Based on how I'm feeling these days I just don't see myself doing the show at rthe end of the month. Who can think about comedy when all I know in my life lately is tragedy?
Oh God… just make the hurt stop… make it end… I just want it all to end… I just don’t care anymore… am I better off dead?
I haven’t sank this low in over 12 years. What’s happening to me?
I sit in front of my keyboard with tears as I type this. I can barely see my computer screen. What have I done to deserve this???
So much pain… so much damn pain…
PAIN - 2 years uninterrupted.
Moderators: KimberlyS, CathyAnn
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Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
PAIN - 2 years uninterrupted.
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
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S. Lisa Smith
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 286
- Joined: Sun Aug 24, 2003 6:27 pm
- Location: Tidewater, Virginia
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Tara
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2004 9:09 pm
- Location: Reno, Nevada
Lorna,
Not so long ago I've been exactly where you are. I've had clinical depression since I was 14. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it is bad. About a year ago I started to slowly decline into a deep and cronic depression, it was so slow and gradual that I didn't now it was happening even though I'm well schooled in symptoms and treatments that happened.
I've spent the last six months climbing out of the depression, little stupid crap that we take for granted, like socializing with friends, concentrating on my school work and having passion for things again have to had to be partially re-learned because of the BS that was on in my head.
You've done nothing to deserve this, it isn't your fault. As the old saying goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. In this case bad things have happened to a very good person.
I don't know what else I can say, except you think that you've seriously wasted the last 12 years of your life, that life is over at 32. But it isn't, your just now beginning, beginning to be yourself.
The only thing I have to say that might be of help is that maybe a change of career could help, I know you don't like your career. You've talked about living too close t your family. Maybe a change in location could help? But that does come at peril, because you can't run away from your problems and you risk losing your emotional support system of friends.
I'll thinking of you, please if there is anything I can do, don't be afraid to ask.
Tara
Not so long ago I've been exactly where you are. I've had clinical depression since I was 14. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it is bad. About a year ago I started to slowly decline into a deep and cronic depression, it was so slow and gradual that I didn't now it was happening even though I'm well schooled in symptoms and treatments that happened.
I've spent the last six months climbing out of the depression, little stupid crap that we take for granted, like socializing with friends, concentrating on my school work and having passion for things again have to had to be partially re-learned because of the BS that was on in my head.
You've done nothing to deserve this, it isn't your fault. As the old saying goes, sometimes bad things happen to good people. In this case bad things have happened to a very good person.
I don't know what else I can say, except you think that you've seriously wasted the last 12 years of your life, that life is over at 32. But it isn't, your just now beginning, beginning to be yourself.
The only thing I have to say that might be of help is that maybe a change of career could help, I know you don't like your career. You've talked about living too close t your family. Maybe a change in location could help? But that does come at peril, because you can't run away from your problems and you risk losing your emotional support system of friends.
I'll thinking of you, please if there is anything I can do, don't be afraid to ask.
Tara
"(I'm) man enough to be a woman."--- Jayne County
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Beauty
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 3662
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 4:30 am
- Location: Northern VA
- Contact:
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Loretta Ann
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 2199
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 11:30 pm
- Location: Vancouver, Canada
Lorna, there is not a lot we can do, although we sure wish we could. I am acutely aware that one needs to be very careful what one says at this time, because I have been where you are, and uttered those same words 24 years ago. different circumstances, but the same place.I just want it all to end… I just don’t care anymore… am I better off dead?
The first thing that needs to happen for you is to get through your pain, once you have done that go in search of your question " what have I done to deserve this."? You will find out some very interesting things, you will find out that it was not all you. There is a lot more I could say, but it would do no good. These are answers you need to find out for your self.
If you can get through this there is a better life ahead for you. But it won't be easy. I write this because it is true, and to give you hope.
Love.
Darlene.
Last edited by Loretta Ann on Thu Apr 01, 2004 2:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Anita
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3068
- Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2004 2:55 pm
- Location: Burlingame, CA (San Francisco Bay area)
You've gotten excellent replies so far, Lorna.
This is a strictly personal opinion coming up here. You've read enough of my posts to know if you trust my judgment or not, I suppose.
Anyway-- I don't THINK you will try to check out of this life prematurely, but if you're at all tempted, I would say, stop. From all I've seen and experienced, that is not a way out of this pain. That's all I'll say about that.
Remember that the average person couldn't begin to function with the challenges you've taken on. Living life as an "out" crossdresser is life on a large scale--so it's not so surprising that the walls you hit are larger scale, too!
Try to keep your mind in the here/now as much as you can, in whatever way you know how to do that. The pain has to be lived through and acknowledged, and living with it in the present you can do something with it. Living in the past, you can get stuck. And hope is good, but use it sparingly right now. The present moment is the only point where you have real power.
Love to you,
Anita
This is a strictly personal opinion coming up here. You've read enough of my posts to know if you trust my judgment or not, I suppose.
Anyway-- I don't THINK you will try to check out of this life prematurely, but if you're at all tempted, I would say, stop. From all I've seen and experienced, that is not a way out of this pain. That's all I'll say about that.
Remember that the average person couldn't begin to function with the challenges you've taken on. Living life as an "out" crossdresser is life on a large scale--so it's not so surprising that the walls you hit are larger scale, too!
Try to keep your mind in the here/now as much as you can, in whatever way you know how to do that. The pain has to be lived through and acknowledged, and living with it in the present you can do something with it. Living in the past, you can get stuck. And hope is good, but use it sparingly right now. The present moment is the only point where you have real power.
Love to you,
Anita
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Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
Pain-2 years uninterrupted
Hello Lorna,
I'd love to be able to take you in my arms and hold you and tell you not to worry that everything will turn out right, but as we know life throws up so many challenges and hurdles at us, whether they be of our own making or not, we have to dig deep and look to the future, not at the past. What has happened is out of our control, we can't do anything about yesterday, but if we do a good enough job of today, then tomorrow will take care of itself. Just remember that no matter how bad and dark anything looks, there is always a little bit of good comes out of it.
Over the last three and a half years I have seen enough of the material you have written to know that you are a fighter, you possess the required strength to overcome the situation you currently find yourself in. Each and every day around the world countless numbers of people find themselves in situations where they need to dig deep into their reserves to climb out of the dark hole they find themselves in and I know in my heart you possess the qualities to do this.
It's not unusual for us to stuff up from time to time, it's all part of being human, nobody is perfect. I know in my case I have made horrible blunders in my life and many times I was hanging by a thread, but that thread was always strong enough to enable me to safely dangle long enough to find the solution to climb out of the hole and continue on to bigger and better things, because the need to survive is always greater than what we may perceive as the easy way out. There is no easy way out, because if there was it wouldn't be worthwhile. I believe these challenges are thrown up at us as a test, if we survive and move on then we become better and stronger people, if we fail then we fall by the way side, it's no good saying one thing and meaning another, there are times in our life when we really do need to take stock and make some decisions, abide by them and move on to better times.
I would suggest that you just focus on all the good things you have experienced and want to do in your life, you can't do anything about your driving offences except look for the best possible way out with the least pain. If you can look at what happened as a wake up call and turn it to your own benefit, then you can move on to better things. There will be a price to pay for your indiscretion, but I believe no matter how bad anything looks, a little bit of good always comes out of it. You have said it enough times yourself that none of us are ever alone and that's the truth, I'm sure you only have to put your hand up and there will be many within reach who will race to your side and give you the support you need to get you through your current situation. We must never ever be too proud to yell for help when we need it.
I just want you to know that there are so many people who love and respect you for the person you are, life is really too good to waste, just take strength from the knowledge that so many of us have been there before you and survived and moved on to better things and in my own heart I know you can and will do it.
Love and hugs.......Sally.
I'd love to be able to take you in my arms and hold you and tell you not to worry that everything will turn out right, but as we know life throws up so many challenges and hurdles at us, whether they be of our own making or not, we have to dig deep and look to the future, not at the past. What has happened is out of our control, we can't do anything about yesterday, but if we do a good enough job of today, then tomorrow will take care of itself. Just remember that no matter how bad and dark anything looks, there is always a little bit of good comes out of it.
Over the last three and a half years I have seen enough of the material you have written to know that you are a fighter, you possess the required strength to overcome the situation you currently find yourself in. Each and every day around the world countless numbers of people find themselves in situations where they need to dig deep into their reserves to climb out of the dark hole they find themselves in and I know in my heart you possess the qualities to do this.
It's not unusual for us to stuff up from time to time, it's all part of being human, nobody is perfect. I know in my case I have made horrible blunders in my life and many times I was hanging by a thread, but that thread was always strong enough to enable me to safely dangle long enough to find the solution to climb out of the hole and continue on to bigger and better things, because the need to survive is always greater than what we may perceive as the easy way out. There is no easy way out, because if there was it wouldn't be worthwhile. I believe these challenges are thrown up at us as a test, if we survive and move on then we become better and stronger people, if we fail then we fall by the way side, it's no good saying one thing and meaning another, there are times in our life when we really do need to take stock and make some decisions, abide by them and move on to better times.
I would suggest that you just focus on all the good things you have experienced and want to do in your life, you can't do anything about your driving offences except look for the best possible way out with the least pain. If you can look at what happened as a wake up call and turn it to your own benefit, then you can move on to better things. There will be a price to pay for your indiscretion, but I believe no matter how bad anything looks, a little bit of good always comes out of it. You have said it enough times yourself that none of us are ever alone and that's the truth, I'm sure you only have to put your hand up and there will be many within reach who will race to your side and give you the support you need to get you through your current situation. We must never ever be too proud to yell for help when we need it.
I just want you to know that there are so many people who love and respect you for the person you are, life is really too good to waste, just take strength from the knowledge that so many of us have been there before you and survived and moved on to better things and in my own heart I know you can and will do it.
Love and hugs.......Sally.
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
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Alexandra
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1149
- Joined: Thu Aug 14, 2003 8:27 pm
- Location: In Monolith We Trust
Lorna . . . hang in there!!!! Most of us can't be there in person for you, BUT you can be assured that we care about you from here. Put on a dress and high heels and tell the world nobody is going to stop Lorna Taylor from being the person you want to be! All the other stuff that is getting you down will eventually fall by the wayside. Good luck.
Alexandra
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RikkiOfLA
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 298
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 11:39 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California, USA
Dear Lorna,
You have received some excellent advise here (especially the part about putting on the dress and high heels!
)
Let me echo the fine advice with a line from the theme song from "Arthur, " the kid's program on PBS (gee, do I watch too much daytime TV? )
It's a simple message
that comes from the heart.
Believe in yourself
'cause that's the place to start.
If it would help, please tell us more about what's happening to cause you pain?
And let me close with telling a part of my story...
I spent most of my childhood and early adulthood in deep and chronic depression. It was one long depression, beginning at the time I was sexually molested. Was that the cause of it? Well, it was one of the causes. The other one was my gender issues, which were much bigger than I realized.
How did I climb out of it?
Well, first of all, the endless self-analysis, the "too much thinking", that is the scourge of all depressed people, finally DID pay off. It required some direction on my part. A decision to only allow thoughts that help, not harm. A decision never to let my thoughts just "spiral"--repeating conclusions that get me nowhere.
Second, I got to the point where I was able to admit that I was molested. When I realized that was totally NOT my fault--no seven-year-old deserves that, after all--I realized I had a right to be angry and depressed! And I haven't internalized it since then. In fact, I've gradually had a clearer and clearer vision of the problem, and growing dedication to fight the problems!
Third, I came to accept my gender dysphoria. I'm very grateful that it is older than the molestation (by 3 years) so I'm spared the wondering if being molested "caused" it. And I'm incredibly grateful for wonderful people like you, who keep reminding me (by just being yourself!) that I'm not alone, ever, that there are millions of other transgendered brothers and sisters, and so I'm never a "unique freak." That really helps!
And you're not alone either. I promise you that!
You have received some excellent advise here (especially the part about putting on the dress and high heels!
)Let me echo the fine advice with a line from the theme song from "Arthur, " the kid's program on PBS (gee, do I watch too much daytime TV?
)It's a simple message
that comes from the heart.
Believe in yourself
'cause that's the place to start.
If it would help, please tell us more about what's happening to cause you pain?
And let me close with telling a part of my story...
I spent most of my childhood and early adulthood in deep and chronic depression. It was one long depression, beginning at the time I was sexually molested. Was that the cause of it? Well, it was one of the causes. The other one was my gender issues, which were much bigger than I realized.
How did I climb out of it?
Well, first of all, the endless self-analysis, the "too much thinking", that is the scourge of all depressed people, finally DID pay off. It required some direction on my part. A decision to only allow thoughts that help, not harm. A decision never to let my thoughts just "spiral"--repeating conclusions that get me nowhere.
Second, I got to the point where I was able to admit that I was molested. When I realized that was totally NOT my fault--no seven-year-old deserves that, after all--I realized I had a right to be angry and depressed! And I haven't internalized it since then. In fact, I've gradually had a clearer and clearer vision of the problem, and growing dedication to fight the problems!
Third, I came to accept my gender dysphoria. I'm very grateful that it is older than the molestation (by 3 years) so I'm spared the wondering if being molested "caused" it. And I'm incredibly grateful for wonderful people like you, who keep reminding me (by just being yourself!) that I'm not alone, ever, that there are millions of other transgendered brothers and sisters, and so I'm never a "unique freak." That really helps!
And you're not alone either. I promise you that!
Love and respect,
Rikki
Rikki
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RikkiOfLA
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 298
- Joined: Fri Aug 22, 2003 11:39 pm
- Location: Los Angeles, California, USA
Dear Lorna
Dear Lorna,
You have received some excellent advise here (especially the part about putting on the dress and high heels! )
Let me echo the fine advice with a line from the theme song from "Arthur, " the kid's program on PBS (gee, do I watch too much daytime TV? )
It's a simple message
that comes from the heart.
Believe in yourself
'cause that's the place to start.
If it would help, please tell us more about what's happening to cause you pain?
And let me close with telling a part of my story...
I spent most of my childhood and early adulthood in deep and chronic depression. It was one long depression, beginning at the time I was sexually molested. Was that the cause of it? Well, it was one of the causes. The other one was my gender issues, which were much bigger than I realized.
How did I climb out of it?
Well, first of all, the endless self-analysis, the "too much thinking", that is the scourge of all depressed people, finally DID pay off. It required some direction on my part. A decision to only allow thoughts that help, not harm. A decision never to let my thoughts just "spiral"--repeating conclusions that get me nowhere.
Second, I got to the point where I was able to admit that I was molested. When I realized that was totally NOT my fault--no seven-year-old deserves that, after all--I realized I had a right to be angry and depressed! And I haven't internalized it since then. In fact, I've gradually had a clearer and clearer vision of the problem, and growing dedication to fight the problems!
Third, I came to accept my gender dysphoria. I'm very grateful that it is older than the molestation (by 3 years) so I'm spared the wondering if being molested "caused" it. And I'm incredibly grateful for wonderful people like you, who keep reminding me (by just being yourself!) that I'm not alone, ever, that there are millions of other transgendered brothers and sisters, and so I'm never a "unique freak." That really helps!
And you're not alone either. I promise you that!
You have received some excellent advise here (especially the part about putting on the dress and high heels!
)Let me echo the fine advice with a line from the theme song from "Arthur, " the kid's program on PBS (gee, do I watch too much daytime TV?
)It's a simple message
that comes from the heart.
Believe in yourself
'cause that's the place to start.
If it would help, please tell us more about what's happening to cause you pain?
And let me close with telling a part of my story...
I spent most of my childhood and early adulthood in deep and chronic depression. It was one long depression, beginning at the time I was sexually molested. Was that the cause of it? Well, it was one of the causes. The other one was my gender issues, which were much bigger than I realized.
How did I climb out of it?
Well, first of all, the endless self-analysis, the "too much thinking", that is the scourge of all depressed people, finally DID pay off. It required some direction on my part. A decision to only allow thoughts that help, not harm. A decision never to let my thoughts just "spiral"--repeating conclusions that get me nowhere.
Second, I got to the point where I was able to admit that I was molested. When I realized that was totally NOT my fault--no seven-year-old deserves that, after all--I realized I had a right to be angry and depressed! And I haven't internalized it since then. In fact, I've gradually had a clearer and clearer vision of the problem, and growing dedication to fight the problems!
Third, I came to accept my gender dysphoria. I'm very grateful that it is older than the molestation (by 3 years) so I'm spared the wondering if being molested "caused" it. And I'm incredibly grateful for wonderful people like you, who keep reminding me (by just being yourself!) that I'm not alone, ever, that there are millions of other transgendered brothers and sisters, and so I'm never a "unique freak." That really helps!
And you're not alone either. I promise you that!
Love and respect,
Rikki
Rikki
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CJ
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3562
- Joined: Sun Nov 02, 2003 11:12 pm
- Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada
Hi all,
Lorna, I sent you a PM last night. I just wanted to add this, from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet:
Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Be patient with yourself, Lorna. You'll soon regain your balance.
Love,
CJ
Lorna, I sent you a PM last night. I just wanted to add this, from Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet:
Then a woman said, "Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow."
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Be patient with yourself, Lorna. You'll soon regain your balance.
Love,
CJ
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Carol Ann
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 3296
- Joined: Fri Aug 15, 2003 7:23 am
- Location: Southeast Missouri
Carol Ann-
Lorna
- Miss Diamond Goddess
- Posts: 2739
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:41 pm
- Location: NY
Hey gals,
I hope my post last night didn't scare anyone. It's just that my head hasn't been right ever since that ugly incident last weekend. I have to get over it and move on. Life goes on. I'm still standing... I'm still alive...
I know that I may curse life quite often, but I really can think of no greater gift. A gift I will try to never again take for granted.
I realize that I may not be able to change or control everything around me but at least I still have control over how I choose to respond to certain things.
I know I'm much stronger than I have been acting lately. I have moved on from the other unfortunate events and I guess I'll be still standing after this blows over too. If I'm not dead or insane after the mayhem the past 2 1/2 years has brought me, then I guess I am strong...
Thank you all so much for letting me vent... I love you gals...
PS - I promise to go up on that stage at the end of the month, make people laugh, and make you all proud! This one's for the beautiful people of this forum!
I hope my post last night didn't scare anyone. It's just that my head hasn't been right ever since that ugly incident last weekend. I have to get over it and move on. Life goes on. I'm still standing... I'm still alive...
I know that I may curse life quite often, but I really can think of no greater gift. A gift I will try to never again take for granted.
I realize that I may not be able to change or control everything around me but at least I still have control over how I choose to respond to certain things.
I know I'm much stronger than I have been acting lately. I have moved on from the other unfortunate events and I guess I'll be still standing after this blows over too. If I'm not dead or insane after the mayhem the past 2 1/2 years has brought me, then I guess I am strong...
Thank you all so much for letting me vent... I love you gals...
PS - I promise to go up on that stage at the end of the month, make people laugh, and make you all proud! This one's for the beautiful people of this forum!
Live it. Love it. OWN IT.
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Tara
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Tue Mar 02, 2004 9:09 pm
- Location: Reno, Nevada
Lorna,
Oh I am so glad to hear you're okay, you gave me a little scare there. But hey, you're working through your troubles and staying strong as you always have been throughout your life. I know you feel as you should've "gotten it" by now, like having your life figured out and being where you imagined yourself 10 or how many years ago.
But the hard truth, I think, is that nobody really "gets it", as in being totally fullfilled and having the perfect life.
If you need anything, we're all here for you.
Love,
Tara
Oh I am so glad to hear you're okay, you gave me a little scare there. But hey, you're working through your troubles and staying strong as you always have been throughout your life. I know you feel as you should've "gotten it" by now, like having your life figured out and being where you imagined yourself 10 or how many years ago.
But the hard truth, I think, is that nobody really "gets it", as in being totally fullfilled and having the perfect life.
If you need anything, we're all here for you.
Love,
Tara
"(I'm) man enough to be a woman."--- Jayne County
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Cindy Barnes
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 5:17 pm
- Location: Atlanta, GA
- Contact:
Lorna,
This may not help much, but you sharing your story last week helped me to think and to be extra careful last night while out for a friends going away party.
We are all here for a reason, and you never know how and who you might help in some way just by being you !!!
Thanks !! Hang in there !!!
Hugs !
Cindy
This may not help much, but you sharing your story last week helped me to think and to be extra careful last night while out for a friends going away party.
We are all here for a reason, and you never know how and who you might help in some way just by being you !!!
Thanks !! Hang in there !!!
Hugs !
Cindy