a new staycation

[Absaroka]

Well I haven't been here in a while, and as explained in another post I haven't dressed hardly at all since my wife retired and is home with me. I find I really don't miss it. But........She's away on vacation for a week. What was the first thing I did when I got back from dropping her off at the airport?

I remember my first girl vacation at home alone, almost 8 years ago now. It was so exciting. I posted here every day about what I'd done. The only one I remember is the post about going to the nearby pond late at night en femme while it snowed lightly and I could watch the moon through the clouds. The experiences of that week prompted me to write an entire book! (it's here under the subject of our girl autobiographies). What I came to learn eventually is that I'm sort of being my own imaginary friend while I do this. Not neccesarily the imaginary lover, nowadays we are just friends.....
So far all I've done is take a nap since we got up at 4 a.m. do some household chores, and go for a couple of walks in tomboy mode. I have a gig tonight where I'll need to wear male concert drag but with snow coming I'm sort of hoping they'll cancel it. A nice night by the fire in a sweater and long skirt beckons.

I'll keep you posted ladies.

It's nice to be back

[Anthony Simon]

Welcome back.

[Absaroka]

Well they cancelled the gig and then the storm seemed to have cancelled itself also. So I stayed home, practiced, watched tv and went to bed early. It was too cold to sleep in a nightgown so I slept in a warm dress with leggings.

I spent some time on FB. Argued politics with strangers for a while, which makes farmville seem sort of reasonable by way of comparison. I don't know why I do it except that I live near Sandy Hook and it gives me a chance to say things that I wouldn't say to people I know. We had to agree not to discuss the politics of it at rehearsals, too many people were personally affected. I intend to maintain that poiicy here and any digression into the politics of it will lead to the deletion of the entire thread. Just bringing up the fact that it was discussed.

Considering how I really have not missed dressing over the last 9 months or so, I was a tad surprised at just how comfortable and comforting the whole routine is.

I actually made up a couple of FB alters. In addition to Zari, there was another female alter who I used to just be friendly with folks I don't know, without discussion of gender stuff. I gave her a cute avatar and the difference in how people reacted to her was interesting. I'm wondering if presenting as female on FB is just another way of crossdressing, but without clothing. I eventually told most of her friends to just friend Zari.

It's snowing now, and I have work to do. Just like the old days.

[Anita]

Good to see you back here, Zari. A week's separation from your wife is a pleasant thing, if you're both there all the time. My girlfriend is also here all the time, so if she accompanies older daughter to look at a prospective college in LA, I'll have the apartment to myself for the weekend. That is nice, just for the change.

So that other time was eight years ago? It doesn't seem that long ago. You can see a snapshot of how things have changed in that amount of time.

[Absaroka]

Anita the first time was 8 years ago. There have been others since. So much has changed.....

So much of it is familiar at this point. It's usually in March or April, I usually have a bunch of work to do and have trouble getting it done because I'm doing other stuff, I'm not sure what. Cleaning and stuff I guess, trying to keep the house orderly to make up for the disorder in my mind at being alone. Often it snows.

I find it's a fun thing to wake up after having slept in my dress or whatever and be snowed in. The staying indoors because of the snow is a mirror of my keeping to myself at these times. I generally like being snowed in anyway, this way it's a bit more cozy.

I'm left more than ever with the sense that spending the day in my tomboy skirt and sweater is a way of keeping myself company, something to do while I'm alone. Something to make the solitude special. I don't feel this is really filling a void to be feminine in my life, but it is filling some sort of a need.

Last night was quiet. I went to a meeting, always a good thing to do when I'm home alone, and offered to help a friend of mine move next week. Then I watched tv, worked on a chart, and went to bed. Interestingly I didn't want or need to do any of Zari's facebook stuff. She likes to know a lot of people different from her, and as a result sometimes engages in useless discussions there. I have the feeling that I haven't even scratched the surface of the wierdness on FB, and already I'm finding it best to stay away from a lot of folks who want to friend me.

It's funny how when I am home alone, mundane things like cleaning become a way of nurturing myself.

It will be time to go for a walk soon and enjoy the new snow.

[Absaroka]

Another quiet day. It snowed all day again, and some of it actually stuck. Went for a couple of walks semi fem in my fleeces and leggings and hiking boots.

I watched a movie called "For Colored Girls" tonight. I guess you could call it a womans movie. It had a fairly heavyweight cast, Phylicia Rashad, Whoopi Goldberg (not as loveable as she usually is) Janet Jackson, Macy Gray, and others. It's based on a broadway play called For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enough. It reminded me of some stuff I wrote about my grandmother some time ago here, although she was white. The theme being that when the men fail, women endure. I have to say that most of the men come off poorly in the movie, but not all of them. It made me think about how the movie was produced by a man, Tyler Perry. It gives a whole new perspective to it to think that the movie was produced by a man: it makes the movie something of a challenge to us to do better.

A lot of the movie is about various women's struggle to either gain their own self respect, or to keep it from being taken from them. I suspect that a lot of what is portrayed is womens issues, and that any woman would identify with some of it, but it's also seen through the prism of race, although there is no interaction with non Black people, no racism except for self hatred. Whoopi Goldbergs character in particular is a study in self loathing.

Best line for the movie is a fill in the blank thing they do towards the end. "my love is too _____________ to be thrown back in my face" I guess we could do our own little fill in the blank here, any takers?

Well that's it for tonight ladies.

[Anita]

I always loved snowed-in nights around the fireplace at our family home in Ohio.

Tonight it’s a cold, blustery wind. I walked to the bank and back, and had a pint of Sierra Nevada ale at the local Irish pub. LeeAnne did go to LA, so I have a weekend by myself. I miss her, but I also like the novelty of being on my own. It doesn’t matter how much you or I love our partners, it’s fun to do something apart from them sometimes.

The big double-trunk eucalyptus on the other side of El Camino Real was really swaying, way up high in its branches.
Big white clouds, stars, and the evergreen in front of our apartment blowing around, too. The Lutheran church across the street is all lit up in the front, with spotlights. It all looks like a Georgia O’Keefe painting to me; she’d know how to capture all this.

I hope you can make the fur fly on that work you’ve got to do, and then just take it easy.

I wrote this post, and for whatever reason, it disappeared. I thought your latest post was a reply to mine; instead, there’s nothing between your last post and this one. Always a bit of a shock, when a post never makes it to the forum.

[Anthony Simon]

It sounds like you're in a kind of holding yourself, processing stuff place, Zari. When I dress up, that's where I go, to some extent. I tend to do it only for half a day.

The self-hatred stuff is probably what happens in a closed community which has absorbed the view of the outside world. Like its shadow still falls on them.

I guess you're protecting yourself from the worst of outside world by not following up some of the facebook stuff - in that all the weirdest stuff ends up there. Like things people wouldn't dare say in their day-to-day. Or perhaps it's only imagine rather than say. So then it's not the "real world" either.

[Absaroka]

It's a beautiful warm day out today. I'm faced with a dilemma many of us sometimes deal with. Do I stay home and enjoy myself and my little vacation, puttering around the house, doing things that do in fact need to be done, or go out and enjoy the outside world. Well I guess it's time to get outside.........

[Absaroka]

Well I went out for a walk after that post. Yesterday was nice. Cleaned the house in my tomboy skirt and sweater, went for walks, practiced, and so on. That evening a very good friend came for dinner. I find that altough I'll underdress when I go out, as much for convenience as anything else at this point (although there is this little bit of me that keeps score, how many hours of the day was I at least wearing panties?) I do not do this with good friends. It feels dishonest, lying by ommision, as if part of me is not really there. We had a nice dinner of rapini, mushrooms, pork and grains. She was quite complimentary of my cooking. Decades ago we lived in two halves of a two family house and I'd cook for her all the time. My wife called, we chatted for a while, and she said she didn't want me to be ignoring my guest and we'd talk later. Now that is a very nice wife!!!! We sat by the fire and had a long heart to heart, mostly about how we are getting old, and since she has no family to speak of except a couple of folks who are either in institutions or should be, what will she be doing with herself in her late 60's. I guess you could say I was expressing my feminine side, being supportive, listening, and so on, but it's really just me.

After she left I redressed and eventually went to bed. I am finding it's still to cold for a night gown, but leggings, skirt, and sweater are really cozy. Often it's hard to get to sleep en femme, but I'm going right out this time. I sort of wonder what's changed in that regard.

I wore one of my bustiers for a while yesterday. Like so many of us at one time when I first started doing this a lot I experimented a lot with corsets and bustiers. In time I found that the discomfort made them to be not fun, but one was actually pretty comfortable and I kept it. I've gained a couple of pounds and it was quite snug, and it felt really nice. Also made my back feel a bit better, it was sore because I did something awkward while cleaning. It reminded me of how so many of us like clingy or confining clothes- something I hate in mens clothing.