ok, so what am I?

[Anne Bonny]

I am not sure were I absolutely free to do so, wife gone, kids away at school, home alone. I will for the first time in my life be looking at a choice stay single and enjoy, or seek partnership again with someone who can accept a man who loves to feel and dress as a woman at times.

I will probably have some good times being able to dress without fear - relaxed and may find myself dressing from a hour or two to perhaps as long as a week or more, perhaps even taking the car out at night fully dressed for a spin around town.

I do enjoy the sexual component which makes me nothing but a true transvestic fetishism - came across this which seems to say two things 1 it is not interfering with my life and is not therefore a problem, and 2 is usually incurable therefore BUT the treatment is exactly what I hit upon in my previous post - we are bombarded by the stimuli hundreds hum...perhaps thousands of times per day ( TV, and just going out in public women and their wonderful things surround us even at home) but we can well here's a paragraph: "Treatment options for transvestite fetishism have been largely unsuccessful over the years. Because this disorder is not usually harmful to others, nor does it directly lead to criminal activity, therapy is likely the best selection, if treatment is deemed necessary. Behavioral therapy may make use of orgasmic reorientation, which can teach new sexual responses to stimuli which is culturally acceptable. Cognitive-behavioral may also be useful in teaching the patient to become aware of events which may commonly trigger the behavior and advise on new coping skills and activities which could lead to a more productive and healthy response."

I do not believe my gender is feminine but who knows? I am sensitive, not competetive, and...but this is just cherry picking traits and trying to add them up and then say - well gee, since I have all these traits I must be transgendered and dressing up would be the right thing for me to start doing more often because I am really feminine in a lot of ways so if the shoe fits... Basically are my interests and desires more similar to women or to men? When I think about that...I know that women are very meticulous especially when it comes to relating to others and women I do believe tend to be a little smarter than I am because they think of things I would never have thought of.

I suppose no one can tell me what I am, I suppose I am more a fetishist, than I am transgendered.

What a way to spend my life!

[Sarah Ann]

Anne, you sound a whale of a lot like me, except that I've decided to stop agonizing over it and glory in it. Don't do anything self destructive, but don't let society tell you to despise what you are, either. Consider this, look around the Internet a while and see how much crap is out there, and then look in here and see what a pleasant little nook we and others like us have made. I'd say we have a lot going for us as people.

I'm probably a freak occurrence of genetics, but I've stopped apologizing for it, and decided to enjoy it. Especially how good my makeup looks, how well my bra fits, how much more i enjoy the female social role, the way my heels flatter my feet, the wider view of things it gives me to be like this, the fights I no longer feel I have to pick, and a hundred other things.

"This is the day that the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it."

[Davita]

As Sarah Ann says, stop agonizing over it. It's pointless to lump yourself into some group. Nature didn't make groups; people did. Okay, so maybe you have a fetish, maybe you just cross dress, maybe you think being a woman is a good idea. Nothing you can come up with will be black and white. Heck, even the sex of people comes in variations with xx, xy, xxy, yyx chromosomes. Then add the physical sex parts and even they don't always come in a black and white obvious distinction. And golly, how come you can't have a fetish and still be trans both?

You are who your are. You are what you are. Take advantage of being you. Don't denigrate yourself into a lump of stuff...

[Karin]

Hi Anne
I don't usually like quoting back lots of little bits of a post, but this time I just have to! Haha

I am not sure...

And who really IS sure of their future? - Not many I'm sure...

I will probably have some good times being able to dress without fear - relaxed and may find myself dressing from a hour or two to perhaps as long as a week or more, perhaps even taking the car out at night fully dressed for a spin around town.

Hope and plans are awesome aren't they? Good things come to those who wait, and its wonderful to see that 'Anne' is going to be around

I do enjoy the sexual component which makes me nothing but a true transvestic fetishism...

So?? I'm not being blunt but I just don't see the problem?

...it is not interfering with my life and is not therefore a problem...

Ahh. Its not a problem..

...this disorder is not usually harmful to others, nor does it directly lead to criminal activity...

So its fine then!

I do not believe my gender is feminine but who knows?

How important is it right now then - Does it really matter?

I suppose no one can tell me what I am, I suppose I am more a fetishist, than I am transgendered.

I can. You're just a 'person' who's living their life. A bit like this loaf of bread I have here. It has many layers and its half white and half brown bread. They call it the 'best of both' cos its healthy, and.....balanced! Think about that

What a way to spend my life!

Well..you could have been boring I spose. C'mon! You know its awesome really!

[DonnaT]

I thought you were trying to quit?

Only you can label yourself.

If it feels good, and hurts no one else, then do what you want!

[Anne Bonny]

Women and men can go back and forth on things. Yeah was trying to quit but am back have decided to just drop it. I do believe there is therapy but in most all cases it rarely works and who knows for the few who say they were able to give it up after therapy did they really we cannot read minds. I did finally hit upon the true nature of this part of who I am and it has to do with envy, conditioning, and confusion, as much as perhaps with genetic inclination which I do not deny either.

I was thinking about my age, the weight gain that is harder to get off the grey hair, the drier and more wrinkly skin, the scared up places from wounds that did not heal as they did when I was younger and disappeared usually. We all get older and as we age we can no longer look like we did even at age 40. I was also thinking about what I see as very real masculine ways in my self.

So here I am with Panties under my shorts, may add a bra when the nurse and aid have come and gone my wife is in hospice. I have decided to revel in it again and just let it go.

I quit my zoloft and found one of the side effects potentially is gynecomastia (wow, but unfortunately did not receive this very real benefit in a cross dresser's mind ) - I may have a very slight bit of this but I have also gained some weight being so home bound caring for my wife after a while I have become immobile. Fat is a feminine tissue and I remember the physician talking about a fat pad on my chest xray...suppose so. At one time I tried rubbing vitamin E or was it fish oil into my breasts twice a day, and have had to throw out many stained t-shirts and a bra due to the staining and in the case of the shirts the visible and curious pattern - Ha! Kind of like applying lipstick and forgetting you have it on though fortunately it has worn of and is there only in your worried mind - the lip stains are not for me at least not yet.

Perhaps I would like to have a sex change it would certainly be a lot more comfortable not having things get caught or bound painfully on occasion and I think were I to have the entire female perineum it could only make me feel happier as a transvestite and to accept it all better - perhaps that is something to think about, I frequently think how wonderful it would be to have sex as a woman until I remember the person making love to me would be male then I cringe. I suppose I am just a male lesbian and would rather have the other type of properly shaped thing inside of me that is prosthetic. Who knows we all have those dreams of being able to let someone else take charge and our going along for the ride while being deeply loved and treated very kindly along the way. I really think I could live the rest of my life like that but what to do with going out in public?? how would I hide my "wobbily things" then, and the lack of an appropriate fullness up front? Oh wouldn't it be wonderful??

Oh well, Hi Karin...

[Sarah Beth]

I noticed your comments on "tranvetic fetishism" and talk about treatmetns etc. You may find this helpful"

Google book preview: Counseling LGBTI Clients - Kevin Alderson

They've devoted Chapter 7 to crossdressers and chapter 8 to MtF Transsexuals.

We didcussed this issue at length some 20 years ago when I was in graduate school. I co-wrote a paper on the subject for one of them. For the most part at that time the feeling was, and I believed this have further progressed, that it isn't a desease or mental disorder and therefore did not require a treatment. Rather the emphasis was and believe still is shifting to treatment of the angst created by the reaction of society so someone who is in the so called "category".

We all have to be who we are, although we may be constrained and limited by the society and culture we live in. I hoep that will all change though I doubt I will see it in my life time.

[Gillian]

If you are looking for happiness from outside circumstances, then you are in big trouble. Gender, one way or the other, works out about the same. As long as this inner war is going on within you, happiness will elude you. I only found peace when I accepted myself, as is. It was this peace that opened the door to some happiness coming into my life. I change the things that I can and accept the things that I can't, those I leave to God. Yea, I wear a skirt and pantyhose...so what. What is more important, am I loving, kind, generous, patient, gentle, peaceful, I would rather work on those things!

[Anne Bonny]

Angst, exactly - my very words! We live a life... well...here's a conversation with a friend, who knows may turn out to be
more who knows some day. Anyway I highly recommend: 3/6 under Family Secrets Chloe Prince ABC primetime segment 2/6 was a real eye opener for the genetic side of things - oh look it up on you tube it is wonderful watched all 6 segments.

Well I am the central tent pole of the entire enterprise, I'm doing God's work upholding my sacred vows it is an expression of my faith, godly marriage and my love. Things are better today, got to go give her lunch....

12:53pm

Glad things are better today!

12:56pm

Somewhat...I am just dawdling need to go do lunch will be back ...
Today

2:21am

Hi You must think I am insane, in truth I believe that I am. I am so many contradictions. I am worried about health, finances, I do have sincere faith but I am not a perfect person. Not sure if you even want to be bothered with this total stranger. I am no threat to anyone. I wanted to let you know while I did find the right way to work on that thing I said I would no longer mention, in most instances it remains because unless it presents a real problem with the ability to live it usually cannot be successfully treated. That is because most just accept it.I would have to be really driven to stop because it impaired my ability to function so much that it made my life unbearable. Sounds like a cop out but it is not enough to compel me to work on it.
Today

8:08am

I could not sleep last night, and laying in bed with a tablet is not a good way to accomplish that. ...not enough to compel me to work on it I wanted to correct but the tablet would not let me must have hit something that locked the screen keyboard up.
Anyway back to square one. I am concerned about my health - do not feel good, out of shape, right lower leg is swollen this time tendons inner ankle, lower part of the anterior shin...From a muscle strain?? I have to stop shoving things in my mouth, did snack on grape tomatoes, V8, Popcorn, Carrots, drank lots of water, no chocolate or nuts available but greek yogert and cottage cheese with bits of peach in it. In the end it all adds up. I was so fatigued yesterday - know it was from staying up too late. some vertigo oh well I will keep working on things.
8:12am

It is care giver stress on top of the physical leg thing. You must ask hospice about a respite soon.
And are you saying you a re finding yourself wanting to go to the stash of things in the garage that you so carefully put away a few weeks ago????

8:19am

I moved it all back. Yes. A leopard does not change it's spots. I know there is a way but it must really be a problem that has hindered the ability to function so that change is compelled. I was going about it all correctly found an article on it all. It is a very difficult thing to change.

8:28am

Hope this is secure no one but us can see it in Private messaging. We are bombarded by hundreds perhaps thousands of stimuli little jolts sturing up things. Our mind, memories, things seen on TV, seen out and about, heard, all senses being taken in can cause problems. trying to change what those thousands of stimuli bring to mind not impossible but extremely difficult and the article acknowledged in most cases it is unsuccessful. Sounds like a cop out but it's not. It does reduce stress....

8:33am

Has not effected my ability to function in life. Oh well, going for coffee

8:46am

enjoy the java!

9:08am

Well the psychologist I was seeing to discuss things...perhaps I should make another appointment but I was seeing him for stress-depression etc, he would listen to me vent, validate that some things were alright, and on occasion suggesting things, give feedback....I told him about all of this and he stated that I was the first ever to disclose this to him, that there is nothing wrong with it, and that unless it is a problem and I am seeking therapy for it he saw no problems, thought it was all objectively not a problem if it was not a problem for me. He told me not to worry, indulge myself and if I enjoyed this or if it helped to relieve stress he saw nothing wrong with it. Well thinking back on that other than not wanting to be alone...and being up front before things advance too far to be really painful. Gee, am I doomed to be alone finding someone would be a small miracle. I do not have this problem ok perhaps as a fantasy but go to you tube and look at 3/6 under Family Secrets Chloe Prince ABC primetime - amazing what they put on the air. All the angst is there interesting but in reality I would ...hum not go that far. Well too much on this. I am not alone there are many and the depth of the problem varies over a spectrum. Enough on all of this.

9:17am

Pat is doing well...as long as I adhere to a merciless schedule that cannot be varied from 24/7 her care is very good, I would not rate my caregiving as excellent, I am a man after all and the nurturing and meticulous detail which women are driven to carry out are just not in me. I do my best am care, pm care, meds, meals, and an occasional hug, trying and usually successful getting her to the BSC - you develop a kind of inner clock - ok had meal...been an hour or so....and I am in there straining tendons, my back, shoulder etc... my right ring finger now pops when bent on occasion not sure if that will be a permanent problem. I am thinking taking it easy, being more careful not to injury myself - acting like someone who is 56 instead of 26 eventually everything will improve. But lately I feel as though all of this is killing me a little more each day. My blood pressure is fine, pulse in the 60's. but just do not feel good - of course staying up until well after midnight then up at 7-8am is not enough rest but I am not running marathons, but the brain needs a certain amount of down time and that is probably the whole thing.

9:52am

Wow...never watched 2/6. All of my life since I was about 9, with some initial things once or twice at about age 4 perhaps stayed in my mind as obviously I still remember. I have lived nearly my entire life with this angst very rarely a day passes, or an hour that I am not in this angst state of mind. Obviously it is very real and has a basis for some even down to genetics. Not sure that is true in my case - hell of a way to live. I can only be who I am and the more I learn the less I would be effected by this if everyone just knew and it was all out in the open! YES YES THIS IS WHO I AM!!!! Even so I do believe being a "fence sitter" is the only course that is right for me and obviously the angst to some degree will always be there no matter what because people like us in this general universe or major grouping with all the variations of this live with a tension of angst in their head nearly constantly unless distracted but we are always drawn back by stimuli which bring our thoughts around to the angst again. Oh well ce'st la vie....

9:59am
Perhaps I should tell my full blooded sister as she is more moderate, pragmatic, and open. My half sister is very traditional and she would not understand and I do not want to lose someone who is very close to me - gee, we talk more than I do with my other sister. No one can advise me on screwing up my life. Well...Parents are dead and gone I kept this all from them because I knew what the response would be, did not want that still I tenatively must give them some credit, mother would never disown me, cut me off perhaps?? perhaps not but I would always be her son - I just could not bring myself that far. I rarely see my sisters ...

10:01am

thoughts? Later and perhaps good by ...

10:53am

Rats... You must have a life - have fun today...

1:50pm

I am back for awhile now...was out with some friends visiting from Mass. You are going to be what you have always been, I guess. Is it consuming you? When did you bring the clothes, etc, back in?

1:56pm

I the last week. Ok...will not discuss it further it is a tedious subject, comes and goes. I have given the go ahead for respite to be arranged sometime after the 3rd. I have also arranged to go back to speak with my psychologist. I have been feeling pretty beat down. I apologize should not be writing all of this, but you are there. Later
2:00pm

I too am a pragmatist, after reading to clarify, had never actually looked it up before. Probably the wise thing is just to keep it all to myself.

2:02pm

I'm here. Always willing to listen....not sure if there is anything about you that has to be fixed...like the psychologist said. I hope you go AWAY for your respite. Get on a plane, get a hotel, go somewhere different...the mountains, a different country. It will lift you up!

2:38pm

I was thinking about sailing the boat out to the Gulf. But could go visit my older sister. Thank you so much for not judging me I know it is a very distasteful thing, but on occasion it is just the outward appearance that changes and not in public. I am honest with you and appreciate your support it means so much

[Ralitsa]

Hi Anne,
I know things have been hard for you for a while now, but we will always be here to talk to and give support however we can. Hopefully it makes it a little easier being able to have a place to come and let out your feelings and worries.
And don't worry about the labels, we don't care about them and will not judge you. Heck, you could be a registered Democrat that secretly votes Republican for all we care
Hang in there!!

[Leeza]

Anne, It sounds like the time of your wife's passing may be getting near.

As you and I have discussed before, being the caregiver is a hard job with a lot of responsibility. It is very demanding on the caregiver and to often the caregiver doesn't take care of themselves. If you don't take proper care of yourself then it is hard to take care of the one in need.

Before my wife died, the hospice social worker asked me if I had thought about the future and I told her that I had. I told her the that thing I feared the most was the loneliness that I knew I would have to face.

Ten months later I still face that loneliness though not as much as earlier. I miss looking over at her and seeing her on the couch and the little things I did for her even when she couldn't talk much.

I have made some new friends and got involved in some different activities. There is still pain and the tears are not far away, but things are getting better.

Having some plans for the future is good as at least you have an idea of what you want to do. I found that things changed rapidly after my wife's passing and a lot of the plans had to be changed, but I am still glad I had the plans and had given it some thought.

Anne, I know you have had a long go at it and from your posts I know that you have stood strong. When that time comes, take some time for yourself so that you can regroup.

My prayers are with you.

Leeza

[Anne Bonny]

Thanks, I had respit, got to do things I wanted to do, didn't spend alot of money or time traveling, just kind of vacationed at home, restaurants, sailing, to the casino once, watched a few movies. It was nice to be completely free.

I am thinking life will bring what it does, Pat is here and I am here to make sure she has am and pm care, is comfortable sleeping, gets to the bathroom, and has three full meals, and I play her favorite music but I do not spend the rest of my time taking to her - I think that is just normal because a caregiver must take advantage of what moments we have. I have been dressing more, and realizing she is beyond caring what I have on.