Here we go.
Where are the seeds of a cross dresser you may ask? For me in a small town in Colorado growing up in the fifties and sixties perhaps with elementary school teachers, all female. They were my role models in so many ways: strong and smart women who were confident and yes dressed very well, in dresses and hose and makeup and nice hair. Part may be due to a mainly absent father, male role models, and the work a holic, over the top uber-male WWII generation.
Stress is a player, meaning 7th grade, the dreaded Junior High full of Malfoy type bullies, and struggling with being an outsider in almost all possible ways. One day, home sick and my mother away (a very controlling and cold mother) I had the urge to go to her waste basket and try on a single, old fashioned nylon. Sliding it on my young bare leg: I felt a sensual feel that was simply electric. I knew it was "wrong"--but from that time on (age 12), I collected nylons from the trash and in secret played with them in my few private moments.
One time my mother found my stash hidden under the mattress: and I told her--playing with the dogs...and she maybe bought that...and the typical deception, guilt and hiding began. As years went on I acquired the first pantyhose, and tried on her girdles, and makeup---all closeted. And I felt the typical thrills and guilt and such. Many purges happened for years and years...and I always came back through high school, etc. The desire never left me. I remember wanting to be a girl much of the time, and was very envious of the pretty girls and their clothes, and they mostly seemed happy, and I wanted to be one, but I never had many girl friends.
In college I late bloomed into my first girlfriend: "V", this was age 19. She was fiery and my first love, and I came out to her, and she accepted and let me have her pantyhose, and even once did makeup...all playful. She went away and I had other girlfriends, and dressed secretly in college, very rarely due to lack of privacy. One time my roommate almost caught me coming back early from a Saturday morning class--and fortunately I slammed and closed the door and hurridly changed.
Graduation and single life and living alone gave me some space and I dressed more, but in the pre-internet days, and in manly Wyoming and Alaska and the business: I plateaued into rare at home lingerie wearing. This plateau, and other girlfriends lasted well into my early 30s when I finally met my wife and married in West Texas.
I kept the secret from my wife for 20 years, with difficulty and dressed on business trips. In Colorado, after having our first child I found the local Tri-Ess chapter, and wrote them (they advertised in a back page local newspaper). I received a warm welcome from Pat K., and we met for lunch several times, and Pat was my first CD real world contact. Religious matters were very much on my mind (sin, Old Testament, I was a serious Methodist, and both my wife's parents were ordained pastors). Pat helped me wrestle with the OT issues (old Jewish law). We remained friends, but I never went to a meeting due to work demands, having a second child, my father passing, and privacy concerns being outed. I owe Pat much to this day for that first contact. I also met another CD in Denver for lunch a couple times...and then we were transferred overseas. North Africa was a nowhere place for a CD--but I did find some beautiful black french pantyhose for many Dinars...and dressed when my wife went back to the states with the daughters for long weeks.
We moved back to Louisiana in 1995--and I resumed my business trip dressing. A memory: our real estate agent told me about a local Mardi Gras Crew: and their full femme dress up ball...and she was invited and she went on and on about the imported silk hand made dresses the "ladies" wore, and a local shoe store catering to them...and I was amazed.
Then the internet appeared. One of my first searches: cross dressing--and even in 1998--there were many CDs with web pages, and I realized for the first time I was not alone, there are many like me out there, and I read the stories and felt not so much an outlier. And I began a steep learning curve towards self acceptance.
Another move here to Houston in 2000 revealed a community with diversity. I did come out to my wife in stages (another two stories)--and contacted the local TriEss--interviewed, joined and went to one meeting: "boys night" with wives. I also started some joint counseling with a CD specialist, with my wife. TriEss--well it is a great group, and I struggled with: finding time and energy and high concerns about my very observant young daughters--and my ever controlling wife. I never went back, and I have regrets there--yet the HQ of TriEss reminded me of yet another controlling, rule filled Sunday School class--the vibes were pretty down from many, and I admit not giving it much of a chance.
Counseling went on for months: high stress, but very helpful for my wife: she got good information, heard there are many like me, I got to speak and listen and overall the counseling was very helpful. We plateaued and progress seemed so slow, and the sessions were always end of a long work day, and involved very long stressful drives, and insurance paid--and I was concerned about some snoopy HR person figuring out the scenario. So, we stopped. I did not have the energy to go on.
In this same time span, before the counseling I met a coworker CD--figured "her" out from her online photos...and revealed myself to her, and we became friends and lunched and mutually supported each other and kept out secrets. We remain friends to this day, but have never met up enfemme or gone out together. At her urging one weekend when my wife was out of town I found the courage to get my first professional makeover. And, I was mesmerized looking in the mirror....beautiful...and she fully dressed me and took pictures. I showed them to my wife...and that resulted in a huge stress blowout, hence the counseling. Crossing that bridge with my wife is THE most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, period.
Other exploration included trips to see friends in Portland, OR and professional makeovers at Victoria's (wonderful) and out in public with other CDs---truly a revelation and cherished memories. I did this several times, much to my wife's concern and distain. I also had supportive friends in Portland, still cherished.
There was another extremely helpful friend, more on her later: a God given gift.
So, here we are today. I am plateaued, my wife knows, and I have not purged in ten years or more. For a while my wife was fairly supportive, but that has faded and basically I hide from her eyes completely.
My goal here: over the coming weeks and months: document where I am, where I have been: the "journey". Life is short, and many friends and family have passed. THE unresolved issue in my life is Gina.
That is enough for this evening.
I do hope this place is friendly as some internet groups can be hostile to toxic. I am a very honest person, and value my privacy, and I very much am concerned about being outed and the impact on my career, etc.
My spiritual journey is wrapped in a helix with Gina also. And some very close friends, and supportive ones.
Thanks for listening. Comments are welcome.
