Home Alone and relaxed...

[Anne Bonny]

Shaved, brushed my teeth. Wig on after applying brown mascara to my lashes and lightly to my brows to give them that shape, I still prefer to do it with some mascara though I have the proper eyebrow powder, and some lipstick which is just a little pinker than my natural lips. Applied Secret lavender gel. pulled out some panties and one of my wife's old sun dresses which is gathered by elastic at the bodice, spaghetti straps and is long like chiffon down to my ankles and my brown square thing flat thongs. Ladie's watch, braclet, anklet, necklass and feeling very very good. I am amazed when I walk - this dress is actually "cool" because it floats over the body from the midriff down and cools to room temperature it's actually a white double knit not chiffon - it is wonderful.
Women are so lucky to be able to wear such fantastcally cool and comfortable clothes and men with mixed gender like myself are also lucky we enjoy these feminine things and have to wonder about the butch women out there going in the other direction - hot and loose is about it for men because the clothing does not tend to float and stay cool - this is wonderful. (Now my wife has advanced dementia and will never wear this dress ever again so it is really mine now) She is away at a facility and is doing fine per the nurse. I feel guilty but have been pushed for a long long time to have respite. So I have it for the next 5 days and one of the things I have been desiring is to be able to dress around completely free of angst, I have to say that at least until noon when my son comes home I am fine, though if he does walk in he has seen me in a dress once. This is one of the things I have been waiting to do and will do a lot more after my poor wife is gone. I have done my best but her quality of life is very low, total care, wheel chair bound, I do everything - everything for her I could not live with myself especially after she is gone If I did not take the best care of her that I can. I am feeling guilty knowing she is at that rehab/nursing facility and is completely dependent on the level of care they will or will not provide, not knowing where she is, though I told her several times she will be coming home to me on Monday...

I have pulled out an old story I wrote several years ago (2004) 23 pages in length and wonder if anyone has any suggestion where to put it on the web, I will post the first page and hope I do not incur the wrath of the moderators as it is really G rated, perhaps PG...

Well, probably a rule against it here and a scan saves as an image... Hum...My son just walked in, no hiding it - he was non plus'ed just asked If I wanted to go eat at Shady's...I said no because I am enjoying being able to express my gender FINALLY! and then he asked if her could borrow $10 which I happened to have so I gave it to him, then I told him I have an appointment this afternoon - to see my psychologist, this will be something to share, wish he was a she...but it's ok. Maybe tomorrow? Anyway. I am so glad I had shared this with him, the mellennials are so different so laid back. He has a girlfriend now, though at one time he was telling me he was gay for a year or two which is when I shared that fact that I cross dress and then at one point let him see me in a dress but without and accessories or make up.

[Karin]

Hi Anne,
I can't begin to imagine how hard things must be for you right now.. but for what its worth, it sounds to me that you're doing everything that you can - and brilliantly. Your strength of character can only be admired IMO, and I only wish I could offer more to help..but here's a bow just for you anyway..

It seems perfectly normal to me that the stress from this could increase cravings to dress? And how cool is it that your son is of the nature he is!? Perhaps he doesn't even notice the dress cos he just sees you?...priceless!

Keep on doing what you're doing Anne

[Anne Bonny]

Yeah, If the other son knew and was like this wow! but I will not share this until he is an adult (December 11 2014 he will be 19), and only if I think he can handle it. I may spring it on my closest (full blooded) sister but I don't know, no one in my immediate family knows at all - I mean my sisters are all I have left the parents are buried at Arlington. then there are the even more distant relatives and my sense of them is even less confident. I wonder how I should go about approaching My sister...

Perhaps just an email that I would like to discuss something - that would definitely set the hook but I could unhook it all by gong on to an investment question or something else...I just feel when she found out my son was stating he is gay she was completely accepting and pragmatic about the entire thing. How would she react if she were to find out my gender is 60/40 and has been as best I can speculate all of my life? No one knows better than I do on this. well off to shave my legs....

[DonnaT]

literotica.com takes a variety of stories, as does http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/index.php" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[Karin]

If your family is anything like mine...they talk. Tell one member and I've told them all. In a roundabout way that's what happened here, and in their talking they have an uncanny knack of blaming it on stresses. It can't possibly be 'real' I'm in a midlife crisis or similar.. That bit offended me most tbh - cos far from seeing ME..they made excuses to dismiss me? Watch out for that one!

I guess it all depends on WHY you want them to know really. I'm transitioning so everyone had to know, but is that the case for you?

[Anthony Simon]

Hi Anne,

Maybe you could test the waters with your sister a bit - You know related subjects and all that. If you do it face to face (rather than email) you can see how she's reacting (like body language etc) much better.

It must be really tough facing that inexorable decline of your wife. Just makes you feel impotent.

Karin,

It might be that whatever you do/are doesn't work for them. That would be kind of my experience with my family.

"Right is wrong" or something like.

[Karin]

It might be that whatever you do/are doesn't work for them.

If an obstacle is too large? Walk round it and carry on.

I think with my family - its not so much that they 'look to pick fault', more like its 'illogical' to their way of processing things? It takes a certain amount of opening your mind to embrace or understand gender issues really, and for those who don't?, Well.. they will just try and bend the situation to fit their logic. Hence my comment about people assuming things are due to stress or crisis? - I really think the timing of us 'outing' ourselves can greatly affect responses?

Some people's minds open quickly, some slowly and some just don't open at all. The jury is still out on my family. Maybe they'll open up in time (its early days?) Either way I walked round that obstacle and I carry on...

[Sarah Beth]

My heart goes out to you for what you are going through. I can't come close to imagining what it must be like for you going through this with your wife. There are decisions we all have to make at time that are just so difficult and even though they are the right ones, and the best for everyone we still feel guilty about them. Just keep making sure she is getting the care she needs by those who are equipped to do so and remember that caregivers such as yourself need time to be themselves as well.

[Anne Bonny]

I spoke with my psychologist. Stopped my zoloft, welbutrin, and valium for sleep last month cold turkey, they did not really add much and I believe they were causing fatigue, and some other things like that. I have effectively blocked out any thinking about the past and function on the here and now, the future, managing the house, the investments and raising our boys. This is more effective than the medications.

As far as telling the sister who is a full blooded relation to me, it is not to be an exhibitionist but is part of the process of being honest and up front. I am tired of hiding, tired of the angst, and in pushing the door open I am finding that as more people know I am more relaxed, the angst decreases a little more. Most of us have lived in a jail of our own making, the quick short breath of alarm and fear of discovery, looking over our shoulder, out the window worrying someone will walk by and see, or someone will drive up and surprise me, I even keep male clothing close by when I am in a different part of the house so I can rush into a close by bathroom to change if there is a knock at the door.
After a life time of doing this don't we owe it to ourselves, don't we have the basic human right to be who we are. So the thought that telling people we believe might be accepting is necessary it is not unnecessary, and it is not selfish, neither is it exhibitionism - We are entitled to be who we are with no apologies and being partly feminine and our absolute need/right to dress accordingly is not being selfish - it is being who we are - being who we have been hiding all our lives out of fear of rejection and scorn. Who are these people, and where do they get off telling us - I'm sorry but you can't be part of who you are, that offends us, you are a pervert and are just doing something you have complete control over and can stop at any time without any problems, you're not suffering from bottling all of this up. I absolutely reject that line of thinking we did not ask to have brown hair, or to be male, etc so why on earth are we expected to hide so that other people don't have their sensitivities offended - that is bunk. I am not about to dye my hair or change other personal attributes or hide them so that other people aren't offended by us as human beings because our gender is 50/50 or some other mix. No, I have a right to open that door, and if in the unfortunate event we are rejected after opening pandora's box it is still better for us in the end because we can find people who are worthy of being our friends. I mean if our so called "friends and family" think so little of who we are that is really the sad thing, we must move on, and they will have to get over it if they want to continue to be in our lives. Does their love have exceptions, Does true love have exceptions?

They may be so bound by erroneous social rules, they may not understand because they have no experience, or in the end they reject us and if they reject who we are then they are not worthy of being part of our lives - that speaks for itself. Does not mean we have to push this on people we love who we know would not be able to process this (I kept it from my parents who are now dead, I did not want to hurt them, or their image of me and that was my choice). I am not saying to rush out with a bull horn, I do prefer a reasoned approach and reaching out to those who may possibly accept us is very helpful to us when they do, this act is freeing, it is one of the best things we can do for ourselves.

Here I sit in my women's jean shorts panties, bra and woman's navy polo because my son is fully accepting, I am free to be dressed in clothing of my choice which is in sync with my shifting gender at this time.

[Anthony Simon]

Here I sit in my women's jean shorts panties, bra and woman's navy polo because my son is fully accepting, I am free to be dressed in clothing of my choice which is in sync with my shifting gender at this time.

Well, strictly speaking, you said:

he was non plus'ed

Nonplussed means he didn't know how to react. That's not "fully accepting".

[Anne Bonny]

What I meant to say was that he did not care, even told me no one has a right to judge someone for how they look or something like that. And shortly there after asked to borrow some money - Ha! true to form.

[Paulette]

I spoke with my psychologist. Stopped my zoloft, welbutrin, and valium for sleep last month cold turkey, they did not really add much and I believe they were causing fatigue, and some other things like that. I have effectively blocked out any thinking about the past and function on the here and now, the future, managing the house, the investments and raising our boys. This is more effective than the medications.

Please be careful. Quitting Zoloft and similar drugs can be dangerous, and suicidal ideas and impulses are a common result. Keep in touch with your psychologist and have a number that can reach him/her at any hour. There's also http://www.lauras-playground.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; where all the moderators are suicide-prevention trained. Sorry to sound so negative and cautionary, but cold turkey quitting is not as effect-free as it first may seem.

Good luck!

[Anne Bonny]

Just giving an update, I am doing fine - better without the medications. I have developed a perspective on all that I am going through. I am doing well.

[AJ West]

Anne, I glad to hear that you are doing well!

[KimberlyS]

Thanks for the update and glad things are going well.