Showing yourself en femme up for your wife for the 1st time

[Dana L'Amour]

So I had "the talk" with my wife a few days ago. As I related in another post, she was surprised, overwhelmed, unsure what to make of all this. We talked again over dinner the following night and one thing she said was that she was not ready to see me dressed up. I recognize that I need to take this slow, on her timetable, that I need to be patient.

I am interested in going out of the house en femme – one opportunity is to a local gathering of TG/CDers, but getting ready for it would mean dressing up at home where I would have to cross paths with my wife and sons. I’m just wondering what your experiences been with showing yourself dressed up to your wife for the first time? When was the right moment? How soon after you told her? What was her reaction?

[Karin]

Thats a tricky one Dana.

When i first realised i needed to do this, i told my wife before i started? She just said she always knew which kinda threw me a bit lol. What followed was trying just a few things out... socks, tights, some MJ's then a skirt. She saw this as it happened over about a week. Then i just turned to her one night and said "i wanna see her". She asked if i was sure, and then fetched her makeup and spent several hours showing me how to use it and trying to do stuff with my hair. Then she took a picture of me.

Now i know all this sounds like a dream lol, and yes i was very lucky, but it would be wrong to paint this as all joyous and happy? In reality it was very quiet and sorta sombre. At the time of happening, 'HE' had already gone, so for me it was like 'air' or medicine as i timidly learned who i am? For my wife it was in her own words, 'bittersweet' she embraced the real me, but at the same time 'mourned' the loss of HIM. thats exactly how she descibes it and thats coming from someone whos been nothing but wonderful and supportive in EVERYTHING i do and want to do.

This stuff isnt easy on a family, so as slow as possible with as much communication as you can would probably be helpful.

Good luck xxx

[Rony]

Dana
While I've never gone to any kind of gathering, it has been my understanding that at most organized type gathering there will be a place to change. If you know someone who is part of a group I would suggest you contact them and inquire about the availability of a place to change.
In regards to communicating with your SO the popular term is Baby steps.
I hope things continue to go well for you.

Ronnie

[Carol Ann]

I agree with Karin this is a hard question. Wife maybe OK but depending on the age of your children I don't know how they would take or understand it why daddy is dress like a women.

[Dana L'Amour]

Karin, thanks for sharing your experience. This is making me realize the need to go slow, to do this on my wife's schedule, not mine - when she says that she is ready or I get the sense that she may be more open to seeing me.

I thought your remark about the loss of HIM was very powerful; after I told my wife last week I could feel her pulling back as if she was sensing that I was no longer really truly the man that she had married. I can start to see the impact that this can have on existing relationships with family members.

Someone had commented that I am in a "pink fog" and in the initial excitement about my transformation last weekend and resulting desire to engage the world en femme I still must take slow steps to move forward with this new me.

I am very grateful that this forum is available and helping me stay more grounded as I move forward.


And Carol Ann, thanks for your remark about thinking carefully about telling my sons. They are both in their twenties and harder to read about how understanding and accepting they may be. Growing up they did see me dressed up for a number of years in our annual local Mardi Gras parade, but I recognize that those events were special occasions and now several years ago.

My wife did ask me to put myself in their shoes by thinking about how I would have felt seeing my own father dressed up. Conjuring up that mental image did result result in a negative feeling about telling my sons, but part of me wants to think that I am different and that my sons may react differently. It's hard to know how they might react and what to do...


** Edited to combine successive posts only, as per: http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... 65&t=10059" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; - SL

[Karin]

Youre welcome Dana

It was during a very stressful period for us both that i came out. It happened quickly and i never just said 'oh i want to dress'. Nope, it was 'im a girl'. It was then that she told me that shed 'always known?'

For us here, it was never a crossdressing issue, but a gender one so im not sure thats the same? It did answer one of the big questions though that kept coming up...'why?'
The other repeat question or concern was 'are you gay?' its amazing how people assume that, but they do. My wife fully understands that im not gay, she woudnt have stuck around if i were.

If any of your family were to ask these questions, your answers are very important Dana. The trouble is its hard for others to know who we are if we dont know ourselves..

[Dana L'Amour]

Karin, thanks for pointing out the need to know the answers to those kinds of questions.

my wive did ask me those questions...I told her that I am not gay and that I am not a girl, or that I am comfortable as a male and do not see that changing in the future as far as I can see into the future for now...I do need to reflect further to help answer the "why" question for me. If it matters to answer that question - does it?

[Karin]

I do need to reflect further to help answer the "why" question for me. If it matters to answer that question - does it?

And that is another question in itself isnt it?

For myself, i dont think theres a right nor wrong way to do things, we're all different and we do what works for us? Ive been asked so many times why this or why that? and i just say... 'cos i like it!' hahaha I do think that there are some people out there tho that find it easier to digest if theres a neat little box to label things under?. Some need it, some dont.. perhaps?

[Carla Michelle]

...The other repeat question or concern was 'are you gay?' its amazing how people assume that, but they do. My wife fully understands that im not gay, she woudnt have stuck around if i were. ...

You're a lady, married to a lady and you both have no desire to change that. I'd say that makes you a lesbian.

[Anthony Simon]

I thought your remark about the loss of HIM was very powerful; after I told my wife last week I could feel her pulling back as if she was sensing that I was no longer really truly the man that she had married.

There is something else that relates to this - that your sex drive is low and that your wife had suggested you see someone about it. You said it didn't feel like it was a problem - and indeed connected it to the CDing as something beneficial.

It's likely your wife does see it as a problem - like the problem of you having sex less often. And that's likely to be in the background when she thinks about whether you're "the man she married". Like it'll affect the "mood music" to how she deals with the CDing.

Someone had commented that I am in a "pink fog" and in the initial excitement about my transformation last weekend and resulting desire to engage the world en femme I still must take slow steps to move forward with this new me.

I'm the one with the "pink fog". But it's a kind of generic term for what hits most CDs (including me) at one time or another. Like "baby steps" (another generic term) is what you need to take when your vision is kind of obscured (to avoid walking into stuff).

[Dana L'Amour]

Nunya - you lost me there...I think I'm still a guy...I'm not a lesbian, yet?

Anthony you said

It's likely your wife does see it as a problem - like the problem of you having sex less often. And that's likely to be in the background when she thinks about whether you're "the man she married". Like it'll affect the "mood music" to how she deals with the CDing.

Well she says that she doesn't have much of a sex drive.  But, I can start to see how CDing could change the dynamic with my wife, short of sex...about just being affectionate.  She said that she is not attracted to women.  

So how does CDing affect the relationship between a husband and wife?  I could see, if a wife isn't turned on by women, and she starts to think of her husband in a more female way, that CDng could drive a couple apart.  And if I have a low sex drive and am beginning to think of myself in a more feminine way, will I continue to be turned by my wife?   

How does this play out for folks - How does CDing affect your sexual relationship with your wife?
.

[Carla Michelle]

Nunya - you lost me there...I think I'm still a guy...I'm not a lesbian, yet?

That reply was to Karin. Notice she is quoted in my post.

[Karin]

That reply was to Karin. Notice she is quoted in my post.

Guilteeeeeeeee!

Actually i used to say i was just 'that' all through my teenage years, and people just laughed


I didnt realise at the time just how much of it was true...

[Dana L'Amour]

Nunya: sorry!! My bad.

[Carla Michelle]

No biggie Dana
When ever I have to learn how to navigate a new forum I always get something out of whack.
And Karin, I have always said the same thing, only I did know the reality and just kept hiding it until now.