Have I Made a Big Mistake ?

[JayDee]

After years of crossdressing in secret I found myself in a terrible state,I had started to suffer from depression and was at an all time low.I was tired of deceiving my wife and decided to come clean and tell her about my secret.

The problem is that I found myself only telling part of the truth a bit at a time,this led to a terrible time for us both as all her trust in me was thrown away.I was trying so hard to be honest but found some things impossible to talk about.

After a few months of letting things out bit by bit I finally told her the whole story,how it started,how far my intentions went and how often I wanted to crossdress.I felt so relieved that she finally knew everything about me and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I love my wife and I am sure she loves me but now I feel like we are drifting apart,which is the last thing I wanted.Since I told her everything she has been very supportive but our relationship has changed.
Now I am starting to wonder if she is putting space between us as a way of coping.I do not want to lose her but do not know what to do or say to make things better.
I guess what I am posting for is reassurance that things will be ok,I know it will take time but I am really worried that I may have pushed her past the limit.

[Jadeanne]

JayDee,

You gave your wife a lot to think about and it's probably going to take some time for her to absorb this and think of exactly how to deal with this.

The best thing I can offer is to give her some time and space to think things over and keep the lines of communication open.

You have come to the best website on the internet with all of the understanding and supporting CDs and SOs. There are numerous threads on this site - I especially recommend reading threads in the SO section to get a feeling for what wives/girlfriends think when their genetic male tells them that he like to wear women's clothing.

JayDee, you are certainly NOT alone here, you are among friends.

I hope to read more postings from you.

Jadeanne

[Laura]

Hi JayDee,
I think Jadeanne's advice was on the mark. I have a thought that might help. You've just put the burden that for a long time was on you, over onto her. She will need support now. She may need reassurance that you really love her. In any case, my advice is to take the focus off you (if that is where it is) and put it on her for a while. That will help her adjust.

Do keep us informed.

Love,

Laura

[Sally]

Hello Jaydee,

From my experience, I have never seen crossdressing used as a reason for a marriage breaking up if the marriage was good and solid before the issue came up, but I have seen it used as an excuse to dissolve the marriage where the marriage was on shaky ground before the issues arose.

I've seen it often happen where the wife has gone through a period of denial to the extent where they try to withdraw from it, in the hope it will all go away if they don't focus on it. I believe you need to take things slowly and let her find her feet again. She will feel betrayed, mistrusted and deceived, also one of her main concerns may be of where will it end?, what will it lead to?. She will be confused and will not be able to understand it, which is only to be expected as we don't really understand it ourselves, so we can't expect them too, it's just something that is and we have learned to live with it to some degree.

Open and honest communication always achieves the best results, but you have to convince her that there are no more surprises coming, you have to convince her that you are still the same person but she just knows more about you now than she did, in fact you have to convince her she now knows all about you. She needs to be given time to absorb the facts as they are. She will be full of fear of what might happen and you fear what might not happen, you have to find the middle ground, however much time that takes, and never force anything on her. If she seems to be having a problem grasping on anything you say, just be tolerant and patient and always ask her what she's thinking and how she feels about anything you tell her, her rights have to be respected more than ever now.

One problem we always have is that we ourself don't know how far this will go and where it will end. I think if most of us look back over our lives we can see how much we have progressed over time, so I think it can be a mistake to make any promises about the future, because sometimes the need becomes greater than our will to resist it, so just be careful what you say and promise, sometimes it's better to say nothing than make promises we may not be able to keep.

If, as you say, you both love each other, then be confident it will turn out ok, as mostly these things do. There are always stresses in any marriage from time to time, but women are special people, they build bridges they don't burn them down and even though now she has to confront her feelings regarding gender roles which she may have never thought about, if love truly lives within the two of you I'm sure it will turn out ok for all concerned.

Hopefully in the near future we will hear from you that it's all turning out positive, just remember, softly softly and give her space if you sense she needs it and is resisting anything you say, don't overload her in her state of mind now.

I wish you well.

Sally.

[Beauty]

Hi JayDee,

I can't say it anything and better than the two before me.

So, I have a question? How long ago did you tell you wife?

You'll be ok. Please try to follow the advice given and you'll feel better and perhaps fix the communication problem you're having with your loving wife.

Best of luck!!!!

Beauty

[JayDee]

Thanks for all your support and kind words everyone.I am feeling more positve about things today.Just letting off steam has helped I think.

Beauty

So, I have a question? How long ago did you tell you wife?

I told my wife the first bit in the middle of last year,and have been telling her little bits ever since.Then recently we had a good talk and I told her absolutely everything,I made my biggest mistake by not telling her everything and decieving her over and over again.This has caused more damage than my actual revalations.

[Beauty]

Hi Jaydee,

Thanks for answering my question. Congrats on telling your wife and saying everything you could about what you know about yourself.

Beauty

[Virginia]

Well this blonde's two cnets worth is can you get your wife to visit with some of the other SO's here? If you have read some of their threads, they are very intelligent ladies and can really help you wife. I hope you have also taken the time to read the Jung Anima Theory on Crossdressing.
It is at least for me very enlightening.
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm
We are her for you and your wife if we can help.
Love,
Deborah

[Anita]

Hi JayDee--
I try to take the glass-half-full route, when it comes to telling an SO. I'd like to think that it's never a mistake, if you're ready to do it.

I don't think people come together by accident. So in some way, she has always been prepared to deal with this part of you.

Ok, the mystical part's been said. Consider that this opens up parts of her that she's not had to look at before, and it may not have that much to do with you. She's looking at a new landscape, and it has strange and different views there. She may not be able to share that, just yet.
Anita

[RikkiOfLA]

Dear JayDee,

The other girls are absolutely right about regaining her trust. I particularly like Laura's idea to put the focus on her, for a while, rather than on you. (@->->- to Laura) About all I can add are some specific suggestions. (Not all will apply, of course, but they might get you thinking of your own ideas).

1. Be extra nice to her. Even a little support is better than no support. Let her know you appreciate her support and encouragement.

2. Be extra romantic to her. Compliment her on her appearance, listen to her troubles, have a few (extra) romantic candle light dinners, be extra affectionate in bed, etc. It's very important to counteract any fears she might have that you're gay, you ARE the other woman, etc.

3. Be extra trustworthy. If you promise something, do it when you say you will. If you are late coming home, call her and tell her why and when you'll be home. Trust can be rebuilt, because it's built up of lots of little things. It takes time, but that's time spent actively working on it.

4. Be extra communicative. Ask to talk about her feelings (in general, not just about CDing.) Ask her how her day was, and really listen. Don't try to solve her problems, but reaffirm her feelings.

Many years ago, my girlfriend had to go into the hospital. It was routine (she'd had head surgery a year before (when I didn't know her), and they had to "install" a piece of plastic skull "bone" where the real piece had to be removed. She was up and walking, but under observation for a couple of weeks. It was a long stay, and she got bored. She was a sight, of course! (Shaved head, hospital gown, pushing an IV pole with various antibiotics etc. trickling into her blood stream). But I went to see her every day, said and did cheery things, brought her whatever I could, etc. That really convinced her how much I loved her, because a few months later we were married. We've been married over 25 years, she's put up with my CDing (even full time), and so on.

As we learned a long time ago, love isn't a feeling, it's a decision, and from that decision come a lot of little decisions and actions, and they're what really communicate love.

Hope this helps.

[Tammy(SO)]

Give her some time. In the meantime I like the advice of taking care of her needs. I think it is important right now to show her your commitment to her. She has probably a ton of thoughts right now. Many myths are running through her brain I am sure. But take time to dispell them. Let her see the bigger picture so she is not as threatened.

I still have confused feeling on DH, but I realise it is just a small part of what makes him. I hope in time she can see feel that way too.

[JayDee]

I realise of course that this has been quite a big shock for my wife,not only the fact that I am a crossdresser but also the extent of my lies and deceit that she has unknowingly been a victim of.If I could turn back the clock then one thing I have learned is that honesty is the best policy.

In my misguided judgement I have always been of the opinion that what she doesn,t know will not hurt her.I have found out that indeed I have no right to decide what she can and cannot cope with and now know that I should have presented all the facts a lot earlier in our relationship and then let her decide for herself what she can cope with.