How many in the closet??

[Emma-A]

Ive been following this thread for a while, but couldn't decide what to say about it. In my little world, being out of the closet means going out in the real world en femme and having the people on your life know about it.

My case is particularly strange. I've been out in public en femme twice, before I had told anyone other than my wife about it. But now my wife has become intolerant, I've not really dressed at all. However I have talked about it with a few friends and a colleague, and even shown a picture to a few people. When I broke down a couple of nights ago I told my mother about it too. But I don't feel able to dress, even in the house unless the wife is out, which is almost never.

So in the 'practical' sense I'm becoming more closeted, but in the social sense I'm becoming less closeted. Weird isn't it?

after all that rambling, my point is that we can't put ourselves in boxes, as has been said on many other topics...

[Sarah Ann]

Like some of the other posters, I'm neither totally in nor totally out of the closet. I live as a woman whenever possible. I'm open with my family and very close friends, and reserved with strangers and acquaintances. As I've become less reserved about going out as female, I've discovered a new sort of closet, however, which is "passing". I'm very comfortable being just one of the girls, but darned uncomfortable if recognized or identified as trans. People can get crappy in a hurry when they "make" you.

I attended several family and friends parties this holiday season as my female self, and had a ball, but had an uncomfortable moment Christmas Eve at one of the kids' houses, when I was working in the kitchen in an evening dress and all, making up an hors d'oeuvre tray, and the son-in-law's folks showed up. I suddenly found out that they had been told about me without my knowledge. They are a fine pair of cracker bigots. Nothing untoward happened, but now I'm worried that my "situation" will be all over town .

[Ralitsa]

so it's pretty normal to worry about what will happen when word spreads all over town. I'll just relate my own observations about it. When the whole world knows, it is pretty uncomfortable at first, but it is also liberating. The big thing is that you no longer have to worry or care about someone finding out, instead you worry about how they will treat you. Certainly there will be some that give you a hard time, make snide comments, or whatever. I've never encountered any violent situations, but there have been some uncomfortable conversations.
On the other hand, you will find that a lot of people are more friendly and supportive than you would have guessed. And almost everyone will at least be polite and civilized about it. There will be some who are jerks, but then public pressure works both ways and most people will not tolerate overly obnoxious behavior so the troublemakers really don't get out of hand.
But the most important thing about it is: you really find out who is your friend and who is not. I was really quite surprised about the results, it wasn't what I expected. Ultimately, I'm much happier knowing how things really stand and that a supposed friendship is not contingent upon maintaining some illusion.

[Diane C.]

I'm only "out" to my wife, but that's enough for now.

[Kimberly Kael]

When the whole world knows, it is pretty uncomfortable at first, but it is also liberating.

So true. Especially since most people really are more fundamentally decent than you'd expect, even more so since we tend to start by opening up to our partners and family. Honestly, they are likely to have a harder time accepting than most. They've known you longer, have more invested in their perception of you, and are most likely to worry about what others will think.

That last concern is also something that comes up from an employment standpoint. Even someone who doesn't have any personal concerns may worry about what their customers will think. Not being employable is the other big concern a lot of folks have about stepping out of the closet and it's not something to take lightly. All else being equal, it's not hard to imagine an employer playing it safe by hiring someone less controversial.

But the most important thing about it is: you really find out who is your friend and who is not.

I really enjoy that aspect and I'm extremely proud of my friends as a result of my experience. Instead of losing friends, which is a common fear, I found that I've made numerous new friends now that I'm so much less guarded. Women in particular tend to be very much at ease and more willing to talk about themselves and their lives than they used to. It's fascinating.

[Majella St. Gerard]

i'm kind of in and out sort of, i don't really hide it, i dress feminine a lot, not necessarily a dress or skirt, but i do wear them around the house. i also dress up and go to the market and run errands, so i do go out and about dressed up and anyone can see me. some family members do not know so there is always the chance that i will run into my dad or my sis around town. i already ran into my dad's neighbor while dressed. so am i in or out, i guess i'm out.

[Paula G]

I'm not sure that i am out of the closet yet, my wife and daughter know but disapprove and don't want to talk about it or see it, more to the point my wife does not want her friends and family to know (in some way I suspect that it undermines her femininity if I need to express myself as a woman). On the other hand I have a local pub I go to, I regularly go out, occasionally with friends who know, and I have now played a public concert in an LBD, so am I out or am I just extending my closet?

[DonnaT]

For me, being in the closet means nobody else know, and being in an extended closet means at least one other person knows.

And the first time out of the house and being seen by others, whether they can tell or not, is being out of the closet.

[MichelleZ]

I'd love to go out dressed to the nines but am built like a linebacker so I fully dress only at home. The exception is my fondness for nylons and women's shoes which I do wear out and around. Searching through the clearance racks for new skirts, tops or trousers is lots of fun.

When I date a lady and both of us feel it may work, I come out of my closet and let them know sooner than later. No use continuing if she will not accept and participate in my dressing. As I've grown older the urge to dress has gotten stronger and I'm not interested in changing.

Guess you could say I have one foot out of the closet.

[RebeccaF]

The variety of responses shows that 'out' means different things to different peeps. Which, I guess, is only to be expected as we aren't all the same are we? (thank goodness for that!) What a fascinating thread.

I would like to be able to be 'out' to those I love but sadly I am welded into my closet. It's frustrating sometimes but currently it's much easier this way. No-one knows nuthin'. I think.

xx Becca xx

[Ralitsa]

Hey Becca,
maybe some of us will just cut your closet open with a torch and drag you out shoe shopping

Seriously though, I do think that the whole coming out problem is easier if friends and family get to know an unrelated third party before finding out. I don't really pass at all, and often I'll get in a conversation with someone about it. At first they might be just curious or even somewhat apprehensive, but after a while they see it's not a big deal. So I think that if they ever have a friend or family member come out, then they will be more accepting of it.

[Hope]

Oh my....closet? I'm afraid so....sigh...

I have no reason to keep so secretive but....for some reason I keep it private. My wife knows (certainly) and is very supportive. She often wonders why I don't go out. She seems to think if I just keep from talking, nobody would pay much attention. The problem for me is: I like 50's fashions and somehow walking around the mall in a shirtdress with petticoats just might be noticed? LOL.

I have ventured out recently, to visit a local crossdressing store and have a makeover, and it was in BROAD DAYLIGHT none-the-less. Still, I hesitate. I think the biggest concern is not outing my particular hobby and thereby perhaps putting my lovely Bride's self in any jeapordy with friends.

So...mostly in the closet, except on that RARE occassion where something in my head overwhelms my good sense of privacy?

Hope (springs eternal?)