Fantasy vs Reality

[Kara]

I find there is a dichotomy going on.

On one hand I love wearing women's clothes. Have since I was a teen. I love the tightness, the way my skirt swishes on my girdle and nylons. I love feeling lipstick on my lips. I love looking down and seeing my breasts. I just feel more comfortable.

On the other hand there is the realization that I am a big man in women's clothing and I don't know how to come to terms (not the words I was looking for, rationalize, maybe) with the two.

I read a lot of members saying "just accept who you are, don't base your self worth on what others think, don't box yourself in with others stereotypes" etc.

But the reality is that if I or others like me were to go out in public looking like a man wearing women's clothing we could get seriously hurt, emotionally and physically, especially if you are in a smaller community with strict ideas on what is and is not accepted. So we hide in our homes dressing when no one is around.

And for many people acceptance by your family (parents, spouse, siblings, children) and friends is important for their emotional well-being.
Jeopardizing that for the "need", "urge", "comfort", of dressing may be out of the question or impossible.

I look at beautiful women and wonder what it would be like to be them. To be able to wear 6 inch knee high boots, or bikinis, or short dresses, sexy clothes, to be able to look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman and not this freaky looking man.

Sometimes my wife catches me looking at other women. Sometimes the women catch me looking and give me that "pervert" look. Neither realizes I am looking at their shoes, pantyhose, skirt or sweater.

It takes a lot of physical and emotional energy to live like this. I fantasize that if I had never started this or could turn it off my life would be so much better.

I am dressed as I write this and my son just came home from college. If he were to come in here and catch me I don't know what I would do. From the back he cannot tell.
I am afraid he will find out but on the other side I don't want to change my clothes.

So here I sit spilling my guts out to people I don't know instead of working like I should be.

Like I said, a dichotomy.

[Kittie]

I share the views
My wife and daughter (in particular) accept my CD activities. I have 2 sons an d wonder what they wold thin k. I have bb en 80% fem dressed all day and if viewed closely it would e obvious I wearing a bra

[Karin]

Sometimes my wife catches me looking at other women. Sometimes the women catch me looking and give me that "pervert" look. Neither realizes I am looking at their shoes, pantyhose, skirt or sweater.

It takes a lot of physical and emotional energy to live like this.

Thats a good post kara . I think we all feel this to a degree? One thing ive noticed tho, is that i no longer get these looks from GG that you mention? Before i started doing all this he would do the same thing and get busted out with those very looks, but nowadays i just get smiles and a hello. Strangers talk to me like i know them? which is a bit trippy to me. Even at work when im albeit it a bit girly, im known as him. Heck even the dudes are softer to me and exclude me from the normal neanderthal competitionism haha This leads me to believe that looks are less important than mannerisms for us, and if i can do it - anyone can.

[April Rose]

Karin, that is an interesting response. I feel like I have gotten myself to a place where I am comfortable with my identity, without outing myself at work, and yet I sometimes an accuse myself of being emotionally distant. I suppose that is just the habit of a lifetime.

[April Rose]

Kara, this may not be possible for you, but this is what I did to free myself from the "Pervert" issue of self doubt.

I realized that I had these overwhelming feelings, this drive to dress as a woman. Having reached middle age, I realized that they weren't going away. So, Even though I was a parent, in the middle of my earning life, and without much privacy at all, I decided that I had to stop fighting this. I was tired of being constantly driven and attacked by it. So I decided I would surrender.

About 10 years ago, I determined to dress in women's clothes, every day, for at least fifteen minutes, whether I felt like it or not. It was inconvenient, and took a lot of planning, and a lot of closed door bedroom dressing, but eventually, it became a habit, rather than a drive. It doesn't sound like much of a change, but believe me, it is like night and day.

A habit, like brushing your teeth before going to bed, can be a very good and positive thing. Now I dress Every day. But not because I'm driven to it. It's because I always do. Like looking forward to a beer, or bicycle ride, at the end of along day.

[Gina]

Yes, CDing can be a huge energy drain....and time...one of my "issues"

[Mike P.]

Hi Kara, I feel for you as I have some dichotomoy issues as well between dressing, and fantasy. I think you will start to feel more comfortable, and not care about others after time, as like some other ladies shared here. Plus, you say you are a big guy, and I myself like to work out, and stay in shape, even though I noticed I've lost weight since dressing more, which is due to dancing in my room, so being a big person, I can't see people messing with you. Maybe have that same confidence, and attitude you might have as a guy, people sense attitude. I know it's different for you and others here, having a wife, and kids, so I can't begin to compare myself, as I'm sure that is way more difficult, but talking to someone, either here, or professionally may help.
My difficulty with reality, and fantasy is that while crossdressing is sexual, it is also superficial, and I have always been someone who holds his views and values of the more important things, like possibly love, and maybe meeting someone. However, when I told my regular therapist that I was going to try hypnotherapy to cope with my addiction issues, which also encompasses being submissive, she asked if I was also using it to try to decrease my crossdressing so that I can meet a woman, or GG. I realize now after reading some posts, that I may not be able to meet a GG, but maybe someone who is lesbian, or even another CD. The dichotomy of being in the present, and focusing on your career, helping others, while trying not to focus on fantasy so much is difficult.

[Kara]

When I say I am a big guy, I didn't necessarily mean muscular. I mean I am a little over 6 ft and about 200 lbs. I just feel if I were to go out in public dressed like a woman I would stand out. Especially wearing heels (I love high heels, the higher the better).

I have never had a lot of self confidence. I was always picked on in school. When I was a teen, I was terrified I would be found out wearing woman's undergarments under my clothes.

I don't think this part of me helped with my self esteem. I was called "queer, fag, homo" because I wasn't tough or good at sports. I did not believe I was gay, but being called that over and over makes one doubt oneself.

I am currently unemployed having lost my business and I don't think this side of me helps my confidence. I know this is not rational, but I wonder if I am being punished for this secret by not being able to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and not finding employment.

April Rose, I have been dressing more and more lately, not because I have to, but because I want to. I find I feel naked without my bra or cincher.

[Korrinthian]

I am currently unemployed having lost my business and I don't think this side of me helps my confidence. I know this is not rational, but I wonder if I am being punished for this secret by not being able to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and not finding employment.

What do you feel like is punishing you for the way you feel?

[TammyT]

I know this is not rational, but I wonder if I am being punished for this secret by not being able to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and not finding employment.

Truth be told, I feel exactly the same. It hasn't always been, but crossdressing has become sexual for me, and I hate that it has. That said, it took me a long time to realise that my femininity and sexuality are two different issues; I've been intrigued by female fashion since I was about 8, but it didn't become sexual until about a decade later. I've learned the hard way that the sexual side of it is my response to my loneliness, not my girliness. It is something that I want to deal with before I get married, but it is something that I struggle with almost daily. I am making baby steps, and joining this forum (and another similar local group) has helped enormously because my femininity is the one aspect of my life that I had never told anyone about until I had joined these groups only a month ago. It feels wonderful to finally be able to express it verbally (or textually, as it were), but I'm still dealing with elements of shame and it still feels like at least a part of what I'm doing is wrong and sinful; I've been out of work for some time, as well as being a social sojourner, and I can't help but wonder at times if my "secret life" has anything to do with it. As a Christian, though, I ultimately believe that I am forgiven and unconditionally loved and that my shame has already been dealt with, and I strive to encourage and support other CDs and TGs who might be in my boat or are worse off. But I digress.


We're all here for you, Kara. I know how difficult it can be to find a balance between masculinity and femininity, but I have managed to find a happy balance that I can now share amongst fellow CDs. Do you mind me asking about your masculine side, Kara? Forget about clothes for just a second: how comfortable and happy are you doing normal husband/fatherly/man things? Are you at all interested in anything that may stereotypically considered masculine (sports, cars, beer, gaming, rock music, anything)? My own dichotomies were finding a balance between my love of sports and of nerdiness, feeling like a guy but loving women's fashion, building up my toughness as a a man while still having the sensitivity of a woman, and my use of logic and reasoning in conjunction with being spiritually sensitive. The good news is that I am happy with the balance that I've found, and it's absolutely possible for everyone to find their own internal harmony! I struggle to fully fit in socially (which has nothing to do with my femininity), but my friends recognise and love me for being a unique person, and I'm finally coming around to accepting that for myself.

Going by some of your past posts, I can tell that you love your wife and kids dearly, which is wonderful. I gather that your wife isn't supportive of sexual crossdressing, but how would she feel about you giving her occasional fashion advice? Use your passion for fashion to your advantage! Perhaps telling her how beautiful she looks in particular colours and styles might open up an avenue -- or at least a narrow lane -- to your feminine side. If you can muster up the heart and courage, it is worth making a sacrifice for just one night where you can take the strong role of husband. You don't have to be a hairy, smelly, and loutish man -- men can be sensitive and well-groomed too! Have a one-on-one candlelit dinner with your wife -- perhaps at home or somewhere where there are no distractions especially from other well-dressed women -- where you are the husband and she is the wife. Tell her how much you love her and your kids, tell her how beautiful she is, and you don't even have to mention your own femininity. Even if it doesn't help your own femininity all that much, your wife will appreciate the romantic gesture.


I hope things have been going well since you've last posted. Again, we're all here for you.

[Marda]

I find there is a dichotomy going on.

I read a lot of members saying "just accept who you are, don't base your self worth on what others think, don't box yourself in with others stereotypes" etc.


Kara, Dunno if this reply is too frivolous, but, I think I've already mentioned, this story as encouragerment. dig? recently a hospital GG and I were yapping about my bra after the ECG Lady expressed her appreciation as she lifted my top to stick her trodepatches. The other GG shouted
you gotta think outside the box! Iflashed the peek of my bra and shouted back. hell what/ I LIVE outside the box. So Much for Your Box,Kara Fly on butterFLY!


I am dressed as I write this and my son just came home from college. If he were to come in here and catch me I don't know what I would do. From the back he cannot tell.

I am afraid he will find out but on the other side I don't want to change my clothes.
dichotomy.

Rubbish!

It was my Dad Who Showed me how to stockpile Good Lingerie, keep it, and live in a closet!

My regret? I never had the nerve to let him off the hook!

He had a Massive Collection,Sexy and basic, Also special laundry basket. Wore nice soft and sexy panties for comfort and sensuality!
Sons Know about Special Dads. Your Dichetc. is Your Hangup, Not His. Mentor Your son It''s YOUR Dadly Duty! It's His Birthright! He's the Member,Younger of Family Lucky Sperm Club!
Some Poor Kids are Born into Money? You've Given Him Love! How Cool???

He started me into Lingerie Appreciation by treating , Mom with Good Vintage '50s stuff she was Fine Lady! see My Beginnings for clue!
Maybe your Son is Also In a closet ? Liberate Both of youz and shop together treat him/her @ Chistmas/B'day! When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping ,together?

Also started by shariuing that Dirty,Nasty Hefner Stuff It was Me who Followed his Guidance into Liberation. He Even Studied Human Sexuality As Educator. Case-Studied GGs of All sorts in Major Canadian University. Maybe Your Son will Liberate His Son's Generation?
Love,
Marda

[Marda]

I am currently unemployed having lost my business and I don't think this side of me helps my confidence. I know this is not rational, but I wonder if I am being punished for this secret by not being able to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and not finding employment.

I'm Launching Business Plan. You're being Punished By YOurself, For What/Why? No Good Reason!
Serious Idiots Freak because They're Idiots. Let Them Avoid You! for Their Reasons! Employment is Not What You Need! Be Real WithYOurself and Occupation/LifeStyle Will Find You! Napolean Hill = It is at some Crisis Point when You Find Your Other Side.
Marconi's Friends Tried To Lock him in A Loony BIn, because he was Special!They were Idiots. He Dared to Be True To Himself.

Just back in from chat with neighbour Kids/smart/Cool!YOunger people Need Your Savvy! Don't Run Away From your CD Duty!

love,
Marda


What do you feel like is punishing you for the way you feel?

[Marda]

When I say I am a big guy, I didn't necessarily mean muscular. I just feel if I were to go out in public dressed like a woman I would stand out. Especially wearing heels (I love high heels, the higher the better).
* Warning, Paragraph Breaks Messed Up My Bad,Tired SorrySO! Plod Through for Meat in sandwich Tasty stuff ahead! You'll Be Fine! ,Kara!
Kara, stop messing with Your Own Head. stand Out By dressing Like An Elegant, Larger Earthling Who (not That), Looks Great and Feels Struts Great In Public. Possibly Save YOur KinkTastes For semiPublic or Private! Even Dames Know This! I Recommend Low Key for Earlier Outings! No Need To be Aggressive? Simple Assertive Is Great! Bullying is Bad No Matter What Ages. Love YOurself and Build the confidence That You were Robbed Of by Idiots When Younger. You Are strong And Confident when You start Assertng YOurself First Toward Yoursellf!And Get Major Clue From Little Choo Choo! I Think I Can
I Think I CanI Think I CanI Think I CanI Think I CanI Think I CanI Think I Can!!! Read Napolean Hill>>>, Then>.. I Thought I Could,
I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could, I Think I Can I Think I Can I Think I Can I Think I Can I Think I Can I Think I Can I Think I Can!I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,I Thought I Could,
Job Done! You Look Sensational Today, Kara!

* Special Note>> The Last Psychiatrist That (Not Who) I Educated was Really Disturbed about Me Not Being HIS customer! He was The Sucker! Wanted My Self-esteem! for his own Hangups! Idiot!

Love,Marda ...Keep GOing>> oopsie fragmentation Paragraphing Sorry SO! A? sleepy,
Marda Go Sleepy cut errors>>>

I Almost Prescribed Harley Davidson for Penis Augmentation! Sucker!
Wore Teal Purple Punch Lacey to oappt.He BIG Jealous!


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Love,
Marda

I have never had a lot of self confidence. I was always picked on in school. When I was a teen, I was terrified I would be found out wearing woman's undergarments under my clothes.

I don't think this part of me helped with my self esteem. I was called "queer, fag, homo" because I wasn't tough or good at sports. I did not believe I was gay, but being called that over and over makes one doubt oneself.

I am currently unemployed having lost my business and I don't think this side of me helps my confidence. I know this is not rational, but I wonder if I am being punished for this secret by not being able to figure out what to do with the rest of my life and not finding employment.

April Rose, I have been dressing more and more lately, not because I have to, but because I want to. I find I feel naked without my bra or cincher.

*Suggestion Addin>>> A Professional Wardrobe Consultant Helps educate Taste and Tricks To enhance every Good Looker, Knowing ThatKey Is Buildingconfidence By Dressing Slick And Graduating To feeling Good Is function Of feeling Good Through looking Good. Best SA is Mirror!
* Trust Good Consultant To Help Educate Mirror!Accept Shared Secrets Willingly Thankfully!
Consultant Goes Home Happpy For Helping Strut customers! Thrill!
Now, Love,
Marda
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzG'nite, Nice Babydoll, Marda! Tropical Puinch,Ssweet!

[Marda]

Kara, this may not be possible for you, but this is what I did to free myself from the "Pervert" issue of self doubt.

About 10 years ago, I determined to dress in women's clothes, every day, for at least fifteen minutes, whether I felt like it or not. It was inconvenient, and took a lot of planning, and a lot of closed door bedroom dressing, but eventually, it became a habit, rather than a drive. It doesn't sound like much of a change, but believe me, it is like night and day.

A habit, like brushing your teeth before going to bed, can be a very good and positive thing. Now I dress Every day. But not because I'm driven to it. It's because I always do. Like looking forward to a beer, or bicycle ride, at the end of along day.

April Rose, Not to be Negative but Constructively critical! dig?, I'm having difficulty with Your Habit word. Perception is everything here. Routine is Good,Habit is Addiction/NegatveYOur Not Needing Slavery! but Continuity through constructive organization/Routine development Then Self Becomes Discliplined,Not Trapped. Not Semantics here, But Positive Self-Talk And Healthy Self-Discipline!

Why Pay Psychologist Cash Rakers unnecessarily? They Feed On Uncertainty. Basic Elementary School or Kids Stuff. First Education, Next Meditation, Not Medication, Not Slavery, Liberation!
Love,
Marda

[Anthony Simon]

I know that being married and my wife's limited acceptance (panties are fine with her and she knows I have other clothes, but doesn't want to see me in them) has limited my feminine expression. I wouldn't trade my marriage or her for the freedom (obviously, as I've stayed with her and accepted this "compromise), but as I get older I realize that my opportunities for my feminine expression are waning. I now realize that these urges and wishes have not diminished with time and actually have gotten stronger.

I'm just wondering if you've considered mentioning to your wife that your feelings have gotten stronger. There's just a sense in me that you need to share your feelings.