I wonder what's "WRONG" with me?

[Ralitsa]

My 2 cents worth Anne. Your wife may have once thought she preferred a "traditional man" but d@m^ few of those would be caring for her now the way you are. So I'm saying that she is a whole lot better of with you, even if the Alzheimer's precludes her from appreciating it right now.
Don't sell yourself short. I understand that it is incredibly difficult for you and gets you down, but just remember that you're doing it. Not many people would or could.
That you still honor your vows and stand by them is beyond admirable, not to say exceptionally rare.
When my ex and I were at marriage counselling, she and the counseller tried to make the case that everything was my fault and she had no obligations to her marriage vows because she didn't know I would turn out to be a CDer. So my rejoinder was, "by that logic then, if she were to be diagnosed with breast cancer or some other disease I would have no obligation to care about her and could then get a divorce." Which astonishingly enough, they agreed to. So I told them both they were idiots and didn't understand the basic principle of "for better or worse", walked out of there and she got her divorce.
The point being, there is very little honor in people, and though they are very concerned about the appearance of morality most of them don't really have any.
The last thing you should concern yourself with is the opinions of frauds and hypocrites.

[Leeza]

Anne, I have done a lot of thinking in the last few years about my relationship with my wife and kids and how my CD-ing has affected the relationships.

My wife knew before we started dating. Although she was not supportive, she was tolerant of it.

As to the kids, only one son seems to have a problem with it and the other 9 kids accept it. The girls say that I was both Mom and Dad to them and are glad I am a CD as that gave me a fem side.

My SIL told my wife that she was lucky to have me as most men would have left her a long time before she got so bad. I feel that me being a CD helped me deal with her failing health and be able to be there till the end. (Maybe not the actual CD but the fem side expressed as CD)

Anne, God only asks us to do the best we can with what we have to work with. I am reminded of the parable of the talents. When the master came back, the only servant in trouble was the one who didn't try.

I am sure that when this is over, you will be able to look back and say "I did the best I could with what I had."

[Amanda M]

Anne - there is NOTHING wrong with you, except being human and having a big heart. What you have done -and are doing - for your wife is rare, exceptional. Have you wondered ever if part of your compassion comes from the fact that you have more than a little of the female in you?

Look around you and dare to compare your moral stance with much of the society you see around you, then you might be able to thank your God for making you the decent wonderful, strong and yet vulnerable person that you are.

Best,
Amanda.

[Mike P.]

Wow, so many great responses, I can appreciate the support, and understanding here. Everyone has their own difficulties, but for me, a long time, and sometimes still, I cope with anger. A lot of has to do with trying to fit in, and hoping to meet a nice woman, but I think focusing on yourself is more helpful. It's so true what others said, when you feel good about yourself, people notice. Labels like crossdressers don't seem to apply, but I like how another person said it is a female aspect of us which we have to embrace. There are so many benefits to being someone who has female aspects, like having more compassion, and care about others. I haven't been here as long as others, and still learning to come out more, but I can definitely relate to the confusion. Be patient, keep talking to others, do research, and take care of yourself. Have a nice bubble bath.

[Mike P.]

Wow, Anne Bonny, glad you're feelin better. Didn't see the part about the gun last time, but please get rid of it. You don't need it, espec if you cope with depression. I don't like guns anyway, but we won't get into that. Keep using your resources, and talking here, seems to be a lot of great experience here. I'm still copin my self, and being more accepted of my other persona, and yes sometimes it is sexual, and part of my addiction, which is why i tryin hynotherapy also. Just rememeber, there is always someone to listen.

[Anne Bonny]

Gee...This post is still going? Let's see...I have purchased a slip, two 40A bras, 7 nylon panties (keep wearing holes in the cotton ones from Hanes so the extra expense is worth it. Inserts from walmart, and I really like the result. Buty Pants which fit snug on purpose and do give that curvacious butt. I have ordered new mineral powder foundation, though tan may be a bit too far, I must be a tone lighter than that more olive...Eye Brow Fix Kit, Rose lipstick, Black Brown Mascara, Extra life top coat and iced Mauve nail polish, also have firey red...Treating myself. I am working to decrease my weight and it's working slowly. May look at clip on's, summer dresses, shoes a new wig...

But crossdressing is a capricious thing that comes and goes. I had tried to stop the anti depressants but started becoming frustrated and angry at times and realized that they were probably not just for depression, so I am feeling better after a couple weeks. Still caring full time for my wife who is now wheelchair bound but pulles herself all over the ground floor. The situation is grim, the outcome inevitable, and she is suffering though she is not in pain her quality of life is terrible (Alzheimer's as I have stated many many times).

So I have come to terms with it all, have the insurance, gathered about 70 key photos from birth to 7 years ago prior to A.D. to celebrate her life and to remind everyone what a wonderful person she was so that we can forget the horrible decline. We have hospice, sitters, and at some point I will be single again. In time I may stay single or find a woman who accepts all of who I am and is turned on by me no matter how I am dressed. So I am doing fine for now. Thanks for all the thoughtful and caring posts. Anne

[Leeza]

Anne, it sounds like you have adjusted as well as you can for the moment.

I know in your situation as caregiver the changes keep coming and you have to keep adjusting.

I pray that the Lord gives you the strength and courage you need.

gathered about 70 key photos from birth to 7 years ago

That is something I wish I had done before my wife's passing. After she had passed I ran across a photo and had to ask the granddaughter about it. It was a pic taken about 14 years before her passing and I didn't remember her looking that good. The years of her suffering and the toll it took was the way I was remembering her.

[Anne Bonny]

Right! There is NOTHING wrong with me, I am perfectly fine, and have every right to go where the wind takes me:)

[Christine.Lolita]

There is nothing wrong with us. We are transgendered and we are born that way. There is nothing that needs to be fixed because we are not broken.

[Marda]

Hi Anne, Relax, You're "Fine" ,It's "Others" that "Have "Problems" You're "doing "what-they"can't" "Getting "Your""Life", Go">>>
Love,Marda

[Marda]

"oopsie" Another reply after reading/inspiring again"> OK?/Tnx,Eh?
I can't help but think you are"focusing" on "dressing" >>. that's "external based"- internal">>>
"Cut Yourself Some "Slack"!

To "Get your Life Right" you must first "Get Your "Action Verbs Right">>> "Peace, Harmony, and Meaning in your life is Not about something you "Do" or "Have">>>
"To Be or Not to Be" that is the question" /Shakespeare, W./>>>
If you "Want" "Peace" you need only to "Be" "Peace"!/ (me) ("Stroke Survivor")
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life"/Steve Jobs
"If you want to change the future, start living as if you're already there"/ Lynn Conway
"What works, works!"/ Lynn Conway
Best Wishes/Love,
Marda

[Marda]

Hi, again Anne, Obviously, you have "stimulated" my "interest" here and, now, I "offer" this new "take" on my original "position" based on my own "experiences incl. being "lied to" by an "evit "rehab" doctor "physiatrist" about medications,particularly "anti-"D"s which I have "fully" exorcised" "Out" of my "systems". Of course, I'm "out -of-synch" here with "conventional "wisdom" and "Mainstream "society", but "That/"this" IS the "point", and "So-Are-We" "Anyway", So, "GO-The-distance". Mods,OK"? I "expect" an "argument" or "disagreement", but, "censorship" is, to me, only "weak/dull-minded" "disagreement"? "here goes">>>
Allowing for possible exceptions, There is no such thing as "Mental Illness or Health" (""You" Are NOT Your "Brain"")/"Mental Illness" is really only "Machiavellian "Chicanery" Perpetrated by "Religionists" and "Illness Industrialists" ("II" )for their own "Selfish Purposes">>> The "Human Issue"at the "Core" of this "Systematic, Institutionalized Exploitation" of people is the "Human Spirit" and the "Care Of it; "the True "Essence of Humanity", Religionists "Hijack the "Human Spirit" for their own Commercial Purposes, and the "II" "Feed On" people "Damaged" by this "Social Disease", while the"II"/(Physicians) "Destroy it"with "Medications">>> "All" in the "Names" of "Helping"or "Serving" people>>>
Pls "Bear-In-Mind" that I already "graduated" from "Anti-depressant" College" and "found" "Peace" within myself, through "surviving" my Stroke, and being "Abused" by "IIs" OK, due to my personal "Faith", I "educated" myself" and "realized" that it was not "me" who had "depression", but really my "doctor" who "needed a new "SUV" to "look "competitive" in the hospital parking lot"!


Coincidently, I don't even "see" myself as a "CDer, but as an "Earthling" who gets up in the morning and "gets dressed". "Regular" for me is the FUN of "setting-out" what I'm wearing in the morning, and as a former "Ladies Wear Manager" I "understand "wardrobing and coordination", "understated and not "passing" for me, but "Foxey" and "Comfey"
Anne, I also "understand serious physical "disability"and "support you in your "caregiver life" perhaps you could, As I did yrs ago, "benefit" by "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy/Group", where I "learned" the Difference between "Thoughts" and "Feelings" and consequently wound-up "kicking" all "psychoactive" medical "experiments". I'm an "Earthling" "Answerable" to God", not a "Lab Rat" reporting to a "Medicinal Mercenary"! "Dig Yoself", "Sista"! perhaps my "symptoms" of "Psychosis" and "depression" "due to Stress" years ago, were "Settled" by "Meds" but I was "blessed" with a "Good" doctor who "backed off" the "propaganda" after redirecting me to "therapy" where I "found" my own "balance"/ "Within", Also, I was in "Stroke "Peer Mentor "training"{ with other Survivors" and I've "Experienced" "Other's" "Frustration" over the "damages"/Pains" "Caused by "Meds"." "and, Now, All I can say to "Pushers" is "Backoff"! And. furthermore, as I say to "Pooh-Poohs", "Don't "take-My-word- for-", "Ask "Michael Jackson"!

OK!, "Am I "In Trouble"?
Now, On the "passing" "thing", Also "bear-In-Mind" that I'm not in a position, nor "Inclined" to attempt. but here's a "thought" about Attempting to "satisfy" your "calling" by "dressing and "Making-up" before "tuning" your "Spirit" "Inside", My"take" "IS", "Noone is "depressed", but rather ,Often,perhaps "Poor-In-Spirit", and "here's the "remedy" in "Metaphor"/Analogy" form"

Many Years ago, I was a member of a "Successful" 24 hour motorcycle racing team. We "Never" "polished " and "dressed" the outside" of the bike to "Make it "Run faster", we "Ported and "polished"/"blueprinted" the Engine to "really "Go", and we "WON"! "Get Real" within" to "look and "Feel"&"Run" like a "Winner" "as "You "Are", "Beautiful"! Also, there is "Alzheimers" in my family, so, I'm "supporting you, here,now, And On> Also, IMHO, "treat yourself" with a "Fitting" at laSENZA, I "Phoned" my Store Manager before "walking-in' . They're "GREAT" supporters and "professional "Helpers"/"service" "Professionals" the "W" store" is just really the "War-Store" go to "laSENZA" for "LOVE"
Love,
Marda



no need to quote entire text http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... te#p108192" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Alpinia Y]

Early on, I understood that the entire gender issue is a matter of degrees. SOme people will always fall at the outer ends of the scale, and that, in a "natural" human environment, it would not have mattered. If you were a good hunter, no one would care if you wore the dress of the females. Or the other way around. If you felt like having sex with a cute member of the same sex who cares? Its only an issue because of current society. I have no guilt or self loathing (now) but it still is something of a pain to deal with. It also does offer a few bonuses. I understand women pretty well because I sort of am one. I can see issues from both sides. It so happens that in this era, this is not considered an asset. Life sucks and then you die. Next. My main challenge is dealing with it in regards to the social system I find myself in. (difficult). I do understand the gun thing. Its scary. I never pulled the trigger, but find myself occasionally thinking along those lines. I got sold one gun, was a nice gun too. maybe Ill take the money and buy some fun dress up stuff. That answer to the issue is very selfish, I agree. I have people in my life who care about me, even if they are uncomfortable with that part of me. (I can shop with my Mom for hours, I am the only one in my family who can take her shopping. Shes getting up in years and is not quite as swift as she once was. Maybe one day Ill by a sexy outfit just to see her reaction) My father acted like he did not hear me, when I told him. Like there was in instant mental block. I wear sexy PJ,s and shirts when I have to stay over night there, but I know he hates it. -Evil- He made a snarky comment about my earrings, but has since ignored them.
There is nothing wrong with us. Society says we do not conform to its capricious whims, Take ADHD. In a classroom, the child has a problem. The parents wring their hands over Johnnys disruptive behaviour. However, in the scheme of human evolution, the classroom isnt normal. 1000 years ago, the parents would be all like, Oh yea, heres johnny. He never stops moving. You should see how many rabbits he catches. We love him. Sure wish our other kids were more like him! Lots of human behaviour is like this.
There are places where the crossdressing is actually fully accepted. Those places are very far away, and the people do not speak English, but they exist. Those societies are healthy, the people have healthy children. They have not disintegrated because they are accepting of the people on the ends of the scale of sexuality.
A

[Marda]

Hi again"!

Something else for "Consideration" it is a Famous "FORMER" "religionist" who I "Heard" say"
"If you've had enough"Chicken Soup-For-The Soul", how about some "Irish Stew "For-The-Mind"?

So, therefore, I "Offer" "this", years ago, as a "Late-Starting" Bass Player", I was frustrated with my rate of progress trying to get my fingers to "find" the "Music- in -my-Soul", Parallel to this, I realized, that I was "wasting" too much "Practice- time" reaching for a cigarette. So, I quit smoking "backey" and even more "parallel", I realized that I was having too much "anxiety" about "stuff", So, I "quit Television!
I still "never" reached my "targeted level of "chops", but I "cleared/cleaned my Life and "connected" with the "Music"-in-My-Soul", It's Sooooo "Cool" to hear a "Pro" from the audience say "Great Bass"!
Therefore, "What's WRONG-with-you"? You all "Junked-up" by Too Much Television!
Love,
Marda

[Christine.Lolita]

I too had this way of thinking. I finially accepted that there is nothing wrong with me after talking to a therapist who specializes in TG issues. Unfortunately most of society does not take this view and much of what causes us problems come from that.