Been a funny old time

[Paula G]

I know I haven't been around much for a while, for all sorts of reasons. I lead a pretty hectic life with lots of involvement in music groups, Church, work and of course my personal obsession with cross dressing. All this was taking me further and further away from what is most important, my family. All the way back in November my wife pointed this out to me in no uncertain terms, in fact it was an ultimatum, stop dressing or it's all over!

This caused me to think long and hard about what I wanted and what I could realistically commit too. I knew that I could not commit to not dressing anymore, I have tried that before and it didn't work. I also knew that I wanted to be part of my own family, we have trouble talking so there was a bit of negotiating by e-mail and text messages ( not great but better than nothing). Since then I have been out a few times, but I have not shaved so far other than my face and have been trying to restrict myself.

We have so far had one (introductory) session with Relate ~ used to be the marriage guidance service ~ which was helpful and are starting a series of sessions with a counsellor later this month.

Things are better than they have been for months, but it is still difficult. Anyway I felt I should explain my absence, I hope to be back more often now, but of course there is still a lot going on in my life, and the counselling is just another commitment.

[Anthony Simon]

I know I haven't been around much for a while, for all sorts of reasons. I lead a pretty hectic life with lots of involvement in music groups, Church, work and of course my personal obsession with cross dressing. All this was taking me further and further away from what is most important, my family. All the way back in November my wife pointed this out to me in no uncertain terms, in fact it was an ultimatum, stop dressing or it's all over!

My gut reaction to this is didn't your wife stop having sex with you a while ago? So she can blame it on the CDing if she wants, but doesn't she share the blame for you moving away from the family (that is if my memory's right)?

We have so far had one (introductory) session with Relate ~ used to be the marriage guidance service ~ which was helpful and are starting a series of sessions with a counsellor later this month.

Things are better than they have been for months, but it is still difficult. Anyway I felt I should explain my absence, I hope to be back more often now, but of course there is still a lot going on in my life, and the counselling is just another commitment.

Presumably the sex thing comes up in the counseling - it definitely ought to. You actually don't sound as concerned about this as the last time you and your wife had a bust-up about the CDing.

I know your daughter's a teenager. When my sister left home to go to University (at 19) my mother kind of re-arranged her life mentality and obliged my father to move out. I'm wondering if something like that might be in the back of your wife's mind and she's preparing for it.

[Paula G]

Your memory serves you well, no I find I'm not concerned as much about the lack of sex as the lack of expressed affection, this did come up in our first session, and I expect it will again. One of the things I want to get out of these sessions is what is the problem, and what is a symptom.

I think that one area where we have made some positive progress is in the understanding that this is our problem, not just mine. My wife has done a little research and has had some (but I'm not sure exactly how much) contact with WOBS and is beginning to understand that cross dressing is not so much a lifestyle choice as a lifetime compulsion. I am reluctant to suggest she joins here as I would then have to limit my own posting, but may yet.

I like to think that we are both committed to the long run, but only time and honesty will tell.

[DonnaT]

Hope y'all can get everything back on track.

[Paula G]

Last week we had our first session, we have our second tonight. The main thing that came out is that for some time now we have simply not been functioning as a couple, we are a busy, musically active family and this tends to dominate our lives too much. I have resigned from my post as MD of the local Brass Band so as to be able to spend time with my wife at home. This is quite a sacrifice so I hope that is understood.

Strangely this last week has not been very good, I think I need to tune into my wife's moods and feeling more, and she needs to find a better way of communicating with me, but the process continues and we are committed to it.

[Anthony Simon]

Well, I think this can be quite hard - in that, if you're not functioning as a couple, you might find you've retired behind emotional barriers.

In that case time - and the process you're in - would really be necessary to bring you back together again.

[Paula G]

Yep, that's the idea, we need to break down those barriers and rebuild our relationship, easily said harder o do.

[Davita]

I like what you said. "I need to get more in tune"... Communications comes in more than just voice. Just paying attention to the cues also means you are paying more attention to her; she's going to notice. That's a good thing.

Hope the tough times start getting less tough and less often.

[KimberlyS]

Paula, something that helped me to communicate better with my ex was I started keeping a journal of just ramblings and feelings. The ramblings turned into lists to talk to her about and letters that I wrote to her. But my increase in ability to communicate and deal with the issues did not matter as she refused to communicate much more than the weather and her other issues just got worse.

I hope you are both able to learn to communicate better and work through things.