I wonder what's "WRONG" with me?

[Anne Bonny]

Why? Discussed and a never ending question. We fool ourselves to even think women can be attracted to us in this state, even the knowledge of who we are even if occasionally and they run the other way.
The yearning desire to dress. Yet we are not trans-gendered we are transvestites. Crossdresser being the polite term we prefer to be called. Male Lesbians - that's a joke term because we are not female, but heterosexual males who are messed up. I suppose I am just depressed. And it seems most of the time now I only underdress because I am NEVER alone as a caregiver tied up as if in a prison. But that is off topic. If there were privacy, I could probably dress and probably would for long periods of time, I am not really griping about who I am I suppose, cannot help that.

[Anthony Simon]

When I was a teenager my CDing was always coloured with extremely dark emotions. Like all this boiling rage and agony just stewing around inside it. But that wasn't the CDing per se. That was because I had all this other stuff and it sort of made a dark fusion with it.

So, in that sort of situation, it's not that the glass is half full or half empty. The glass is cracked. And that's how the CDing looked to me, like this terrible thing that was cracking my life.

And that's how your post reads to me, Anne. That you're going through some sort of period where some particularly dark emotions are coming to the surface and they're colouring your perceptions of CDing.

[Karin]

Hi Anne

I can see what youre saying with this post, and yes its one way of looking at things. Im not a CDer myself, Nor a TV so maybe my point of view is different somewhat. I consider myself TS in that i am actively altering my body to suit my mind. That said, a lot of the feelings may be the same, maybe of varying magnitudes, maybe not.

When youre faced with the prospect of the whole world knowing about this and there never being a rewind button, its obviously something to think about? What i have found is that people will see what they want to see, regardless of sometimes obvious oddities. Ive got coworkers calling me trans, whilst the guy next to them, who sees the same stuff has no clue and calls me dude (whilst talking about my necklace?) Ive had people call me maam, even tho i hadnt shaved for a week and the next day im all made up and get funny looks cos someone sees a confoosed dude.

the simple fact is, some people warm to us, some dont. their gender is irrelevant. In my experience ive found gg talk to me more now than before, maybe its cos my mannerisms have changed, i dont know. Not all people run a mile tho, and if they do, its likely not cos of the clothes that are worn perhaps? (Im closer and more relaxed with my wife this way than ever before if truth be known). I think its a lot to do with confidence myself. We need to be secure in ourselves and thats the hard part with all this. I sometimes think its blown out of proportion, imagine if every person you met were sooooo intensly concerned with their clothing? wouldnt conversation be boring that way?
Im a girl in my head, i wear pretties. big deal. but its not ALL there is to me, and i think thats why ive gotten away with so much, so easily. granted i crash too and have my off days of concern, but all of my perceived successes have been as a result of being rather brazen hahaha.

Like i said before...people see what they want to see...including ourselves about ourselves. If we see happy, sometimes we are..

[DonnaT]

There is nothing wrong with you, or any of us.

This is simply one characteristic of who we are. Women can easily find any number of characteristics in a man, or woman, which they find as a turn off, or at least, not a turn-on.

But there are women out there that do find this characteristic to be a turn on, they are just too few and hard to find.

[Gillian]

One of the things in this life is to not compare apples to oranges. If I were to compare my sports ability to a professional who gets paid millions, I would look pretty sad. Conversely, I wouldn't compare myself to anyone of lesser ability. My point, the only person that you have to become better than, is who you were yesterday. Life is about going against the flow, and it can be an up hill battle. The only way I know of that isn't work, is coasting, and that is all "down" hill! Anne, you are normal by my way of looking at things, then we both seem to have "style" when it comes to clothes. It strikes me that the real issue is that you need to get out of that "prison" that you talked about for a day or two.

Two quotes come to mind. "all work and no play makes Jack/Jane a dull person". You need to get in some play time to unwind. The other is, "a happy heart does good, like a medicine". If you need to get dressed up to feel happy, then find a way to do it.

PS. Read the signature, mail me and I will give you the address.

[Ralitsa]

Hi Anne,
we all know the stress you are under while caring for your wife, and really we all admire your strength and perseverence doing it. You can be forgiven the occasional bleak moments, just remember we are all here to give any support we can.
As far as what's wrong with you: NOTHING. Anyone that says otherwise is not authorized to offer their opinion. Now I do think there is plenty wrong with the world, but since I have not yet been appointed emperor of the universe, I guess I'm not authorized to impose my opinion either

Anyway, hang in there and feel free to share your troubles with us anytime, that's why we're all here right?

[Kimberly Kael]

We fool ourselves to even think women can be attracted to us in this state...

That's not a matter of fooling ourselves. It's a fact. Not every woman will find you attractive, but how many do you think you need? Sometimes all it takes is one to form a life-long bond and satisfy our need to be loved.

Yet we are not trans-gendered we are transvestites.

By accepting a label you accept the baggage that goes with it, so choose carefully. At least in the US the term transvestite has a lot of negative history, so you may find cross-dresser to be more positive. I've known women who weren't shy about saying that they found gender boundary play to be quite a turn-on. Are they a minority? Sure, but then so are cross-dressers.

Male Lesbians - that's a joke term because we are not female, but heterosexual males who are messed up.

Looking at a diverse population as a question of who is "normal" and who is "messed up" is a mistake we've made over and over again as a society. Pioneers in science were often thought to be crazy. Homosexuality is only just making inroads against centuries (if not millennia) of being misunderstood. People once thought women who wanted to wear pants needed to be counseled against their deviant ways. Nonsense. Diversity is inherently valuable and should be celebrated as such.

[Emma-A]

There's nothing wrong with you dear, don't think otherwise. Just because the people in our lives don't love us as we are doesn't make us 'wrong' or 'faulty'. We (as in the whole of the human race) were created each with unique beauty. Normality is just a term created by a small minority who wanted to extricate those who didn't share their ideals, and sadly society as a whole has adopted that mentality in a big way since the year dot.

Yes, it's an uphill struggle for us to be truly accepted. But we are just experiencing the same struggle as our forefathers in other minorities have in the decades and centuries preceeding this.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense as I'm struggling a bit myself at the moment, but I care about everyone on this forum as I would for anyone I knew in person.

luv,
Em

[Hope]

Oh my....doesn't this hit close to home! You know, I've fought with this termoil my entire life, and approaching 65 I suspect the battle won't end. Still, there is something to look forward to.

Over the past 15 years or so, I've been beaten around the head and shoulders by my dear wife about this delema I suspect most of us face. Why? Her response? (which I am finally beginning to believe) "It just is!" Not good, not bad, just....is.

Well, it isn't much of a thread to hold on to, but I've been trying to at least follow it and can start to see....it just is. Nothing made me this way, nothing stopped me from being this way, and nothing seems to have any profound effect on changing who I am. I am who I am and....well it just is.

She has taken a lot of time to point out to me all that has come from my life crossdressing. I care more for others, I am kind and thoughful because I hope someone will reciprocate should they ever discover who I really am. I am slow to judge someone for what they do or who they might love because....maybe they will do likewise to me. I have found respect and admiration for women, not remotely understanding what or how they feel, but because I have a little more of an inkling what they feel. Housework is real work. It's more fun in a dress for us, but that's only because of the novelty for us. But it's hard, never ending work none-the-less. There are a thousand things that are good that I am starting to understand I wouldn't know had I not been a crossdresser. There are fears, self loathing episodes, and all the negatives that go with it. But by following that thread she held out to me, I'm understanding there is a lot good about it all.

If you can, try shifting your focus on what good comes from your journey. I know it's hard, believe me I do. It only takes one or two words from someone special to throw me back to self loathing....and it's a long hard climb back out. If anything....I wish we could all learn to avoid that part of the journey. Still, maybe it's a small price to pay for the privelage of taking vacations from ourselves once in a while?

Be well....be kind to youself as you would be kind to all others....

Hope

[Latanya]

i dont even know where to begin
i have learned that the first step is learning who ur are then learning to accept it. It is who we are.
if it was a learned behavior then therapy could help do away with it. and some of it is. but there is an innate component. not genetic, innate. and professionals are more and more coming to realize it.
for me i have found out that i am not really a crossdresser. i have realized that there is a definite female side to me. i am male but with a twist. and that side needs expression. sometimes its by dressing, sometimes just being on FB or a forum as latanya. most of the time i stay underdressed with what ever else i can get away with(jeans, mascara, lip gloss). i do it not so much to crossdress but to express who i am. an individual that is both male and female. thats why i like the term(at least for me) "gender fluid".i have discussed transitioning but realize that even if i could it would not solve the problem only reverse it(now female with a male side) its hard to deal with at times while other times i am completely comfortable with it. i dress to satisfy an internal need to feel fem.
now to what attracts me is very confusing. i am not attracted to males at all. i am very attracted to females but would not consider a relationship with one as latanya but would want to be girlfriends. i am also not attracted to others like me other than support and friendship. but i do like talking to guys as latanya because i am looking for validation as latanya. and what better validation for latanya as latanya than from a guy. so to some extent i am two people in one. when i am on here or on FB i feel i am latanya not a guy using a girls name. so if u want to talk about really messed up look at me! but again i have come to accept who i am and think that over time things will be clearer and fall into place.

[Anne Bonny]

I came to full acceptance at age 40. I am a crossdresser which means I tend to straddle a fence and it is kind of unpredictable. I can be my regular self in sinc with my gender, or the feminine desire comes and I find I am wanting to dress. If I dress long enough even dresses become just clothing and the desire to dress then begins to seem a bit silly so I go back into male mode. Our society is full of sexual stimuli - bill boards with a pretty woman and I think boy I wish I could look like that or wear that. or I see an ad or a commercial or a female on TV, or just happen to see a woman in a pretty dress or with some sexy heels and find myself desiring to wear things like that and savor the feeling of being feminine. sometimes there is sexual release, sometimes I just desire to dress and feel closer to women. I find I prefer the company of women to men. But I am under no illusions that I am more than that, Women are much different in their thought processes, I think and reason as a male. Because I switch back and forth I know transitioning is out for me - the bar to qualify for a sexual reassignment is set very high because there is no turning back what's done can't be un done and unless you are truly transgendered you will not have a good psychological outcome. That said I may have my ears pierced someday as many men are doing this, who knows, might like to try some hormones? But I can certainly lose weight, and exercise so that I do not bulk up - running, walking, I can let my hair grow out and experiment with a unisex hairstyle or whatever - but If I did that I would have to withdraw from things I am involved in like church. I am retired. My wife unfortunately has Alzheimer's early onset on the severe side nothing I can do I am hardened to it I am a care giver but the relationship we had and the woman I married and fell in love with is gone, there is a level of grief but over such a long slow process it tends to lay below the radar, when she goes will I feel relief that she is no longer suffering, at the same time I will be greiving the ultimate finality of her death but she will be with our heavenly father. Then I will be alone my boys will probably be in college and I will have oportunity to reshape my life and look for a woman who accepts this with enthusiasm and full knowledge going in that I tend to capriciously lean one way then the other. A new life, new freedom. new possibilities and about 30 years ahead as far as I know in fairly good
health.

Wow, started scrolling up and reading and could not believe the love and support Thank you. Yes, I was having a bleak moment. The other day I pulled out my .44 Magnum flipped open the loading port and spun the revolver - it was empty. Then I pointed it at the side of my head and pulled the trigger, also tried it pointing up at my pallet - Sometimes I an just tired and having a bad day, Remindes me of an old movie, can't remember, kind of a comedy from the 90's steel magnolias or something like that and one of them was having a bad day and stuck her head inside the oven with the gas on ( she didn't die it was a comedy). Yes I told all of this to my psychologist. I would never do this, my boys would never forgive me, my wife needs me, and in the words of Shakespear God has set his canon against self slaughter, it is a truly selfish and cowardly act. I remember seeing a man with his head all bandaged up on the telemitry unit - he lingered several days before dying - so you may suffer terribly and not die immediately if you choose to shoot yourself in the head! Like in the 70's movie The End with Burt Reynolds and Dom De Luise - I don't like pain, would have to find a painless way to die - it is an aged movie but still has some very funny moments. No, it is better to ride this life out and be a beach bum on maui because we are all going to die eventually anyway,

So...I have my moments. I appreciate the thoughtful caring comments, it all helps. This is kind of our online support group - crossdressers anonymous only the object is not to stop but any who do are free to try - after 45 years of this this is who I am.

[Emma-A]

wow thats a little bit scary. I'm glad that you wouldn't actually do something as terrible as that. I'm glad that guns are not.easy to come by legally here, cos if they were I think I'd have gone a long time ago. As it happened, by the time I made the effort of cycling or driving to a suitable location ( e.g a high bridge) I would have come to my senses a little. I used to think I was too weak to do it, but eventually I realised that it was actually my strength that was keepingme from doing it. A few years ago, I had a defining moment, where somebody who didn't know me at all told me that I'm stronger than most people, because most people either turn to drugs or alcohol as an escape, whereas I was facing it with only my mind. Since then, although the struggles in my mind go on, I could never bring myself to contemplate suicide.

At high school, I knew a girl who's father shot himself. of course she forgave him, but it really made a mess of her. lovely girl she was too.

So be strong my dear, and keep talking to us. I like the analogy you proposed too

luv,
Em

[Saul]

There is nothing wrong with you on how u think or feel about dressing. And I agree woman r intimidated by us but there are woman out there who actually enjoy there men in dress. My other loves it and has accepted it, our sex life has dramatically changed for the better. Her friends have even been curious about it and have asked her how to get their men to try. They r out there just keep on looking.

[Anne Bonny]

Thank you, My wife did not know until I told her 7 years into our marriage, we have now been married for over 21 years but about 7 years ago sadly, we started down this road together with her Alzheimer's disease. She came to a kind of understanding but it was really only tolerance she would of course have prefered for me to be a traditional man but god gave her myself instead. I suppose that is sad for her but how can I regret being something I cannot help? I will be upfront with any women who comes close and only embrace her if she embraces me fully, I could enjoy such a relationship beyond our dreams.
We loved each other - that is gone because the relationship and the woman I married is all but gone, so the love is sacrificial, I honor our marriage vows because there is love but so drastically injured by this cruel disease, till death do we part. I do have an honorable core, what am I if I lose it? but like the smoke that flies away on a light breeze....

[Kerra]

Change that question to..

Why do I think there's something wrong with me..

Most of the time, is because of other people's views or expectations being forced onto you and not really how you feel about yourself. It's natural to want to conform, it's a survival trait.