiosity, or more than that. While I don't care about it at all, his mother would blow a gasket and be convinced that it's somehow my fault. Of course it's imposible to prove that it's not (the same way it is logically impossible to prove the non-existence of anything) but she doesn't concern herself with logic. I suppose that I will use some non-commital approach like, "I don't care what sort of clothes you want to wear, but just don't take them from someone else. They get mad about that. And don't bother trying to hide it from me because it doesn't really matter."
I think that I do not want to flood him with information about it, and cause undo anxiety. And hopefully he won't have all the issues that earlier generations had. Then again, maybe it's just a phase and it will go away in some years.

[Davita]

Ralitsa

I think you're right to just talk about his attempts to take things that aren't his. It gets back to not making a big ting of something so it never becomes one. MY brat is okay with my dressing and she with her hubby says it's my problem whether I tell the grandbrats. For now they are too young and the few things they seem me doing hasn't made a dent in them..

[Kerra]

Welcome, Kerra.

So you found out your father CDed when you were 8 and you started dressing up when you were a little older?

Pretty much. I don't remember why I started but I just wanted to be a girl sometimes. CDing became a comfort thing.


@ Ralitsa
There's strong evidence that crossdressing is caused by genetic disposition or perhaps hormonal changes during pregnancy - so technically gentically or hormonally it could be you and/or wife that indirectly contributed to it. Just google Crossdressing and Genetic you will find plenty of articles and support pages about it.

Your wife should understand that you don't influence people to do this, it's something from within. I thought for the longest time that it was my dad who cursed me to do this. I don't think it is, I have a feeling it would have surfaced in some way or other regardless. Think about it if you dressing was really the cause your other children would also start doing it.

I think your approach is good, make it be about the stealing and provide support in providing clothes that fit him and are his. It will help him feel like it is not an issue and both his parents love and support him. If your wife starts blaming you that will only serve to cause deep seated guilt that your son's dressing is the cause of his mother and father fighting. You don't want to be fighting on this, you want to be supporting him and loveing him and re-assuring him that it's ok to explore his feminine side. If it's not supported it can easily turn to depression and self loathing later in life and problems with relationships. Your son is more important than the issue of where or how it started and you need to calmly explain that to your wife - being the more knowledgeable. If she doesn't want to listen, organise a trip to a gender clinic or a psychologist who deals with this stuff just so she can ask questions and help be supported to support your son.

It may just be an experimentive phase like you said - depending on the age. I had a gravitation towards swimsuits and dresses/skirts when I was around 9 or 10 as well and it certainly wasn't sexual. I also had to 'take clothes' and I feel ashamed for having done that but without the right support you learn to hide it and get what you have access to making it a shameful thing. I wish I had been supported - especially with a parent who also has gone through the same thing.

I wouldn't say "I don't care what clothes you wear" and "don't bother trying to hide it from me because it doesn't really matter." Put yourself in your son's young mind hearing that from his parent.

That comes across a little harsh and unloving though we know where you're coming from your son may not understand it. Re-word it to something more like "It's perfectly ok to want to wear girls clothes and I know how you feel. If you want your own, just ask us and we'll buy you some. Also you don't have to hide it from me if you don't want to as I don't mind but if it makes you feel safer to do it in private then that is ok too. Alternatively, if words are a little hard to say, you could find out what he likes, buy him one and put it under his pillow with a card - love dad - just ask, we'll help you have your own things.

It's a very tender situation you have - your son thinks he needs to take clothes because he isn't getting the support he needs and you don't want to poison his trust or his self confidence with the wrong message.

If this seems embarrasing to him you could try online shopping so he doesn't have to be embarrassed going into a store.

[Kittie]

[quote="Ralitsa"]Well, adding a new twist to this thread-
My son has been "experimenting" (shall we say?) with girls clothes. Last summer I came across him wearing one of his cousins swim suits.

I have a ladies swimsuit and would love to wear it in a public pool or the beach. They are that mmuch more comfortable to wear

[Wendae]

My mother-in-law will be moving in soon and she is about to get a shock. I have a small house and I refuse to quit dressing . This could be interesting. She is 92.

[Mandy]

My wife is the only member of my famiy who knows about my cross-dressing, and is very supportive, we have discussed the question of telling our children, and have agreed that as they both live away from home,one on the east coast and one in London there is no need for them to know, why cause any problems
when it is very unlikely they will ever meet their other mum

Mandy